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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

Therapy Schmerapy, eh. Teresa Giudice and Joe G-to-the-Orga are clearly beyond help. Existing in a world where all versions of rationale just slip in one ear and right out the other. As Teresa so aptly put it, “I don’t store things in my brain.” Clearly.

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the siblings from hell attempted to see a therapist to mend their fractured relationship. I guess they don’t understand that it takes way more than one hour-long appointment to patch things up, but Bravo doesn’t have the time to be airing all that. We would be watching RHONJ season 35 if that be the case.

Now I’m no Teresa hater, I find her tolerable and she has redeeming qualities; one of which is her eternal optimism and goofball nature. I don’t know how the Gorgadice families got into this mess that has come to dominate my television and yours for the last two years, and frankly I think both Teresa and Joe, of the salmon colored button-down, told versions of the truth that make sense.

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Last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey focused on the important things in life:  Rosie’s jaunty cap collection, the remix of “On Display,” and friends doing everything in their power to maintain a strong bond through mutual respect, listening, and give-and-take.  Oh wait, maybe not that last thing…

Caroline Manzo?  More like Caroline Done-zo!  She is way over Teresa Giudice’s behavior.  I mean she only wanted to return some swimsuits in the least set-up and manipulated scene ever and she ends up in the midst of World War Tre?  Uh uh.  No way.  Caroline is fed up…and you don’t want to see Caroline fed up because fed up Caroline looks like Caroline always looks scary.  The Manzo brood, Greg Bennett, and Uncle Chris Laurita are drinking some sucky read wine in the yard.  Lauren is worried about Jacqueline after hearing stories of tabloid-gate twenty-twelve.  Chris regales the children with stories of a Jacqueline once so loony, she threw all her ex-husband’s belongings into their front yard.  Basically, he opines, she is now throwing all of Teresa’s metaphorical crap onto their manicured lawn.  Chris wonders why women can’t handle fights with a quick discussion and then forgive and forget like he and his fellow brawn practice.  Oh yeah, emotionally emoted emotions.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was a knockdown, drag-out war of words. It would appear that this is the beginning of the bitter end for former besties Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita. I hate a reality TV friendship divorce – I feel like I need to have a funeral for Jacqueresa. Next week I’m so wearing black while tuning in.

Some other stuff happened like Lauren Manzo continued to complain about being fat and drinking egg whites while her parents made snippy comments about how she is fat.

So I guess Teresa and Joe Giudice are so broke they’re selling fake stories – or photos – to the tabloids (or volunteering to let the tabloids run stories about them depending on whom you ask and what week), yet they’re building a brand new carport and a garage with an inlaw apartment. Teresa wants her parents to live there. Apparently Teresa has also installed a new closet. I’m sure she cleaned out all of Italy’s marble reserve and all of JoAnn Fabrics fake gold leaf for the accents.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was actually a sweet storyline. Jaime Laurita got married and it was really, really beautiful. Although everyone mostly got along, there was some trouble over a tabloid article Teresa Giudice did. Melissa Gorga also gave us a demo of her new song, which, aaaaaaahhhh… I wish I could un-hear. Ok, I admit – it was a fun dance song…

Also, Caroline Manzo has been referring to herself in third person a lot, which has me worried. Nonetheless, I think I’m going to refer to Caroline Manzo as Caroline Manzo at all times. Caroline Manzo probably doesn’t like when people do that to Caroline Manzo.

Things begin with Jacqueline Laurita and Chris discovering an oh so conveniently placed copy of In Touch Weekly which also oh so conveniently has a photo of Teresa, Gabriella (I think) and a puppy on the cover. I wonder if room service is doling these mags out – you know, leaving it in front of the door like they do USA Today and The Wall Street Journal. Frankly, it’s not a bad idea – I love tabloids.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

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Let’s talk about hypocrites… we see a lot of those on reality TV. Something we also see a lot of is impending nervous breakdowns – and it seems to me we’re witnessing a scary combination of the two in Caroline Manzo. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was supposed to be about gay rights with the celebration of Jaime Laurita‘s wedding and Rosie Pierri accepting her own sexuality – sadly it was eclipsed by Caroline vs. Teresa Giudice with Caroline serving up more pettiness and more spite. This show was also about sibling relationships – and so many of these reality sibs actually have some pretty abysmal ones.

Things begin with Teresa and Gia having a chat about Teresa’s never peaceable relationship with Joe Gorga. Teresa is poking at Gia to open up with her while Gia is poking at an eggo waffle – I don’t remember that recipe being in any of T’s cookbooks! I kid, I kid.

Teresa wants to know if Gia thinks she is working hard enough on her relationship with Non-Juicy Joe and if she should do anything differently. Teresa taking advice from a ten-year-old says everything. LOL. In all actuality I thought it was a very sweet and age-appropriate conversation. I appreciated that Teresa wanted Gia to know they are working on things, but I also think Gia is exposed to a leetle too much family drama.

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Oh lawdy, last night was a night of meltdowns wasn’t it? Real Housewives of New Jersey was an emotional hot mess of whining, tantrums, crying, cursing, bickering, double talk and fat talk. Sometimes we all freak out – even if we are a forty-something father of four or a ten-year-old girl or an overweight twenty-four year old woman. You know what – we’re all just people at the end of the day.

But before we get to tantrums, let’s talk butt cheeks. There were a lot of those weren’t there? There were also bras and tampons. And I learned something important today that I never particularly wanted to know… Teresa Giudice didn’t wear a tampon until she was 27. Did she never go to the beach on her period until she was married?

So things begin in the car with Teresa and Joe Giudice. She tells him about the pool party and he starts screaming and cursing about how much he hates her family and will throw them out of his house and kill people. It was horrible. Juicy needs an intravenous drip of prozac and an anger management coach. Teresa was mortified – as well she should be – dump this loser please. He’s bad for her image and her self-esteem.
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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about forgiveness. Teresa and Joe work through the text-pocolypse and realize family includes their children, and perhaps it is time to put the petty bickering aside, but not before cheating their way a through a charity marathon! Oh, who am I kidding – last night’s episode was boooor-ring! It seemed to drag along for so long I couldn’t believe it was only on an hour! Maybe that’s because they talked about the same things for the thousandth time!

The episode begins Jacqueline and The Caroline talking fitness – they have big plans to “participate” in a 5K, because Caroline wants get in shape for Punta Cana – which is a week away. Nothing like last minute! Jacs is thinking she’ll just wear Spanx and work out for the trip by upping her tolerance sitting at home by guzzling wine. After exhausting the work out topic, they talk Teresa and The Caroline has a few snarky comments to make about that! Since they are talking about her, when they arrive at Jacqueline’s – who is there unannounced with her ears ringing, but Teresa wearing a pair of giant fur shoulders and heels for a snowstorm, but no coat! Caroline, who told us that while she may have lost 25lbs, she is still completely made of lasagna, tiramisu, and mozzarella, because she is in terrible shape. So, instead of exercising they sit in Jacqueline’s kitchen and eat while discussing the latest Gorgadice dramz. Well, if anything will drive you to dessert it’s hearing Teresa and Melissa out-screach at each other about stupid Joe nonsense.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the year may have changed, but everything is still exactly the same. Teresa can’t get along with anyone she is related to, by proxy or otherwise; Jacqueline can’t deal with Ashley, Caroline just wishes she had never gotten involved, and Melissa tries in vain to reason with crazy. Oh yeah, Kathy was there too – kinda.

The Caroline is back on the radio and she’s tawking about New Year’s Resolutions and Ashley calls in and said her resolution is to leave reality TV. I wish! The Caroline gets a call from a person who is being nice to someone who just won’t be nice back; Caroline encourages this person to continue to be good and pure. Guess who is coincidentally listening while wearing her fur coat? Melissa! Melissa, thinking – I’m a good and loving person dealing with someone who just won’t reciprocate, I will not be intimidated – calls Teresa to extend the Swarovski encrusted olive branch, and arrange a playdate between their girls.

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