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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap


On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the year may have changed, but everything is still exactly the same. Teresa can’t get along with anyone she is related to, by proxy or otherwise; Jacqueline can’t deal with Ashley, Caroline just wishes she had never gotten involved, and Melissa tries in vain to reason with crazy. Oh yeah, Kathy was there too – kinda.

The Caroline is back on the radio and she’s tawking about New Year’s Resolutions and Ashley calls in and said her resolution is to leave reality TV. I wish! The Caroline gets a call from a person who is being nice to someone who just won’t be nice back; Caroline encourages this person to continue to be good and pure. Guess who is coincidentally listening while wearing her fur coat? Melissa! Melissa, thinking – I’m a good and loving person dealing with someone who just won’t reciprocate, I will not be intimidated – calls Teresa to extend the Swarovski encrusted olive branch, and arrange a playdate between their girls.

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It’s Jesus’ birthday on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Caroline celebrates with her diamond studded version of Silly Bandz, while Rich and Kathy celebrate with a six foot fried fish. The Gorgas and Guidices go head-to-head for the most modest Christmas ever, and the ever thoughtful Ashley forgets to buy gifts for Chris and Jacqueline. Plus, there’s an added supermodel cameo!

It’s a very juicy Christmas Eve dinner at the Guidices. The recently, and barely, repaired relationship between Teresa and her brother Joe is finally making headway, as he and his family are attending the melee. But wouldn’t you know it? The Gorga siblings’ horrible cousin Kathy has done the unthinkable…she’s invited Joe and Melissa to her house for Christmas Eve dinner as well. What’s such a popular couple to do? Well, attend both shindigs, of course, leaving Teresa forced to do what she does best–give her brother a guilt trip. She leads him into the dining room and shows him the place settings reserved for him and Melissa. Does the mean and hateful Kathy really want those seats vacant on Christmas Eve? Teresa and her brother are ALWAYS together Christmas Eve (newsflash, Teresa, he IS with you on Christmas Eve). Kathy is just a cousin, she can see Joe the day after Christmas. Boxing Day is a great day for cousins. Joe tries to play the peacemaker before he and his Gorgas peace out for Kathy’s dinner.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about Jesus’ Birthday and in the spirit of Christmas everyone got along except for the notorious Kim G. – who really is incapable of getting along with anyone so she got thrown out of Jesus’ Party by the Manzo’s – who don’t let no body mess with their family.

Things pick up where they left off at Jesus’ birthday party. Melissa lets Teresa know she “got that bitch outta there” meaning Monica Chacone, who was Kim G. ’s plus one for about five minutes until Melissa escorted her politely to the door. Teresa gives her brother and SIL props for handling it well, BUT she wants to know why Kim G. was invited in the first place? Melissa says Kim is harmless which ummm…. What?! Please re-watch season 2, Melissa! However, Melissa calls a spade a spade when she describes that Kim G. and Teresa are eerily similar – in fact, so similar they may be “secret sisters.”

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On last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s a very special holiday – Trashymas! I’m sure everyone got many, many lumps of coal. Jacqueline got one in the form of Ashely, Teresa received one in the form of Kim G, Melissa and Kathy received one in the form of Teresa, and The Caroline – well, she got diamonds. Lucky girl.

At the Giudices, they are decorating the hugest Christmas tree ever, but sadly it’s not made of money. Teresa wants us to know that because of the bankruptcy they only got a tree decorated in semi-precious metal and not the one made entirely of gold. D’ya hear that bankruptcy judge – they’re cutting back. If cutting back means driving a Benz and wearing Louboutins then I can only hope to cut back some day! Teresa also wants us to know that all she wants for Christmas is for Melissa’s bad energy to go away. ‘Cause, it gives her a headache.

Melissa is not happy because she just wants an authentic smelling tree for Christmas AND Jesus’ Birthday (which are NOT one and the same, apparently) as she is throwing Jesus like the best birthday party ever. Joey and Melissa discuss their concerns about Jr. Mafia not mixing well with others at their party since he is like totally responsible for the Christening incident. Uh huh. Joey Giudice totally caused the entire thing. Joey G-to-the-Orga and Teresa and Melissa and her sisters had nothing to do with it. Nothing. At. All. Uh huh. We learn Melissa’s hoping to be cast next season sister, Lyssa claims Joe G-to-the-Iudice’s mother punched her in the face at said Christening. Is that where Joe gets it from? Melissa makes it clear NOTHING is going to ruin Jesus’ party!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s Merry Jersey-mas! Jacqueline hosts another Gorgadice Reunion, Teresa gets rowdy in court, Melissa gets a record contract, The Caroline‘s daughter has some issues letting go, and Kathy makes more plans to open a restaurant.

Things start out with preparations for Jacqueline’s holiday party/Gorgadice reunion. In the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard Ashley (yes ASHLEY!) counsels Jacqueline to stay out of Gorgadice drama. Um… can someone please counsel Ashley on how her orange spray tan is atrocious? Please, someone? She looks like a Snork with her bright orange face and high ponytail.

At the Manzo’s Santa is bringing patience and cheer and bitchy sisters. Poor Lauren is left out of Manzo sibling bonding since the boys have moved out. Farewell Ham Game! Oh, Lauren – she has officially become The Caroline, Jr – storming around and telling everyone what to do. Albie says one positive about living with Greg is that Greg won’t end up dating Lauren… Oh, really? Is it because he may end up dating Albie? I kid, I kid… After discovering a mouse has eaten the plastic Santa, the Manzos play Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, buy two all-feather Christmas trees, call Cher and Chris March and invite them to their annual Christmas drag show starring Joey G-to- the-Orga! Actually I made that last part up, but wouldn’t it be a lot more fun than watching the Manzos bicker about nothing again?!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa and Melissa vow to put the past behind them but just can’t, Jacqueline has a few too many red wines, Caroline gets her panties in a bunch and isn’t any fun, Kathy wants to open a restaurant, and Teresa invites her Made For TV Family to The Catskills for some old fashioned gun shootin, four-wheelin, TMI sex talk,wine-guzzling fun! Did I mention the TMI sex talk?

Ending where things left off last week, Melissa and Teresa are disagreeing about the Gorga Family Feud. Melissa comes out swinging by essentially blaming Teresa for the “disgusting” Christening debacle and insisting Teresa is never around and never sees their kids. Seriously. And suddenly it becomes all about the Joes and which Joe owes more money to which creditors. In the tit for tat convo, Teresa brings up Joe owing money to some plumbers and Melissa responds with a savage blow when she declares that Jr. Mafia Joe borrowed money from Non-Juicy, but when her hubby tried to collect on his debts Joe told Joe: “If you want your money sue me!” Melissa is confused and wants to know why her fellow shopaholic housewife just can’t skip a pair of Manolos to pay back the loan: “just pay me the $1000 – your wife is wearing more than that on her feet!” Duh!

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Last night the Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about giving thanks even if you don’t want to. Teresa is thankful her friends still put up with her after all her drama, Jacqueline is thankful that Ashley finally learned how to operate a vacuum cleaner, Caroline is thankful Vito hasn’t proposed so Lauren won’t be leaving her, Melissa is thankful that she has Non-Juicy (?) and Kathy is thankful she can bake. And if I were friends with Kathy, I would be thankful for that too.

The episode started out with Melissa and Non-Juicy grocery shopping for Thanksgiving where Melissa grabs some butt that isn’t Joe’s! Melissa spends the entire shopping trip whining at Non-Juicy until I just zoned out and pretended I was watching Extreme Couponing. Meanwhile at Kathy’s house more yummy cooking is happening since she is making all the deserts for the Gorga-giving celebration. Ruining a perfectly delicious scene is talk of Teresa and Non-Juicy’s “sibling rivalry.” Kathy’s hubby Rich mentions that if Teresa shows up at Gorga-giving something interesting might happen to prevent food coma like another BRAWL! Oh Rich, don’t give the Bravo editors any ideas… Kathy is so distracted by all the Teresa talk she burns some pies and freaks out.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about the careful, delicate process of making amends which is almost as painstaking and precarious as writing the perfect cookbook. Melissa changes strategies regarding the infamous feud, Kathy gets the Caroline-treatment, Teresa decides she is going to learn how to write, Jacqueline deals with bratty friends and bratty daughters, and Caroline is forced to mediate some Gorga-drama.

Things start off with a flabbergasted Kathy telling husband Rich about the events at the Posche Trashion Show. Kathy, worried that she may be blackballed from The Brownstone after angering The Caroline, needs to make amends and explain she wasn’t trying to pull a Gorga and cause a big scene in public. After all, she couldn’t help it because she was talking to Teresa and it’s in Teresa’s genes to flip out in public and cause a HUGE scene. Kathy is also surprised that her attempt to have an adult conversation with Teresa didn’t go well. Wait – hasn’t Kathy known Teresa her entire life? How is this shocking to her?

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