First of all I have to admit I spend way WAY too much time analyzing the antics of the Housewife. They are an odd specimen, aren't they? And Real Housewives of New Jersey in particular. Although those ladies leave me wanting to turn into Pinot Fabulous Singer and just get sloshied all day, I have to admit they really keep it interesting from the psychological perspective.
Which leads me to last nights FINAL season finale of RHONJ. And out it all came like projectile vomit. Except I was left with way more questions than I had to begin with. I mean will I ever get the answers I'm looking for or will I die questing to know what exactly happened at the infamous S4 Posche Trashion Show? I guess if I can ever manage to get stranded on a desert island with Teresa Giudice I might learn the truth, but until then all I'm left with is an an aneurysm from wonder and a seriously large bill for TherapyByBravo. You're paying for this right @bravo_andy?
It is not often that a Housewives show rivals that of a Shakespearean drama with so many higher level plot points circulating around. I literally feel dizzy. Bravo has truly outdone themselves, but they've also truly over done themselves and I don't think they can ever come back from the edge with this one.
Sometimes Real Housewives of New Jersey is the gift that keeps on giving. And sometimes it's the white elephant present that gets passed round and round at the party cause nobody wants to take it home. After last night's episode I have come to deduce two things: 1) That Kim D and the producers are crazy, maniacal, and will do anything for drama – hence setting up both Teresa GiudiceANDMelissa Gorga OR 2) Teresa is the world's best actress, has truly missed her calling, and needs to get on Broadway ASAP.
I'll do my best to remain neutral in this recap because I have my own opinion on what's going on – regardless of what the other members of the RHONJ are attempting to spin. So it's just check my sanity at the door here and suspend my rational thoughts – you know like any good Jersey Housewife!
And I'll also do my best to remain positive, because when it's all said and done this wasn't a bad episode. For the most part everyone was nice to each other, respectful, and got along. Well, except for Richie Wakile who is doing his damnedest to stay relevant and carve himself a niche in the show. More on him in a minute.
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was a lot build up for it to go splat! But there were a lot of nice moments too. All in all, it was a great simmer episode to sandwich between two extreme crazy ones. And I guess next week we'll see just how much Teresa Giudice is to blame for all the stripper rumors.
Anyway, it's the first day of school and while it would appear that none of the adults have attended that archaic institution for, like, learning, the actual children are all off. Milania is going into kindergarten and Antonia starts first grade.
Poison Gorga is making pancakes and I think the only ingredientzes is Country Crock margarine because they must have showed us about 60 close-up shots of the tub. I wonder if this means the Gorgas are going to be busting out a cookbook and stepping on Chef Tre's toes? Uh-oh! Oh no, wait that's just Kathy Wakile! Because in the whole world only one person at a time can write a cookbook…
In the Giudice house Teresa is rushing around waking up all the girls. She gets out their tutus while Juicy makes lunches – he packed red wine, sausages, salami, and some uncooked pasta noodles – oh, and provolone. I love Milania's tutu! Milania is my homegirl and she's off to terrorize some far less wily 5-year-olds.
I generally like to keep my problems away from water, but I guess that’s not the case with the Real Housewives of New Jerseywho took their fighting to a Rock of Love level when things got dramatic in and around the hot tub of horrors. Sadly Bret Michaels did not arrive to bust into a hair metal anthem. #why? Luckily there were sequins. As one of our twitter followers pointed out, you can cut a bitch with a sequined bikini. Where do they buy these things?
So there they all were in some insanely hideous bikinis, hair and make-up done up to the nines, guzzling wine by the gallon, and shrieking at each other like mongooses so that it echoed through the vineyards of Napa and awoke a dreaming Vivendi Wine owner in his sleep. ‘Oh, no… ‘ he thought… ‘The meerkats have gotten into the grapes again.’ Nope, just some delusional women embarrassing themselves on national TV! Grapes are fine, viewers of RHONJ not so much! Pack your alibis and let’s go!
Ahhhh… New Jersey, where class goes to die. Oh, I joke! What I should say isReal Housewives of New Jersey- where class goes to die. So Chris Laurita tried to be all sophisticated-like and invite these imbeciles to a vineyard he is hoping to sign a business deal with. So, just read that sentence back to yourself again and then pause – no logic, right? Well, I guess he needed Bravo to expense his business trip.
This episode had a lot going on from friendship and family drama to marital discord, but the important thing, the crazy thing, the most ridiculous thing was Joe Giudice andAlbert Manzo‘s highly intense discussion about KFC. Was there or was there not a KFC on some street, in some random Jersey suburb?! There they are on a bus bitching about biscuits. This warrants a very terse and snippy discussion peppered with F-bombs and lots of ‘I ate extra crispy every day dammit, I know where the bleeping KFC is dumb a$$.’ “You’re a loser!” Albert yells. Yeah… grown men over there!
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the ladies (and their omnipresent hardworking spouses) proved that when push comes to shove and contracts are on the line, they can get along like really, really well. In fact the only people not pasting on their happy faces were Caroline Manzo and husband Albert - who I was surprised to hear speak last night.
Things begin with a wake-up binge drink-a-thon amongst the men. The gang decides they are going surfing despite the freezing cold water and their inebriated state of mind. Everyone except Caroline and Al. They prefer whine to wine. Jacqueline Laurita is also sitting this one out because she feels too fat to wear a wetsuit. Didn’t she have this problem last vacation?
Never willing to spare anyone’s feelings both Teresa Giudice and separated at birth sister-in-law Melissa Gorga both strap on some of their more bodacious, sparkly, and revealing bathing suits. ‘LOOK! I’m not fat!’ they both practically shout. The guys are wiping out left and right when Teresa and Kathy Wakile decide to try out their surfboard skills. Melissa is staying ashore to “keep it sexy,” which apparently equals bedazzled. Very, very bedazzled. Like blindingly so.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a pleasant reminder of what this show used to be. You know, when people got along, had fun, and didn’t take every side-eye so seriously they were declaring it a nuclear state of emergency. I mean there was a time when the ladies of RHONJ didn’t spend countless episodes dissecting and cataloging every tabloid edition published in the last year to decipher just how much one said RHONJ hates another said RHONJ.
Oh, yes… that show once existed and I think last night proved it could exist again. Here is my two step plan to eradicating the petty, hateful, and mundane drama on this show: 1) take everyone out of Jersey and give them more to worry about than spray tanning and meatballs 2) Pay them only $1 per season until they agree to get along, act civilized, and go hang out at Chateau kvetching about Danielle Staub. See – not so hard, right?
So the whole gang embarked on a cross-country trek to Napa where the Blk.-meisters were to meet with Vivendi winery for a distribution deal. As Hurricane Irene is raging on the horizon, the packing commences. Everyone feigns concern about leaving their small children at home while they cavort around in the great wild west. Except for Caroline Manzo – she’s bringing her small children with her.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (brought to us by the Bravo Home Shopping Network) the ladies brought home the bacon while the menfolk sat around the kitchen table gossiping and snarking like old biddies. I applaud the progressive feminist nature of these industrious girls. Except for the one whose husband said he owned her. Yeah, that one needs to take a women’s studies class, stat!
So things begin with Teresa Giudice - or is Joodichee? Our favorite Jersian wordsmith has apparently, once again, forgotten how to pronounce her ever-shifting last name. Teresa’s newest venture is branding herself – I think she should start with having a consistent pronunciation of her own name, but that’s just my suggestion. “Branding” means adding Fabellini to her ever-expanding product repertoire. I swear Teresa makes up these words, Fabulicious, Fabellini, etc because she can’t actually pronounce any real words!
Teresa is in the car with Joe Goodouchée and they are headed to a vineyard, she thinks. Despite the fact that she is now in the wine making business, madame Giuhoochie has no idea where wine comes from or where one goes to taste wine.