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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the ladies (and their omnipresent hardworking spouses) proved that when push comes to shove and contracts are on the line, they can get along like really, really well. In fact the only people not pasting on their happy faces were Caroline Manzo and husband Albert - who I was surprised to hear speak last night.

Things begin with a wake-up binge drink-a-thon amongst the men. The gang decides they are going surfing despite the freezing cold water and their inebriated state of mind. Everyone except Caroline and Al. They prefer whine to wine. Jacqueline Laurita is also sitting this one out because she feels too fat to wear a wetsuit. Didn’t she have this problem last vacation?

Never willing to spare anyone’s feelings both Teresa Giudice and separated at birth sister-in-law Melissa Gorga both strap on some of their more bodacious, sparkly, and revealing bathing suits. ‘LOOK! I’m not fat!’ they both practically shout. The guys are wiping out left and right when Teresa and Kathy Wakile decide to try out their surfboard skills. Melissa is staying ashore to “keep it sexy,” which apparently equals bedazzled. Very, very bedazzled. Like blindingly so.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a pleasant reminder of what this show used to be. You know, when people got along, had fun, and didn’t take every side-eye so seriously they were declaring it a nuclear state of emergency. I mean there was a time when the ladies of RHONJ didn’t spend countless episodes dissecting and cataloging every tabloid edition published in the last year to decipher just how much one said RHONJ hates another said RHONJ.

Oh, yes… that show once existed and I think last night proved it could exist again. Here is my two step plan to eradicating the petty, hateful, and mundane drama on this show: 1) take everyone out of Jersey and give them more to worry about than spray tanning and meatballs 2) Pay them only $1 per season until they agree to get along, act civilized, and go hang out at Chateau kvetching about Danielle Staub. See – not so hard, right?

So the whole gang embarked on a cross-country trek to Napa where the Blk.-meisters were to meet with Vivendi winery for a distribution deal. As Hurricane Irene is raging on the horizon, the packing commences. Everyone feigns concern about leaving their small children at home while they cavort around in the great wild west. Except for Caroline Manzo – she’s bringing her small children with her.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (brought to us by the Bravo Home Shopping Network) the ladies brought home the bacon while the menfolk sat around the kitchen table gossiping and snarking like old biddies. I applaud the progressive feminist nature of these industrious girls. Except for the one whose husband said he owned her. Yeah, that one needs to take a women’s studies class, stat!

So things begin with Teresa Giudice - or is Joodichee? Our favorite Jersian wordsmith has apparently, once again, forgotten how to pronounce her ever-shifting last name. Teresa’s newest venture is branding herself – I think she should start with having a consistent pronunciation of her own name, but that’s just my suggestion. “Branding” means adding Fabellini to her ever-expanding product repertoire. I swear Teresa makes up these words, Fabulicious, Fabellini, etc because she can’t actually pronounce any real words!

Teresa is in the car with Joe Goodouchée and they are headed to a vineyard, she thinks. Despite the fact that she is now in the wine making business, madame Giuhoochie has no idea where wine comes from or where one goes to taste wine.

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Last night on the Real Infomercials of New Jersey the Bravo Home Shopping Network was in full-swing. I see everyone can behave when they’ve got stuff to sell! We’re not stupid, Bravo, we know this was a filler episode designed to get some swag promotion before you hit us with the heavy drama next week. Too bad most of us were too bored to pay attention.

Now there were some positives to this episode. The Gorgas and the Giudices got along and Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga, dare I say it, seemed to be enjoying each other’s company and bonding! I like them getting along and I think it makes better TV. It really is time for both parties to let this feud die; it’s boring, redundant, and both sides are equally at fault.

Other positives, both Melissa and Gia had amazing performances at Beatstock. I know Melissa was lip syncing, but isn’t that standard? I mean doesn’t Britney Spears lip sync at a live performance?

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey everyone mostly got along and for a second there I thought I was watching the wrong show until Caroline Manzo popped up to insult her children on national TV. Oh Caroline, cut the cord. And Manzo Spawn – run.

It’s the day of Antonia Gorga‘s sixth birthday party and what’s a mama to do but get her make-up and hair professionally done for a backyard party filled with kindergartners. Do stilettos go with a bouncy castle? Didn’t think so!

While Melissa Gorga is in the make-up chair, Antonia is hard at work assembling gift bags. Who’s the birthday girl again? Melissa is gushing about Antonia’s lavish party – Joey Gorga tells her she’s too expensive. Don’t try to compete with Taylor Armstrong, Melissa. The lip injections are already taking it too far.

Melissa asks Poison about the visit to the therapist. Joey proceeds to tell us that Teresa Giudice must have lied to the doctor about how they had Sunday dinners together and then Teresa tells us the doctor didn’t like them. Then they both blame each other for all the problems in the relationship while claiming they are all about peace, love, and forgiveness. Why do they both do this? It’s ridiculous!

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Therapy Schmerapy, eh. Teresa Giudice and Joe G-to-the-Orga are clearly beyond help. Existing in a world where all versions of rationale just slip in one ear and right out the other. As Teresa so aptly put it, “I don’t store things in my brain.” Clearly.

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the siblings from hell attempted to see a therapist to mend their fractured relationship. I guess they don’t understand that it takes way more than one hour-long appointment to patch things up, but Bravo doesn’t have the time to be airing all that. We would be watching RHONJ season 35 if that be the case.

Now I’m no Teresa hater, I find her tolerable and she has redeeming qualities; one of which is her eternal optimism and goofball nature. I don’t know how the Gorgadice families got into this mess that has come to dominate my television and yours for the last two years, and frankly I think both Teresa and Joe, of the salmon colored button-down, told versions of the truth that make sense.

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Last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey focused on the important things in life:  Rosie’s jaunty cap collection, the remix of “On Display,” and friends doing everything in their power to maintain a strong bond through mutual respect, listening, and give-and-take.  Oh wait, maybe not that last thing…

Caroline Manzo?  More like Caroline Done-zo!  She is way over Teresa Giudice’s behavior.  I mean she only wanted to return some swimsuits in the least set-up and manipulated scene ever and she ends up in the midst of World War Tre?  Uh uh.  No way.  Caroline is fed up…and you don’t want to see Caroline fed up because fed up Caroline looks like Caroline always looks scary.  The Manzo brood, Greg Bennett, and Uncle Chris Laurita are drinking some sucky read wine in the yard.  Lauren is worried about Jacqueline after hearing stories of tabloid-gate twenty-twelve.  Chris regales the children with stories of a Jacqueline once so loony, she threw all her ex-husband’s belongings into their front yard.  Basically, he opines, she is now throwing all of Teresa’s metaphorical crap onto their manicured lawn.  Chris wonders why women can’t handle fights with a quick discussion and then forgive and forget like he and his fellow brawn practice.  Oh yeah, emotionally emoted emotions.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was a knockdown, drag-out war of words. It would appear that this is the beginning of the bitter end for former besties Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita. I hate a reality TV friendship divorce – I feel like I need to have a funeral for Jacqueresa. Next week I’m so wearing black while tuning in.

Some other stuff happened like Lauren Manzo continued to complain about being fat and drinking egg whites while her parents made snippy comments about how she is fat.

So I guess Teresa and Joe Giudice are so broke they’re selling fake stories – or photos – to the tabloids (or volunteering to let the tabloids run stories about them depending on whom you ask and what week), yet they’re building a brand new carport and a garage with an inlaw apartment. Teresa wants her parents to live there. Apparently Teresa has also installed a new closet. I’m sure she cleaned out all of Italy’s marble reserve and all of JoAnn Fabrics fake gold leaf for the accents.

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