Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies continued to terrorize Montana like a plague. The beautiful surroundings of wild Montana shrank beneath the force of their bickering, bad behavior, and crying orgasms. And Cowboy Paul stroked his gun lovingly and thought, thank goodness I've got this to protect me in the apocalypse.
In the luxury accommodations, Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Do Me are bored and suffering from cabin fever. Carole Radziwill is suffering from being too long in the asylum – serves her right for trying to observe crazies in their native environment. To assuage her boredom Sonja Morgan invites the sexy (and very young) ranch hand over to clean out the kitchen while she swans around in a negligee swatting at him with a toilet brush. I am positive she molested him by the seductive light of the fridge. Carole lost her breakfast.
Sonja is bitter that they'll be spending another night at the ranch instead of out in the town sizing up the locals – there could be hot and swarthy cowboys ready for a Mrs. Robinson adventure with a big city gal. Sonja apparently thinks Reese Weather-spoon is out there, just waiting to have fun. Instead Kristen Taekman has planned a chef to come and make dinner for the girls. Sonja is over personal chefs – she does this everyday! With what budget? I wasn't aware that Groupon offered this?
Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies headed to the wild, wild west in Montana. Kristen Taekman organized the trip and like the over-eager rookie she is, she expected everyone to be jumping with glee at the prospect of spending a week at a dude ranch far, far away from any actual dudes. Now you know Sonja T. Morgan was going through withdrawal something terrible – something that even a pair of cotton granny panties couldn't cure.
Before the ladies left Aviva Drescherdecided she needed a little attention. Because you know – Meviva. Aviva had suddenly came down with a rampant case of asthma. She's allergic to horses, and hay, and long plane rides with women she does not like, and best-selling books, and being away from Saint Reid, savoir of upper east side princesses with daddy issues. Clearly Aviva is not allergic to asses – I mean she's able to be around George.
The ladies are still in Saratoga where Sonja's drunken meltdown culminates with a half-hearted attempt to flee wearing a shirt that does not count as a dress and absconding LuAnn de Lesseps' limo driver. Unfortunately a coveting of wine momentarily distracts her and Sonja decides to enact her payback by dropping some wine farts before forgiving the other ladies and hitting up the club.
I just want to get out of the way that Aviva Drescher's father George is disgusting. Now Ramona Singer is no slouch when it comes to inappropriate comments and unfathomable rudeness, but at least Pinot mostly restricts her mouth to inserting her pinot-soaked foot in it and spilling out gaffes of astonishing social ineptitude. George, on the other hand, takes it to the level of grotesque and I am frankly insulted that Bravo expected viewers to enjoy that.
In the midst of George and Ramona's argument last night on Real Housewives of New York, she was matched level-for-level with him in trashy, inappropriate comments, although Ramona's comments are as inappropriately lewd in terms of insulting rudeness as George's are in insulting sexual harassment. I'm not going to really repeat what was said save for the fact that if I were Ramona I'd be contacting the EEOC about harassment in the workplace! Yuck and yuck and more yuck!
It would have been nice if one of these two self-righteous hubris-obsessed blowhards could have taken the highroad instead of mutually sinking to an abhorrent level, but alas… not gonna happen right? In other news Sonja Morgangot drunk – send a press release!
Last night on Real Housewives of New York we bid adieu to Milou. But it was more than saying goodbye to Sonja Morgan's dog, it was about saying goodbye to toxic relationships and living in the past. In short, Sonja made the decision that she was not going to end up a modern-day Miss Havisham and was instead going to l-i-v-e as a modern-day Auntie Mame!
Kristen Taekman is in the throes of many struggles – I mean Ramona Singer maimed her and her husband is the very definition of douchelord in the dictionary – I promise! Look it up – his photo is in there.
She meets LuAnn de Lesseps and Heather Thomson for some shopping where she recaps her Ramonapology, you know here's some flowers, gotta whiz! Hamptons! Celebrities! And there was poor Kristen sitting at the table like, "but… I put on this dress. And you – you have anger management issues!" It was too late, Ramona had already downed her glass of wine? water? Water which she turned into wine? Does she have that power based on the sheer will of her fortitude? I mean how does Ramona even get a wine glass in a tea shop? Does she carry her own, in her purse, for emergency purposes? So many questions…
Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies confronted Ramona P. Singer (the P stands for Pinot) about her behavior in the Berkshires. Most specifically a pseudo meltdown that was the perfect segue for her to ditch them and hit up a Molly Simms party in the Hamptons. Oh that Ramona – she's so devious! However, by the sheer power of their conviction and the fortitude of LuAnn de Lesseps' self-described "linebacker shoulders," the ladies were able to make a slight dent in Ramona's AquaNet facade and she actually apologized to Kristen Taekman. How that went is another story, but let's start back in the Berks (can I tell you how tired I am of typing that word… ).
Back in the Berkshires the ladies are are seriously hungover after a night of binge drinking and pinot-trashing. I can assume many a bottle of Ramona Pinot was smashed as well. Heather Thomson wakes everyone up because soon they'll be forced into an AM yoga class. Sonja Morgan awakes in a negligee with the remains of her bumpit! trembling on one side of her head – she's also missing a cubic zirconium diamond earring. Sonja is super sad that Ramona manipulated her and wonders how much of their friendship has been a farce. The other ladies look just as worse for the wear.
Last night the fallout in the Berkshires continued! One might think if you, you know accidentally had a "knee jerk" reaction and threw a glass object at someone's face thus cutting them in the process, one might feel compelled to apologize. You know, sincerely.
One might assume since you just injured someone over the fact that they got your hair wet – hair that didn't look good to begin with and looked no worse after the horrific splashing that caused you to lash out and so aggressively you flung not only a glass object, but a boat oar at their face – you would feel some modicum of remorse. But alas, I presume none of us are Ramona Singer. So, yeah – logic does not apply. So that's what happened on last night's Real Housewives of New York.
After Ramona caused all this damage she faked a panic attack, lied, and got the hell out of dodge. You know what the most hysterical part in all of this is – Ramona is still trying to convince people she's classy. Oh girl… I think there's a whole chapter in Class With The Countess dedicated to you and explaining what it is you do that's not classy.
Last night on theReal Housewives of New York things got rowdy in The Berkshires. Or should I say Ramona Singer went bonkers in The Berkshires. Oh, The Berkshires – who goes there? They're just so gauche! They're so ugh – has anyone even heard of them? What are they, like a truck stop? Do they even have pinot? I mean, we know they don't have air conditioner! Who vacations without a beach? The good people all go to The Hamptons. Just ask Ramona – she's the expert on all things classy and high society. All the best society girls appear on trashy reality shows and behave like, well, trash!
Really, if LuAnn de Lesseps is any kinda friend, she'll stop taking Ramona to aerial yoga and start making her endure regular reading lessons from Class With The Countess! So Ramona happened, in The Berkshires, with the wine glass.
Before all that Sonja Morgan, takes her sexy j downtown for some business lessons from Kristen Taekman's husband Josh. Right off the bat we know this isn't going to go well because Kristen lives in a rental. A rental she can afford, but a rental nonetheless, which makes her a peasant in the eyes of Miss The Toaster Oven That Never Could!