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RHOBH Recap

Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies got wild and out in Ojai. I have to say last night was one of the most fun episodes ever and it makes you think if they all got their panties out of a wad, relaxed, and spoke to each other like normal people instead of obsessing over petty drama they'd all get along and be fun. But alas, that would be too easy and far too mature. 

Things begin with the girls still in Ojai where Brandi Glanville has just dropped the eff-bomb at Buckingham Palace in front of Queen Elizabeth and her corgis. Oh, wait –  no she didn't. She just said it to Adrienne Maloof, but the way these ninnies were acting you'd think this was the most official, classy, elegant prestigious dinner in all the world. I don't know why they were all getting up on their high horses acting like they've never said F-U before when we all know they use it. Right, Splits Richards?

Anyway, Brandi and Kim Richards were doing a big Ojai love-in and pouring their hearts out when Adrienne gets on the intercom with her whiny, donkey voice to announce that someone is crying in Aisle 5 and clean-up is required. Repeat, someone – ahem KIM – is crying!

So Brandi was forced to tell Adrienne to eff off and everyones' heads snapped around like Adrienne just announced that someone was peeing on a Chanel bag. Their mouths dropped, and they glared at Brandi as if she was pee culprit desecrating the holy statue. 

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First of all let me apologize for this beast being so late, but good things come to those who wait, right? Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, boy did we witness some groveling. It was down in the dirt, on your knees, begging kind of groveling as Queen Lisa Vanderpump barely acknowledged her subject's pleas for redemption. 

I should say last night's episode was a study in relationship building and friendship, but also in status. New alliances were drawn, and enemy lines began to be sorted out. Also, the ladies took a trip to Ojai where apparently magic happens. But no amount of magic can make these girls behave in public. 

Things begin with two ladies afflicted by a curse of over botoxing and an unfortunate affinity for ugly blouses facing off in a quaint little restaurant. One lady, a benevolent but stern queen, and the other a marginally disgraced princess who is quivering and anxious with anticipation. Yes, Adrienne Maloof has realized she made enemies with the wrong lady, because while Lisa can be sweet as rosé, she will cut a bitch faster than she'll discard a wilting rose. 

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Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we were treated to a feast of crazy. Newbie Yolanda Foster tells us her biggest problem in life is having too many lemons about her house (she has an orchard of lemon trees), and after last night's dinner party I think  that very well may be the case. Sometimes friendships go sour, and sometimes sour grapes ruin a friendship before it even begins. 

Things begin with Kim Richards getting her youngest daughter Kimberly ready for prom. Kim is breathless with anxiety and is taking out her stress by molesting a vat of chicken salad for 100 while Kimberly gets her hair done. Kim comes out with this bowl that weighs as much as she does and sets it down in the middle of some banquet feast saying she just wants everything to be perfect.

It was literally the chicken salad that ate Kim Richards and she was running her fingers through it, caressing it, just praying on this chicken mess that everything would go perfectly. 

Kimberly's boyfriend shows up and he's 20 to her 16. What?! Maybe they should stay home and eat chicken salad. How exactly did this man meet this teenager and who exactly is condoning this? Well, besides Bravo and Kim, obviously. I'll try not to judge… I have to say I cannot get over how gorgeous Kimberly is and how much she looks like a young Kim. 

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Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies bored us to death and then got crotchety and bitchy at Portia's fourth birthday party. I don't know about you, but I always aim to get my drunk on and cause some trouble near the ring-around-the-faux-unicorn corral. Don't step in the shit, girls! 

Before all that there were Househusbands in heels, some really bizarre timing, and a peace offering tree trunk that landed like deadweight and the fall was heard round the BH. Oh, and stage moms from hell! Weeee!

Watching this show makes me think that the zombie apocalypse will come from fillers and Botox eating the brains of the living and causing us to look like melted wax-faced drones incapable of moving our faces and conveying emotions. Brainless and melty faced, the streets of Beverly Hills will be filled with ladies hobbling around similarly to the way Paul Nassif and Mauricio Umansky did in their heels. 

So things begin with Kyle Richards and Adrienne Maloof spending my yearly paycheck on clothes for Portia. Is $300 the standard budget for a birthday present there or is this just price inflation at work because four-year-olds spill a lot and do not need zillion dollar wardrobes (or birthday parties).

Of course the real reason for this shopping trip had absolutely nothing to do with poor scapegoated Portia; the real reason was so Adrienne could talk about her nemesis, Lisa Vanderpump. Apparently Adrienne is ready to put the past behind her but Lisa is unwilling to forgive, that makes Lisa "childish."

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Dear ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,

Smearing a bunch of concealer on your lips is not cute – it's disturbing. Just as wearing "suntan" pantyhose is not cute. Why do you want to look lip-less? Especially when you've surgically enhanced them already?

I'm beginning to think that Bravo's wealthiest zip code is about to need a MAC Cosmetics intervention. Let's get the stars of RuPaul's Drag Race in there and show these girls how it's done. Adrienne Maloof, Yolanda Foster, and Taylor Armstrong – I am looking at you. 

On the bright note, Splits Richards only wore ONE caftan-y garment last night. That's like some kind of reality TV milestone, right?

Also what think you of the intros. I thought they were all cute, HOWEVER Taylor's about 'working too hard for this zip code' was not appropriate in my opinion. 

So let us begin… Lisa Vanderpump levitates above these ladies like the fabulous beacon of pink glow that she is. She is the goddess of this bunch, like Glenda The Good Witch on Wizard of Oz. And now she has moved to a fabulous new home – far more chic than her old overblown digs. That closet. Her glow-y, plush bedroom. I really wish Lisa would adopt me and then I could throw away all her pink satin blouses embellished by Pandora's bedazzler and we'd be one big happy, wine-sipping family. 

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Last night’s third segment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion began with Taylor, threw in some PamDana, and ended with Kyle and Kim rebuilding their relationship. It was nice to see some real positivity on the show after a season of nonsense and unpredictability. I, for one, hope Kim is able to move forward with peace and positivity.

Things began with Taylor opening up about her gut feeling that foul play may have been involved in Russell‘s death. Perhaps it was. Who knows what to believe at this point. I do know that Camille‘s face when Taylor was talking about this was priceless and amazing and I need a meme of that immediately.

Taylor regales the audience with tales of Russell surveying her in their home, claiming she found a tape recorder under the desk of her office when she was checking the printer. Is she sure the FBI didn’t install those to catch some griftin’ in action? Taylor also describes how Russell made her take a polygraph test to prove she was faithful to him. When she passed, he accused her of knowing how to cheat a polygraph. That, I believe is a very good possibility! Finally, a story of her’s I wholeheartedly believe!

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Tonight is the FINAL (and I hope I mean final) episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ never-ending second season! Don’t worry about missing them, though! Even though we will no longer see the ladies bickering on our TV screens every week, I am most positive we will still be hearing about them in the news. The most exciting part about RHOBH ending is that it now frees my Monday nights up for The Bachelor. Don’t pick Courtney, Ben!

But I digress. Before we let these ladies fade gracefully into sunsets setting behind their palatial mansions, there’s more to discuss concerning Taylor Armstrong and that little book she wrote about her marriage. Now I know there has been much hullabaloo about whether or not Ms. Hughes-Ford-Armstrong-[insert next name here] is telling the truth concerning the domestic abuse that allegedly took place at the hands of former husband Russell Armstrong. Perhaps we are right to question her claims; perhaps not.

Taking heed from Camille Grammer and the internet, the mainstream media is starting to do a little look-see into what they perceive as some inaccuracies in Taylor’s stories. The Daily Beast, which featured a scathing exposé into Russell and Taylor’s grifter behavior this summer, decided to do a little more research on the topic of Taylor and her penchant for dishonesty.

Drawing the most attention to suspicions about Taylor’s alleged claims are Russell’s family and friends; namely his sister Laurie Kelsoe and his childhood friend Randy Edwards.  Russell’s family has claimed Taylor never contacted them following Russell’s passing and that they have not seen Kennedy.

Taylor disputes that. “No one has reached out to me and said, ‘Hey, Taylor is there anything we can do for you and Kennedy? No one from his family has called,” Taylor reveals. “Besides, I am in contact with Russell’s dad. I talk with him every couple of weeks and we’ve sent letters back and forth.” Additionally, Taylor claims her attorney has contacted the mothers of Russell’s two older children because she is putting together photo scrapbooks for each of his sons, “And I kept a suit of their dad’s for each of them to have.”

This past weekend Taylor released a medical document confirming she suffered an eye injury in early June. Taylor asserts the injury to her orbital floor was sustained at the hands of Russell at the Four Seasons hotel after celebrating her birthday. According to Taylor the two were partying and when they came back to the hotel a fight ensued about her cheating on him – which culminated when Russell punched her in the the eye. She says almost immediately afterwards her eye turned turned black. “Booze always exacerbated things,” Taylor admits.

Taylor told Dr. Phil in a televised interview filmed shortly after she filed for divorce and released photos of her injuries to the media, that the injury happened at home, yet she explained to The Daily Beast that it happened at a hotel. When asked to explain the shifting story, Taylor clarified, “I just meant when we got home to the hotel.”

Interestingly, the day after the injury supposedly occurred, on June 12th (where her eye was apparently black, according to what she told Dr. Phil on national television), Taylor was tweeting poolside about the amazing weekend she was having! “@TaylorArmstrong  Now we’re pool side at the 4 seasons and i am thinking of never leaving … i had the BEST birthday party ever! thank you Russell and all my crazy pals who joined in on the mayhem.” So how does Taylor explain this? Russell forced her to make that tweet! According to Taylor, he “sat next to me and told me what to tweet.”

When asked about the black eye she reportedly told Dr. Phil about, Taylor suddenly denies ever having a black eye from that injury. “No, no. I had orbital floor blowout—never a black eye from the punch.” So what of the photos she released to the media featuring a very prominent black eye? “That,” she says, “was a picture taken after her July 5, 2011, reconstructive surgery, which included inserting titanium mesh inside her orbital floor to, literally, keep her eyeball in the socket.” Umm… so those weren’t photos of alleged abuse? Taylor reportedly sold those photos for six figures under the pretense that they stemmed from injuries sustained by Russell.

So, let’s break this down. According to Taylor’s timeline, she had Lasik surgery in early June. She alleges Russell hit her on June 11, 2011 while vacationing with Russell – after a night of partying. On June 12, she was poolside tweeting. June 16th she was in Dallas visiting friends. On June 18th she was filming again, where all her castmates spent time with her. On June 22, she was at the hospital getting images related to her “Trauma and Right Orbital Fracture,” according to the medical records released this past Friday. Afterwards, the RHOBH cast went to Hawaii and Taylor was filmed talking with Dana Wilkey about wanting to leave Russell.  On July 5th she had reconstructive surgery.

In the middle of all of this she was consistently filming for RHOBH and appeared at Lisa’s SUR launch where she claimed (alongside Dr. Sophy) she was “hurt” at the hands of Russell. It was previously reported that filming had to be put on hold for “a month” to let her heal from her wounds; yet during that time period Taylor made numerous appearances in Vegas and Beverly Hills – all of which were photographed.  Additionally, several people saw Taylor the weekend after her eye injury and none noticed any injuries or disconcerting behavior!

Asked about the absence of any eye injury in the countless photographs and during the filming of RHOBH, Taylor claims Russell’s “half-open handed jab had caught his knuckle in her eye socket in such a way as to cause only internal injuries, not external injuries.” She said her injuries were worsened because of the Lasik surgery she had shortly before getting hit.

On June 16, Taylor and Russell visited friends in Dallas. Russell’s friend Jim Philips, his girlfriend Katrina and Randy saw Russell and Taylor that weekend. Granted these are close friends of Russell’s and vested in defending their friend, but both Jim and Randy claim to have an amicable relationship with Taylor. “My girlfriend was with me, and a bunch of people saw her [Taylor], tons of people, there were no bruises,” Randy said. “I’m not saying Russ (was) a saint. I know he wasn’t perfect … but he was not the person Taylor says. She is a liar.”

All three mention Taylor had no complaint about her eye and nothing looked amiss. On June 18, Taylor and Russell were filmed in a limo headed to Kyle Richard‘s White Party, allegedly returning from Vegas (not Dallas), and no injuries were apparent.

In the her memoir, Taylor describes having her jaw dislocated after Russell hit her following a 2011 Superbowl party in Dallas. On last week’s reunion, Taylor described popping it back into place over a toilet in the guest bathroom of a friend’s home, where the couple was staying during the visit. In her book, Taylor recounts “massaging it into place” in bed. No mention of a toilet.

Many are shocked by the allegation that Taylor would suffer from a dislocated jaw and have no visible injuries in the days and weeks following. She also states she did not seek medical attention. Taylor declined to give the names of the friends she was staying with when the dislocation occurred so The Daily Beast could verify her account.

A few days after the dislocation supposedly happened, Taylor and Russell were photographed on the Red Carpet for the Women’s Network of Music Celebration. No bruising or apparent side-effects (swelling, drooling, difficulty talking and smiling) were present, and she was smiling in photos. Photos of Taylor at that event are below.

Taylor is now recanting that her jaw was ever dislocated, saying it was “out of place.”  She claims producers at Bravo asked her change her story! “I mean the ‘dislocated ‘ word—I mean, I think I described it as ‘out of place’ and in the editing they thought it was confusing so they used ‘dislocation.’ There was no medical diagnosis for that. But it really hurt! It was more painful than my eye.” Taylor also denied “exaggerating” the extent of her injuries.

Speaking out in defense of Russell is long-time friend Jim Phillips, who met Russell in college. “I’m the only person who knows all the bodies, all the personalities surrounding Russell … I knew Russ 30 years,” Jim explains. “As he got older he did a much better job of not getting mad. He was volatile in the past and he was always attracted to women of a similar nature.”

Indeed Russell’s past indiscretions with the law and with domestic incivility has been well documented. His ex-wife called the police over Russell’s abusive behavior (although she interestingly also believes Taylor has fabricated many of her allegations) and Russell’s ex-girlfriend filed a restraining order against him. Russell enrolled in treatment and therapy to control his anger, and both women had a good relationship with the man who fathered their children and have spoken out defending him in the press.

Moving on to another person who questions Taylor’s claims, Brandi Glanville took to her Bravo blog to discuss last week’s reunion and give her perspective. As always, we can count on Brandi to tell it like it is!

“I had absolutely no intention of fighting with Taylor,” Brandi insists. “I have tried to stay out of her business this whole season because I thought nothing good could possibly come from her situation. However when she brought up my personal business, which had nothing to do with her, I fought back.”

“I try and do the right and moral thing as often as possible, but I do have a temper and no one is perfect. I have my own opinion on the Russell/Taylor situation, but I have nothing against her personally. I honestly hope that she can find some peace in her life.”

“I think the Richard sisters have a hard time accepting responsibility for their actions. Excuses and placing blame seem to be their answers to most of life’s problems,” Brandi added. “Looking forward to next week where Kim blames all of her problems on me,” she concludes.

And speaking of the Richards sisters, tonight Kim Richards will speak out about her battle with substance abuse and her decision to enter treatment in the third segment of the RHOBH reunion. Kyle will join Kim for a portion of her interview where the two talk being sisters and dealing with difficult situations.  Tonight’s segment will also feature the househusbands and some manufactured drama about Brandi’s supposed sexual interest in Ken Todd. A video clip is below!

The final segment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion airs on Bravo at 9/10c. A preview clip is below!

[Photos Credit: WENN]

IS THERE SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT TAYLOR’S STORY? DOES THE TIMELINE MAKE YOU QUESTION SOME OF HER CLAIMS? IS IT WRONG FOR US TO QUESTION TAYLOR’S ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE?

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I. Love. Brandi Glanville. If Brandi doesn’t return next season, can Bravo please hire her to conduct these reunions, because girl is not afraid to bring it. Last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion was explosive, dishy, and far superior to any reunion I’ve ever seen. I’m giving credit where credit is due, so thank you, Brandi, and thank you also, Camille!

Things start out with Andy recapping Brandi‘s intro into the exclusive social club known as high school students masquerading as adult women. Forty going on fourteen! Brandi dispels rumors that she’s a slut, but wishes she was because sex is fun. Camille confirms Brandi is just joking about her sexual proclivities. The KyTayAdrienne sofa is practically hyperventilating over talk of Brandi’s swimsuits and outlandish jokes. They are, like, the most square sofa in reunion history!

Kyle admits that her behavior towards Brandi was ridiculous and insecure, stating she was afraid of Brandi’s entry into the group because Brandi is hot. Andy demonstrates just how ridiculous and immature Kyle was by bringing up the infamous Game Night. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never looked at Taboo! the same way since!

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