Last night Real Housewives Of Dallas had their first (and I dunno – something in me is saying ‘only’ reunion) – and it was pretty bizarre.
The major story was Cary Deuber, who all season seemed rational, together, and way too smart for all the drama, but wound up having a straight nervous breakdown on stage over the rumors LeeAnne Locken spread about her marriage beginning with an affair. LeeAnne may not do “hurt,” but Cary does and she openly sobbed a ton.
Also randomly, throughout the entire reunion LeeAnne would morph into ‘My Carny Story’ mode and just start fake tearing up about her haunted past and all the other BS she routinely uses to try and get away with her crap. Andy was rolling his eyes and was visibly exhausted by her (as was everyone else – here, there, and everywhere!). I guess she needed Rich, The Carny Whisperer, to tone her down and stop her “story” about the hurt little girl who farts glitter from going into auto-repeat. The record is skipping, RICH!
Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Shockingly we weren’t subjected to a charity event where LeeAnne Locken berated everyone for not knowing their place in the Dallas Charity Scene. Instead Stephanie Hollman and her husband Travis threw an adult kegger-rager to celebrate the Byron Nelson PGA golf tournament being literally in their backyard – which is coincidentally also the Four Seasons.
Only rich people would pay a zillion dollars to regularly have random men strolling through their backyard hitting balls and swinging clubs near their bedroom window, right?!
The party planing consists of Travis micromanaging Stephanie and constantly reminding her that it’s her responsibility to pick up dog poop. Forcing Stephanie to constantly deal with poop is a pretty good euphemism for their marriage because Travis constantly treats Stephanie like poop! Honestly next time he hands her a list and a pooper-scooper, she should just rip it up and snap, “Don’t bring that shit into my house” (ala her cutting comment to LeeAnne in Austin).
Only on Real Housewives could a lake house turn out to be a palatial mansion, and a trip to the Four Seasons be all your worst high school nightmares. On last night’s Real Housewives of Dallas, the ladies traveled to Austin for a birthday weekend only to end up the subject of their own horror story – narrated by LeeAnne Locken, of course! Is LeeAnne the new Danielle Staub, or what?!
Stephanie has apprehensions that Brandi Redmond blindly followed her Lord Jesus Juice when she invited LeeAnne and Tiffany Hendra to their lake house. Stephanie and Brandi’s husbands built the house together, so their families co-own it. I think Brandi and Stephanie are cute. I love their genuine friendship and that their families are so close. Also, Stephanie grows on me weekly – she’s far from ditzy, but instead is insightful and holds her words until she’s thought through what she wants to say.
Travis‘ birthday is the most important day of the year next to Jesus’ birthday. In fact, Travis is like the second son born in the miracle manger. At least according to Stephanie. (And Travis.) Therefore this warrants a lavish, over-the-top affair in which Stephanie proves that importance that is Travis’ ego, so she decides to throw a a Gatsby-themed party to celebrate the living incarnate of holiness on earth. With Stephanie in charge, Travis is practically pooping his pants that he may end up with a party at Bounce It Out! where Brandi and Stephanie slurp Jesus Juice through booze googles while dry humping the slide.
Who is Heidi F–king Dillon and why am I supposed to be excited to see her? Because, so far, the only thing exciting about her is how absolutely ridiculously seriously she takes herself by dressing like T. Payne one minute and a Stevie Nicks impersonator the next. I was excited about Fritos though. Because as the ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas reminded us, who doesn’t love Fritos?!
The episode was not all Heidi F–king Dillon and LeeAnne Locken looking incredibly pleased as punch that Heidi decided to enact a raging vendetta against Cary Deuber for no apparent reason. (Is she jealous of Cary’s yogi-ness?!) Brandi Redmond is dealing with a family tragedy – her brother returned from active duty in Afghanistan and is battling with some serious PTSD. Despite his family’s best efforts to get him help, he ended up trying to take his own life by overdosing. Brandi confides inStephanie Hollman, who is shocked, but obviously supportive. With Brandi and Bryan having major issues, Brandi values her friendship with Stephanie more than ever.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas needed a Prozac.Brandi Redmond is down in the dumps because her marriage is basically a jar of Ragu Marinara she can’t open. All she wants is some drama-free spaghetti. Instead, she’s stuck begging, over speakerphone, for permission for her love to open the door to Bryan’s heart.
Also, LeeAnne Locken just straight-up exhausts me! She’s the type of person who demands total reconnaissance of your time as her soul soldier. Once you’re in a relationship with LeeAnne, it’s your responsibility to make up for all the tragedies of her childhood. Tiffany Hendra is in it so deep, she doesn’t even know how to come up for air, look around, and realize holy hell – I’m out here in Antarctica, where everything is as frozen as my Botoxed-face. LeeAnne is just SO MUCH WORK.
While Stephanie bursts into tears, Tiffany Hendra chases LeeAnne out the door. Something tells me Tiffany is always running after LeeAnne to talk her down from the edge…. Tiffany needs a new co-dependence partner. Keith Suburban not dramatic enough for her?
At Brandi Redmond‘s house, it is no surprise that her morning begins with poop. Dog poop, specifically, from the dog who has a name which isn’t “..butt.” They also have a rabbit. Apparently Brandi’s mom is running around Texas randomly collecting animals and dispensing them on her doorstep just to annoy Brandi‘s husband, Bryan. The only prerequisite is the animal must be snow white, (and incontinent?).