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Real Housewives of New York

I really think I’m going to enjoy the newest additions to Real Housewives of New York…especially Carole Radziwill.  The widow and journalist (not to mention princess and bestselling author) with close ties to the timeless Kennedy clan will be joining Countess LuAnn and Pinot Singer on the upcoming season.  She was recently interviewed by the New York Post where she described herself as the “unlikely housewife.”  I like her already.

Calling the show a “job offer”, Carole explains, “Critical acclaim is great, and it gets you the corner table, but commercial success pays the bills.”  With the women of New York rumored to be making $500,000 this season, I’d say that’s not too terrible of a payday.

While many ladies try to finagle their way into the franchise by befriending wives or crashing cocktail parties (an estimated 500 women tried out for Beverly Hills), Carole had no desire to pursue reality television.  Of her friend and Bravo King Andy Cohen, she says,“I could probably count on one hand the number of conversations I’ve ever had about the ‘Housewives’ show with him.”

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If you thought the Real Housewives of New York was going to get less dramatic following the firings of Jill Zarin, Alex McCord, and Kelly Bensimon, you’d be wrong. Rather than getting classier, the show is probably going to look a lot more like the menopausal, passive aggressive version of Bad Girls Club. The show premieres in two weeks and already, the ladies are taking shots at each other in the press for truly pointless things like their premiere parties.

Rob Shuter of the Huffington Post, who love him or hate him, does appear to have a direct line into the RHONY world, reports that the upcoming season will be Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan versus the rest of the gang, which isn’t surprising. As far as Countess LuAnn, she remained more opportunistic, as she usually is, and stuck with the new blood, and the anonymous cast member tells Rob “The Countess, who has tried to stay neutral in the past, was forced to choose between the new ladies and her old cast mates … and picked the former.”

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*Sigh* When I started watching the Real Housewives of Orange County way back when I was intrigued by the wealthy and fantastical lifestyles of women very different from me. As Real Housewives of Atlanta and Real Housewives of New Jersey came onto the Housewives scenes, they were my two favorites of the franchise. They were light-hearted, silly, and kooky – and I loved the genuine friendships along with the realistic seeming issues between friends.

Yes, the Danielle Staub stuff was ridic, but it was balanced by the friendships between Jacqueline Laurita, Teresa Giudice, Caroline Manzo, and Dina Manzo. I’m not sure what happened to that fun, outrageously silly show, but it is long gone.

As with Atlanta, no one on this show likes each other anymore. It’s painful and obvious that even the supposed friendship scenes are fabricated and the ladies are dialing it in. Additionally, I am very tired of the husbands dominating the storyline. This is a show about Housewives – I don’t care about your hubby. If they are that interested in being housewives, get a sex change!

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Have you ever said something and immediately after you said it, you wished you could take it back? I think it’s known as foot in mouth syndrome. You know, the awkward moment when something unguarded or rude flies out of your mouth and you’re like ‘ooohhh… oooohhh… that was a mistake. Why did I say that?’ And you try to backpedal. I dunno – maybe Teresa Giudice doesn’t have that radar? So, anyway that was the theme of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Teresa said something rude to her brother Joew Gorga about Melissa. She probably realized she shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late. The idea was out there floating around in the universe. And the problem was not that Melissa might leave her hubby for a richer man, but that Teresa thinks she would. So there you have it. Teresa, God help her.

We all love Teresa for her sense of unfiltered honesty, but sometimes you gotta know when to zip it! And sometimes you have to know when to pick and chose your battles. And Melissa is not the type of person to give up the opportunity to look like the blessed golden one; the innocent taken advantage of. So when she came at Teresa with the ‘YOU APOLOGIZE! YOU SAID HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME’ stuff, Teresa should have owned it and said “sorwry, Meliss.” Now – that would have shocked the words right out of Lady Gorga’s mouth!

Now onto the recap. So last night everyone is at the shore except for Caroline Manzo and her fam. They’re back in Franklin Lakes talking about how fat Lauren Manzo is. The Manzos have poop in their pants – meaning they’re wet blanket miserable bores. I used to love Caroline, now I just count the minutes until she’s off the TV. Oh – did I say that out loud? Sorry, Caroline’s publicist! So everyone FUN – or even remotely fun – is at the shore where Teresa is having some gathering on a boat. It will be The Juicys, The Lauritas, The Wakiles, and The Gorgas.

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Someone needs better agents. Ex Real Housewives of New York cast member Kelly Bensimon has just released a dieting book, I Can Make You Hot: The Supermodel Diet, when she isn’t even on the air anymore. Poor thing.

If you’d like to resemble the above photo, the book tells you to eliminate “sugar, oil, alcohol, salt, caffeine and nuts” and to chew gum. Kelly also advises to chew “8 times instead of 4.” In other words, the same old dieting advice you have heard about 5 million times before with a little extra psychosis just for fun. Other groundbreaking dieting advice is drink 8 to 10 glasses of water, get enough sleep and exercise daily.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, the ladies of Jersey continued to fragment – but surprisingly so did the men! There was drunken debauchery, poison expulsion, and a fight! Oh, Joe G-to-the-iudice, why you such a mess?

Things begin with Jacqueline Laurita throwing the wayward Hatley Holmes out of the house. Except, Ashlee’s hatless now – she’s Lohan-esque instead (I would call her Injectibles Holmes, but people might think I’m talking about Jacqueline). Anyway, Jacs didn’t seem at all sad to see her go. And poor, once-promising Albie Manzo was sentenced to drive Ashlee to the airport. In the car she whines and fussed about flying and begs the aeronautics gods to make her 21 so she can get wasted before her flight. Then she brags about the time she drank a bottle of cough syrup through a straw to ease her fear of flying. That’s not completely cracktastic or anything! #rehab.

Albie compares Ashlee to Ke$ha but I think that’s too generous because at least Ke$ha has some semblance of talent (maybe?) and a career of some undeserved recognition.

Melissa Gorga pays a visit to Non-Juicy Joe where he is hard at work overseeing the development of buildings. She’s wearing some sort of tight, mini dress and Joe gooses her as they tour the facilities. Joe owns three buildings on the same street – one for each of their children. Melissa doesn’t get a building – she gets Joe and his poison instead. #luckygirl #sarcasm. They reminisce about a time when they had no money to buy diapers and were poor, poor while Joe was developing his buildings.

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They’re baaaaaaaaaaaack. So, last night was the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiere and well, I think it’s very clear how this is all shaking out. It’s Teresa Giudice vs. the world. Bring back Super T cause she needs that cape! From the very first moment of the show, it was evident the emotions are raw and palpable. And it was hard for me to watch. Dare I say, this is the realest any Real Housewives show has ever been!

Things begin with the Wakiles and Gorgas are at the shore house. Kathy Wakile is cooking of course. Someone brings up Teresa‘s cookbook and, conveniently,  just so happens to have a copy. And Richie just so happens to read aloud from it in front of all the parties while Melissa Gorga looks uncomfortable. Everyone discusses how much Teresa has changed since fame swept her under it’s demon wing and flew her far away from the marble palace in the half-vacant sub-division, the orange tans, and the salty, sewery breeze of Jersey; to a place where she is honored and revered and not a pariah for her love of sequins and trash talk. Non-Juicy Joe (aka Joe Gorga – gosh it feels good to use the old nicknames again!) announces that as a family, they are moving past the cookbook insults. We all know that’s not true!

At Jacqueline Laurita‘s she is having a party to get Caroline Manzo and Teresa in the same room together. The Manzo spawn are still incensed about Terea’s comments in the cookbook and Caroline is all like ‘you don’t have to kiss my feet – but you better if you want me to accept this apology.’

Somebody brings up Ashley, Ashlee, Hatlee - whatever – and wonders it she’s still a complete loser. That’s an affirmative! Lauren Manzo, who’s become quite the Donette Caroline, quips that the only thing Ashlee has changed about her life is her hair color. Lauren, on the other hand, completed med school by aged 16 and is a doctor on TV, saving children’s lives. Oh wait – that was Doogie Howser.

Teresa shows up and things are prickly. She wants to talk to Caroline and apologize about the cookbook misunderstanding. What?! <<Head spinning>> She wants to handle something like an adult not chuck an onion at Caroline’s head and tell her to go to hell or something. Teresa sits Caroline down and basically says they were all jokes and Caroline should get over it, but she’s sorry she hurt her feelings. All said though, Teresa’s face was so full of emotion and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. It was odd. All these ladies seem so broken. Caroline doesn’t feel the apology is sincere (even though I think it was in Teresa’s way) but decides she’s going to co-exist with Teresa. They hug and Teresa tells Caroline she’s like family to her.

Meanwhile everyone else is prepping for the shore. At the Gorgas’ Joe tells Melissa Teresa thinks Melissa would leave him if she met a richer man. So this definitely seems like a family rebuilding. Melissa and Joe go back and forth about the Teresa issue; they’re both hurt and Teresa is totally out of line. Who says that? So when did Bravo rename this show The Teresa Experience?

Kathy and Richie are packing. Richie pulls out some sex oil and Kathy gets all squeamish, telling him to hide it so no one sees it. Yet – they’re talking about it on television… Right. If sexing up their marriage is going to be a storyline, don’t expect me to recap that. Kathy implores him to just be nice to Teresa and try to get along, since they’ll all be spending time together over the weekend.

Over at Teresa‘s they are also packing up for the shore. Teresa admits this has been a hard year for her with Joeww and his issues. Teresa says Joe has become the nanny and she is now the breadwinner. She loves having him help her around the house, except he’s still lumbering around like a caveman screaming at everyone and tantruming. In the middle of all the chaos, Melania calls Gia a “stupid pooper” BWAHAHA! – which needs to replace bitch and whore as the standard HW insult. Teresa threatens to wash her mouth out with soap unless she apologizes like she means it. Hmmm… maybe Caroline needs to try that approach with T!

In the car on the way there, Teresa asks Joe about what he did last night. Joe claims he was out with some girls! On business! Um, say what? Teresa and Gia‘s hair stands up on end and they’re both like ‘wadaya mean girls’? Joe barks that they need to stay outta his bizness  – except that broke fool doesn’t have bizness. And he was at TGI Friday!

Teresa is well aware of the rumors that Joe is cheating on her and she tells him Gia knows too, so he better keep his legs closed! Who would have an affair with Joe? Teresa would cut you faster than you could say Boo. Dang, I get the shivers just thinking about it!

Later while Jr. Mafia Joe is preparing for prison by weight lifting, Teresa wafts in wearing her leopard print robe to confront him about Gia being aware of what goes on. Teresa cites a magazine article she did talking about him going to prison and says Gia is worried about it and can read things. A Giudice that can read? Impossible! Joe, in a rare moment of clarity, tells Teresa this is the life they chose by going on TV. Teresa wants to protect her girls, but Joe seems unconcerned.

The funniest part was the mouse poop in that slide thing they had all rolled up on the roof and all the girls freaking out. haha. I love Melania and she melts my heart. She’s totally a crazy Housewife in training!

At Jacqueline‘s she gets a visit from her lifecoach. Apparently Ashlee is completely out of control and only focused on partying. In fact several times she has gotten stranded in the city because she’s too drunk to get home and Chris has to pick her up in the middle of the night. Yikes. The lifecoach gives her the same advice she’s been getting for three years and hasn’t taken. So when are they buying Ashlee another car?

So, Caroline is menopausal – or pregnant with a change of life baby! No just kidding – although I just kept waiting and waiting for Bravo to pull that out. It could still happen! Maybe Kathy will get the middle-aged storyline this season. Anyway, Caroline’s been having migraines and has been increasingly short tempered. She blames the company she keeps and her children for deserting her. Then hastily adds that Lauren still lives at home though. The doctor tells her she’s getting old. ha

The Gorga’s arrive at their shore house, which used to be normal and quaint until Joe decided to blow it up into a mcmansion complete with a liberry and a roller rink. Sadly, it’s still a construction zone and not fit for habitation. Melissa glares at him and snaps – no sex for you. Tarzan’s not leaving the jungle tonight!

So they all cruise over to Rich and Kathy‘s place, where they proceed to talk about Teresa some more. Apparently Melissa just so happened to come accross Teresa’s In Touch Weekly cover. And after she drew devil horns and a mustache on Teresa’s face and sobbed that she wasn’t front and center, she read the article. Basically, Teresa admitted she was scared that Jr Mafia Joe may be headed to prison.

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Our favorite reality stars can’t get enough of the limelight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to Twitter to share even more with us.  And we love them for it!  Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from the Twitterverse this week!  Enjoy!

Above: Mob Wives stars Renee Graziano and Big Ang.  Renee Tweeted: “This is what friends r for #mobwives”.

Below you’ll find Snooki, Caroline Manzo, Kim Kardashian, Teresa Giudice, Reza Farahan, Melissa Gorga and more!

[Photo credit: Renee's Twitter]

 

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