Things begin with another birthday – this time the birthday belongs to Dorinda Medley, who is turning 50. She wants to celebrate by returning Ramona to a place of torment and doom: The BERKSHIRES. Ramona gets the sniffles and can’t breathe. She fans herself. Her thumbs twitch as she texts her friend with the private plane to be on retainer. Just kidding – Ramona actually has a cold, but that’s not gonna stop her from going on a date. Ramona’s tissues bring all the boys to the yard! And they’re like her germs are better than mine!
What is happening with Sonja Morgan? Remember when she was the zany, lovable, yet refreshingly sensible one from her first season? Remember when she was THE VOICE OF REASON on Scary Island? Clearly Kelly Bensimon sent Sonja a care package of some gummy bears and Al Sharpton posters because Sonja has left the building – quick someone grab a snatch guard!
The ladies of Real Housewives Of New York are supposed to be headed to Atlantic City by way of Le Crumbles Magnificique Abode, where the interns reign supreme and the heat is emitted only from the bank of toaster ovens plugged into the wall in what was formerly the maid’s quarters, but has electricity that runs from the neighbor’s mansion. Sonja wanted the girls to meet at her home to board a party-limo to AC for Ramona Singer‘s Suddenly Single Birthday Bash, but she’s late and leaves them all outside – in very in-climate weather.
Heather Thomson, Kristen Taekman, and Dorinda Medley arrived – on time – but Sonja was lost in the abyss of her thrice re-Sharpied Chanels and her twice-re-superglued Oscars figuring out what to pack and wouldn’t let the girls in – even to wait in the vestibule! Seriously – she had an intern open the door, then promptly shut it in their faces, because Lady Morgan wasn’t ready to accept guests. An intern can’t entertain them with magic tricks while Sonja packs!? I hear Sno-Cone can juggle and make tea simultaneously!
The true story of Real Housewives Of New York is not what’s happening on the episode, but what’s happening on twitter while the episode is airing. Things have gone from A to F–ked with Luann de Lesseps and Carole Radziwill slamming each other something l0w-down dirty and arguing over the proclivities and scheduling conflicts of a thirty-something boy. They’re like two mommies in a custody dispute. Ladies – it’s embarrassing.
Basically Carole started dating Luann’s nieces ex-boyfriend, but didn’t tell Luann because she’s scared of what Lu will think. Even though Carole claims the niece and the fling broke up over a year ago. Interesting. Before all that cockamamie nonsense, we have to get to Sonja Morgan‘s cockamamie nonsense – and she doesn’t swallow unless its for a Black Card (or a pinot).
Also, let’s get one thing clear – Bethenny didn’t want to host brunch to show off her Hamptons home (and really how could she being homeless and all) she wanted to show off her Skinnygirl collection.
It all begins at Luann de Lesseps‘ cozy Hamptons abode, the girls are clustered around the living room, drinking coffee and gossiping as real girlfriends do, also leisurely braiding Carole Cradziwill‘s toe hair (EWWW – isn’t that what Cindy Barshop is for – don’t you get the Real Housewives Federation Association discount on all waxations from here until the end of time – if you can manage to find your way out to Quogue.).
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New York hit the Hamptons, where the very homeless Bethenny Frankel invited everyone over to her house for brunch only to be told by Ramona Singer that brunch was her jurisdiction and no one wants to eat out of the Skinnygirl trashcan parked in the alley behind Bethenny’s summer home. Home is where the heart isn’t!
Everyone was in the Hamptons for Luann de Lesseps‘ yardsale and to see her new home, which is fabulous, cozy, elegant, sophisticated – it definitely seems like Lu! And it has the added benefit of containing a live-in hottie mcjr chef whom Carole Radziwill, in her tomato red pants turned beet red over, as she flirted shamelessly. She was laying on the single and ready to mingle vibes thicker than a beefsteak tomato paired with mozzarella.
Heather Thomson and Carole escorted Lu to her yardsale, where eager fans were snapping pics of the Countess’ used linens and other finery. Luann looked like she was trying to hold it all together, as she ended up reneging on a couple pieces and purchasing them herself. In the middle of the auction in waltzed Ramona who was staying at her own Hamptons home with Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan.
Bethenny Frankel has come back home to Real Housewives Of New York, except she’s homeless. Are we even sure she lives in New York City at this point, or does she just live in the scaffolding of her own hubris? Delusionally elevating her to the heights of such paragons as Bill Gates and Oprah, whom Bethenny clarifies would not change their underwear in the back of a town car. Clearly, Bethenny doesn’t really know Oprah. Oprah so would! Martha Stewart on the other hand, she would never be so disorganized as to let the prickly fibers of a polyester seatbelt touch her vagi-steamed nether-regions.
It’s clear right from the start Bethenny has an agenda on RHONY: to hawk Bethenny products and be the living incarnate of her Skinnygirl brand, but also to regain fan support by selling her old standby woe-is-me victim yarn. This time about her divorce and the horrible being she reproduced with known as Jason Hoppy, whom if she saw on the street she would ignore as a stranger.
As the tail-end of the reunion, the drama was lackluster as all the mini-feuds were unscabbed and reargued part deux. At the center of most of the messes is Aviva Drescher. Among her many issues, she insists she was paying Carole Radziwill a compliment when she said, “At least I’m not 50 years old…” during their bookgate argument. Apparently in the convoluted twisted land of Avicious’ mind saying that someone is 50 and alone is a compliment, because she actually thought they were older. Ramona Singer, tact police, tut-tuts that even in a pinot-laced haze she knows that’s no compliment. That’s Aviva’s MO, to make a nasty comment and then claim the other person misconstrued it and she was actually trying to say xyz…
Avicious‘ other MO is to drop classicist epithets. Last night’s recipient was Heather Thomson. Aviva is appalled by Heather’s use of the phrase “mother f–ka” because Aviva says it sounds “gangster” and Heather did not grow up in the ghetto – nor has she been to prison. Apparently those are the only places people learn such language. Which confuses me because didn’t Aviva tell Kristen Taekman to “shut the F–k up“? Was Aviva in prison unbeknownst to us? She should be! Or perhaps Vassar was teaching a Ghetto Language Course? Needless to say Heather is offended by Aviva’s ignorance.
Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!”
We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!