Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.
I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams‘ argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.
It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!
Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.
Well, um, who needs a hot shower after last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta?! The ladies were on pu$$y patrol, but there was also slow motion stiletto strolls, butterflies, and some serious Diana Ross, the Studio 54 years, hairstyles.
After a dramatic ‘lesbian’ laden dinner brought the glamping adventure to an end, Kandi Burruss is too upset by the accusations to ride home on the communal bus. Or maybe she was scared she have to confront further issues? One person, Cynthia Bailey, is relieved to be away from pu$$y-related problems, but alas that escape will be short-lived and come right back at Cynthia like getting struck by lightening.
While Marlo Hampton, stirrer of trouble and bubbles, busies herself with selfies, Sheree Whitfield plots and ponders. Specifically she wonders why Phaedra Parks, one of the originators of the ‘Kandi hooks up with girls’ rumors, never backed her bestie Porsha Williams. But for now Porsha is willing to sit in the hotseat alone, except for her girls ‘Coco and Chanel.’
Last night we learned a few important lessons, mostly that we should never ever let the Real Housewives of any ilk attempt the outdoors. Like nice try Phaedra Parks, but just like your maxi dress, the Real Housewives aren’t a right fit for tents.
Getting out of Atlanta is itself a travail after Porsha Williams has surprise invited her sister Lauren to act as a human security blanket against Porsha’s highly tuned rage. While Porsha and Kenya Moore argue about the merits of their communication styles, Prophet Parks interjects commanding them to STOP and to remember they are all strong personalities who act out. Constantly.
It doesn’t matter that the very thought of latrines and paper plates nearly drove everyone to blows over dinner, Phaedra Parks has decided “roughing it” on a glamping trip is just what the group needs to work through their issues. And if not, she’ll put them on toilet digging duty or have them get lost in the woods. Unfortunately, Porsha has been avoiding Phaedra since dinner, over her possible allegiance to Kenya. So, Phaedra decides the thing to do is meet Kenya on mutual territory to discuss how an anger management conversation got so, well, angry.
Well, Real Housewives Of Atlanta started out nicely, didn’t it? Of course, after Jesus fixed things up nice, it went straight down to hell in a hand basket over dinner! Get your prayer cloths and holy water to the fires, y’all!
I, for one, loved seeing Phaedra Parks and Kenya Moore get their glamour and their good intentions on to drive to Detroit in a vintage convertible, letting the shade fly out the window like one of Kenya’s alleged weaves. Phaedra and Kenya are about to spend a week roughing it with children affected by the Flint water crisis at summer camp.
Kenya Moore returns home from Charlotte, to find her house vandalized. It seems MattJordan is made of magic carpets, because after driving ALL night to Charlotte where he harassed Kenya at Club One, he turned right around and drove all night back to ATL to smash in Kenya’s garage windows, sprinkle (was that juice? blood? droplets of rage?), break her car window and her back door, and spray paint over her security cameras. Dang – hell hath no fury like a man scorned.
On the other side of the spectrum, freed from the clutches of one felonious fool, Phaedra Parks is happily clutching her pearls while smirking the good fortune that has fallen into her lap. Or into her law office, rather, and it’s not a bomb threat this time. And Porsha Williams continues her travels backwards in maturity by sneaking her boyfriend into her mom’s house for a little late-night nookie (with Yoni balls).
For some odd reason Cynthia Bailey decides to have a ‘Starting Over’ party in the office of a boob doctor and have her implants checked for an expiration date. The ladies of Real Housewives have done a lot of weird things in a plastic surgeon’s office, and they’ve had a lot weird versions of starting over/Tru-Renwal parties, but this one was by far the strangest. The whole cast showed up, dressed to the nines, to cram into a little exam room, screech over Cynthia’s boobs, and then watch the doctor diagnose them unevenly hard, but still usable. Not a very dignified way to start over.