Last week, the ladies were in a frightening accident after Tamra Judge flipped their ATV in the Glamis Dunes. Vicki was airlifted to the hospital but poor lowly Tamra only got whisked away by ambulance.
Heather Dubrow and Kelly Dodd, the luckiest stars in the Bravo galaxy, celebrate their survival with some judgey phone calls in between many glasses of champs (and one PTSD-flavored beer). First, Heather called Meghan to let her know Vicki was at the Palm Springs hospital, so could Meghan please just abandon waiting for Shannon Beador‘s arrival at La Quinta to rush over and check on Vicki.
Tamra is trying to organize a trip for Eddie’s birthday, except none of her fancy pants (or wannabe fancy pants) friends are willing to spend three days riding ATVS around sand dunes and living in trailers. How is Shannon Beador going to manage in a place with no crystals embedded in the walls. Or without “hospital-grade air”!?
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was about creating memories. For some that means a south of the border, borderline sex tape featuring guacamole and skinny dipping; for others, it’s forced entrapment of your friends and family in a deceased talk show host’s dessert estate. So everyone be quiet and let Shannon Beador and Vicki Gunvalson imagine worlds of fabricated perfection!
Shannon is on cloud nine. She is so euphoric she has forgotten how to speak Spanish – even though she placed second in the country on the National Spanish Exam? Que?! She better grab her flashcards, cause she is headed to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for a re-honeymoon! Of course no Shannon Beador expedition is complete without Shannon Beador accessories!
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was about starting over, with new friends, new introspection, new babies, and new directions for the marriage that cut out the cancerous tumor and got brand spankin’ new cells! David officially decided that he really, really re-loves Shannon Beador for real this time and planned a surprise re-wedding. It was all very nice and lovely.
The marital travails of Shannon and Daviddo beg the question: Can one completely ignore the past and acquire a new beginning? Is it possible to start afresh with brand new red bottoms, unsullied from scuffing along sidewalks trailing behind your husband’s secret life? Like a facelift, can all the old sagging skin of our former misery be lifted up into a permanent smile; a renewed face to face a renewed future?
Well hot damn was that an exciting episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County! Satan is confusing, and so too is Kelly Dodd. My head is still spinning from all the crazy, but I think it may be one of my favorite episodes ever. SO much happened that it was like watching Real Housewives as guest-directed by Quentin Tarantino.
One thing we have definitely learned in our many years observing Housewives in their native environments is that slightly unhinged women do not mix with tables and prostitution whores. Also “mother” and “not a prostitute” are mutually exclusive. No, Kelly didn’t flip a table, but she did flip an entire coven of Housewives and Housewives associates on their heads with expletive-laden, name calling the likes of which Heather Dubrow(who was ironically wearing leopard in a subtle homage to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, I imagine (intentional or ironic!?)) has never heard!
Yeah, I don’t care how much Kelly Dodd annoys the bejesus out of me (and probably Tamra Judge‘s sculpted patootie), Shannon Beador set her up at her 70’s partaaay. Which was not necessarily OK. And it was, well, ugly. Honestly, I think most of us, the Real Housewives Of Orange County ladies included, are gonna pretend Shannon is innocent on the principal of their dislike for Kelly, but the double-teaming of Jaci and Nina, three boobs, and a bull dozer, are all too coincidental.
And you know what they say: If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck – it’s probably a Real Housewife training for a fitness competition and practicing in her lucite stripper heels!
Kelly is a hot wreck of insane annoyingness. Girl, you have got to dial that down to at least 11! She’s just … TOO MUCH. When Kelly drinks holy – can she not reign it in! Shannon was totally twatty to Kelly, but Kelly had a raging case of the Saturday night ferocious when she massively over-reacted to two gossipy bitches talking garbage and Shannon’s projecting. Or who knows – maybe Kelly does have something to hide? WHOOOO are you, Kelly Dodd? Do I really want to know?
So everyone is stranded at Kelly Dodd‘s house – which consists of 4 stories of bars and Bansky-esque decor, and is littered with bizarrely behaving bitches in the form of Real Housewives. It was like Alice In Wonderland meets the color white. Off with your head, but first: a spot of vodka for your very unfriendly chat.