Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Ken & Lisa

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was about righting wrongs, ending recriminations, and dealing with loss. Except if you’re Dorit Kemsley, then it was about holding onto a grudge that doesn’t even belong to you.

First my condolences to Lisa Vanderpump who lost Pink Dog. Unbeknowst to Ken and Lisa, Pink Dog had a heart condition and went into cardiac arrest, dying in Ken’s arms on the way to the vet. Ken and Lisa are obviously devastated by losing one of their furry children, and worst of all, Ken blames himself. Then right after Pink Dog’s sudden passing, another of their pack, Pikachu, ended up on a ventilator. Grief? I’m sure Ken and Lisa have rescued at least 100 more dogs since then, and they’re now stacking them on top of each other like shoe boxes to form a furry bulwark against evil bitches, but it’s sad about Pink Dog all the same. RIP.

Erika Girardi

What is wrong with the women of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Why can’t they just let things go and get along? This week’s chief beater of the dead horse was Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave. As she’s a horse lover she must feel terrible.

I’ve appreciated Teddi all season. She’s come across as logical, sincere, and not overly eager, but she and Dorit Kemsley are like a two-headed monster each biting their shared tail and each refusing to take ACCOUNTABILITY. They started out as friends until a small infraction came between them, which ballooned into a zeppelin and now they cannot stand botoxed hide, nor fake hair of each other. To this point I’ve mostly placed the blame on Dorit for having Rinna-itis. Dorit called it “rage and regret,” but I call it shoot your mouth off, then realize later that you probably should’ve kept your mouth shut, and backpedal the $3M dollar car you can’t afford into a ditch.

However last night Teddi reignited a deceased feud for apparently NO reason other than to cause issues between Dorit and Lisa Rinna! It was revenge gossip, or repeat and revenge. And it was petty. 

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bound And Gagged

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills people were celebrating all sorts of things and this required lingerie shopping, candles that looked like cupcakes, and wearing giant garbage bags to take naps in. The biggest news, however, was that based upon the strength of her perfect gift-giving, Lisa Vanderpump chose a new court favorite. Teddi Bear Mellencamp Arroyave – you have arrived! Elevated to the premiere spot as Lisa’s mean girl in waiting. Meanwhile it was off with Dorit Kemsley‘s head! Or at least one of her ridiculous hairstyles.

Somehow I think Teddi will learn from Kyle Richards and Dorit, and won’t make the mistake of double-crossing Lisa… Doing all she can to stay in good graces. After all, Teddi is all about accountability and we finally got a glimpse of what that entails. Essentially Teddi is a diet and exercise baby-sitter. Rich people will buy anything!

Kyle Richards

Sigh. Does no one understand Kyle Richards? It is so hard to be Kyle Richards. She is the most loyalist, kindest, most sincerest, genuinest, funnest, friendest friend on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills but no one appreciates her. Especially not Lisa Vanderpump, who quite literally could hand Kyle her heart on a silver platter and Kyle would insist Lisa was lying while actually giving her a dog turd. OK maaaaaaybe that’s a bit dramatic, because LVP can also be frigid and oblique, but last night she really did, in her own way, hand Kyle her heart. Let’s see what Kyle does with it!

The ladies are still in NYC and Kyle continues to terrorize with her meltdowns. These people already have Kanye West and his fashions – don’t do this to him! On the way to the Malaaaaan Bretaaaawn show where Camille Grammer‘s daughter Mason is playing model for the day, no one spoke in the car. NO ONE. Even Lisa Rinna‘s mindless chatter couldn’t open the floodgates of argument.

Kyle Richards shocked

Alright so this is a cold day in hell because last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had me feeling sorry for Kyle Richards. I was also Lisa Rinna bellowing across a bar “What happened?!” cause seriously I’d like to know how we got to the hot mess express and threw Kyle under?! Also, I am warning you: I have nothing nice to say about Dorit Kemsley.

The ladies are in NYC for Fashion Week and because Dorit has achieved the meteoric accomplishment of landing the cover of a magazine no one would’ve heard about were it not for Lisa Vanderpump previously landing a cover there. If you recall when LVP had her Bella Magazine party it ignited apology-gate with Eileen Davidson, and after Kyle and Dorit’s disastrous issues last night, it appears to me that Bella Magazine is bad luck for Real Housewives. It is better to be cover-less than covered in bad friendships!

Dorit TattleTales To Erika

‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.

Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?

Lisa Vanderpump

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.

Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior. 

Dorit Kemsley

Ugh – it’s official, Dorit Kemsley is the one with multiple personalities, not Erika. It’s like Dorit’s evil doppelgänger does all these bad behaviors on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then Dorit swoops in with a new hair style and a new accent to pretend she has “absolutely no idea” what anyone is talking about because she, a woman of impeccable etiquette, would never EVER call someone a C-word during dinner, or throw a fit over the wrong wine glass at a party, or be one hour late to a drinks meeting then lie about it.

No, she will throw Casino Royale parties where arrives via helicopter in designer gowns, waving to her people and smiling graciously. Dorit’s idealized self is not communicating with her actual self and we’re having problems here. Big time!