What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange Countyreunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!
Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs.
Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue!
As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group.
And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again.
Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?
Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander.
Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?
Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.
The ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange Countyshould just become Sister Wives married to Brooks Ayers. Literally all they do is talk about him! Obsessed is putting it mildly. Unfortunately, Jesus is also being dragged into this. Save yourself Jesus, let “Saton” have the others.
According to Vicki Gunvalson, Satan (pronounced as “Saton”, which rhymes with Louis Vuitton) has infiltrated Coto and its surrounding enclaves (and Shannon Beador‘s anal cavity) to create confusion. Vicki say: Saton loves confusion! Saton say Real Housewives confused about being good friend. Yes, Saton is writing his own misfortune cookies now.
Let’s get this started! Briana is visiting, and since Brooks has been shipped off to a Motel 6 (or Jeana Keogh‘s abandoned storage shed), Briana, Ryan, and their sons are staying at Vicki’s. Home is where the heart is… unless Brooks is on the premises.
On last night’s episode of “I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One On TV,” Meghan King Edmonds continued to probe deep into Brooks Ayers. Summing up Real Housewives Of Orange County: Brooks may be lying about cancer, which makes it OK for Meghan to lie by impersonating a cancer patient and calling his doctors. Basically, the type of doctors these two need ain’t treating cancer, but psychosis!
Just to put this out there, since I’m NOT a doctor (nor do I pretend to be), I’ll reserve judgement on diagnosing Brooks. I’ll stick to what I am qualified to do: diagnosing the ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County as crazy!
Brooks and Vicki Gunvalson finally visit a doctor. If you were expecting an oncologist – think again! Instead, accompanied by the bootleg copy of Yolanda “Lemons Cure” Foster earthing woman, they met with an eastern-meets-western physician to “rebuild” Brooks’s immune system.
Back at Shannon’s Aries party, Tamra Judge is spitting mad that Vicki is allowing Brooks to call her a liar and a backstabber. The unladylike doth protests too much!
Tamra believes Vicki is so influenced by Brooks (and his lies) she may be turning into Brooks! Shannon is hard-pressed to believe that the never, ever dim-witted Vicki could be bamboozled by a con man, so possibly, just possibly, she knows Brooks is faking cancer but is going along with it. Even Tamra can’t believe that – or at least that’s what Tamra is telling the cameras because the only time Tamra has Vicki’s back is when she’s stabbing it!
Confusing times on Real Housewives Of Orange County!Brooks makes me suspicious, yet Meghan Edmonds makes me equally suspicious. Whose motive is weirder?! I love a mystery – Veronica Mars is my favorite show, but Meghan makes amateur private investigators everywhere look psycho.
Brooks Ayers is a professional liar, smooth as snake oil and slathering it on Vicki Gunvalson as the serum of youth. Meghan is a two-bit phony, but she has two luxuries: Time and Vendetta (and internet access). This will not end well.
Things begin with Meghan meeting Heather Dubrow and Shannon for dinner. Everyone gets along now because Shannon saw the light that Meghan is always right (AKA, get along well enough to talk ish about Vicki).
Can we stop talking about cancer? Obviously it’s terrible, but does an entire season of Real Housewives really need to be devoted to questioning it, discussing it, and arguing over who is the expert on it. Especially when ME-ME-ME-Meghan, the person most vociferously insisting she’s the so-called expert can’t even figure out how to make MINUTE RICE!! (This same person then brags that a meal containing Minute Rice is healthy. Oh honey… have you learned nothing from Vicki: cancer loves processed food!).