Last night was the pre-finale episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Which means we are almost to the epic reunion. You know you're salivating!
Porsha Stewart is all about spreading her wings and flying post-divorce, except she's not worried about a little thing called a j-o-b. Her priorities are recording a song instead of showing up to rehearsal for the part she was hired to play in Kandi Burruss' musical. Yep, ol Poryonce (per Don Juan) is skipping play practice to go warble some songs she probably bought from Kandi (and pretended to write!) in the recording studio. Look Porsha isn't the worst singer, but she's certainly no Mariah and she should be honing her skills with seasoned veterans on Kandi's stage – instead she's violating her contract, insulting her employer, and making a mockery of a paying job. She'll probably still want top billing too!
On this beautiful-ish Monday morning, I'm a bit sluggish. Perhaps I was lulled into a stupor by Cynthia Bailey's passive non-action on last night's rather tepid and boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta? The wine was not able to keep me – or the episode – afloat. But alas, there were some bright spots.
We're still in Mexico where NeNe Leakes is telling Peter Thomas that he's like a bitch, no wait he's not really a bitch he just wants to be one of the bitches, but not an actual bitch, he's just in bitches' bizness. So he's a bitch but she didn't mean to call him a bitch she was just pointing out that he was acting like a bitch. If you're confused, you are not alone.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta are still in Mexico. And they're still on the Krayonce Moore Does Mexico Tour which includes several events with misguided purposes, layered and shaded in ulterior motives and sneaky behavior. You know, the usual!
We left off with Kenya and Apollo having a "chat" and in walks Phaedra Parks rocking a stare that would turn any inappropriate-acting Housewife to stone. As the other ladies watch, frozen, Phaedra asks Apollo what he's doing with Kenya and then Phaedra storms off.
NeNe Leakes and Porsha Stewart explain to Apollo that he has no business talking to Kenya because his wife asked him not to and that is disrespectful to his marriage. If you think that made sense to Apollo, you're wrong. It didn't. Meanwhile, Kenya was on the other side of the Interviews With A Sexter party gloating to Lawrence.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, we dipped into the complex relationships of married couples having problems and the woman who decided it was her duty to help them out using shade, manipulation, and rompers. Kenya Moore, you benevolent soul!
Following the flip your coupledom dinner party, Kenya sits down with Miss Lawrence. She's just finished working out and is tucking into a big plate of fruit. "I have to take care of my figure and watch what I eat. I don't want to leave this trip looking like Phaedra." Phaedra Parkswho JUST HAD A BABY. Phaedra and Kenya need some new original material besides fat and slut zingers. Kenya also has to take care of her figure because African mysterio prince is her only man and errr… yeah.
Speaking of men she doesn't have, Kenya wants to coerce Apollo into a one-on-one so she can force him to admit he lied about the nature of their relationship. Kenya values honesty apparently. Except where her romantic relationships are concerned, then it's like, "Honesty? Who's that? We've never dated… "
By that I mean, is she an evil genius or straight-up crazy? Kenya has orchestrated shade so elaborate it's like a 7-layer taco dip with extra cheese. It's deep and flavorful and frankly scary in its articulate complexity (Kenya IS Top Chef!). And there is no nacho chip to be left unturned.
Kenya has so many targets it's difficult to know if there's a safe-zone, but good lord is it crafty and thrilling to watch. If she is working at this alone, then I bow down to her as the true maestro of all Housewives. And if she's just full-scale nutty then NeNeLeakes better contact the authorities!
Overnight it seems Kenya Moore and Marlo have become tighter than Marlo's wardrobe. Although I don't think anyone would describe them as friends – more like thick as thieves because they are up to some plotting!
Reeling in the aftermath of Kenya's charity event in which NeNe was honored but not honored (nor honorable) NeNe admits to Gregg (aka Tagalong) that she turned into NayNay, her super-ghetto alter-ego who likes to go all PLONK! and circumstance. As he listens to his wife's tale of woe, Gregg is sipping coffee from a toilet-shaped mug. I can't help but wonder… Is Gregg's toilet mug an indication of the status of his life? He's flushed his integrity and self-respect down the toilet for fame.
Certain ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta need to read Secrets of A Southern Belle… – it should be required reading! But if everyone behaved civilly there wouldn't be any of that potent drama! Also, an evite does not an invitation make. When did the evite replace the speakerphone invite?! Technology sucks! Next we'll be tweet-viting.
Kenya Moore is throwing an "elegant Eyes Wide Shut" masquerade ball in the theme of shade. Because NeNe Leakes is furious with her for "ruining" her pillow talk nightmare, Kenya is returning the favor by setting NeNe up to ruin one of her parties. Kenya is sending out evites, she's planning the event with Marlo Hamptonand she's decided to make NeNe the secret guest of honor by having the party actually be a charity auction where the proceeds benefit NeNe's favorite charity.
But – and here's the big BUTT – Kenya isn't going to bother to call NeNe on the phone to discuss how she's the guest of honor. "I'm gonna kill her with kindness," Kenya threatens, adding that she wants to mend things with NeNe because she used to look up to her as an "older sister". NeNe and Kenya are the same age (46 and 43).
Kenya and Marlo discuss her plan at Miss Lawrence's salon (I thought he lost his license?). Marlo warns Kenya that she's looking at months of the silent treatment out of NeNe after pillow talk. Kenya rubs her hands together, cackles her evil laugh, eyes flashing and bellows 'I know how to make a bitch squeal!' Eyes wide shut indeed.
NeNe doesn't know how things went so wrong. "This is about asking questions and answering them!” she seethes. Oh, see I thought it was about getting people drunk so they'd admit overly personal details about their marriages and sex lives. Silly me!
What in the hell did NeNe slip into those cocktails?! Everyone was acting head-spinning, drama-grabbing, full tilt crazy – and I'm not even talking about the outfits (I don't know what kind of party you're planning that involves Kenya Moore showing up in a thong covered up by a sheer "diaper" in front of everybody's man). So it all started off rough right there, but at least Kenya didn't have any 1985 Dynasty shoulder pads adhered to her butt cheeks this time.