Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was about starting over, with new friends, new introspection, new babies, and new directions for the marriage that cut out the cancerous tumor and got brand spankin’ new cells! David officially decided that he really, really re-loves Shannon Beador for real this time and planned a surprise re-wedding. It was all very nice and lovely.
The marital travails of Shannon and Daviddo beg the question: Can one completely ignore the past and acquire a new beginning? Is it possible to start afresh with brand new red bottoms, unsullied from scuffing along sidewalks trailing behind your husband’s secret life? Like a facelift, can all the old sagging skin of our former misery be lifted up into a permanent smile; a renewed face to face a renewed future?
Well hot damn was that an exciting episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County! Satan is confusing, and so too is Kelly Dodd. My head is still spinning from all the crazy, but I think it may be one of my favorite episodes ever. SO much happened that it was like watching Real Housewives as guest-directed by Quentin Tarantino.
One thing we have definitely learned in our many years observing Housewives in their native environments is that slightly unhinged women do not mix with tables and prostitution whores. Also “mother” and “not a prostitute” are mutually exclusive. No, Kelly didn’t flip a table, but she did flip an entire coven of Housewives and Housewives associates on their heads with expletive-laden, name calling the likes of which Heather Dubrow(who was ironically wearing leopard in a subtle homage to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, I imagine (intentional or ironic!?)) has never heard!
Yeah, I don’t care how much Kelly Dodd annoys the bejesus out of me (and probably Tamra Judge‘s sculpted patootie), Shannon Beador set her up at her 70’s partaaay. Which was not necessarily OK. And it was, well, ugly. Honestly, I think most of us, the Real Housewives Of Orange County ladies included, are gonna pretend Shannon is innocent on the principal of their dislike for Kelly, but the double-teaming of Jaci and Nina, three boobs, and a bull dozer, are all too coincidental.
And you know what they say: If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck – it’s probably a Real Housewife training for a fitness competition and practicing in her lucite stripper heels!
Kelly is a hot wreck of insane annoyingness. Girl, you have got to dial that down to at least 11! She’s just … TOO MUCH. When Kelly drinks holy – can she not reign it in! Shannon was totally twatty to Kelly, but Kelly had a raging case of the Saturday night ferocious when she massively over-reacted to two gossipy bitches talking garbage and Shannon’s projecting. Or who knows – maybe Kelly does have something to hide? WHOOOO are you, Kelly Dodd? Do I really want to know?
So everyone is stranded at Kelly Dodd‘s house – which consists of 4 stories of bars and Bansky-esque decor, and is littered with bizarrely behaving bitches in the form of Real Housewives. It was like Alice In Wonderland meets the color white. Off with your head, but first: a spot of vodka for your very unfriendly chat.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was oddly medicinal. Is Bravo opening a medical trauma center? The last thing we need on this show are MORE health dramas. Leave people’s bodies alone, Bravo! I don’t want to see any journeys that involve doctors, unless of course one of these broads is married to a doctor and he’s doing wonky and weird and very money making doctoring.
That sounds gross and extremely serial killer, but just watch Botched and you’ll get the gist. When people weren’t ill last night, they were moving, or preparing to move, or crying over their spiritual wellness while holding a dumbbell. It was issues galore on RHOC!
So things begin with Vicki Guvnalson in OK to move Briana back to OC. They pile the car with Briana’s kids for a 19 hour drive, and leave Ryan to tie up all the loose ends of their windswept McMansion on the Prairie life there.
Last night someone on Real Housewives Of Orange County was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Of course that’s not surprising. At. All. But what is surprising is that Kelly Dodd claims it was her husband Michael, former COO of a massive company, who was the afflicted. Are we sure Kelly didn’t misread something? After all, she isVicki GunvlasonJr. – and we know how Vicki happens to misread medical documents!
Oh last night was a doozy. Everyone is on a yacht with Vicki fauxpologizing to Heather Dubrow about her presumed role in the Brooks assumed cancer scam. Obviously this conversation went on and on, but we got like 4 disjointed snippets of Vicktim pretending she has no idea why the women are angry with her after she admitted to seeing “red flags” but reacted by yelling, “Buy my cancer juice! Love my boyfriend! I Do! I DO! I DO! I DO! Oh wait – there’s no altar, but I do see a cross! I’m persecuted like Jesus! WOO HOO!”
I’m not a doctor, I just play one while I watch TV, so I really must psychoanalyze Vicki Gunvalson. After years of watching Real Housewives, I fully expect ‘The Crazies’ from these ladies (and yes, I am even waiting on Heather Dubrow to have her moment!), but in the case of Vicki there are obviously some deep roots connected to the Brooks Ayers mess.Unlike the other ladies, I am lucky to observe a respectful distance from Vicki’s crazies, which likely makes me a bit more compassionate.
If Vicki would just be honest – ha! – I think it would go a long way in regaining esteem among her castmates. If she would just be open about how she loved Brooks so much and so hard, that she couldn’t force herself to even consider the truth, and just admit that yes – at some point she did have red flags, but so desperately didn’t want to know so she put on blinders. I believe that then she would be able to begin healing with these women – and the audience.