Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!
In case you were feeling stressed out about the lack of available Real Housewives wines (and other sparkly alcoholic beverages), Heather Dubrow is launching her own champagne, not to be confused with Fabellini. Appropriately this champagne is named after Heather’s 5-year-old daughter Colette, who leads Heather to drink. Heather commissions a giant champagne bottle-shaped cake, that she is flying in its own seat on a private plane to Napa for the launch party of Colette Champagne. All of the ladies are invited. Lifestyles of the rich and guest role on canceled sitcom hopefully famous!
Literally fell asleep – snoooooze, snore, zzzzzzzzzz, yawn at the thought of another Housewives hawking wine storyline.
Vicki Gunvalson is WOOHOOING to her hooha’s content and rolling in the affirmations! Brooks Ayers and his (apparently suspect?) cancer have moved in and Vicki is relishing in the fact that she can play the nagging, over-bearing, mother hen who also holds the bank account and the car insurance. “Brooks eat that carrot or you’re gonna get spanked!” Of course, Brooks is acting the part of the rebellious teen sneaking light ranch dressing and whining that he can’t have Wonderbread with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter like all the other boys.
“Cancer loves white bread!” Vicki lectures, making a little note to up Brooks’ insurance policy and give a rousing speech at the next insurance convention about the benefits of long-term care policies. Now she knows from experiences. WOO HOO! Vicki is having her affirmations for breakfast and selling them too.
Last night was the season finale of The Real Housewives Of Orange County and everyone was ready to move forward. I mean after verbally decimating each other again. Or if you ask Heather Dubrow “pugilistically” arguing! Yes, the highlight of the episode was when Mrs. Perfect Always Right used her vocab word incorrectly!
The ladies are back from Bali and one person truly embraced the spirit of reincarnation to shed all the dead weight (did the fish eat it?): Shannon Beador! She’s a whole new woman – she and David are even sleeping in the same bed. Despite her issues with Tamra and Heather, Shannon wants to move forward (catchphrase of the night) so she’s attending Vicki Gunvalson‘s party with positive energy and no hard feelings. If only… if only feelings were likewise.
Over at Tamra Barney‘s home for the grudge-holding, snarling biatches, she’s still spitting mad that she got called out. And ain’t nobody gonna escape her wrath! Tamra reveals that she took an earlier flight home to escape the girls and now she doesn’t want to go to Vicki’s party because Lizzie Rovsekis the devil in an ugly dress. In Tamra’s mind Lizzie is something from an R.L Stine’s Goosebumps novel (4th grade reading level!). She calls Heather, who is now totally team Tamra. Tamra has a million excuses for all the horrible things she has done and said – and how everyone else is worse; Tamra spins things more than my washing machine. But unlike my washer – the dirt isn’t coming out!
The ladies are in Bali and things were supposed to be rejuvenating. They were if you consider that coconut water is practically on tap there, but the company was just as negative as always! We witnessed a two-pronged dinner fight, that went into several acts last night. Shakespeare would be so proud of our Bravo editors! Dinner Act 1 featured Tamra squaring off against Lizzie Rovsek over fashion backstabbing and birthday ditching. Tamra fled the table, which is a serious sign of weakness in the Housewives kingdom and it let Lizzie know that Tamra is vulnerable so she fortified her mutiny.
The next day there is a clear divide between the Old Guard (Tamra, Heather, and Vicki) and the New Gals (Lizzie, Shannon Beador and that silent one – Mute Wide-Eyed McPout Dumberson). The agenda is playing with monkeys, touring a temple, and shopping in the market. Old Guard is dressed to the tropical nines. Heather’s dress was fabulous; humidity does not exist in the carefully calibrated perfectly controlled world of Heather – is she some sort of Housewives superhero? The New Gals were in workout gear – Lizzie practically wore a bikini as Tamra sneered that booty shorts aren’t appropriate for a temple. Ironic considering Tamra was also wearing booty shorts. Luckily the temple was booty short prepared and forced them to put sarongs over their clothes.
Whenever the Real Housewives of Orange County travel it’s an elephantine-sized disaster. And this time they came into contact with actual elephants. I’m pretty sure subjecting an elephant to Vicki Gunvalson‘s screaming constitutes animal abuse. Last night they all traveled to Bali for some spiritual awakening, reincarnated relationships, and bonding – at least that was on the trip prospectus.
Bali is being terrorized by California ladies with 25 pieces of designer baggage and enough anxiety drugs (they’re holistic!!) to tranquilize an elephant. The real purpose of this trip is for us to get different scenery while they haggle and rehash over the same dang arguments. Vicki has a conniption fit because she thinks all the calming auras in Indonesia will interfere with the WiFi signal so she won’t be able to WORK! WORK! WORK! More time to FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (or in Vicki’s case get motion sickness and puke in Tamra Judge‘s lap in the back of a van).
After 30 hours on a plane everyone, including that silent one Danielle Gregorio, arrives. She is now called “Dumb” as in 1/2 of the Vicki-dubbed Dumb & Dumber. She was wearing a molting Muppet costume on the plane. I seriously wonder what happened with this one. Why is she the RHOC ghost? I feel like a Sc0oby Doo montage starring Shannon Beador‘s mystery door needs to breakout!
Things begin with Tamra Barney telling Vicki Gunvalson about Ryan’s surprise engagement. Vicki understands given that Briana surprised eloped last season. If your children are always hiding something from you that’s probably a sign that they think you’re crazy.
However, quickly talk turns to TheShannon BeadorDilemna. Vicki is straight to the point with Tamra that she started causing all this drama and now is stepping back like ‘Don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!’ – and that Heather Dubrow is also being an instigator. Vicki thinks Heather needs to be knocked down a a notch or two to understand empathy. I am loving this equanimous Vicki. More of this please! Less of that rat’s nest on her head that she calls hair, however!
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County everybody was having a meltdown. I swear Andy Cohen needs to have staff psychiatrists at these Housewives shoots!
We begin at Lizzie Rovsek‘s dinner party on the balcony of bitchery. Shannon Beador is over-whipped into a frenzy and Tamra Judge is making things worse by grabbing at her face and yelling under the guise of calming her down. Shannon became more agitated thinking Tamra’s bad Botox was contagious. “I was trying to restrain her,” huffs Tamra.
Finally David helps Shannon into her coat to escort her out of the party. I’m pretty sure he was planning to drive her to Cedars Mt. Sinai for the Britney Spears suite. Vicki Gunvalson runs outside to confront Shannon and it seemed genuine. She encouraged Shannon to just go home and not deal with this anymore today.