RHOC Recap

vicki-kelly

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like a community theater acting troupe doing a play about Real Housewives. The costumes were bad, the over-acting was worse, and no one was winning any Emmys, but damn if Tamra Judge wasn’t trying her hardest!

Can we just stop doing this whole Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson will be friends again thing? RHOC is trying so desperately to insist they both care, with all the fake tears and carrying on and hullabaloo over two women so emotionally divorced from each other they can’t even get angry convincingly. David Beador Lydia McLaughlin crawling on the stairs begging Shannon Beador to just. stop? Yep, that is my reaction to yet another episode of will they? Or won’t they? Can Tamicki ever be put back together again?

Vicki Hears a Rumor about Tamra

Someone once told me if you have nothing nice to say; say nothing at all. Well, unfortunately I’m not at liberty to do that – sorry Real Housewives Of Orange County. I have nothing nice to say about any of you, and the thought of holding it all in makes me want to cry like I’m Meghan Edmonds fake-sobbing in a canyon. Maybe Meghan’s tears were instal-dried by the wind or evaporated. Or plastic people make plastic tears which just clog in their tear ducts and until they’re plucked out and thrown away.

Meghan and Vicki Gunvalson aren’t so different, are they? It’s ME ME ME all the TIME TIME TIME. No one understands and blah, blah, blah…

Kelly feuds With Meghan

On last night’s Real Houseiwves Of Orange County we were all shocked when Kelly Dodd flipped her gender-bending shit and called Meghan Edmonds a bad mom because of her shit-stirring. I mean, talk dirty to me indeed, right?!

This is frustrating because Kelly is in the right about Meghan’s behavior but, as always, Kelly’s delivery and her viciousness get the better of her!

The whole thing started off so promisingly – in a baby store. Amid queries about sleigh cribs or modern cages, Kelly joked with Meghan that perhaps she’s “a lesbo” after a drunken kiss with Shannon Beador. Kelly and Meghan guffaw like Kelly ‘s kiss with Shannon is so trendy and cool, instead of waving from the caboose on Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” train. More prescient is how quickly Kelly and Shannon moved from mortal enemies to K-I-S-S-ING. First comes hate, then comes love, then comes Meghan in the middle!

Meghan St. Patty's Day Makeup

A leprechaun on Real Housewives of Orange County finds no luck at the end of his rainbow. Instead he finds Shannon Beador‘s awful green sequined shirt and equally awful marriage, or Vicki Gunvalson seeing green that friendship insurance doesn’t exist, and Tamra Judge‘s judgement!

Tamra is reeling from her ‘argument’ with Peggy Sulahianbecause Tamra feels ‘attacked’ by Peggy. This attacking consisted of Peggy sticking her resting bitch face (or is that just Botox overdose?) into Tamra’s issues with Vicki and suggesting, that perhaps, just perhaps, Tamra should practice what she preaches and move on. In response Tamra decided Peggy could never be her friend. #Adulting

At CUT-A-BITCH Fitness (propel your rage into Booty By Bible!), Tamra is training for a Spartan Race. While wearing a Charo ponytail that is just so naturally how her hair looks, she complains that Peggy is a judgmental bitch who doesn’t understand her deep and meaningful non-relationship with Vicki. Peggy apparently does understand Tamra’s BS, though!

Shannon at Lydia's Magazine Launch

I made sure to wear my eclipse safety glasses while staring at the California sun, so I wouldn’t damage my eyes and miss seeing the drama on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s a good thing too, because Kelly Dodd was wearing scrunchies on her wrists!

Last night was certainly a Me! Me! Me! episode – aren’t they all? – but this one was especially bad! It started with Vicki Gunvlason announcing that Briana’s uterus and Mike’s sperm belong to her! Cause Coto Insurance needs more worker bees to take over the family hive.

Aka, Vicki needs more grandchildren. NOW! NOW! NOW! Her sage advice to Mike is “date to mate,” as in he should only be sleeping with women he plans to reproduce with. Not before they sign a baby-nup, right?! I have a feeling Mike has listened to “Gold Digger” many-a-times and ain’t gonna get stuck with no 18 years. Either that or no woman wants to get stuck with Vicki for the next 18 years!

Vicki Gunvalson

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, enemy factions were forced to come face-to-face for the second coming, actually THIRD coming, of Jim Edmond‘s reproductive prowess. By that I mean that Meghan Edmonds hosted a Sip and See, and decided the theme would be World War III by Bravo: Bitter-er, Blonder, Boozier.

First, though, there had to be a re-connection between Shannon “Poncho” Beador and Kelly “Rejuvenated” Dodd. Yeah, that turned into an everlasting friendship!

Vicki Gunvalson lives in a world in which no one but her equally delusional imaginary friend exists. Vicki’s slip was showing and it certainly was not virginal white as she menacingly promised to make Tamra Judge and Shannon suffer for turning their backs on her, like this is that 90’s Tori Spelling Lifetime movie A Friend To Die For where the unpopular girl takes revenge on the bully cheerleaders. Ugh – if Shannon and Tamra are your aspirational friends, oh dear than you, Vicki, are more screwed up than Brooks led us to believe you were!

Peggy Grabs Meghan's Lips

Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County newbie Peggy Sulahian demonstrated that she doesn’t have to be your mother to be your muva! If you left your manners in the car when you came to her event, Peggy will surely get out the bar of scented soap you sell in your pop-up boutique to wash your mouth out. Peggy certainly taught Meghan Edmonds that children should be seen and not heard! Exactly Meg, just stand there and look all ‘I’ve never had a baby and look at my chessboard inspired dress, cause I’m like smart! And on quest for TRUTH! Justice!”

But first there’s Tamra Judge, who got judged by a parrot that called her “old” as she walked into a restaurant to meet a baby looking like an escapee from a biker bar. How could anyone even see Aspen underneath the giant bow that ate the baby’s face!? I hope that’s not catching…

Vicki & Kelly on RHOC

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, Kelly Dodd underwent a Real Housewives rite of passage and rejuvenated her vagina right on TV! It is a place many a’Housewives have gone before and lived to tell about it… which I guess is a blessing, right?! Also, Vicki Gunvalson‘s devotion to proving she did not fake cancer continued with her cozying up to newbie Peggy Sulahian by promising to be the best darn girlfriend Peggy ever did have.

Shannon Beador is dressing like Carnie Wilson now, but she will not mediate Housewives disputes with cheesecakes. Instead she will go to Tamra Judge‘s house and sip water laced with Pure Calm pills. Tamra promises they create an ethereal zen, like being inside the mind of Dr. Moon as he practices transcendentalism. Despite her avid non-toxicism, the cotillion queen in Shannon admits a cocktail would work better.