Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies played Bravo’s most popular game: She/said-She/Said. The winner was Meghan Edmonds, who claimed the ‘Pot Stirrer Meet Kettle’ award. Because honestly, accusing someone else of being a pot stirrer in defense of Tamra Judge is absolutely ludicrous beyond belief!
As is always the case on vacations Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson can’t keep it in their pants… their bodily functions that is. After a night of binge drinking Tamra, Vicki, and Shannon Beador are in no condition to go on an underwater excursion. As Tamra termed it she can’t stop s#*!ing herself. Can we get Tamra and Vicki some sort of potty training refresher course? Meanwhile not even the nebulizer can clear out Shannon’s brain.
Heather Dubrow, wearing DENIM CUTOFFS (it was like an alien sighting — but she looked great), barges in to try to rally them, but even her assurances that she had Depends and wipes in her Birkin couldn’t get Vicki and Shannon to come along. Tamra dragged herself aboard the bus and worked diligently not to poop her 1992 Hair Band video vixen hot pink one-piece during the boat trip.
The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Tahiti, which means Meghan Edmonds is dishing out lectures on how to behave all cultured and classy-ish while Tamra Judge is desperate to show off her new jugs with some topless swimming. When not in America be like the French! Thank goodness Governess Heather Dubrow was supervising this trip to keep these bitches in line. Heather is demanding a raise – she has diamond-studded Champs Doorbells to buy!
First things first, the group boards a ferry to get to their final destination: Moorea. Like any good horror movie it starts with the heroine getting the feeling that something is wrong…. Vicki Gunvalson‘s suspicions grew in proportion to Meghan’s hair soufflé, which expanded like a Chia Pet … getting pouffier and pouffier… meanwhile Vicki was feeling pukier and pukier – even her dry heaves sound like whoo hoos.
Before traveling to Tahiti our unfortunate Housewives are forced to take part in a couples game night hosted by Meghan. Because Meghan takes her job as being a HashtagCoolStepMom very seriously, Hayley, her 17-year-old stepdaughter is involved in the planning of said party. Meghan, confusing a grownup party with her own Candy Land Princess-themed birthday party, went to Party City and bought balloons and giant bags of candy. If Heather Dubrow were planning this, she’d hire a French chocolatier to hand-craft custom-flavored truffles decorated with the family insignia. Alas, this is Meghan we’re dealing with so Blow Pops it is.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County reality was a hard-knocks life. Meghan Edmonds cried because being a grownup is really, really, really difficult and she just needs Jimmy to wipe her tears and tell her it will be OK. Unfortunately she can’t find the box of tissues in the moving boxes and she’s pretty sure the movers put them in with her trashcan right next to her self-awareness.
Shannon Beador is on a quest to lose weight; her heavy heart is weighing her down. Despite being 50 she’s never, ever worked out! Shannon visits some trainer/spiritualist who makes her pull up her shirt and then squeezes her chi center, (which if you say that out like sounds like a delicious crispy snack similar to Cheetos!). Shannon isn’t sure what’s making the scale rise and rise (mixing nine lemons with vodka?!) but the likely culprit is emotional baggage.
Tamra is preparing to go to Northern California with her mom to witness her granddaughter’s birth. Sarah, Ryan’s wife, has a scheduled c-section and Tamra is bummed Ryan will be in the delivery room instead of the TAM-MA. After all WHO has more experience with babies?! #Astro.
The whole situation is a bit bittersweet, however, because Vicki is leaving for Chicago for her mother’s funeral and Tamra is sad she won’t be able to attend. Tamra deals with her grief by focusing on how she’ll be the hottest grandma in the OC and that her mom Sandra will be the hottest great-grandma. She instructs Sandra to get a full-body health scan and then have some sex for the other type of full-body scan, so she doesn’t die. Only Tamra would combine sex and death and grandmothers in a heart-to-heart. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not…
Of course, Vicki’s tragic news was preceded by petty dramas with clueless Meghan Edmonds, and interspersed with scenes of whooping it up over Bunco at Shannon Beador‘s house. It seems inappropriate to write a recap that encompasses both the tragic passing of a parent and nonsense over whether or not a party invite was shady. But alas, the powers that be over at Bravo have given me this incredible opportunity. (Sarcasm).
At Meghan’s house, that’s not really Meghan’s house because Jimmy bought it and decorated it with one of his exes, they’re packing in preparation for a move. Apparently Meghan and Jimmy have moved 65 times in the last 6 minutes so I presume they’re high-class squatters and this is going to be a really interesting HGTV cross-over. Also, if you don’t really live anywhere – how have you amassed enough stuff for several junk drawers? Jimmy blames Meghan for the stuff. Because of course.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies put aside their differences, pettiness, and spite in the name of philanthropy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
In Napa, at the Bello’s fabulous mansion, celebrating COLLETTE, the fabulous non-champagne occupying the niche market of Methode Champenoise, aka sparkling wine coolers, drama is ensuing. When in fabulous surroundings, act not fabulous! Shannon Beador and Meghan KING Edmonds are arguing over being non-charitable regarding Meghan’s wine fundraiser for juvenile diabetes (because nothing says diabetic and kids like wine!).
Meghan doesn’t understand why Shannon doesn’t want to help her host this event, because although Meghan is tall enough to reach the sky, she has difficulty understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I mean, OF COURSE Shannon would want to help some young upstart third wife of a has-been athlete, because charity starts at home among your RHOC kin. DUH!
Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!