Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

RHOBH in Dubai

You guys Lisa Rinna has to talk about something. She reallyreallyreallyreally has to get something off her chest, clear the air, and discuss this reallyreallyreally important thing that’s been weighing heavily on her and like bothering her lately and she just really has to put it out there and like f–king own it. So the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills flew across the world to deal with the diarrhea of Lipsa’s giant lips. 

But seriously – what the hell was going on last night?! They’re in Dubai, so it’s already another world, but this quickly became Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except in this case, it’s actually all of us falling down the giant gaping hole of Lipsa’s mouth, which is directly linked her to her giant gaping makes no sense (OMG WHY IS ERIKA GIRARDI‘S BRAID A GIANT CATERPILLAR EATING HER HEAD IN THE DESERT) thought process. I’d blame hookahs, but um… well she brought the crazy with her from California. I hope it isn’t catching. Like Lyme! 

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Dubai

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills went on a journey! First they hitched a ride on Yolanda Foster‘s journey and they traveled to the center of Lymes, past the lemon groves and through the gardens of delusion and deceit, landing themselves at Cipriani. Afterwards they spent 24 hours on a plane hurtling through the night skies to a faraway land where they slept with the sharks, but alas my favorite part was Lisa Vanderpump putting on Kyle Ricahrds‘ signature kaftan and looking so damn good she put Kyle to unholy shame! 

After 14 months living deprived of earthly comforts like concealer, Yolanda has finally rejoined the living. Is it me or every time Yolanda provides a ‘fact’ about her ‘journey’ the math inflates? I see someone studied Econ at the Federal Reserve!

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills practiced charity! Lest you think they were being sweet and kind, think again!

First up Camille Grammer returns to throw a shopping extravaganza for women’s cancer. As a cancer survivor herself, Camille is well aware that diamonds cure all. Of course, Yolanda Foster manages to upstage Camille’s designer pageant gown (featuring a side cut-out and Jolie slit!) by debuting her all-new pixie cut, but at least Yolanda got herself out of bed. Praise Jesus! Fear not – Camille looked beyond amazing. 

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Erika Girardi

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills told us, once again, about the manipulative webs spun by the busiest little spider in Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump. But alas! There is also a praying mantis awaiting in our midst named Yolanda Foster! Once she extracts herself from her bathrobe cocoon, that is. 

Despite disliking all the women Erika Girardi throws a dinner party to introduce Tom. Naturally this is the perfect occasion to wear a microscopic leopard-print negligee and call it a dress. Hostess with the mostess vag! #ThisIsYourBrainOnErikaJayne

Minutes before guests arrive, Yolanda cancels, FaceTiming from bed, wearing her magical-mystical bathrobe (upon impact Yolanda must instantly post a sick-selfie! ). Yolanda’s eyes and brain are swollen because of miscounting spoons. My husband observing from the side of the room, noted, “That sounds like a ‘washing my hair’ excuse.”  Erika is understanding because as Yo’s Sequiny Solider she must protect the Lymes of Power. 

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Lisa Vanderpump

I feel exhausted. Why can’t the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills just have fun together and be friends? This show is fabulous when everyone on it is fabulous: fabulously dressed, fabulously wealthy, fabulously living, fabulously connected, and fabulously friends. When they resort to low-level manipulative pandering of ‘take down storylines’ – take downs of the same woman, season after season, I might add –  it becomes unbearably trite.

I get it – no one in the 90210 zipcode and its surrounding areas can stand Lisa Vanderpump! She’s too busy having fun with ponies to sweat y’all’s smallstuff, though. 

In case you’ve forgotten Yolanda Foster has Lyme Disease, and the only part of her brain that remains in functioning order is the manipulative faction. Ain’t that aces for her reality TV career! She’s got some inexplicable issue with LVP that’s gonna play out again and again until the 4 tenors sing off-key.

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rhobh-lvp-pissed

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills no one was “really f–king good”. Loyalties were spread around like warm patè* and at the center of it all was the condescending smirk of Yolanda Foster

I do not like my Lisa Vanderpump fighting with my Eileen Davidson. Unequivocally my two favorite Housewives, I demand they become friends. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife, but Lisa is the Top Seat in my Fantasy Housewife League. I don’t have time for all the over-analyzing required of choosing sides. I blame Erika Jayne-Giradi and by default Yolanda for this. Erika had an extremely brief moment in the sun, didn’t she? 

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Lisa Rinna battles Yolanda

Hey – do you guys want to talk about Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease?! NO?! Well, everyone else on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills does. 

Before we get into the lemon-lyme mess of moushchen-houschen-doth-protestest-too-much, the ladies are still in San Diego recovering from the Erika Jayne treatment. As if the Erika Jayne gyration experience wasn’t enough, she gave them whiplash when she bold-faced lied the night before. Nevertheless the ladies are climbing aboard Erika’s golden tour bus for a trip to Kathryn Edwards‘ house. At Kathryn’s they may not have c-nty necklaces, or a plethora of naked male dancers, but they do have a fireplace of stones imported from Jerusalem!

Over brunch Eileen Davidson demands an answer to who told Yolanda that Bella and Anwar’s Lyme was discussed (and lied about the context). Finally Erika confesses. No one asks why she lied the night before, or to Yolanda. She claims she merely mentioned the discussion to Yo. The side-eye of Lisa Vanderpump does not believe her. 

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Erika Girardi gets defensive over Yolanda's Lymes

Erika Girardi-Jayne showed some colors that weren’t pink and sparkly, but rather murky and c-nty on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. If there are two definitions of the word “c-u-next-Tuesday-y,” Erika gave us both in the form of new personality called Erika Payne. I expected a little more honesty from Erika. We’re talking about a woman who prances around with her hoohah out lecturing about confidence and self-acceptance, yet she effortlessly lied to a group of women, not caring that one of them could lose friends over it. Interesting indeed, Ms. Hoohah of the Beverly Hills. Are the Lymes of Yolanda Foster worth all that? 

I really like Erika in general, outside of her relationship with Yolanda in which she is being used (willingly? accidentally?) as a patsy for whatever game it is Yolanda is playing. The reunion should be very interesting! 

On the bright side Eileen Davidson melts my heart for being so down-to-earth, silly, and admitting that she doesn’t give a flying $4,000 designer f–k about materialism. Eileen truly has confidence and doesn’t need all the trappings of attention-seeking “c-nty” necklaces to get a reaction out of “old women,” or the inflated status that swinging around a designer bag gives you. She’s as anti-Hollywood Friend as you can get, without needing some sort of validating T-Shirt proclaiming, “Proud To Not Be A Hollywood Friend #DreamTeam” – you know, the BS Yolanda is always shoving in everyone’s face to make them question themselves. Eileen is my Spirit Housewife. 

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