Here’s a mystery for you: why, in the middle of all the Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s scenes about scheming and ball removal was there a lovely bucolic montage of the ladies celebrating Easter? Is it because, as Tamra Judge, waxed insanely, they’re all “sisters in Christ.” Yeah, keep telling yourself that, sister.
Anyway, Lydia McLaughlin owns a boat and therefore she will throw a party for her husband’s balls on said boat. Cause “balls voyage” – get it?! Where in sam hell did little miss prissy bible arise at that one?
Before getting on the official party boat, Lydia and Doug, all decked out in their finery, take a cruise around the harbor with a hot skipper. Unlike Gilligan’s Island no one got lost on a three-hour tour, but if they had, they could’ve build a life raft out of Tamra’s earrings and used Meghan Edmonds‘ earrings to phone home!
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County seemed to have a lot going on. Tucked under the little flaps of skin were a million hidden clues, and insinuations, and tepidly it seemed like some pretty interesting shifts were taking place.
For instance, suddenly Tamra Judge is annoyed with Shannon Beador. I say suddenly, but really it’s just that she’s suddenly like perma-annoyed. I get it, obviously – Shannon is a stage five clinger who’s hot glue-gunned to your ass like a sequined bikini in a fitness competition. Anyway, it’s obvious that Tamra is up to something big and she’s not quite aligning herself to anyone, is she? After complaining about Peggy Sulahian, she’s suddenly liking her?! “Peggy’s got balls,” Tamra tells us, smirking.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like a community theater acting troupe doing a play about Real Housewives. The costumes were bad, the over-acting was worse, and no one was winning any Emmys, but damn if Tamra Judge wasn’t trying her hardest!
Can we just stop doing this whole Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson will be friends again thing? RHOC is trying so desperately to insist they both care, with all the fake tears and carrying on and hullabaloo over two women so emotionally divorced from each other they can’t even get angry convincingly. David BeadorLydia McLaughlin crawling on the stairs begging Shannon Beador to just. stop? Yep, that is my reaction to yet another episode of will they? Or won’t they? Can Tamicki ever be put back together again?
Someone once told me if you have nothing nice to say; say nothing at all. Well, unfortunately I’m not at liberty to do that – sorry Real Housewives Of Orange County. I have nothing nice to say about any of you, and the thought of holding it all in makes me want to cry like I’m Meghan Edmonds fake-sobbing in a canyon. Maybe Meghan’s tears were instal-dried by the wind or evaporated. Or plastic people make plastic tears which just clog in their tear ducts and until they’re plucked out and thrown away.
Meghan and Vicki Gunvalson aren’t so different, are they? It’s ME ME ME all the TIME TIME TIME. No one understands and blah, blah, blah…
This is frustrating because Kelly is in the right about Meghan’s behavior but, as always, Kelly’s delivery and her viciousness get the better of her!
The whole thing started off so promisingly – in a baby store. Amid queries about sleigh cribs or modern cages, Kelly joked with Meghan that perhaps she’s “a lesbo” after a drunken kiss with Shannon Beador. Kelly and Meghan guffaw like Kelly ‘s kiss with Shannon is so trendy and cool, instead of waving from the caboose on Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” train. More prescient is how quickly Kelly and Shannon moved from mortal enemies to K-I-S-S-ING. First comes hate, then comes love, then comes Meghan in the middle!
Tamra is reeling from her ‘argument’ with Peggy Sulahian, because Tamra feels ‘attacked’ by Peggy. This attacking consisted of Peggy sticking her resting bitch face (or is that just Botox overdose?) into Tamra’s issues with Vicki and suggesting, that perhaps, just perhaps, Tamra should practice what she preaches and move on. In response Tamra decided Peggy could never be her friend. #Adulting
At CUT-A-BITCH Fitness (propel your rage into Booty By Bible!), Tamra is training for a Spartan Race. While wearing a Charo ponytail that is just so naturally how her hair looks,she complains that Peggy is a judgmental bitch who doesn’t understand her deep and meaningful non-relationship with Vicki. Peggy apparently does understand Tamra’s BS, though!
I made sure to wear my eclipse safety glasses while staring at the California sun, so I wouldn’t damage my eyes and miss seeing the drama on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s a good thing too, because Kelly Dodd was wearing scrunchies on her wrists!
Last night was certainly a Me! Me! Me! episode – aren’t they all? – but this one was especially bad! It started with Vicki Gunvlason announcing that Briana’s uterus and Mike’s sperm belong to her! Cause Coto Insurance needs more worker bees to take over the family hive.
Aka, Vicki needs more grandchildren. NOW! NOW! NOW! Her sage advice to Mike is “date to mate,” as in he should only be sleeping with women he plans to reproduce with. Not before they sign a baby-nup, right?! I have a feeling Mike has listened to “Gold Digger” many-a-times and ain’t gonna get stuck with no 18 years. Either that or no woman wants to get stuck with Vicki for the next 18 years!
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, enemy factions were forced to come face-to-face for the second coming, actually THIRD coming, of Jim Edmond‘s reproductive prowess. By that I mean that Meghan Edmonds hosted a Sip and See, and decided the theme would be World War III by Bravo: Bitter-er, Blonder, Boozier.
Vicki Gunvalsonlives in a world in which no one but her equally delusional imaginary friend exists. Vicki’s slip was showing and it certainly was not virginal white as she menacingly promised to make Tamra Judge and Shannon suffer for turning their backs on her, like this is that 90’s Tori Spelling Lifetime movie A Friend To Die For where the unpopular girl takes revenge on the bully cheerleaders. Ugh – if Shannon and Tamra are your aspirational friends, oh dear than you, Vicki, are more screwed up than Brooks led us to believe you were!