Coming off my post-Christmas slump to deal with Real Housewives Of Atlanta makes me a bit cranky. Now I don’t know about y’all but I really don’t care if Phaedra Parks owes Todd Tucker money. I’d rather talk about Kandi Burruss rocking the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of over-the-knee sequined boots at 6 months pregnant. And I’d also like to discuss Kenya Moore‘s latest fake-a-date.
Kenya and Marlo Hampton hit the gym because this is totally 2000 and that’s where you meet men. Or cows. But not poopers. They’re playing with balls when James walks over to flirt with Kenya. James checks some of Kenya’s boxes: Tall, handsome, fit – but he’s too young and is but a mere personal trainer. They have a totally awkward, phony flirtation that results in a date. I was distracted by James smiling with his lip over his teeth and was waiting for them to expose scary teeth. But they weren’t scary at all.
Later Kenya and James meet to play basketball. Kenya wears a baby blue outfit to send subliminal hints that say, “Sperm donor.” Kenya isn’t sure if she wants a second date with James because he’s too young (and seriously this date was more awkward than one of those stupid male model photoshoots they always force uponAmerica’s Next Top Model contestants), but she’d totally turkey baste him in an alley, y’all!
Honestly I don’t know what to say about last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Sorry this is late by the way – I was re-playing the ‘Glen Gets Slammed Into The Wall’ scene on repeat until dawn.
Somewhere Glen Rice Jr. turned to the very dark side. Either he’s a drunk, rude, out of control jerk; or he’s a rude, out of control jerk, but alcohol (+ Kenya Moore?) made things worse!
I think we can ALL agree we’re not getting the whole story from Bravo. Based on the women’s reactions, Glen’s 0-60 psychosis, plus the 3 mobile refrigerator units that appeared out of nowhere to practice their sumo skills on Glen and living room wall, I’d say some serious SERIOUS information got lost on the editing floor. Right next to Porsha Williams‘ couth, dignity, and trophy wife status! (Did she REALLY admit to a golden shower on television last night? Really?!)
In a bizarre twist of well, everything Real Housewives Of Atlanta has stood for these long seasons,Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams planned the trip together. As co-conspirators.
The fight on the boat was a reality check for these two, so despite their constant animosity, Kenya and Porsha decided to come together to plan a re-do of Cynthia Bailey‘s redone bachelorette party. Or whatever because Cynthia and Peachter are just great now. So uh… congrats!
Yeah, I don’t know who escalatedCynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams‘ fight, but one thing I do know is that I’m super, ultra relieved it doesn’t appear the fallout will drag on all season, and into the next, and into the next, and into the next until I contemplate throwing them both overboard into Lake Lanier, Atlanta’s unofficial morgue, without a lifejacket, so they are stuck fending for themselves amid the ghosts. Well, at least Phaedra Parks said there were ghosts in that lake.
Anyway, to briefly recap Fight Float, there are “fake as f–k” women causing “fake as f–k fights,” there are fingers in faces, then fingers being grabbed, there is Porsha starting to stand-straddle? (adjusting her position?) – I don’t know – over Cynthia’s lawn chair. Then all of the sudden Cynthia kicks Porsha in the crotchal region! Shocking, yes. But I was mostly relieved no one’s pants burst because, holy crap, I would not be getting all acrobatic and ‘Hi-Yah! Housewives’ in pants that tight!
All aboard the S.S. Krayonce for Bravo’s version of the Titanic, with far less hearts going on and a lot more going off on others. Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a 3 hour cruise went horribly wrong and some Housewives panicked under pressure. It was every Housewife for herself with only unlimited booze, bikinis, and some very extra ‘Friends’.
Before all that Kenya Moore decides to be neighborly by walking over to Chateau Sheree where Sheree Whitfield is sweeping the front porch. What type of so-called exclusive, upscale neighborhood has a highway running through it? Highway 666 judging by the neighbors!
Kenya marvels at the size of Chateau Sheree and tries to barge in, but can’t open the door. Did Sheree get She By SheVicted?! To distract her, Sheree demands, “Where my cookies at?!”
Here’s what I have to say about this season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta: I think I’m gonna like it here. This season things are progressing – storylines are moving. We are no longer subjected to the same tired fake feuds and the men are messier than the Housewives. Is that Bravo’s version of feminism?
Last night we met Kim Fields, and I am so happy she did not appear during Kenya Moore and Sheree Whitfield arguing over who is the most broke. Let’s be honest: it’s a tie! Like, I wouldn’t bet a half-finished glass of Franzia on the these two getting their houses finished in a timely manner. They oughtta both get some luxury RVs and plop them on their respective properties. Or pool their resources to construct a Chatfaux SheMoore Messor.
Last night Real Housewives Of Atlanta returned to us and brought with it Sheree Whitfield! (Which means I get to bust out my trusty #SheByShebroke hashtag again. YESSSSS.) And like two cats in an alley fighting over the remaining sardine of a storyline, Kenya Moore and Sheree are going at it, clawing at each other over who is more delusional and broke.
There is no greater irony than Kenya throwing Sheree’s delusional behavior in her face. Need I remind you all about Krayonce’s Rent-A-Boyfriends 1, 2, and 3, the charade of Life Twirls On, her fake booty, mystery African princes, Walter, and eviction from the home she so-called ‘owned’… But oh, how I adore that Kenya has met her match in shade, delusion, and sheer desperation to GO. THERE. in Sheree! These two are going to be an explosion of delight this season. And I am here for it – popcorn ready. To quote Kenya, “Nom, nom, nom…”