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RHOC Recap

Heather & Terry Dubrow Host A Hoedown

Last night Heather Dubrow was in full manners crusader role as she hosted a hoedown ground breaking party for her new mansion in the sky. In case you didn't know, Heather is above everyone else – literally. 

Before all that, the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County continued to bicker and give their varying accounts of "chairgate". When will Bravo stop trying to make "…gate" happen? They should re-title the franchise Real Housewives Gate. Anyway, back to chairgate. UGH. 

Heather complains to Terry that Shannon Beador turned into the Incredible Hulk (it must be all the supplements!), wrenched the chair out from under her and bellowed SHANNON SMASH SOCIALITE! It was frankly alarming to Miss Dubrow – positively frightening. She's really considering therapy for the horrifying injustice she endured. True confession: I tuned out. I think Terry did too. Heather's complaints went on for a while. 

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New girl Lizzie Rovsek

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County all swore they weren't menopausal. In an effort to prove this they all reverted to acting like 10th graders who had ditched their chaperone on the high school field trip! Woo Hoo! Let's be bitches. 

Vicki Gunvalson and Shannon Beador have connected over their mutual crazy and empty love tanks. Shannon knows just how to temporarily fill hers and she's letting Vicki in on her little secret: Dr. Moon! They pay a visit to his office where Vicki gets acupuncture and demands to check her email because "work! work! work!" and relax-schmelax! She asks Dr. Moon when he's gonna fill up her love tank and he stuck his finger up her butt. I kid you not! Shannon said Dr. Moon "de-jammed it". I think I'd rather have an empty love tank… 

Shannon and new bestie Vicki go get their nails done with Tamra Barney. "You need good nails," Vicki instructs. But apparently you don't need good plastic surgery or frizz free hair. Or good boyfriends. Tamra is still harping about this ugly sweater Christmas party and it was like so horrible having to wear a funky polyester themed sweater. My, my has she become snobby! Who does Tamra think she is – Heather Dubrow? Speaking of which, Tamra and Vicki complain about Heather's pretensions and arrogance. Shannon - so happy to have friends and so happy to feel loved and included (finally someone likes her besides vodka!) – decides she too has a problem with how condescending Heather is. I mean there was that one time Heather snickered about Shannon putting diamonds in her teeth. 

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Tamra Danielle RHOC Ugly Sweater Party

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we met newbie Lizzie Rovsek, who definitely proved she's no trophy wife! Other newbie Danielle Gregorio hosted an Ugly Sweater Christmas party, which college kids have been doing since the dawn of Greek civilization. Instead of cranberry Jello shots, Danielle is serving cranberry champagne punch with very expensive 'champs', something that really chaps Heather Dubrow's notion of propriety. She's going to have to send Danielle an instructional guide to Champs, complete with illustrations. 

Tamra Barney is pretty bent out of shape about having to participate in an ugly sweater affair – this coming from the woman who hosted an 80's themed Bunko party. "I'm not really into ugly," Tamra complains. I guess Tamra only supports ugly when it comes to her own ugly personality! 

Skipping the party are Shannon Beador and Vicki Gunvalson who are focusing on their love tanks instead. 

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Heather Dubrow RHOC Episode 3, Season 9

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County relationships exploded! Vicki Gunvalson got iced out by Briana, Heather Dubrow got iced out by the group, and Shannon Beador continued to fight toxins without a licensed therapist.  

We're still at Shannon's dinner party and tensions are running high. I blame Shannon and her non-organic vodka and her totally toxic marriage, despite the efforts of radiation detectors. Where's the detector that detects the bad vibes Shannon radiates?! She's got everyone gripping their knives for protection and wondering when the next onslaught is going to come. At least the food was good – everyone talks about the food – and the house. 

Heather is most on edge of all. Fancy Pants doesn't like the new girl with her shi-shi-shi house giving her a run for her fancy pants money. To assert her crown Heather starts taking it out on the little people. She tells Vicki to hush (which finally, somebody did!) and stop interrupting while Shannon tells her Unhappily Married Support Group opener about how she was the girl who could never be alone and then she married David because well, he said hey! 

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rhoc-recap-shannon-1

So! Shannon Beador. Oh my. On one note she's sort of quirky weird, she's also sort of crazy insane, but at the very least she's very real. She just puts it alllll out there. Whew. 

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon's marital implosion continued. This lady's love tank is filled with cruelty-free diamonds, and non-toxic particalizied air mixed with lavender scented essential oils but not love. 

Things begin in Hawaii where Tamra Barney is trying to be a good friend to Vicki Gunvalson. You can see Tamra struggling, reading the cliffnotes she wrote on her hand about how to be empathetic and encouraging. These human emotion thingies are foreign concepts. Heather Dubrow is nodding and smiling, shooting Tamra reassuring looks that she's being OK. Remember it's like acting, you have to get into character she had coached her before this dinner while Vicki was examining seashells up the beach. 

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rhoc-recap-tamra-vicki-heather

Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County. And my, my… some things have changed. And some things like the delusion that is Vicki Gunvalson remained firmly in tact! At least her face looks better this season. 

Tamra Barney Judge and Eddie are working hard at CUT Fitness and after 8 months in business are breaking even. Good for them! She compares the venture to having a newborn and then mentions that Eddie is five-years-younger than her and the deep sexy voice (debatable) he uses to teach classes gets all the ladies' revved up. It makes Tamra jealous – and insecure about her age. Tamra says she's doing everything she can to look younger. We can tell…. 

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rhoc-cast-s8

The OGs of the Real Housewives line-up are back next week. The Real Housewives of Orange County has had many ups and downs, but last season the ladies thusly represented on the drama front and brought in big ratings!

Everyone's relationships were thrown in a blender as friendships fractured and reconnected. Tamretchen fell apart (like no one saw that coming) and Tamricki was restored to their rightful order as queen bitches. Businesses were opened, weddings were planned, the Dubrow marriage was strained, and Lauri Peterson staged a dramatic comeback! 

The topsy-turvy season began with a brought back from the dead Alexis Bellino who had to go on Xanax to deal with Tamra Barney. Yes, she was so desperate to famewhore she needed psych drugs. While Alexis focused on relevance and opening a tramboppily boob-bouncing for Jesus trampoline park, Tamra opened C.U.T Fitness. 

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rhoc-reunion-recap

Alright let's dive into this whole Real Housewives of Orange County reunion thing! We've got Memory Lapse Monday happening here because Tamra Barney is confusing this season's storyline with one from two years ago. Did her shock therapy malfunction? Yeppers, Gretchen Rossi is back in the hotseat for cheating on her deceased fiancé Jeff with another man. Nevermind that NO ONE CARES CAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR FOUR YEARS, we're rehashing it aaaagain

So with that out of the way let's talk outfits. Gretchen is clearly bringing her little portable Barbie closet she had from childhood to the designer for Alexis Couture and asking for direct reproductions. All of her little girl dreams of sparkles, flounces, and seafoam fantasies are being brought to life. Seriously Gretchen is reliving my youth with that aquamarine number. I especially loved how she matched the side-weave to the one-sleeve. 

Heather Dubrow's hair needs a deep conditioner and a good cut. Even though I'm sure Princess Champs On Ice probably pays $300 for a haircut, it looks like Gretchen played Barbies with Heather's head. Since Heather is the brown-hair Barbie friend Gretchen practiced "beauty school" with her locks. Result: fail. 

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