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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 4

Well, Brandi Glanville's "edit" just keeps getting better and better with each week of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' doesn't it? Gracious, girl, do you watch yourself and take any responsibility for your actions? Wait, I already know the answer to that! After watching the confessionals of Brandi and her make-out partner Carlton Gebbia on Monday's episode, Joyce Giraud has a lot to say about the women's tacky behavior (I mean, seriously, getting drunk before Kim Richards' daughter's big night?) from Kimberly's graduation party to lunch and awkwardness at Lisa Vanderpump's abode. 

Taking to her Bravo blog, Jacqueline Joyce begins, "This week's episode was quite interesting for me to watch as I discovered hypocrisy at its maximum exposition. At the beginning of the episode it was interesting to see Carlton and Brandi in their element at the pole dancing. I can understand why they like each other so much," adding, "What I can't understand is how in the world was Carlton so offended that my husband joked about having a naked room when our babies grow up — yet this is pretty much her main storyline? How was she so offended when I spoke about my husband's manhood, yet she does the exact same thing? I wonder if she is getting inspired by the very same things she hates about me and decides to do them? Too much double standard, especially for someone who claims to be so spiritual and to love women." I have often wondered that myself! 

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rhobh-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills roamed around to a bunch of parties and acted poorly. You know – the usual!

Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead. 

Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape. 

A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?

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rhobh-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills continued to deal with awkward relationships. 

Things picked up at SUR where Brandi Glanville and Joyce Giraud were bickering up a storm about everything. If you could interpret through the litany of F-bombs and hair flips you might have heard Joyce tell Brandi she needs rehab.

All of the sudden Brandi starts tearing up and claims she just really misses her dog and needs to leave. She flees the table under the protective lemon force field of Yolanda Foster. So, now Brandi is blaming all her of her maltreatment of Joyce on a dog? I thought Kim Richards got the dog storyline this season? 

Back at the table Joyce is unsympathetic. While Lisa Vanderpump and Ken try to smooth it over, Joyce snaps that Brandi shouldn't act like a "stupid little bitch" if she doesn't want people to confront her. Amen, Joyce, amen. Yolanda returns and is all "but Brandi is very sad". She's having a hard time. Lisa, visibly stressed out, calls for dessert – emotional eating time! 

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rhobh-recap

Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over. 

Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler? 

Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.

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Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills began the slow shifts of alliances as Kyle Richards and Brandi Glanville forged a tenuous friendship of nefarious intent. It's so pernicious. Just pernicious. 

Yolanda Foster is planning a dinner party to honor HER KING. It's David-galore and all about David. I wonder what flowers David likes? Probably the ones that bloom in his presence – he is quite miraculous that way! 

On the other side of town in a poor, sad subdivision where normal people who don't have houses built on a foundation of Grammy awards and or a fridge made of diamonds spun from the hair of virgin, albino Persian cats, Brandi is searching for her poor lost dog Chica. Awww… poor Chica. While Brandi annoys the bejesus out of me – and adding to that annoyance is the presence of Kyle in a pirate-themed Kaftan from Kylene By Too Many Kraptans - I totally understand the loss of a pet. 

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It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?

Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*

Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire Golden Girls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.

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Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous. 

Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!

And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.

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Things that make you go hmmmm… last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Which was an entire hour of bickering and I don't even know what about! Bullying, the paparrazi, Maurico cheating, Kyle Richards and Brandi Glanville having hurt feelings, and finally Lisa Vanderpump's hair. 

"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!

Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.

Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!

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