So everyone is stranded at Kelly Dodd‘s house – which consists of 4 stories of bars and Bansky-esque decor, and is littered with bizarrely behaving bitches in the form of Real Housewives. It was like Alice In Wonderland meets the color white. Off with your head, but first: a spot of vodka for your very unfriendly chat.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was oddly medicinal. Is Bravo opening a medical trauma center? The last thing we need on this show are MORE health dramas. Leave people’s bodies alone, Bravo! I don’t want to see any journeys that involve doctors, unless of course one of these broads is married to a doctor and he’s doing wonky and weird and very money making doctoring.
That sounds gross and extremely serial killer, but just watch Botched and you’ll get the gist. When people weren’t ill last night, they were moving, or preparing to move, or crying over their spiritual wellness while holding a dumbbell. It was issues galore on RHOC!
So things begin with Vicki Guvnalson in OK to move Briana back to OC. They pile the car with Briana’s kids for a 19 hour drive, and leave Ryan to tie up all the loose ends of their windswept McMansion on the Prairie life there.
Last night someone on Real Housewives Of Orange County was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Of course that’s not surprising. At. All. But what is surprising is that Kelly Dodd claims it was her husband Michael, former COO of a massive company, who was the afflicted. Are we sure Kelly didn’t misread something? After all, she isVicki GunvlasonJr. – and we know how Vicki happens to misread medical documents!
Oh last night was a doozy. Everyone is on a yacht with Vicki fauxpologizing to Heather Dubrow about her presumed role in the Brooks assumed cancer scam. Obviously this conversation went on and on, but we got like 4 disjointed snippets of Vicktim pretending she has no idea why the women are angry with her after she admitted to seeing “red flags” but reacted by yelling, “Buy my cancer juice! Love my boyfriend! I Do! I DO! I DO! I DO! Oh wait – there’s no altar, but I do see a cross! I’m persecuted like Jesus! WOO HOO!”
I’m not a doctor, I just play one while I watch TV, so I really must psychoanalyze Vicki Gunvalson. After years of watching Real Housewives, I fully expect ‘The Crazies’ from these ladies (and yes, I am even waiting on Heather Dubrow to have her moment!), but in the case of Vicki there are obviously some deep roots connected to the Brooks Ayers mess.Unlike the other ladies, I am lucky to observe a respectful distance from Vicki’s crazies, which likely makes me a bit more compassionate.
If Vicki would just be honest – ha! – I think it would go a long way in regaining esteem among her castmates. If she would just be open about how she loved Brooks so much and so hard, that she couldn’t force herself to even consider the truth, and just admit that yes – at some point she did have red flags, but so desperately didn’t want to know so she put on blinders. I believe that then she would be able to begin healing with these women – and the audience.
So here’s a run-down of the behind-the-scenes reveals:
1. The producers lie to everyone. Case in point: Alexis Bellino. Alexis insists she quit;Heather Dubrow and Tamra Judge insist she was fired. At the CUT Fitness party, the opening party for season 8, after Alexis flees following the onslaught from the ladies, she is overheard telling the producers, “This is why I didn’t want to come back!” The producers admitted they worked behind the scenes to convince Alexis to return – including that Vicki Gunvalson would befriend her, and by hiring Lydia McLaughlin.
Before we get to the assery of Brooks (and later Terry) we must first confront the assery of David. Did you know – he had an affair! During the last reunion Shannon Beador pretended her marriage was amazing and wonderful and more perfect than ever. Except, haha – 3 weeks prior she had learned David was cheating, then he left her, then he came home with his dick tail between his legs, and then he whisked her away on a 17-day romantic vacation. So she wasn’t lying! Sadly when the cameras started rolling again, “reality” set-in.
Really – honestly – I don’t care what’s happening with Shannon, her vagina, her affair, her husband, her colon, her rectum, because her voice is sounding more like my 90-year-old great aunt’s by the day and that’s scary.
The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. It’s my version of cleansing.
The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesn’t believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She “covered” for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andy’s dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vicki’s uncannily calm demeanor as being “in a state of shock” over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took.
The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmonds‘ hair – why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senator’s wife.
What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange Countyreunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!
Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs.
Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue!