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RHOA Recap

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Well it's the day before Christmas, commonly known as Christmas Eve, and all anyone on the island of Anguilla wants is for Kenya Moore to get some help – and go home! Going on vacation with crazy people is one of those unfortunate drawbacks of being on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I s'pose. 

Things begin with Kenya storming away after her massive argument with Porsha Stewart. Alas, no one could agree on who is the real tramp so they both stood up and started bickering about who is more fabulous. Answer: None of the above. 

NeNe Leakes is cackling so loud that her evil plan to expose the real Kenya worked that I thought lightening would descend from the sky. Far more generously, Cynthia Bailey admits that a lot of the stuff Porsha said about Kenya's age would have made her flip out too. 

NeNe is pleased as punch that there goes Kenya letting her crazy sprinkle out and finally explode all over the place. But Kenya has another surprising ally in Phaedra Parks. Phaedra admits that Kenya's ghetto behavior was out of line, but she likes Kenya and thinks she just lacks appropriate communication skills. Poor Kandi Burruss was in the hot tub and missed the whole thing. #priorities #kandikoatednights

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Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta lost one Wig Zolciak and gained one Porsha Stewart – officially – and then they said good riddance to bad rubbish and headed to paradise. Sadly it was a bit of paradise lost when Kenya Moore lost it and got frisky, handsy, desperate and crazy. I don't ever want to hear her telling anyone how they should behave again after she fondled two women's husbands and solicited a concierge for a sperm donation. On twitter she blamed her antics on the "ah ah ah ah alcohol" Girl – there are no words. 

Things pick off where they left off last week with Kim storming out of the restaurant during the pre-Anguilla planning brunch. Kim stomps outside and immediately smacks a camera man, telling him, "get the f–k out of my face!" The camera crew laughs and is like, 'Please bitch, it's called a contract and you signed one!'

This is cue for Kroy Biermann (remember when we all thought he was so nice and sweet and too good for Kim?) to leap from the waiting Escalade – still driving the car Big Poppa bought, I see – and start screaming and threatening the camera crew. Oh Gomer Pyle you're so tuff. You lose your dignity over lady wig and you yell that f-word loud and proud so your mama in Montana can hear. Right. So anyone else so tired of the wigs and cigs hour?

After that the camera man reminds Kroy that Bravo will slap his butt with a lawsuit and that's not the sort of being f–ked he wants to deal with so better get in the car and drive away. 

And with that Wig and Gomer drove off to the townhouse Big Poppa bought and Kim screamed "I'm done!" 

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So last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was filled with Wig People Problems. Oh, wigs were disappearing and telling tall tales and making excuses and dealing with dog poop and storming out and doing some math wrong and disappearing. There were wignanigans all over the place.

And luckily NeNe Leakes was on hand to provide riotous commentary on every last wigantic. And she finally got to use her Wig Be Gone (sold separately, includes S&H) – and poof! Kim Zolciak, her wig collection, and her stories that change as often as said wigs fled in the wake of a Housewives revolt. And we bid her adieu. Will we miss her? Sure. I mean, she is a snark lovers dream!

Other things happened last night, Kenya Moore's crazy got even MORE crazy as she turned her attentions towards another lady's man. Cynthia Bailey tried to pretend that going on vacation with all the ladies of the RHOA was her dream come true. Yeah, but instead of speaker phone invites (the classic!) we got sit down personalized invites. 

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Oh, Real Housewives of Atlanta is not disappointing this season, is it? These ladies decided to bring their A-game, shake things up, and screw with the conventional norms. Behold, NeNe Leakes has suddenly undergone some sort of an Oprah/Iyanla reinvention and is above petty drama and all about peace, love, and miniature people friendships. 

And Cynthia Bailey is now in your face, cutting claws, and getting catty. And who else is switching things up? Why Kandi Burruss! Apparently love brings out her sassy side. 

In addition to all this fuckery we are also forced to contend with Kenya Moore. And Kenya Moore is certifiable. I mean girl, really – you thought reality TV was the best outlet for your mental instability? Or perhaps lady is just really, really trying to score some Academy Award winning acting gigs… 

So let's get this thing started! 

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Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta – and so far, I'm liking things. We checked in with all the housewives, where we learned that the more some people change, the more they stay the same! And we unfortunately met new Housewife, Kenya Moore.

She made a helluva a first impression – I now totally associate Kenya with "coochie crack." Here's how she introduced herself: She yelled "coochie crack" at the top of her lungs about 20 times, then screamed 'SECURITY!' like she was some sort of A-Lister up there with Victoria Beckham. Right, so this one's a live-wire! 

Things begin with the very, very rich Ms. NeNe Leakes, who is channeling Bret Michaels realness with that bandana. Surprisingly Greggalicious is also part of the equation. He's fetching her mail and begging her for some love. My how the tables have turned now that NeNe holds the keys – and the wallet! NeNe is playing coy about rekindling things with Gregg. C'mon – you know these two are meant to be and I sort of love them together. 

NeNe explains that she's also been method acting and exuding her inner Kim Zolciak by practicing trailer living on the set of The New Normal. And our first kapow of the season. I have so missed my NeNeisms. 

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Are they or aren’t they?  It’s the age old question when discussing Real Housewives of Atlanta’s NeNe and Gregg Leakes marriage…or divorce.  Maybe.

Apparently, NeNe declared “I’m divorced” on the Season 4 reunion, but that clip never aired.  It’s no secret that at the end of last season, things weren’t looking very good for the couple.  However, according so some sources, a reconciliation may be in the works for NeNe and Gregg.

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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, all the ladies conducted themselves with dignity and nobody got hurt. Kim finally convinced someone to marry her, and NeNe contemplated leaving Haterville behind for the wilds of Los Angeles – where no one is fake. Nope – not in the least! Oh, and Phaedra announced that her phuneral home was coming soon. Watch out Atlantians – you’re about to be buried with style.

Things begin with Cynthia and Kim meeting each other for lunch. If you said “say what?” you’re not the only one. But apparently, Cyn decided handling things like an adult was better than getting into a screaming match in a church parking lot, so she invited Kim to lunch to work out their differences.

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