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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps


In the never-ending saga that is the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the gang heads to Punta Cana and it’s more of the same: drunken antics, terrible trashy clothing, and bickering. To borrow a phrase from the one, the only Juicy: “Shut UP!”

Preparing for a luxurious 5-day kid-free stay in Punta Cana on Bravo’s dime, at The Gorga Marble Compound, Joe, after stuffing his children in a suitcase, begins personally inspecting all Melissa’s stripper bikinis by sniffing the crotch. In front of his mother-in-law and his children he is sniffing the crotch of his wife’s bathing suit while she dangles another hoochie mama confection in front of his face.

At the Giudice marble mansion, Teresa has raided the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalog from 1993 and is packing every sequined string bikini in the land. Melania takes this opportunity to assault and batter both her sisters. Um… where is Gabriella? Was she taken away by family services or something – I haven’t seen her all season. Maybe she’s already too embarrassed to be participating in this show. Joe promises to try and have a good time – Gia echos what we’re all thinking when she gives him a disbelieving look.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Bravo offers us a different perspective on the most infamous family feud in reality TV history, and quite possibly everything is the fault of Joe and Joe. Go figure.

Arriving at The Caroline’s parents’ house in the middle of a scary dark woods, making me think this is a Steven King movie instead of an episode of RHoNJ — Caroline explains that Chris Laurita has started a mysterious new business that produces something mysterious and all the employees will be her blessed boys and some other rando nephew who will be setting up office in her parents’ old house.

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In last nights installment of Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s another round of the feud that never ends (it just goes on and on, my friends), as Teresa and Melissa engage in sister-in-lawemy behavior with behind the back comments and to the face fracas. Kathy hosts a goddess get-together to debut her catering ideas, but Teresa decides that she is the only goddess there, so the party becomes allll about her! Jacqueline and Ashley argue, and argue, and argue some more until Chris reaches his breaking point! Oh, and no Joe G-to-the-orga this episode – so happy days!

Things pick up where Hat-ley and Jacqueline left off last week. In an extremely emotional scene, Jacqueline is sobbing in the basement of the restaurant while Chris tries to console her. Jacqueline asks the questions millions of viewers have been screaming at the TV for 2.5 seasons: Why are they letting Ashley have free room and board when she treats us like crap? Exaaaactly, Lauritas, exaaaactly!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey it was all about Family Feuds (which sadly did not include the game show). Teresa behaves appropriately, Kathy just wants to be liked, The Caroline discovered a new medium for interfering in people’s lives, and Jacqueline helped broker the Gorga Peace Treaty.

The episode started out with The Caroline preparing for her big radio debut by using her friend Dolores to act as a Teresa-imposter so she can “practice” administering advice for “Caroline Rules” her new show on New Jersey 101.5. For some reason The Caroline is nervous about being her bossy self in public, despite spending a couple seasons on a reality show doing just that! Caroline brings up Teresa’s bankruptcy judgment and pending auction – describing that her friend has a lot on her plate and things are out of control in her life.

In the Gorga household, Alexis 2.0 Jersey Jesus Midge (Barbie’s brunette friend!) is thanking Jesus that peace is being made today between Teresa and Non-Juicy Joe, as she helps her husband untuck his shirt just so to avoid looking messy. Meanwhile in Foreclosed Marble Mansion-Land (aka the Giudice residence) Teresa is also getting ready and announces that Joe needs to do something about Melissa because she is leading their family down a crooked road with all of her poison! Ummm… I thought poison was something used to make babies according to Joe Gorga? Teresa declares: “A wife makes it or a wife breaks it” and therefore it is Joe’s responsibility to put Melissa in check! Is it also Jr Mafia’s responsibility to put Teresa in check – because frankly I don’t think that’s possible (see: Bankruptcy spending.) After adjusting his cross and refolding his letter from Teresa, Joe is off to demand an apology from his sister, the villainess.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about the role of the mother and life’s ever changing directions. Melissa struggles with balancing future pop-stardom with Gorga/Giudice drama, The Caroline still (always and forever) has empty-nest syndrome, Jacqueline is forced into buying the undeserving Ashley a car, Kathy is confused about what show she is on as she tries to educate her children and the public, and Teresa,well she dressed her daughters in matching gold leather vests and attempted to repair her family relations in another round of Gorga vs. Gorga. Can we just get to the C-Celebrity death match already and put this thing to rest?

Things begin at the Gorga household (which is decorated like a funeral home) where Melissa randomly bursts into a very ungraceful version of “Amazing Grace” prompting her husband and soon-to-be manager (spouse-ager? husband-ager?) to exclaim that she sounds like she is coming out of a radio! Cue home movies of a young Melissa aka “future supa star” performing. Melissa explains it was her father who wanted to make her a star – so that explains how she started chasing cameras! Melissa and Non-Juicy Joe come up with a plan – he will become her father (creepy! I am assuming he meant support her as her father did?) and help her pursue her dream! She will be a part-time mommy/part-time pop star! I’m envisioning Jazz Hands here as I type this.

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