Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County everybody was having a meltdown. I swear Andy Cohen needs to have staff psychiatrists at these Housewives shoots!
We begin at Lizzie Rovsek‘s dinner party on the balcony of bitchery. Shannon Beador is over-whipped into a frenzy and Tamra Judge is making things worse by grabbing at her face and yelling under the guise of calming her down. Shannon became more agitated thinking Tamra’s bad Botox was contagious. “I was trying to restrain her,” huffs Tamra.
Finally David helps Shannon into her coat to escort her out of the party. I’m pretty sure he was planning to drive her to Cedars Mt. Sinai for the Britney Spears suite. Vicki Gunvalson runs outside to confront Shannon and it seemed genuine. She encouraged Shannon to just go home and not deal with this anymore today.
Lizzie Rovsek tried to have an elegant dinner party for her classy TV friends, except she didn’t have any classy TV friends to invite so she just stuck with her co-stars. Lizzie decorated her parent’s beach house with a beautiful table setting and hired fire dancers to perform. Her husband Christian made a lovely toast, the food looked delicious, and the drinks stiff. But it was the company… oh it’s that bad company that gets you in trouble every time!
Before we get to another one of Bravo’s dinner parties from hell, lets backtrack. A Few Days Before…
After Shannon holds up dinner for hours and hours with a crying whining meltdown on the beach (I hope she didn't get sand in her eyes), over her marital discord, she and David agree to try and get along on the trip if David would agree to switch to organic tequila. Of course, in secret, David called the authorities and started the process for a 5150 psychiatric hold for Shannon. Then he chugged his tequila – and suddenly all Brooks Ayers' words of Hallmark wisdom (seriously how many Lifetime Movies does this guy watch?!) made sense. Brooks toasted to forgetting the past because we know he wants errrryone to forget his and they all headed to Andeles, Vicki's Mecca.
Oh Vicki Gunvalson – after eight or so seasons of Vicki annoying the piss out of us (see what I did there – cause Vicki peed her pants), she's getting counseling and emerged a wiser, more self-confident, and self-aware woman. And she's spreading her messages to the masses.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County we entered an alternate universe of housewifery where Vicki was preaching about learning from mistakes, taking ownership, and in general being a happier person less concerned with what others think. Either Brooks' falsie-affirmations are working (the power of believing, yo!) or counseling is, but whatever – we'll take it. And I'll also take a Vicki G spinoff called The Love Tank Whisperer.
Vicki took her love tank restructuring seminar to Puerto Vallarta and invited Shannon Beador and her imploding marriage along. It takes a brave woman to take a disaster on vacation and still focus on the fun! Shannon and David are in a tailspin of dysfunction with Shannon digging in and clinging tightly to an evaporating David who is floating farther and farther out in the metaphorical sea.
I don't even know what to say about last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. It was surprising – to say the least – surprising in that it featured real emotions and a storyline that did not seem entirely crafted by producers. Sure, there were moments that seemed 'encouraged' but the reactions of the women to the circumstances seemed deliciously authentic – which makes the episode both incredibly sad, and incredibly engaging to watch. In short, this is one of the most interesting episodes of RHOC I've seen in a while, except for the revolting Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks Ayers scenes.
Let's dive in!
Shannon Beador is at Tamra Barney's house looking for a confidante in a former kindred spirit. See Tamra has been down that divorce road again and again (and if this season's Eddie has any indication… again!). Shannon confesses that since their children were born – pretty much the beginning of their marriage – things have been very strained and distant; that David does not look at her with love in his eyes, and after a bout with allergies David pretty much permanently switched his sleeping accommodations to a guest room (which explains why the master bedroom looked so itty-bitty last episode!)
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the dramas were as real as the friendships were fake. And Shannon Beador is about to learn a nasty lesson in Housewives betrayal – right on top of learning one about heartbreak. Why is this exactly the plot of a Lifetime Movie? Oh goody!
So, let's just break this down; either Tamra Barney's new doctor is injecting her with crazy-hormones (and by that I mean more crazy than usual hormones) or girlfriend is having a nervous breakdown. Of course, that still doesn't excuse her rancid personality and wretched two-faced-ness. Do personalities spoil like milk?
Tamra is still mad at Heather Dubrow for having a life beyond her or RHOC – and for daring to promote another gym on TV besides CUT Fitness. I mean that horrible hoochie-hussy – she is like single-handedly destroying Tamra's business. As if Tamra's behavior on RHOC isn't at allllll responsible for destroying her reputation.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County a certain Heather Dubrow got a taste of her own medicine. No, I don't mean she was forced to wear Target clothing, I mean Tamra Barney shanked her with some petty, made up reasons to hate while at a party and Heather became the new Gretchen is the new Alexis. Stage an intervention to call someone fake, wind up in an intervention being told you're fake (and condescending!).
See, it's a dog eat dog world that Andy Cohen created and you have stab someone with storyline drama before they can stab you. Alas Heather considered Tamra her a 'real' friend. Boy was she wrong, because you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But at least Vicki Gunvalson behaved decently… for a change!
So yes, Shannon Beador and Heather think their holiday cards are on par with the White House's in terms of preeminent importance. Shannon tells us that people look forward to her card every year and Heather gives a gushing speech about what it represents to her family (Time immemorial? Neil deGrasse Tyson joke!). They both hire full glam crews and professional photography teams to make these visions come to life. I think I saw Anna Wintour scuttling around behind the ladder in Heather's shoot.
It's nice to know that I have some things in common with these two wealthy beacons of the upper echelons – because even though I take my holiday photo with an iPhone, my kids misbehave just as much as Heather and Shannon's do! Anyway, Heather is taking her card in what looks like the parking lot of a storage facility. Maybe since they're between mega mansions she's going for homeless chic?