RHOC Recap

Vicki Gunvalson all alone

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County, and I’m thinking this is gonna be a very interesting season. 

I’m not a doctor, I just play one while I watch TV, so I really must psychoanalyze Vicki Gunvalson. After years of watching Real Housewives, I fully expect ‘The Crazies’ from these ladies (and yes, I am even waiting on Heather Dubrow to have her moment!), but in the case of Vicki there are obviously some deep roots connected to the Brooks Ayers mess. Unlike the other ladies, I am lucky to observe a respectful distance from Vicki’s crazies, which likely makes me a bit more compassionate.

If Vicki would just be honest – ha! – I think it would go a long way in regaining esteem among her castmates. If she would just be open about how she loved Brooks so much and so hard, that she couldn’t force herself to even consider the truth, and just admit that yes – at some point she did have red flags, but so desperately didn’t want to know so she put on blinders. I believe that then she would be able to begin healing with these women – and the audience.

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Vicki & Brooks - RHOC season 10

Tonight Real Housewives Of Orange County returns for its 11th season – yes, this will mark ELEVEN seasons of Vicki Gunvalson yelling “WOO HOO” and demanding we all go to Andales and whoop it up. Even if we don’t wanna – which obviously we do!  But before we go forward with the future, it’s time to revisit the past – which is all about Brooks Ayers and CancerGate

We spent the entire season chasing down Brooks’ diagnosis (which came back “LIARFACE!”). After Brooks announced his decision to eschew chemo, everyone just wanted Brooks and Vicki to prove emphatically that he had cancer – non-Hodgkin Lymphoma to be exact, instead he did some Earthing and drank smoothies.

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Gretchen Rossi - Season 8 Secrets Revealed

Last night Real Housewives Of Orange County took us behind the scenes of season 8 – you know the last season we were subjected to Gretchen Rossi and Alexis Bellino!

So here’s a run-down of the behind-the-scenes reveals: 

1. The producers lie to everyone. Case in point: Alexis Bellino. Alexis insists she quit; Heather Dubrow and Tamra Judge insist she was fired. At the CUT Fitness party, the opening party for season 8, after Alexis flees following the onslaught from the ladies, she is overheard telling the producers, “This is why I didn’t want to come back!” The producers admitted they worked behind the scenes to convince Alexis to return – including that Vicki Gunvalson would befriend her, and by hiring Lydia McLaughlin

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RHOC Secrets Revealed Recap - What Did Vicki Know?

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County Secrets Revealed centered around their two favorite topics: Brooks Ayers and Butts! (Thankfully not together! Unless you’re counting discussion about what an ass Brooks is). 

Before we get to the assery of Brooks (and later Terry) we must first confront the assery of David. Did you know – he had an affair! During the last reunion Shannon Beador pretended her marriage was amazing and wonderful and more perfect than ever. Except, haha –  3 weeks prior she had learned David was cheating, then he left her, then he came home with his dick tail between his legs, and then he whisked her away on a 17-day romantic vacation. So she wasn’t lying! Sadly when the cameras started rolling again, “reality” set-in. 

Really – honestly – I don’t care what’s happening with Shannon, her vagina, her affair, her husband, her colon, her rectum, because her voice is sounding more like my 90-year-old great aunt’s by the day and that’s scary. 

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RHOC Reunion Part 3 Recap

The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. It’s my version of cleansing.

The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesn’t believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She “covered” for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andy’s dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vicki’s uncannily calm demeanor as being “in a state of shock” over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took. 

The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmonds‘ hair – why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senator’s wife. 

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RHOC Reunion Recap - Briana

What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!

Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs. 

Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue! 

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RHOC Reunion - Season 10, Part 1

As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group. 

And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again. 

Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?

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Tamra Judge Gets Baptized

Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander. 

Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?

Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.

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