It makes me feel warm inside that despite all the cast changes, Real Housewives Of New Jersey hasn’t given up the sleaze factor. I’m not sure if they reached a new low last night or not, but whatever – it keeps us on our toes right?!
The big drama is that Victoria Gotti, mentoress in all things badly-behaving criminal husband to our beloved Teresa Giudice, showed up and oh boy did she have some secrets stashed under that Barbie weave. (Kim D collection, y’all! Actually Kim gets her weaves from the VG Collection – real hair, scalped by the finest Italian mobsters in all the land!)
It turns out that Victoria has known Rino, husband of one Teressssssssssssa Aprea for quite some time. It turns out Rino used to have a thing for Victoria. It turns out Rino has a thing for older ladies of a certain Mrs. Robinson persuasion. More on that later…
So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people).
Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.
Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.
Last night things got really, really, really Jerry Springer on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like more so than table flips and husbands brawling and terrorizing fashion shows thrown by stripmall ’boutiques’.
Nicole Napolitano is teaming up with boyfriend Bobby to throw a First Responder themed costume party under the guise of raising awareness for the cause. They aren’t soliciting donations because, let’s face it – everyone on this show is broke! I mean Joe Gorga even tells us his wife Melissa Gorga is living in a delusional fantasy world that they have money. Here she is crashing Bentleys like they can afford the car in the first place, let alone the repairs! Personally I think Melis crashed that Bentley when she was pulling a getaway with some clothes from last week’s shopping trip with twins. But Joe tells us this happens all the time - what exactly is she fleeing from? The truth? It must be the paparazzi – she’s on display, guys!
Melissa is frustrated because Amber Marchese‘s gossiping about Nicole put her in an awkward situation and naturally she had to tell Nicole. Melissa doesn’t understand when Amber got so uppity – they used to be best party buds but now Amber is acting high and mighty! Melissa blames Amber’s husband.
Melissa Gorga, behind-the-scenes s#*!-stirrer and perpetual wannabe victim, tackled the double-trouble twins with some gossip and found that Teresa Giudice isn’t the only person who flips-the-f-out!
Before all that, Joe and Melissa embark upon a new career – one they’re suited for! Joe bought a big ol’ garbage truck and announced they’re in the garbage business. At first I thought he meant they ARE the garbage business, which of course, but they are for real compacting garbage. This type of garbage is a truck specifically designed to incinerate important papers. And if Juicy or Chris Laurita‘s “paperwork” are any indication – I say that truck is going to be doing a lot of business! Also now they can finally “smoosh” all evidence of Melissa’s past – like the Lookers! paychecks!
It’s nice to know that no matter how many seasons of Real Housewives of New Jersey we have, some things will remain the same. Teresa Giudice will always be delusional, Melissa Gorga will always be pretending to be someone she’s not (i.e. rich), and the fashions will always be an abomination that is almost unbelievable!
While Teresa is in denial about potentially going to prison – and perhaps if you’re headed to prison the only way to get through is to be in denial – she’s planning for Christmas with her daughters. I will say, and I may regret saying this, Teresa seems much more humbled, sincere, and real this season.
All the Jersians are preparing for Christmas in their own way: Dina Manzo has to put the tree outside because her hairless cat Botox is afraid of it or something. Maybe seeing his reflection in the shiny ornaments was traumatizing. Lexi is waiting for college admissions letters, but has her heart set only on NYU. Dina encourages her to throw a rock over a bridge and let go of preconceived notions of destiny. #ZenByBravo Dina needs to stop getting her life tips from old episodes of Dr. Phil.
We open with Melissa Gorgawatching the news of Teresa and Joe heading to court to plead guilty to a 41-count federal indictment for a staggering number of financial frauds. Melissa, proving she’s no more an actress than a pop star, pretends to be shocked and worried for Teresa. Melissa vows to be there for Teresa.
She calls her on the phone where Teresa is stirring a pot of colored water on the stove because the script read ‘pretend to cook ingredientzes’. Melissa expresses her concern and Teresa says they haven’t pled to anything yet, while Gia sits there with tears filling her eyes. I am really sad to see that reports were true and Teresa will indeed be filming how the legal situation affects her daughters.
Are yous ready for this? Real Housewives of New Jersey is ba-ack this Sunday. Before we dive into the new New Jersey, let’s rehash last season so we’re all prepared. Undoubtedly the theme for season five was Love & Fight. The cast made amends and broke up every other episode!
We were promised a season of family reunification but it was really more of the same old family crucification. The cast took their battling, bickering, and brawling all across the USA since Juicy was banned from international travel via his bail agreement #FlightRisk, where they attempted to mend fences with therapists, magic pony rides, and “truthing” exercises. And it all came crashing down again when they took a little venture to The Land of Posche.
In the end, we ended up right back where we started, but at least Bravo fired some people and a new cast might bring new dramas. Here’s hoping! Oh – and Teresa Giudice got indicted, so that’s also something new.