Last night Hurricane Jim hit the shores of Florida (well Boca anyway) and he destroyed all Real Housewives Of New Jersey stars in his wake. Teresa Giudice must have had advance notice that dirty secrets were going to be strewn far and wide which is why she stayed home to color pitchurs, mispronounce her own last name, and respond to texes.
Things started out innocently enough. The Florida division of the RHONJ ladies went swampin’ in their most appropriate of appropriate boat shoes: high heels. Those twins – they sure know how to work a look. #sarcasm On the gator farm, Dina Manzo meets her future pet soulmate: a tailless baby alligator whom she smuggles into her purse and clutches for zen-renity (zen serenity) throughout the night’s escapades.
It is well known that Dina is psychic she feels something is about to rock this boat. And Dina has a little inkling its last name is “Marchese” and it has to do with this little secret she was tasked with guarding and protecting. As the group was about to find out, the gators were the least dangerous thing they were to encounter in Florida.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New Jersey headed to Florida, where things were all scary murky foreshadowing and things that go bump in the night – before next week when the ghosts jump out and attack!
Melissa Gorga is euphoric because she left her four children at home in the care of eldest Joe Gorga, who resents babysitting and is just letting the younger kids smack each other and eat junk food while he threatens to break the internet like it was Juicy’s face (we all saw how successful he was at that last season!). Meanwhile mama is getting sauced up under the Florida sun and flaunting what the good doctor gave her. Of course Dina Manzo planned the trip to Boca, where everyone is 80 (or how old Dina acts) and the house looks like something out of “Miami Vice” according to Teresssssa Aprea. She’s used to that – Don Johnson is clearly Rino’s fashion inspiration.
Then Teresa and Gia have a heart-to-heart about Teresa’s life. Poor Gia – always the counselor, never the child. Teresa needs to remember Gia isn’t her peer. After Gia gets dropped off (I hope Teresa dropped her off at school and not at the Fashion Design business where she used to work (#DontTellMomTheBabySittersDead. #InsideJoke #GetIt #90s). And then Teresa tells Audriana, aged 4, how nice and amazing and smart, and a good listener her mom Gia is. Teresa is so glad they’re friends!
Since Amber has had The Cancer she’s become The Religious, and now considers herself the Mother Teresa in drag makeup of RHONJ. She and Jim go to church on Ash Wednesday and all of the sudden she receives The Vision and has to run outside to call Teresa. Right. Now. to check in on her. Teresa is in the gym and doesn’t want to tawk. She certainly doesn’t want to tawk about her legal issues but Amber’s questions are more probing than Rino’s prostate exam (see below!).
After praying to God, Teresa Giudice put on her best purple fur coat, forced husband Joe to color-coordinate in a show of solidarity and admitted that you know, maaaaaaaybe, ok posssssssilby, well actually definitely she bought too many sequined bikinis with money illegally obtained. But it’s like Oops - lots of people do this – lots of people commit mortgage fraud so they can have big fancy re-done house showy-offy parties for houses they can’t afford, so why is this happening to her?! WHY?! Why is the government making Gia cry by demanding her parents go to court and possibly jail. Like UGH. But Teresa being Teresa, she just buries her head in a vat of sequins and covers her eyes with her hairline, and drinks another glass of Fabellini.
With all of that said and done, Melissa Gorga and Dina Manzo feel sorry for Teresa that she’s under so much stress so they decide to plan a vacation to Florida. Like hey, you broke the law – let’s celebrate!
It makes me feel warm inside that despite all the cast changes, Real Housewives Of New Jersey hasn’t given up the sleaze factor. I’m not sure if they reached a new low last night or not, but whatever – it keeps us on our toes right?!
The big drama is that Victoria Gotti, mentoress in all things badly-behaving criminal husband to our beloved Teresa Giudice, showed up and oh boy did she have some secrets stashed under that Barbie weave. (Kim D collection, y’all! Actually Kim gets her weaves from the VG Collection – real hair, scalped by the finest Italian mobsters in all the land!)
It turns out that Victoria has known Rino, husband of one Teressssssssssssa Aprea for quite some time. It turns out Rino used to have a thing for Victoria. It turns out Rino has a thing for older ladies of a certain Mrs. Robinson persuasion. More on that later…
So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people).
Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.
Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.
Last night things got really, really, really Jerry Springer on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like more so than table flips and husbands brawling and terrorizing fashion shows thrown by stripmall ’boutiques’.
Nicole Napolitano is teaming up with boyfriend Bobby to throw a First Responder themed costume party under the guise of raising awareness for the cause. They aren’t soliciting donations because, let’s face it – everyone on this show is broke! I mean Joe Gorga even tells us his wife Melissa Gorga is living in a delusional fantasy world that they have money. Here she is crashing Bentleys like they can afford the car in the first place, let alone the repairs! Personally I think Melis crashed that Bentley when she was pulling a getaway with some clothes from last week’s shopping trip with twins. But Joe tells us this happens all the time - what exactly is she fleeing from? The truth? It must be the paparazzi – she’s on display, guys!
Melissa is frustrated because Amber Marchese‘s gossiping about Nicole put her in an awkward situation and naturally she had to tell Nicole. Melissa doesn’t understand when Amber got so uppity – they used to be best party buds but now Amber is acting high and mighty! Melissa blames Amber’s husband.