RHONJ Recap

Teresa Vs. Jacqueline

As someone who has written about the exploits and shenanigans of Real Housewives for many moons, Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the only show which leaves me emotionally exhausted.

On one level, it’s a nod to their ability to remain raw in front of the cameras, years after years of doom and gloom fighting. However, on the other side, their lack of self-awareness means season after season after season someone – Teresa Giudice, usually – is gonna be accused of a maelstrom of denial that the other ladies have no idea they are also wallowing in. So sometimes you need 5 Xanax – maybe 10! – to get through it.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion

Last night Real Housewives Of New Jersey got in the wayback machine to travel back in time to give new spins on the same old past. They covered all the classics: Kim D, Posche Fashion Shows (1, 2, & 3), Danielle Staub, Strippergate, Ashlee Holmes, Teresa Giudice‘s fraud case, The Manzo family feud, The Gorgadice family feud, and whose hubby is cheating on whom.

I think Siggy Flicker cried once or twice. Just for some variety.

I don’t know if someone put fire ants in Tereas’s Spanx, or what, but she was on a tear last night. She was right back in the season four reunion, anger brimming over and making a big mess. She certainly let her zen slip, didn’t she?

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Teresa

In honor of Halloween, last night’s finale of Real Housewives Of New Jersey was like a twisted fairy tale of modern evil, the moral being that sometimes the wrong witch gets pushed into an oven, while the other escapes on foot through the forest hoping the evil doesn’t catch up with her.

Siggy Flicker tried to reunify the group, but lunch didn’t even get served before the ladies were fleeing the coop in various states of undress. Only on Bravo do ‘ladies who lunch’ turn into ladies of the night who run Louboutin-less through a parking lot, stalking like zombies after the brainless one who got away. And over the railroad tracks to Jacqueline Laurita‘s asylum they go!

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Dolores hosts a Housewarming Party

Last night was the pre-finale for Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Since Jacqueline Laurita had laryngitis, she let Milinia do all the talking for her. Finally because at least Milania’s outbursts make a lot more sense! A silent Jacq is still deadly though… thank be the powers of the smart phone put into dumb hands.

Oh that Milania, I don’t care – I love her. Teresa Giudice acknowledges that Milania is not adjusting well to Juicy being “away.” And why should she? On Juicy’s first day in the slammer, Joe, Melissa Gorga, and the kids come over with sprinkle cookies Chinese food to check in on Teresa and the girls. They find Milania mouthing off all kinds of projecting, and Teresa is in a tailspin.

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Juicy Goes To Prison

Last night Real Housewives Of New Jersey lost one of its greatest assets when Joe Giudice left for prison. Just think – all it took for the Gorgadices to mend their family feud was for Juicy to get incarcerated!

The episode begins counting down the days before Joe goes “away” for 41 months. No one feels it as deeply as Teresa Giudice, who tries to make each moment count with special activities for the girls to bond with their dad. First is a little Magnolia Bakery plug to decorate cupcakes for the birthdays Joe will miss while locked up. Also, there was glitter and we know Teresa has never been able to turn her back on an errant piece of glitter.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Siggy Flicker may be Real Housewives Of New Jersey‘s resident (self-appointed) relationship expert, but I’m questioning her sanity and her advice. I mean for all this tawk about soldiers, she’s sure turned into one of Jacqueline Laurita‘s right quick! Jacqueline’s bite is just as scary as her bark, so I get it.

As Dolores Catania warns, Siggy better stop throwing salami and provolone into the pen because when she runs out the Jacqocerous is going to get very angry and chomp her hand.

Honestly, Dolores is far more capable as a relationship expert when it comes to the chaos of Jersey than Siggy.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Last night was the dramatic conclusion of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey trip to Vermont. What started as a half-hearted placebo of a cast trip which no one was really thrilled to be attending, turned into attack of the abominable Sno-Housewife roaring her icy accusations into everyone’s chicken wing salad. I don’t know that I was entertained, per se, but there were lots of twists and turns on the bobsled ride to hell and back!

Being around Jacqueline Laruita must be so exhausting. Like trying to chart tornado paths. Honestly – I’d rather just go hide in the bomb cellar, cause with Jacqueline you never know if you’re going to get Glinda the Good Witch or her sister, and no sparkly shoes are worth all that drama.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap Vermont

To Vermont we go! To Vermont we go… You can take the girls out of Jersey but you can’t take the Real Housewives Of New Jersey out of the girls! Even if you put them in big giant snow boots and plain old terry cloth bathrobes. Last night also signified the return of Kim D (for Desperate!), which in my book is always a good thing! Run on with the big boys, Kim, run on!

Melissa Gorga has lofty ideas to turn the trip to Vermont into one last relaxing weekend for Teresa Giudice before Joe goes to prison and Teresa becomes a single mom. Melissa even invited Teresa’s close friends Robyn and Christina. Unfortunately, Teresa’s girls weekend is beset by problems from the get-go. Two of those problems are named Kathy Wakile and Rosie Pieri.

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