The new Teresa Giudice goes on vacation with one bag. The same old Melissa Gorga goes on vacation with five bags. Or maybe Melissa has become the old Teresa? I honestly can’t remember – a 1000 images of squealing, sequined suitcases swirl before me and blend together into one obnoxious monokini fashion show of Housewives in Hotels. Maybe I need an appointment with Dr. Siggy?
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey we officially bid “Arrivederci” to Bravo’s bankrupt and brokedown version of Lucy and Ethel, because Teresa Giudice finally told Jacqueline Laurita to take her prosciutto and shove it! She has her own Thankyouverymuch. Or maybe it was the other way around? Oh, and Juicy will be rolley-bagging his homemade wine all the way home!
Things started off on the right foot, at least, with nobody having envy over anybody else. Well, maybe Melissa Gorga envies Poison, ’cause now that she’s a business owner/mom she has to do double the work while STILL listening to him complain. At least the Gorgadices are stepping in the right direction, though! Melissa even invites Teresa and Milania to watch her three kids walk in New York Fashion Week.
Poison Gorga seems to be confused both about which century he’s living in and that his life is not a 1980’s movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. You guys, men with sprayed on muscles DO NOT take care of their own children – they are not babysitters!
Teresa is out of prison, and from this point forward everything must go in a new direction. Say “new direction” fast and it sounds like “nude erection,” which encompassed about 3/4 of the things Teresa learned from “camp.” The other thing was not to be slutty with your your John Hancock. So, yeah, about those leopards and their spots…
Last night the Christmas spirt came to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, and also a New Year brought a new attitude, and Teresa Giudice was giving out her forgiveness wrapped in tissue-filled boxes and tied with a prison-issued bow. Too bad that forgiveness felt as natural as an ingrown toenail.
Of course, in the land that Teresa built on fraud and false promises, it is not Jesus’ birthday we’re celebrating, but the day she came back to life by being released from prison. Jacqueline Laurita, who sooooo does not care about Teresa AT ALL, is watching the news coverage with tears in her eyes. Jacqueline apparently needed Dolores Catania and a bouquet of flowers to deal with these emotions. Jacqueline’s tears turned sour at the paparazzi snaps of Teresa being rewarded for surviving prison with a BRAND NEW LEXUS (said in Bob Barker’s voice)! Is there a bumper sticker that says, “Mommy went to prison and all we got was this luxury SUV.”
Who I did not enjoy seeing was Jacqueline Laurita, who is still crazy after all these years. Also, Poison just had to show off his little poison spewer and just no. Still no. Always no. Forever no. Like Melissa Gorga has to be married to him and enjoy his many splendored little thing, but the rest of us, we didn’t take those vows to honor and cherish anything about him.
Also, Melissa has new hair that is quite short and blonde. Interesting.