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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was actually a sweet storyline. Jaime Laurita got married and it was really, really beautiful. Although everyone mostly got along, there was some trouble over a tabloid article Teresa Giudice did. Melissa Gorga also gave us a demo of her new song, which, aaaaaaahhhh… I wish I could un-hear. Ok, I admit – it was a fun dance song…

Also, Caroline Manzo has been referring to herself in third person a lot, which has me worried. Nonetheless, I think I’m going to refer to Caroline Manzo as Caroline Manzo at all times. Caroline Manzo probably doesn’t like when people do that to Caroline Manzo.

Things begin with Jacqueline Laurita and Chris discovering an oh so conveniently placed copy of In Touch Weekly which also oh so conveniently has a photo of Teresa, Gabriella (I think) and a puppy on the cover. I wonder if room service is doling these mags out – you know, leaving it in front of the door like they do USA Today and The Wall Street Journal. Frankly, it’s not a bad idea – I love tabloids.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

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Let’s talk about hypocrites… we see a lot of those on reality TV. Something we also see a lot of is impending nervous breakdowns – and it seems to me we’re witnessing a scary combination of the two in Caroline Manzo. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was supposed to be about gay rights with the celebration of Jaime Laurita‘s wedding and Rosie Pierri accepting her own sexuality – sadly it was eclipsed by Caroline vs. Teresa Giudice with Caroline serving up more pettiness and more spite. This show was also about sibling relationships – and so many of these reality sibs actually have some pretty abysmal ones.

Things begin with Teresa and Gia having a chat about Teresa’s never peaceable relationship with Joe Gorga. Teresa is poking at Gia to open up with her while Gia is poking at an eggo waffle – I don’t remember that recipe being in any of T’s cookbooks! I kid, I kid.

Teresa wants to know if Gia thinks she is working hard enough on her relationship with Non-Juicy Joe and if she should do anything differently. Teresa taking advice from a ten-year-old says everything. LOL. In all actuality I thought it was a very sweet and age-appropriate conversation. I appreciated that Teresa wanted Gia to know they are working on things, but I also think Gia is exposed to a leetle too much family drama.

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Oh lawdy, last night was a night of meltdowns wasn’t it? Real Housewives of New Jersey was an emotional hot mess of whining, tantrums, crying, cursing, bickering, double talk and fat talk. Sometimes we all freak out – even if we are a forty-something father of four or a ten-year-old girl or an overweight twenty-four year old woman. You know what – we’re all just people at the end of the day.

But before we get to tantrums, let’s talk butt cheeks. There were a lot of those weren’t there? There were also bras and tampons. And I learned something important today that I never particularly wanted to know… Teresa Giudice didn’t wear a tampon until she was 27. Did she never go to the beach on her period until she was married?

So things begin in the car with Teresa and Joe Giudice. She tells him about the pool party and he starts screaming and cursing about how much he hates her family and will throw them out of his house and kill people. It was horrible. Juicy needs an intravenous drip of prozac and an anger management coach. Teresa was mortified – as well she should be – dump this loser please. He’s bad for her image and her self-esteem.
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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about forgiveness. Teresa and Joe work through the text-pocolypse and realize family includes their children, and perhaps it is time to put the petty bickering aside, but not before cheating their way a through a charity marathon! Oh, who am I kidding – last night’s episode was boooor-ring! It seemed to drag along for so long I couldn’t believe it was only on an hour! Maybe that’s because they talked about the same things for the thousandth time!

The episode begins Jacqueline and The Caroline talking fitness – they have big plans to “participate” in a 5K, because Caroline wants get in shape for Punta Cana – which is a week away. Nothing like last minute! Jacs is thinking she’ll just wear Spanx and work out for the trip by upping her tolerance sitting at home by guzzling wine. After exhausting the work out topic, they talk Teresa and The Caroline has a few snarky comments to make about that! Since they are talking about her, when they arrive at Jacqueline’s – who is there unannounced with her ears ringing, but Teresa wearing a pair of giant fur shoulders and heels for a snowstorm, but no coat! Caroline, who told us that while she may have lost 25lbs, she is still completely made of lasagna, tiramisu, and mozzarella, because she is in terrible shape. So, instead of exercising they sit in Jacqueline’s kitchen and eat while discussing the latest Gorgadice dramz. Well, if anything will drive you to dessert it’s hearing Teresa and Melissa out-screach at each other about stupid Joe nonsense.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the year may have changed, but everything is still exactly the same. Teresa can’t get along with anyone she is related to, by proxy or otherwise; Jacqueline can’t deal with Ashley, Caroline just wishes she had never gotten involved, and Melissa tries in vain to reason with crazy. Oh yeah, Kathy was there too – kinda.

The Caroline is back on the radio and she’s tawking about New Year’s Resolutions and Ashley calls in and said her resolution is to leave reality TV. I wish! The Caroline gets a call from a person who is being nice to someone who just won’t be nice back; Caroline encourages this person to continue to be good and pure. Guess who is coincidentally listening while wearing her fur coat? Melissa! Melissa, thinking – I’m a good and loving person dealing with someone who just won’t reciprocate, I will not be intimidated – calls Teresa to extend the Swarovski encrusted olive branch, and arrange a playdate between their girls.

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It’s Jesus’ birthday on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Caroline celebrates with her diamond studded version of Silly Bandz, while Rich and Kathy celebrate with a six foot fried fish. The Gorgas and Guidices go head-to-head for the most modest Christmas ever, and the ever thoughtful Ashley forgets to buy gifts for Chris and Jacqueline. Plus, there’s an added supermodel cameo!

It’s a very juicy Christmas Eve dinner at the Guidices. The recently, and barely, repaired relationship between Teresa and her brother Joe is finally making headway, as he and his family are attending the melee. But wouldn’t you know it? The Gorga siblings’ horrible cousin Kathy has done the unthinkable…she’s invited Joe and Melissa to her house for Christmas Eve dinner as well. What’s such a popular couple to do? Well, attend both shindigs, of course, leaving Teresa forced to do what she does best–give her brother a guilt trip. She leads him into the dining room and shows him the place settings reserved for him and Melissa. Does the mean and hateful Kathy really want those seats vacant on Christmas Eve? Teresa and her brother are ALWAYS together Christmas Eve (newsflash, Teresa, he IS with you on Christmas Eve). Kathy is just a cousin, she can see Joe the day after Christmas. Boxing Day is a great day for cousins. Joe tries to play the peacemaker before he and his Gorgas peace out for Kathy’s dinner.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about Jesus’ Birthday and in the spirit of Christmas everyone got along except for the notorious Kim G. – who really is incapable of getting along with anyone so she got thrown out of Jesus’ Party by the Manzo’s – who don’t let no body mess with their family.

Things pick up where they left off at Jesus’ birthday party. Melissa lets Teresa know she “got that bitch outta there” meaning Monica Chacone, who was Kim G. ’s plus one for about five minutes until Melissa escorted her politely to the door. Teresa gives her brother and SIL props for handling it well, BUT she wants to know why Kim G. was invited in the first place? Melissa says Kim is harmless which ummm…. What?! Please re-watch season 2, Melissa! However, Melissa calls a spade a spade when she describes that Kim G. and Teresa are eerily similar – in fact, so similar they may be “secret sisters.”

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On last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s a very special holiday – Trashymas! I’m sure everyone got many, many lumps of coal. Jacqueline got one in the form of Ashely, Teresa received one in the form of Kim G, Melissa and Kathy received one in the form of Teresa, and The Caroline – well, she got diamonds. Lucky girl.

At the Giudices, they are decorating the hugest Christmas tree ever, but sadly it’s not made of money. Teresa wants us to know that because of the bankruptcy they only got a tree decorated in semi-precious metal and not the one made entirely of gold. D’ya hear that bankruptcy judge – they’re cutting back. If cutting back means driving a Benz and wearing Louboutins then I can only hope to cut back some day! Teresa also wants us to know that all she wants for Christmas is for Melissa’s bad energy to go away. ‘Cause, it gives her a headache.

Melissa is not happy because she just wants an authentic smelling tree for Christmas AND Jesus’ Birthday (which are NOT one and the same, apparently) as she is throwing Jesus like the best birthday party ever. Joey and Melissa discuss their concerns about Jr. Mafia not mixing well with others at their party since he is like totally responsible for the Christening incident. Uh huh. Joey Giudice totally caused the entire thing. Joey G-to-the-Orga and Teresa and Melissa and her sisters had nothing to do with it. Nothing. At. All. Uh huh. We learn Melissa’s hoping to be cast next season sister, Lyssa claims Joe G-to-the-Iudice’s mother punched her in the face at said Christening. Is that where Joe gets it from? Melissa makes it clear NOTHING is going to ruin Jesus’ party!

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