Alright so this is a cold day in hell because last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had me feeling sorry for Kyle Richards. I was also Lisa Rinna bellowing across a bar “What happened?!” cause seriously I’d like to know how we got to the hot mess express and threw Kyle under?! Also, I am warning you: I have nothing nice to say about Dorit Kemsley.
The ladies are in NYC for Fashion Week and because Dorit has achieved the meteoric accomplishment of landing the cover of a magazine no one would’ve heard about were it not for Lisa Vanderpump previously landing a cover there. If you recall when LVP had her Bella Magazine party it ignited apology-gate with Eileen Davidson, and after Kyle and Dorit’s disastrous issues last night, it appears to me that Bella Magazine is bad luck for Real Housewives. It is better to be cover-less than covered in bad friendships!
‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.
Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.
Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior.
Ugh – it’s official, Dorit Kemsley is the one with multiple personalities, not Erika. It’s like Dorit’s evil doppelgänger does all these bad behaviors on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then Dorit swoops in with a new hair style and a new accent to pretend she has “absolutely no idea” what anyone is talking about because she, a woman of impeccable etiquette, would never EVER call someone a C-word during dinner, or throw a fit over the wrong wine glass at a party, or be one hour late to a drinks meeting then lie about it.
No, she will throw Casino Royale parties where arrives via helicopter in designer gowns, waving to her people and smiling graciously. Dorit’s idealized self is not communicating with her actual self and we’re having problems here. Big time!
I’m having a total about face when it comes to Dorit Kemsley. Actually, given Dorit’s confusing hair and wardrobe this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, I’d say she’s having a total about face about her own self! Something seems very off with her, and she’s driving everything to hell in a designer handbag!
Dorit lives in a fake prosperous world where she is your fun, eccentric friend doing zany but delightful things. The kind of friend who cosplays Erika Girardi (not Jayne!) and has NO idea how insanely insane she comes across. I think that instead I’ll just focus on Ken gently placing a newborn dog inside his shirt, kangaroo pouch-style, and softly holding it there until the puppy dozed off. It belongs on an Anne Geddes calendar, or in one of Lisa Rinna‘s bubbles of white light, because it was perfection.
Last season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I suspected something was misfiring inside Dorit Kemsley‘s brain because she just didn’t seem to ‘get’ certain things. Now I wonder if the reason she changes her hair so much is because instead of a brain her head is filled with extra pieces of hair. It’s plausible, right? And yes, once again last night was The Dorit Show, and I dunno… Lisa Rinna is a better TV host!
You guys – I am about to make a startling confession and I fully expect to be stoned with carbohydrates and Payless Shoes for this, but I have to do it. So here it goes: I truly believe the Housewife most like myself is Lisa Rinna.
No, I have not secretly written a book on how to suck D (yet! *wink, wink*), but when it comes to getting a tasty piece of gossip or knowing something I shouldn’t, I, like Lipsa, cannot help but blurt it out at inopportune times.
There are so many things you don’t want to learn from a Real Housewife. The list honestly is endless, however, I never thought I’d have to add “blow job tips” to that already overwhelming list. Apparently I do, and it falls right under “money management” and above “drinking habits.” As always: Thanks Lisa Rinna! So that’s just a preview of last night’s raunchy, ribald, and Do-RITNOWSHUTYOURMOUTH’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.
While most of these women are stuck in California with construction, heat waves, and the crushing woes of work, Lipsa and Erika Girardi are headed to Japan where apparently The Daughters Rinna are big-time celebrities. I’m pretty sure Lipsa hired paparazzi and a roving pack of obsessed fans to follow Delilah and Amelia around, but there was a huge crowd to greet them at the airport and an impromptu red carpet, as Lipsa stood idly by babysitting 300 pieces of luggage and being ignored.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone opened up, although some people should’ve kept their mouths closed (ahem Dorit Kemsely). At least Dorit’s son Jagger knows the truth: nearly everyone is a bad guy here. Shockingly, Lisa Rinna wasn’t – she was actually OK last night.
I am so back and forth with Dorit. On the one hand I find her zany and cute; on the other I find her over-bearing and try-hard. Last week I liked her; this week NOPE to her and her phony whack-ccent, and her husband licking a $900 plate clean.