Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!
Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.
Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth. Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!
Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…
So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?
Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?
Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.
Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!
Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.
Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!
Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.
Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor…. Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.
Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.
Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.
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If you think we are done discussing the asinine bowling alley fight from last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, we aren’t. And if you think that Heather Dubrowis ever going to live down her comments that the Orange County dining scene is not to her liking (too many carbs, maybe?), you’re wrong about that, too.
Heather has dared the viewers to give her better suggestions, and then she’ll eat anything you ask: “With YOUR help, I intend to seek out and review local restaurants in an attempt to find the little gems that we have here that I have not been introduced to. SHOW ME. Then, I will eat CROW… or pig’s feet, tripe, sweetbreads or whatever it is the restaurant specializes in.”
Heather insists Sarah Winchester wasn’t even supposed to be there. In her blog, she writes, “First of all: for the record I did not invite Sarah to the party.”
That’s probably true. The producers invited Sarah, who probably thought she would bring more to the table. I get the impression the producers are trying to make this show younger since the whole “cougar” trend is kinda done. Anyway, Sarah did go, got totally trashed and followed Vicki Gunvalson around. Vicki needs to take a lesson from Camille Grammar and go hide in the bathroom in these moments.
In Heather’s words:
Sarah puts a nuclear hit on the evening! She is yelling at Vicki for NO reason and then is hugely delusional about how she approached her. I tried to diffuse the situation . She wouldn’t listen to me or her boyfriend or Gretchen. This girl is nuts. I may need to screen Gretchen’s friends for her! She is too nice to be friends with such a “wackadoodle” as G would say!
I thought Vicki handled it very well. Sarah couldn’t let it go. She was on a hamster wheel going round and round and round.
Heather thinks Sarah has issues, ending her discussion about her with this: “I hope this opens Sarah’s eyes to the fact that she obviously has a problem. She needs to seek professional help.” Embarrassing yourself on television isn’t yet recognized by the DSM, but maybe Sarah can start.
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Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.
Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.
Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).
Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?
One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.
Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.
Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.
Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.
Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!
Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?
Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.
Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.
And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.
At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.
Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.
Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.
He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.
Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.
Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!
Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.
And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.
Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.
Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!
I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!
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Gretchen Rossi is still desperately trying to convince people that she had nothing to do with leaking stories to the tabloids about Bravo manipulating co-star Tamra Barney‘s engagement. This week, Gretchen is saying Tamra merely jumped to conclusions and hurt her feelings by assuming she would sell a friend out.
“Obviously it hurts me that she immediately jumped to conclusions and made assumptions that I had something to do with it. I mean bottom line is the article actually says sources close to Gretchen it doesn’t say Gretchen said,” Gretchen tells 365Voice.
“It made me sad and it hurts me that she fired back that quick. And it was hard to hear her say that I was jealous of her thing because I’ve been nothing more than happy and supportive of her engagement.”
However, based on their less than cordial relationship in seasons’ past, Gretchen understands why Tamra was so quick to call a spade a spade react. “Tamra and I have had a very crazy past and I don’t blame her for reacting out of pain and hurt and jumping to conclusions,” she explains. “I texted her right away and I called right away and I let her know that this is ridiculous and that is not at all the truth. It seems as if by the end of the day she started to realize that and she kind of changed her tune on her twitter.”
Although, the Real Housewives of Orange County stars are not totally stable yet. Of course… “I think that unfortunately it’s going to take a few days for us to all kind of calm down from it and you know feel better about this whole situation. It’s really unfortunate because I really come to really enjoy my friendship with Tamra.”
Is anyone believing this friendship is actually legit? I mean, evidenced by the fact that Tamra so readily believed Gretchen responsible for talking to the tabloids, it’s pretty obvious this was a reality television stunt. Amirite?
Gretchen all but confirms that the friendship was inspired by ratings when she discusses the positive fan reaction to the ladies’ newfound friendship. “It’s really funny because it’s been such a great reaction from the audience, the audience has been so supportive and so happy about it and in reality Tamra and I have been very happy about it too,” Gretchen shares.
“Let me just say this for the record I’ve always liked Tamra I never had a problem with Tamra, she was always the one who had an issue with me. So I always from day one thought that she was a good friend of mine and I thought that she was really fun and I had a great time with her and you know, she kind of attacked me about things she didn’t have any knowledge about.”
Gretchen also continues to have issues with Vicki Gunvalson and promises that won’t be changing anytime soon! “Is she somebody that I respect and that I value and that I think is adding value to my life at this time? Not really,” Gretchen says of her feelings about Vicki.
“It’s disappointing to me that she continues to talk about things she doesn’t know about and I thought maybe she learned her lesson you know the first round and sees that everyone’s telling her she’s a hypocrite and she shouldn’t be talking about things she doesn’t know but then she goes right back on Watch What Happens Live and says that about something she doesn’t know again,” Gretchen fumes.
Gretchen also blames Vicki for the infamous Bunco fight. “I like to be a very upbeat person and I don’t really enjoy confrontation and I really have always tried to be empowering to other women and other cast members,” Gretchen believes. “If you actually look at who I’ve been the last two years on the show I’m never just talking crap about these women for no good reason.”
Moving on, Gretchen insists she doesn’t even want to be married yet because Bravo hasn’t offered her and Slave a spin off! “I’m in a different place in my life than Tamra is and you’ll see it unfold this season on the show that I’m not necessarily ready to be married yet,” Gretchen confesses.
And finally, Alexis Bellino and hubby Jim recently had a glamorous photoshoot for their family. A pic from that shoot is below!
Tonight is an all-new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County! The ladies get together for a muddy marathon for charity and Tamra’s divorce is finalized, causing some emotions she wasn’t prepared for! Also, Briana’s diagnosis is revealed and Alexis unveils her new nose! See a preview of the new episode below.
Real Housewives of Orange County airs tonight on Bravo at 9/10c.
THOUGHTS ON GRETCHEN’S INTERVIEW – IS SHE JEALOUS OF TAMRA’S ENGAGEMENT? IS THEIR FRIENDSHIP LEGIT OR FOR RATINGS?
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