Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!”
We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!
I finally figured what Sonja Morgan and Aviva Drescher like about each other – they’re both totally and utterly delusional! And they reinforce each other’s delusions. Seriously – was there a psychiatrist waiting in the wings of the Real Housewives of New York reunion?
Kristen Taekman got new boobs. As an anniversary present. Is this like a thing now – getting new boobs for the reunion? Ladies – the suddenly ballooning mummeries does not distract us from the drama.
Of course, almost immediately Kristen and Aviva are at each other’s throats over all of their arguments this season; specifically the time Aviva told Kristen to “Shut the f–k up” in front of their kids. Aviva does not apologize. At all. In fact she denounces Kristen as a “rookie” (I see someone has been rehearsing their insults in the mirror again!) and dismisses the whole things perfectly fine and normal. I mean kids hear the f-word. No biggie. I mean it’s just a word.
I’m sure Aviva Drescher is trying to take credit for it, but it was less about a leg being thrown across Le Cirque (seriously was this not the scene from a David Foster Wallace novel, or what?!) and more about the reactions of the other ladies – specifically LuAnn de Lesseps who literally burst into uncontrollable laughter and couldn’t stop.
Before all of that we have to dismantle the curious case of who got hairy with Harry. Sonja Morgan is reclining in bed, surrounded by interns of a frightened nature, one leg is propped on her pillow – tonight’s episode is clearly full of leg drama. Ramona Singer comes over to see her “Sonja-Bonja” which really is the most apt nickname ever. Sonja Bonja. Say ‘Bonja’ out loud and then laugh cause we all know Sonja likes to bone ya! I digress…
Ramona has Kristen Taekman with her because now that Aviva has outed herself as full-scale allergic to sanity, they need a tagalong to pour their wine. Pinot and Commando are adopting, y’all! Hide your impressionable youngish 30-something quarter-life crisis friends.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York we celebrated the contrast between good and evil as if that isn’t the perpetual theme of these shows.
Carole Radziwill is turning 50 and wants to celebrate with an over-the-top party in the theme of Good vs. Evil, or basically Ramona and Aviva vs. Carole. Carole enlists her bestie Heather Thomson to plan it but her list of demands is staggering. Things Carole wants for her birthday party: butterflies, chandeliers from her house hung up at the restaurant, headless mannequins, a snake charmer, shiny red apples, a psychic (are we sure she doesn’t mean a psychiatrist?), fire breathing dragons with angels on their wings, 30 dozen white rose petals, the 12 horsemen of the apocalypse, three french hens, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh and 6 well behaved Housewives, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen!
Heather decides to just be in charge of the booze and hires a party planner stat.
Last night our ladies of the Empire State were finally back where they belonged – in Manhattan! Despite the calming days in Montana, a key Real Housewives of New York friendship is seeming to detonate!
Much like Survivor, these ladies are stranded on an island and forced into alliances. But Sonja Morgan is switching up the game. While interviewing a new intern in her backyard (which we so do not care about in the least), she’s wearing a fabulous military-inspired dress and preparing for friendship warfare. Into the garden wanders Aviva Drescher. Long time no see – and not missed!
Sonja immediately lobs a grenade – the entire trip all the girls were talking about Aviva (They were?) – but worst of all was Ramona Singer who accused Aviva of lying about asthma because she is afraid to travel without Reid.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of New York continued to glamp in the muck of Montana. The country air doesn't seem to be doing much to restore their constitutions, but it does seem to be causing them a great, aggrieved case of boredom. I have no idea how long they were stranded out there – alone, in luxury cabins, without butlers and forced to clear their own breakfast dishes – but one thing is for sure: Kristen Taekman is a horrible hostess!
It seems that Kristen can't do anything right. She can't make the air conditioner cool enough to quell Ramona Singer's hot flashes. She can't find someone to fillSonja Morgan's bed – and Sonja has resorted to wearing underwear. She can't get Heather Thomson to take her seriously or care what she thinks. And worst of the worst of the worst of all – she can't get anyone to Geocache!
Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies continued to terrorize Montana like a plague. The beautiful surroundings of wild Montana shrank beneath the force of their bickering, bad behavior, and crying orgasms. And Cowboy Paul stroked his gun lovingly and thought, thank goodness I've got this to protect me in the apocalypse.
In the luxury accommodations, Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Do Me are bored and suffering from cabin fever. Carole Radziwill is suffering from being too long in the asylum – serves her right for trying to observe crazies in their native environment. To assuage her boredom Sonja Morgan invites the sexy (and very young) ranch hand over to clean out the kitchen while she swans around in a negligee swatting at him with a toilet brush. I am positive she molested him by the seductive light of the fridge. Carole lost her breakfast.
Sonja is bitter that they'll be spending another night at the ranch instead of out in the town sizing up the locals – there could be hot and swarthy cowboys ready for a Mrs. Robinson adventure with a big city gal. Sonja apparently thinks Reese Weather-spoon is out there, just waiting to have fun. Instead Kristen Taekman has planned a chef to come and make dinner for the girls. Sonja is over personal chefs – she does this everyday! With what budget? I wasn't aware that Groupon offered this?
Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies headed to the wild, wild west in Montana. Kristen Taekman organized the trip and like the over-eager rookie she is, she expected everyone to be jumping with glee at the prospect of spending a week at a dude ranch far, far away from any actual dudes. Now you know Sonja T. Morgan was going through withdrawal something terrible – something that even a pair of cotton granny panties couldn't cure.
Before the ladies left Aviva Drescherdecided she needed a little attention. Because you know – Meviva. Aviva had suddenly came down with a rampant case of asthma. She's allergic to horses, and hay, and long plane rides with women she does not like, and best-selling books, and being away from Saint Reid, savoir of upper east side princesses with daddy issues. Clearly Aviva is not allergic to asses – I mean she's able to be around George.