Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy!
Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it.
Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.
They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything…
Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis.
Of course we have to begin by rehashing the same regurgitated storyline about Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, and the cheating tabloids that never were. It's like Kyle forced Bravo to put in her contract that this matter must be discussed – at length – once per episode.
Reunions… so draining! There is rarely any fresh drama, there is a lot of preening about how certain slights are the worst slights ever-ever, while other people's feelings just cannot compare. And it's just a lot of back-n-forth nonsense. Even Andy Cohen was visibly annoyed last night. Clearly he has reached the same point the rest of us have with the Richards sisters, meaning just stop whining! Go do your splits and rambles on another show.
Before that Andy calls Brandi Glanville out on doing something to her cheeks. She denies all the fillers and claims her cheeks are real. She makes Kim touch them. Kim tentatively reaches a trembly hand out and pokes gently, before laughing nervously about how it feels like skin. Like her werepuppy. I feel like this is the first human contact Kim has had since the late-90's. Andy side-eyes Brandi.
Since it was mostly a bunch of squabbling about tit-for-tat and tampon strings, let's make this quick and dirty! I'm gonna start by paying Snarlton Gebbia a compliment. She looks good! Less Wicked Witch Of The Tanning Bed and more Human Flesh who feasts on food and not the blood of innocents.
Right out of the gate Lisa Vanderpump and Brandi Glanville are at it over whether or not Lisa lived in Calabasas at some point and filed for bankruptcy. Lisa says no, but according to the $9.99 background check Brandi did on www.stalkurfriends.com (the same site that tricks you into thinking you'll be able to see who's reading your FB page!) Lisa like so did have an address in the valley. Lisa rolls her eyes. Then Brandi claims SPLITS Richards told her about the Kalatrashass living and Ken's financial past.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ousted Lisa Vanderpump from Puerto Rico and bonded over how awesome it is to have the reigning queen off the island. Temporarily they're all getting along until the jockeying for position resumes anew. I think it's safe to say Kim Richards is out of the running.
In Puerto Rico all the ladies meet for breakfast where Joyce Giraudhas dressed in what is in her approximation casual pageant gear. Aka, a maxi dress with sparkles and spangles that weigh more than she does.
I don't know what to think. Is this a 4-way gang up on Lisa Vanderpump? Or is this Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Fosterwere once on a Dream Team with Lisa and for some odd reason decided to split and take Lisa down by pulling others into the middle?
Meaning, that yes – Lisa was part of "tabloids-in-the-suitcase-gate" which is the new necklace-gate, which is the new-skipped-my-party-gate, which is the new stop-being-my-mama-gate which is the new ewww-get-my-husband's-mistress-out-my-plastic-face-gate, which is the new hair-flip-your-friends-talk-ish-about-you-gate, which is the new don't-talk-about-my-husband's-ALLEGED-cheating-gate. Basically we've come full circle and we're back to talking about Kyle Richardsand Mauricio's cheating, which NO ONE – I repeat NO ONE – cared about in the first place except Kyle who probably planted the stories to begin with!
Everything Housewives gets "gated". And here on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we have graduated from cheating-gate, and hair-gate, and lastminutecancellation-gate, to necklace-gate; and most excitingly: you'recursed-gate. It's been a while since we've had a good curse on Housewives #Season1CamilleGrammer #Pernicious.
So that's what we're dealing with here and like sand through the hourglass these here are the days of our caftans. Cause you know, Kyle Richards was on Days of Our Lives for a splits richards second.
Anyway, Brandi Glanville has a problem with her tongue and her mouth and her speech and her general planet trashiness was affected by wonky aspirin. Which is a good thing because she also has a problem with *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump. Appprrrrrntly, Lisa holds within her bejeweled hands the power to deport people, destroy their lives, poison their aspirin, and dig up their ex-husband's long-dead mistress from the grave to release her from her coffin on the very moment when you walk into a Bravo-sponsored season finale party at her restaurant. Or something like that that. Cause if anyone knows how to work a good curse it's not plastic tits on a tan witch Snarlton Gebbia, but Giggy-loving Lisa!