It’s hard to believe there was so much drama on season 6 of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta. It’s hard to imagine there will BE so much drama on this seventh season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta!
Of course, I cannot wait – I am literally already clutching my wine glass in anticipation. Squeeee! With that being said, let’s recap all the goods from season 6 so we’re reminded afresh of who hates who, what caused what friction. And of course, Mirror, Mirror on the wall – whose the shadiest of them all?!
Unfortunately Peter's portions of The Husbands Revealed paled in comparison to Apollo "Loose Lips" Nida's marital revelations! The sit-down with the hubbies echoed that unfortunate scene in Mexico where they all sit around smoking cigars and taking shots – except this timeKenya Moore didn't crash. However, she was a hot topic of conversation!
Apollo arrives at the Bar One gathering in sunglasses. "I wear my sunglasses at night…" and the reason – his wife Phaedra Parks SLAPPED HIM. Then she embalmed his face and stuck in a stake in the front yard American Horror Story style! Oh wait, whoops – this is only Bravo. So boring!
Is it true? Has the day really come? Can I finally stop talking about the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion? I mean, how many hours of this three-ring circus have we been subjected to? What was last night hour 475? I chugged a 5 Hour Energy drink vodka soda and settled in for two hours of she-said/she-said-you're dumb-annnnd now here comes the husbands! Oh and the husbands, they sure showed up. Or at least Apollo Nida did. He was gunning for Kenya Moore's title as Queen of the Krazies!
Of all the things that happened last night it was the deafening silence of Kenya in the wake of Phaedra Parks' atomic bomb of verbal destruction. At some point, Kenya, realizing she had not a friend in the eaves, gave up. She just resorted to the silent game, but it was because she was trying not to cry.
Kenya can match any of these broads with her outlandishness, wild accusations, and sheer commitment to getting the job done. NeNe Leakes is easy – she's all loud buffoonery and nebulous threats. Kandi Burruss is just gonna say her bit – loudly – and then get teary eyed, but nobody hates Kandi enough to truly come for her. Cynthia Bailey perpetually wears an expression that says, 'Please don't kick me – I'm already down!" there's no satisfaction in gunning for her. And Porsha Stewart, well, she just gets louder and wilder and self-destructs on a comical level. But Phaedra… Phaedra does not shake.
Last night was the second installment in the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Andy Cohen started off by exonerating Bravo from liability by repeating like a broken record that they do not condone violence. Why? Because Porsha Stewart was sent home like a naughty schoolgirl. I wish someone would have actually sent Porsha back to school, but that's an entirely different story…
Remaining on the stage is hair-tug victim, Kenya Moore. She feels vindicated and not at all responsible for Porsha's outburst. She was just having a little fun with her props. She actually said she was just having a good time. Krayonce's definition of "fun" is just as crazy as the rest of her.
"We fight with our words, I am one of the best at it," Kenya boasted. So good you got beat? Literally. Kenya cites last season in Anguilla when she launched into a tizzy of shrieking 'Gone with the wind fabulous!' as evidence of her masterful UN diplomat-level discourse. Miss Twirl On This obviously forgot the part where NeNe Leakesliterally held her back during that altercation. Detail, smetails!
Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning: Porsha Stewart did in fact live up to the hype. She dragged Kenya Moore across that Real Housewives of Atlantareunion stage by her hair like she was a battery-operated real live pageant doll. The queen is down – off with her head! I was shocked. I was stupefied. I literally had flashbacks of my childhood [illicit] Dynasty watching days. Alexis Carrington lives again. Hey – there were just as many sequins flying.
Shockingly no one lost a garment – except Cynthia Bailey whose entire boob popped out as she leaped up to avoid the fight. Andy Cohen claims he was trying to stop things, but let's be frank he's less than useless. He was afraid. He was like a little yappy dog barking on the periphery of two big dogs going head to head. Boy – have several seats. Go ask NeNe Leakesto hold you in her lap, stroke your head, and tell you it's OK. Poor Andy – his own monster is turning on him. It's eating him alive.
So that happened. And it was not unprovoked. It was not all together unwarranted, but it was totally unacceptable. And at the very least, we learned that either Kenya has the best weave in the world or we just got confirmation that is real hair.
Last night Bravo was up to some chicanery – telling us Real Housewives of Atlanta's finale was an hour and a half and then tacking on some sit-down special with NeNe Leakes for the last 30 minutes. I have to admit NeNe basically ripping up Cynthia Bailey's friendship contract and making it acid rain all over the WWHL stage was far more entertaining than any old memorial for Kenya Moore's dog on what looked like Chateau Sheree's dirt patch vacant grounds.
So anyway, Kandi Burruss and Todd have been through a lot in their relationship, most prevalently they have dodged the mighty weave-wearing bullet of Mama Joyce and her Wal-mart wedges being thrown at them from all angles. Now that they've done a MJ exorcism by developing the play A Mother's Love together, it's time to talk prenup. Kandi wants one and wants one she shall have – so long as the requests are reasonable according to Todd. Basically both parties leave with what they came in with and split everything they accrued together down the middle.
Last night was the pre-finale episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Which means we are almost to the epic reunion. You know you're salivating!
Porsha Stewart is all about spreading her wings and flying post-divorce, except she's not worried about a little thing called a j-o-b. Her priorities are recording a song instead of showing up to rehearsal for the part she was hired to play in Kandi Burruss' musical. Yep, ol Poryonce (per Don Juan) is skipping play practice to go warble some songs she probably bought from Kandi (and pretended to write!) in the recording studio. Look Porsha isn't the worst singer, but she's certainly no Mariah and she should be honing her skills with seasoned veterans on Kandi's stage – instead she's violating her contract, insulting her employer, and making a mockery of a paying job. She'll probably still want top billing too!
On this beautiful-ish Monday morning, I'm a bit sluggish. Perhaps I was lulled into a stupor by Cynthia Bailey's passive non-action on last night's rather tepid and boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta? The wine was not able to keep me – or the episode – afloat. But alas, there were some bright spots.
We're still in Mexico where NeNe Leakes is telling Peter Thomas that he's like a bitch, no wait he's not really a bitch he just wants to be one of the bitches, but not an actual bitch, he's just in bitches' bizness. So he's a bitch but she didn't mean to call him a bitch she was just pointing out that he was acting like a bitch. If you're confused, you are not alone.