Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting food poisoning at a BBQ thrown by a person you cannot stand, but whose party you have to attend because they’re related to your significant other. Basically it was like all of Shannon Beador‘s Thanksgivings – saddled to David and his dour mother who possibly put Ex-Lax in the cranberries she pretended to make from scratch. But it wasn’t just the food that was poisoned last night – there were all sorts of hellish encounters, and no one’s saintly patience was tested more than Shannon’s! Oh Shannon – can we take you nowhere without an incident or scene? Recounting your Housewives history, the answer, thankfully, is NO!
There is probably no one who loves a Real Housewives “dinner from hell” more than I do. In fact, I quit throwing dinner parties because mine are never terrible enough. It’s probably because I don’t have enough psychic friends, or frenemies who despise each other, or friends going through terrible personal dramas they want to talk about on TV, but refuse to let anyone else discuss. No one has ever thrown a plate full of steak at me either. Maybe I should just give up dinner altogether. I should also probably avoid my friends’ children’s birthday parties because they’re just the usual kids running around and eating too much cake. No middle-aged women argue, storm off, or have histrionic meltdowns over semantics.
Shannon Beador is on a rampage and she is savagely ripping the meat from the bones of Real Housewives Of Orange County. Any housewife who dares try to get in Shannon’s way better come prepared with white gloves to treat her fragile ego, and proper cutlery to carve though the drama. Shannon has bared her soul, her heart, and now her midriff on this show and she has worked too hard recapturing David to watch it all get flushed down the toilet sitting in her relationship corner, dammit!
And yes, there’s a toilet in Shannon’s relationship corner according to her Feng Shui expert! I think that’s Vicki Gunvalson‘s fault though. After all, Vicki put Shannon’s relationship in the crapper with her lies about David. Now all Shannon’s relationships are draining away (even the relationships she hasn’t formed yet). Shannon’s relationship with vodka seems in tact, though.
Washing up on the shores of the California beaches, amid the shells and driftwood, is the rubble of last season’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. Littering the sands with shards of shattered friendships, filthy accusations, and broken down dignities; a bent halo, some empty vodka and champs bottles, and Shannon Beador‘s former self, now soaked and waterlogged by the hours of tears she’s spilled over the terrible lies Vicki Gunvalson told. The fate of the world, and the Orange County coastline — along with the safety and health of Briana’s children – all rests in Vicki’s handbag! Thankfully she’s not crazy or anything…
So the taglines: let’s start there. What makes Tamra Judge “highly prized”? Or was she just proud of herself for coming up with a rhyme. Hook’d on Phonics worked for her! Vicki’s tagline informs us that she’s not going home, but what she means is that this show is her home, and you are not going to drop any interloping houses on her head! She clicked her ruby slippers together three times and dragged Briana from the land of tornadoes to get here.
So, before we get into the all-new drama, let’s take a trip down memory lane to relive all the craziness from season 11. Maybe a tequila will help refresh things?! And season 11 was full of crashes and burns (literally), boozes and burns (literally), and plenty of rides from hell.
The season opened with Vicki all by herself, and seeking absolution after lying – in some capacity – about what she knew about Brooks Ayers‘ phony cancer scheme. Obviously no one wants to forgive Vicki because it doesn’t seem possible that she totally didn’t realize he was faking a terminal illness for money and attention.
Anybody… well damn, too bad! Shannon and David did a vow renewal, and none of us understand how emotional, loving, caring, amazing David was ’cause the cameras didn’t show it. Only Vicki Gunvalson understands! See, she and Donn did this lil’ thing called a vow renewal, but 15 minutes later, they were divorced and Brooks Ayers had infiltrated the Coto. Empty Love Tank will drive you into the arms of the wrong love.
Happy Election Day. Or is it unhappy? What’s more distressing: The 2016 presidential election, or a Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion? I can’t choose who won or lost the debates that happened on Bravo’s biggest stage last night, moderated by Andy Cohen, who believes in hard-hitting journalism – like how did Tamra Judge achieve such a great ass?!
So, I might kinda love Kelly Dodd. Throw me under the bus in Ireland – I don’t care.
Sure, Kelly is crazy and shoots her mouth off, but really – Tamra never met an F-bomb or a crass comment she didn’t like, and Shannon Beador willingly admits being friends with a woman whose “trademark thing” is going around accusing people of “sucking d–k for money,” so what I’m saying is that the high horse bucked y’all off, and told you to get in the donkey pen with the other asses.
Vicki does reprehensible things and doesn’t understand that they’re reprehensible. She also can’t apologize for hurting people’s feelings. Briana is right about that. Yet, for all Briana’s parenting of her mother, Vicki refuses to see the reality that people don’t forget things you’ve said or done because you give them a good whoop it up or two. Vicki’s version of friendships are as deep as one night stands. Although I honestly don’t know that I would be offering sincere apologies to any of these biatches either. Do any of them really deserve one? Truly?
I imagine that Tamra Judge, Heather Dubrow, and Shannon Beador see themselves as victorious after last night’s episode – they have triumphed in the face of evil, stood in solidarity, and exorcised the devil. Yeah, except, not cause the devil is inside.
Kelly Dodd‘s motto is, “If you’re not first, you’re last.” Well, there ya go. Poor Meghan only lost by association. I cannot believe four so-called adult women were behaving so Jerry Springer and then jumping through hoops trying to deny, deflect, and justify their actions. It was nonstop sifting through everyone lying while pointing fingers at other people’s lies. Yep, I’m looking at you TamraJudge, ShannonBeador, and ESPECIALLY Vicki Gunvalson!