Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was wash, rinse, and repeat pantygate. And even though the stains have come out, Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley still can’t toss them in the drawer and move on. Can’t one of Dorit’s three full-time housekeepers clean up this mess? What about “Soapy and Sudsy“?
Andy Cohen wastes no time defrosting the world of Erika Jayne, wondering why she has to be so cold? But Andy and I are on different time frames, so my first order of business is discussing wardrobe. Which means Kyle Richards.
UGH. How does Kyle By KantDressTooThousand expect us to take her boutique seriously when she is wearing a cold-shoulder leotard that she put a strapless bra over. With a skirt that looks like shape wear. SERIOUSLY!? I just cannot. even. fathom. why?! Kyle is aware that when organizing a ‘sitting down for TV outfit’ one should, you know, TEST how it looks while seated? Apparently, these are things only non-showbiz people know – the former F-list child stars did not get such stellar education.
The “Amnesia Season” came to an end with the women bickering dressed like Barbies. It was amusingly perfect because basically every argument was made of plastic and came from Hong Kong. Eden Sassoon wore a freaking bridal gown from the Disney Princess Collection, stayed up way past her bedtime, ate too many sweets, and then threw a tantrum!
Lisa Rinna knows many, many things: she knows Harry Hamlin is a pie-making, grey-haired demigod, she knows that her dog Lola has magical powers of mind control, she knows that shopping saves lives, she knows that if she stands before giant murals of rainbow-colored angel wings she can a least look like she’s good, and she knows that gold is her color. But what Lisa Rinna doesn’t know, and wants to find out, is if Dorit Kemlsey was doing coke in the bathroom. So these are the days of our Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.
And just think – this is not even the plot of the real-life soap opera Eileen Davidson stars in!
As far as dinner parties from hell, or vacations from hell go, the ladies of RHOBH reign supreme. As they do in so many instances. Hong Kong is no exception. Right after Erika Girardi finishes preaching at Eileen with her Tammy Faye Baker eyes, and just as everyone is finally – finally – tucking into their soup course, Lipsa ever-so-brightly inquires if Dorit was serving cocaine at her dinner party months ago. See Lisa saw things. She saw things that bothered her, but she never got the chance to bring up. As mentioned above, Lisa knows things, like that a good hostess would never leave HER, of all people, at the table while the rest of party disappeared to freshen up. Lisa Vanderpump would never do that!
Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillswas really something! Erika Jayne went from having no feelings she lets out, to melting into a puddle of icky goo. Don’t even get me started on Lisa Rinna. She needs to play Freeze Tag with her own lips. But we learned a very important thing: if you do not abide by the Buddha’s preach for peace and goodwill, you’re going to get served a severed friendship, surrounded by unfounded accusations.
When I say last night was not a good look for Erika, I mean that literally. She has a pretty cry face, but good lord, her sobbing and swearing at Eileen Davidson with 10 feet of pancake makeup and and Tammy Faye Baker eyes was frightening, Wicked Witch Of The West style. Honey those glams you pay need to tone down the fabulous.
Sigh – Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is always one step forward; two steps back. Last night, the ladies journeyed halfway across the globe, from Beverly Hills to Hong Kong, only to find themselves mired in the same old “who said it” drama. Well, it’s good to change it up a bit and fight in new settings, and the gorgeous scenery did not disappoint.
It’s a fourteen-hour flight, which means one could find themselves trapped on an airplane using Kyle Richards‘ hair kaftan as a blanket (or parachute!), or being bored to death by Eileen Davidson discussing trans-particle fusion as applied to soap villainesses and their cognitive dissonance coping skills.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, “we” had a baby (we’re included in this “we” because at this point we’re all basically Kim and KyleRichards‘ celestial family in twisted sister drama). “We” also planned a trip to Hong Kong to rescue dogs, and we also got our laps squished by an Instagram personality and his giant bottle of rosé.
Where I will let Kyle stand alone is in that awful dress she wore to the Kyle By AleneTwo book signing event. At least Eden Sassoon got the message and wore a kaftan. And Lisa Rinna, well she and her diarrhea stayed home. Erika Girardi also went home – on a private jet with a glam squad. I don’t know why Erika doesn’t cry more often because she has such a pretty cry face!
Was last night Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills horror story, or what?! A witch hunt! Gossip that comes back to haunt. The poltergeist that refuses to be exorcised. Mini cheesecakes that stalk through the night! The Twisted Sisters Richards back for revenge. The zombie audience of collected Housewives shaking from sugar, desperate to feast on the UN-Botoxed remains of low-carb brain. And Carnie Wilson (!) returns from the dead as a really good counselor.
Anyway, Lisa Rinna fessed-up, owned it, or whatever you want to call it. I have to say that I’m proud of her. It’s not easy to face down Kim Richards‘ demons and live to tell about it.
“Mother of the year” Lisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.