Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap

Last night, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills came back bigger, sparklier, and more expensive than ever. Yes. Just the way I like it – everyone Botoxed to the hilt, in full makeup, and kicking around snarky comments with their $1,000 shoes. If you can’t play the Beverly Hills game, go retire to your divorce condo until you’re ready to barely bat your false eyelashes again (“barely” only because you can’t move your face).

So Lisa Vanderpump is neither forgiving nor forgetful. Lisa likes her people like she likes her dogs: loyal, fluffy, and willing to wear a sequined rosette that says “I belong To Lisa Vanderpump (who makes my life fabulous)!” Have you met Harrison? What about Kyle Richards?


Andy Cohen defends Brandi Glanville over #RHOBH reunion

Lyme Disease, Housen-Mousen, Owning It, Oh my! You know what that means? Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back.

Tonight marks the season 7 premiere of Bravo’s wealthiest and most over-the-top Housewives, and I could not be more excited. Especially after the dark, dreary, and twisted turn last season took, courtesy of one lady, and her lemons, her Lymes, and her lack of love!

To prepare for what’s to come let’s revisit all the highs and lows from season 6!


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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Secrets Revealed was all about friendships, fun, swans, and family – you know, none of the stuff the actual season focused on.

At Villa Rosa the swans are primed for attack by the Most Wanted posters hung in the pond, and the mini horses are being tailed by Rumpy Pumpy who just can’t figure out what to do with these odd creatures, but Lisa Vanderpump knows that if she had to choose between Ken and the horses, Ken would be joining David Foster in Casa de Divorce. #LifeWithoutLyme

Just kidding! Ken is well-aware Lisa would never leave him – although he’s decided to pretend-adore mini horses just in case! After Ken brushes and grooms a mini horse, he trots over to Dr. Ourian’s office so Lisa can get her skin examined for melanoma. Or so Ken thinks… the real plan is to trick Ken into getting Botox!


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion

The final part of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was all about owning the undefinable IT – what that “IT” is, we’re not sure. Lisa Vanderpump was owning no part in offending anyone, or the chicanery behind manipulating others into questioning Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease. Other than Kyle Richards, the only person Lisa deemed worthy was Ken, who, despite pissing all the women off, made no appearance last night. Ken was too busy relaxing in the Villa Rosa gardens amid the splendor of mini horses and Pomeranians. Or, who knows, maybe he was doing gourmet Jello Shots with Mohamed and David! #LifeWithoutLyme

We begin with Lisa explaining why she didn’t open up about her past abuse when Eileen Davidson shared hers. Lisa didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of Ken. Which seems to be a problem; since season 3 Ken has made a habit of attending events with Lisa, acting as a guard dog between her and the other women. It’s a bit silly, and, as Eileen tried to point out (in between Yolanda constantly interrupting), this wall Lisa has up – physically and metaphorically – prevents her from bonding and forming true friendships with the women.


Lisa Vanderpump

Here’s what the women of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills don’t get: We do want a fabulous story – even if it means running over the “dead bodies” of dull Housewives filled with overly-inflated hubrises. If Lisa Vanderpump wants to be the metaphorical “Dexter” of Bravo, then by all means, do. Especially if it means I, as a viewer, get more exposure to diamonds and mini horses, than I do IV fluids and arguments about nothing. This show is supposed to be about glamour, which is why I don’t mind Kyle Richards wearing a ballgown to her BBQ and having it catered by a team of gourmet George Foreman Grill experts. We can get paper plates, hot dogs, and beer in our own backyards!

Eileen Davidson may label it “manipulative” (a word she has uttered so many times I swear someone at Merriam-Webster is paying her to make it a ‘thing’. Or maybe she just learned it and is over-eager to just drop it like it’s hot. It’s not.), but what Eileen fails to comprehend is what the viewers crave and expect from a show ostensibly about the lives of the uber-rich. This is not Unsolved Mysteries – we don’t care about ‘finding the truth’ or uncovering facts. We want glitter and we want it NOW! 


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I never thought I’d say this but the best thing about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was Erika Jayne-Girardi patting the puss. Aside from that it was all journeys all the time from the Yolanda Foster Files, which has more confusing story lines than The X Files (which actually isn’t too much of a stretch in the weirdness department!).

Lisa Vanderpump is wearing battle armor designed by Tom Ford. Initially it sounds like he made it for her, specifically, but then Andy notices Erika was wearing “the shirt version” in her interview talking head. The color looks better on LVP. Not wanting us to forget that she’s chronically ill – for even a moment!!! – Yolanda’s dress resembles bandages and medical gauze. I’m surprised she wasn’t wheeled out on a stretcher with Daisy insisting Glam Squads cause co-infections. Maybe her seat on the couch reclines? 


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale

What an awful Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale! If the ladies sucked up to Yolanda Foster‘s journey any harder, they’d be a two-foot long parasitic tape worm! Colonics – STAT! 

I hate a finales in general. Everyone circles like sharks, lurking for damage control, eager to take down the pre-appointed prey. And to the shark with the sharpest teeth, go the tastiest camera morsels. However, it’s important to remember that sharks are not smart – they are reactionary creatures whose successful existence hinges on their ability to annihilate prey quickly and effectively, which accounts for their survival, basically unchanged after millions of years. This is where Housewives fail. Their takedowns are rarely streamlined, timely, or effective.

Such is the case at Kyle Richards‘ party, held in the house she stole from Kim Richards. What a shocker that Kim is there, holding a sign that reads “Property Of KimKillah.” I believe Brandi Glanville did her hair and makeup. That is the only excuse for the bootleg I Dream Of Jeanie looking Bump-it hair and wandering cat-eye makeup. But at least Kim isn’t smuggling vodka in her iced coffee. Instead, she’s smiling, eager and willing to pretend all the nastiness of Palm Springs pasts never happened.


Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap

Last night, the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills wrapped up their trip to Dubai and Lisa Rinna had an epiphany: she’s not gonna become the collateral damage of two narcissists with queen complexes, also known as Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda Foster. Lipsa has diagnosed and labeled them as “hating each other” (medical name haterificaious bitcheria). There we have it – Lipsa has solved the mystery of whodunnit with the Munchausen in the Kyle Konservatory with the ulterior motive.

Our first clue that nothing is going well – the ladies can’t manage to enjoy 5-star shopping without bitching. Just buy shoes and shhhhhh! In a mall that engulfs the Mall Of America, then spits it out, chewed up and mangled, onto its ice rink, the 5-story mall of Dubai chauffeurs them around from luxury store to luxury store in Bentley golf carts. There goes LVP‘s cardio!

Lipsa wore her walking sneakers, unnecessarily. She had to put them to good use though, because – ugh, comfort shoes! – so she decided to walk all over the friendship of LVP!