Things begin with Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney meeting Lydia for lunch. Heather and Tamra are just… I dunno… their dynamic is forced to me. Maybe it's because Heather exists with this perma-bemused expression on her face and Tamra is always working too hard to seem acerbic and unaffected. In short – stop putting on airs.
They quiz Lydia on her relationship with Alexis Bellino. Which was the whole purpose of this awkward lunch; to size up Lydia and see if she was worthy of attending to. Lydia was wearing a Pretty, Pretty Princess tiara and giggling about fairy dust and oh yeah like Alexis is like so like super weird and she like changes her story like so much cause like one minute she's crying her fake eyelashes off and leaking tears of silicone over bullying and the next minute she's like a smoking rage-filled plasticine bitch ranting about how she needs to forgive cause like Jesus exists, but we're totally friends! I was confused.
Immediately we are transported to a deep underground tunnel of despair where Tamra is sitting at the head of the table deliberating over can stay and who can go. Lucky Alexis was plucked from group and exiled. Her angel wings spread and her golden halo glowed as she floated above the riff-raff into the parking lot. Gretchen Rossi clapped with glee as if the heathens were being eaten by lions in the Colosseum.
Lydia scampered after her; jumping on Starlite and flying towards the Tunnel of Light. Don't let them rob you of a colorful world! I would have taken off my shoes, hitched up my maxi dress, and ran screaming from that den of horrors up the delivery van loading dock and right into the limo to start guzzling champagne from the bottle.
I'm just going to put this out there – and y'all can slam me in the comments, freak out and call me biased, blow up my inbox with complaints, whatever - but taking a cue from the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County, I'm about to be a megabitch and I don't care. So here it is: I cannot stand Gretchen Rossi. Not for one. more. minute. It feels so good to get that off my chest!
I've often felt that all the Real Housewives, no matter how obnoxious and annoying have some redeeming benefits. For instance, I find Tamra Barney largely repulsive, but she's often funny and when she sets aside her jealousies, she can be a lot of fun.
Vicki Gunvalson is self-absorbed, neurotic, and annoying but she has a good heart underneath it all – we all know this – and she's never afraid to put her crazy out there to be judged and dissected, which I can respect. Alexis Bellino is dumb as a box of Dyeables shoes and equally as tacky, but she's also a nice woman who genuinely seems to care about her friends and family, plus she's always doing something goofball enough to laugh at.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County we met new girl Lydia McLaughlin. Lydia's kinda like Rainbow Bright on acid, isn't she? She also sort of looks like a Bratz doll. She was bringing all my 1990's childhood cartoon flashbacks to life with her little squeakerton voice and her goofball expressions. Whatever – I fully expect her to go SheRah Princess of Power on these bitches before the season's over. Watch it blondies!
Things begin, oh where did they begin? With all the bad dye jobs and bad plastic surgery blurring together sometimes I lose track of where things even started. And speaking of plastic surgery things began with Vicki Gunvalson and Alexis Bellino. She and Vicki are BFF now since everyone hates their significant others and what better way is there to bond, I s'pose? I mean it worked for Alexis and Gretchen Rossi for two seasons, so Vicki picked up where Gretchen participated in a gang intervention. And girls who share plastic surgeons together, stay together!
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County bad behavior along with Vicki Gunvalson's swollen face and insane hair continued to haunt us. She got allll that work done on her face and she couldn't throw in a keratin treatment to deep condition that straw weave she had attached to her head? Dyed-N-Fried.
With all the renovations and double-dealing and lies and dastardly deeds and attention seeking manipulation plots she was accused of, Vicki didn't have time to get her nose done AND her hair. To think all this time I thought she was just a neurotic insurance salesperson. No rest for the wicked, eh?
We resume at Heather Dubrow's glambake. Heather instructs Tamra Barney on how to eat a lobster. Of course since Tamra is saltier than lobster brine she has to make a sex joke out of Heather's instructions when she says to bite on the lobster leg until it "comes in your mouth." Tamra brays across the table like a donkey with a bullhorn about how FANCY PANTS MADE A SEX JOKE. Why doesn't she just wear a sign that says: 'I'm desperate for attention and have no manners!'
Discreetly Heather crosses Tamra's name off the future invites list. Vicki may look like a mutant person with the face of Bride of Frankenstein but at least she talks quietly and uses inside voices at Heather's!
So Vicki Gunvalson has a new mantra – she's renovating, renovating, renovating! Renovating herself, her house, her attitude, her entire face! After seven long seasons she's grown weary of being called Miss Piggy and she's grown weary of being the butt of a zillion jokes. She tossed Brooks Ayers to the curb with a sack full of Hallmark cards and hightailed it Dr. Niccole's office where she got a nose job, some fat injections, and a chin implant. Chinplat 2.0! It's pretty hard to tell what she's going to look like as she's in the settling in phases, which means she looks a little shiny and wonky and lopsided, but um… I'll withhold judgment for now.
I will not withhold judgment over Vicki's eyelashes. What were those things? Pipe cleaners? Spider legs? They were the worse false lashes I've ever seen. They must be from the Gretchen Christine Bootay Collection.
Vicki shares that Briana and her husband Ryan have moved in and any day now Vicki will become a grandmother. To prepare for all the changes she has her assistant over to play some kind of drinking game that involves moving furniture while chugging wine. Every time you bang the sofa into the wall you drink or something. ahahahahah! New nose, new living room, same old wino!
Sometimes you see things on TV that are straight up embarrassing. Case in point: The ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County on last night’s reunion. I may just go ahead on record and call this the most vitriolic reunion ever. Am I crazy?
Some things should be kept private – or at least off camera – but never underestimate the power of a desperate and delusional blonde!
Tmara Barney and Gretchen Rossi continued their reign as the over-the-hill trainwreck Barbies – and both their weaves had to come from the Barbie Comes To Life Wig Collection, sold exclusively in the Sunday morning coupon section of your local newspaper.
I assumed Heather Dubrow was brought on to inject a dose of class into this mess? Mission failed.
Reunions often descend into a contest of who is the worst of the bunch. And this one was no exception. When the level of vitriol reaches the extreme harpy stage – it’s time to recast. We’re waiting, Andy Cohen…
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County no one redeemed themselves or came across as a grown woman. Does it ever happen that way? Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Barney are took their Over-The-Hill Barbie act on the road and switched hair for the day. I think Tamra got her wig from the Dolly Parton synthetic collection on QVC. They also wore the same color dress. Was it an act of solidarity?
Whomever did Tamra‘s make up should be fired, because she looked 55 trying to look 45. Not cute.
Also, what was up with Heather Dubrow‘s eyebrows? Girl, the botox needs to stop and don’t try to play it off as a tweezer malfunction. We know you had unsupervised alone time with Terry’s botox collection after a couple glasses of wine. Besides, don’t rich girls wax, not tweeze?
I also have to comment on Heather‘s country music star circa 1994 hair. This is a good lesson – do not let Gretchen style your hair, ladies! Or choose your dress.