I'm sure the Mexican government is bogged down with the drug war, but they also need to turn their attentions to a more pressing issue: The Battle For Tamra Barney. I predict a full-fledged blonde extensions tearing, botox rearranging, wine bottle throwing, Gretchen Christine Plastic Sack swinging, stiletto stabbing, lip gloss jabbing, boob job deflating battle on next week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Get the popcorn ready!
On last night's episode the ladies remained in Mexico to terrorize the locals. Vicki Gunvalson decided it was high time she reasserted herself as the true BFF of Tamra, so she smuggled her out to a Mexican bar and forced her to woodenly shake her butt on the bar like they were 20. You can just call her Vicki FUNvalson!
Oh ladies… Grannies Gone Wild! Poor Lydia McLauglin, forced into light-up Minnie Mouse ears that were leftovers from a Disney on Ice performance in the area, didn't even look like she was having fun but was putting on a drunk act to fit in.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we were treated to a delightfully classy over-the-hill bachelorette party for one in particular mid-life crisis bride's third wedding.
If that weren't enough Lauri Peterson demonstrated her desperation for relevance by sharing so-called salacious details about Vicki Gunvalson's sex life. I barely made it through last night's episode without throwing up. Thanks for that Bravo.
Things begin with newbie Lydia McLaughlin, in all her wide-eyed optimism, showing up at Tamra Barney's house for some girl talk. Walking into the evil sorceress' cave, Lydia holds her magic fairy dust shield close to her heart and remembers to think positive.
Lydia is just like so impressed and keeps talking about how "classy" and "fancy" Tamra's hostessing is. First of all, the word "classy" and Tamra do not belong in the same sentence.
Things begin with Heather Dubrow strolling into Tamra Barney's hovel, running her finger over a dusty faux finished surface and chirping "This is… nice!" Afterwards she took several showers in Lysol and asked her assistant to burn all the Chanel that sat on the Pier One Imports clearance chairs. 'It was horrible,' she bemoaned to her therapist later that week… 'The napkins… they were POLYESTER!'
Anyway, Heather is there to discuss the Terry issue. See Terry … well, he just sucks but Heather guesses she'll forgive him. Something about seeing Tamra's little house in a subdivision, filled with sub-par finishings, and a pantry that only one person can fit in at a time made Heather see the light. Yes, yes… Terry may be annoying and corny, but good lord she's not on her third marriage to a third wealthy imposter. Looking on the bright side!
Real Housewives of Orange County was full all about actors last night. Except the only person who was legitimately doing any acting was Heather Dubrow. And no – she wasn't acting like a biatch this episode. Oh wait… yes she was but not as part of her real life, but as part of a role she was hired to play. But not for Bravo. AAAAHHH! I'm so confused…
Things begin with a blast from the past. Gold digging expert Lauri Peterson is resurrected to give Tamra Barney a little advice on making marriage number three last. Third times a charm, eh! They meet up at a jewelry store and Lauri looks great. All three of her children are doing well and good for her – hopefully life is going smoothly.
Since Lauri and Tamra were never really friends they resort to talking about someone they have in common: Vicki Gunvalson. Tamra fills Lauri in on how post-divorce Vicki is like soooo delusional and dating a loser. Lauri snickers and chooses this time to remind Tamra about how Vicki broke up her marriage to Simon. That's a great thing to be discussing while you're choosing a wedding ring for your third betrothed. #ManEaters
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, Bravo was serving up some therapeutic realness with a side of binge drinking. They always say alcohol is a truth serum!
Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunvalson had further issues in their friendship and Tamra threw yet another tantrum in public. Before we get to all that, let's shine a spotlight on the Dubrow marital problems.
Here's what you need to know: Heather Dubrow does not feel "supported" by Terry. And Terry is more interested in clipping his toenails than listening to Heather rant in front of her arsenal of Chanel make-up before stomping into her massive closet and slamming the door.
Things begin with Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney meeting Lydia for lunch. Heather and Tamra are just… I dunno… their dynamic is forced to me. Maybe it's because Heather exists with this perma-bemused expression on her face and Tamra is always working too hard to seem acerbic and unaffected. In short – stop putting on airs.
They quiz Lydia on her relationship with Alexis Bellino. Which was the whole purpose of this awkward lunch; to size up Lydia and see if she was worthy of attending to. Lydia was wearing a Pretty, Pretty Princess tiara and giggling about fairy dust and oh yeah like Alexis is like so like super weird and she like changes her story like so much cause like one minute she's crying her fake eyelashes off and leaking tears of silicone over bullying and the next minute she's like a smoking rage-filled plasticine bitch ranting about how she needs to forgive cause like Jesus exists, but we're totally friends! I was confused.
Immediately we are transported to a deep underground tunnel of despair where Tamra is sitting at the head of the table deliberating over can stay and who can go. Lucky Alexis was plucked from group and exiled. Her angel wings spread and her golden halo glowed as she floated above the riff-raff into the parking lot. Gretchen Rossi clapped with glee as if the heathens were being eaten by lions in the Colosseum.
Lydia scampered after her; jumping on Starlite and flying towards the Tunnel of Light. Don't let them rob you of a colorful world! I would have taken off my shoes, hitched up my maxi dress, and ran screaming from that den of horrors up the delivery van loading dock and right into the limo to start guzzling champagne from the bottle.
I'm just going to put this out there – and y'all can slam me in the comments, freak out and call me biased, blow up my inbox with complaints, whatever - but taking a cue from the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County, I'm about to be a megabitch and I don't care. So here it is: I cannot stand Gretchen Rossi. Not for one. more. minute. It feels so good to get that off my chest!
I've often felt that all the Real Housewives, no matter how obnoxious and annoying have some redeeming benefits. For instance, I find Tamra Barney largely repulsive, but she's often funny and when she sets aside her jealousies, she can be a lot of fun.
Vicki Gunvalson is self-absorbed, neurotic, and annoying but she has a good heart underneath it all – we all know this – and she's never afraid to put her crazy out there to be judged and dissected, which I can respect. Alexis Bellino is dumb as a box of Dyeables shoes and equally as tacky, but she's also a nice woman who genuinely seems to care about her friends and family, plus she's always doing something goofball enough to laugh at.