Real Housewives Of New York – when it’s too hot in the city, despite the arctic winter chill, escape to the islands of Turks and Caicos but bring the arctic chill with you! I truly did love this episode – it was old times RHONY – real friends, serious drama that wasn’t fake or fabricated, yet light-hearted frivolity and laughs.
I’ve come to love the friendship of Bethenny Frankel and Luann de Lesseps. I think they deserve their own bestie name: Bethann? Luannethy? I’ve also come to accept Kristen Taekman as being silent, but necessary – her facial expressions are the omnipotent narrator and her outfits are a pleasant diversion from such atrocities as macramé, lucite stripper heels, or neon yellow bikinis purchased from the MTV Spring Break store in 1993.
Bethenny invited a select group of ladies she likes to decorate cupcakes. Sponsored by Skinnygirl. Not to be outdone – or out boozed, rather – Ramona Singer yanks a bottle of pinot and wine glasses out of her purse. “Who carries wine around in their purse,” Bethenny snaps, caustically shoving the newest Skinnygirl beverage – replete with Skinnygirl glass – in Ramona’s hand. Bethenny should just get a food cart at this point – she can drive it everywhere! Hell, our little homeless one can even live out of it!
Over cupcakes Sonja Morganannounces she is about to pay off off her bankruptcy judgement and wants to celebrate by spending money again. That’s um… that’s really learning from your mistakes! First order of spending into bankruptcy 2.0 is taking a trip to Turks and Caicos.
I still don’t know what the hell happened on Real Housewives Of New York! One minute Bethenny Frankel was crying, the next she was hugging, the next she was building flimsy walls, the next she was eviscerating, the next she was arguing, the next she was conducting a high-powered business summit, the next she was running away, then she was apologizing. Dare I say – with all her emotional turmoil – she was acting like Kelly from Scary Island. I feel like everyone needs an instruction manual for how to operate Bethenny.
Back in the Berkshires at Dorinda Medley‘s birthday dinner, Bethenny is having a sobbing meltdown because Heather Thomson tried to smother her with a meatball like some sort of depraved Upper East Side momogul version of Aqua-Teen Hunger Force. Get the memo, Heather: Bethenny doesn’t eat! Bethenny is allergic to fish – and, also Xanax!
Then Bethenny is running around to Heather’s side of the table, eyes shining with tears (or maybe it was Skinnygirl Sparklers; who knows) hugging Heather and apologizing for the walls she’s has because everyone is trying to put her in a Skinnygirl box. “I’m over myself!” Bethenny snaps. “I just don’t want attention!” Except for the times I’ve talked to the media and put myself on reality shows!
The Real Housewives Of New York traveled to the Berkshires to celebrate Dorinda Medley‘s 50th birthday. After spying all the luxury, wealth, and fabulous splendor around her, Ramona Singer had a change of heart – both about the Berkshires and about Dorinda’s boyfriend John.
Ramona learned that people of the Berkshires are not uncivilized heathens gallivanting around bra-less (well unless they’re Sonja Morgan!) – without air conditioners, wine fridges, and personal valets. Last season the horror of a home without a heliport nearly did Ramona in along with the terrible fright of experiencing trees in their natural habitat. Thankfully Dorinda opened Ramona’s eyes and Ramona recognized being prejudiced and stereotyping is not OK!
Speaking of things being OK, Luann de Lesseps was trapped in a car with Ramona the entire way there as Ramona feverishly searched for the number of the AC company she called last year – just in case. As Luann swanned out of the town car, in a fur-trimmed cape, she paused to look at Dorinda’s massive splendorous spread and she said, “Dahling – we aren’t in Connecticut anymore. And yes, I survived the cruel joke of a car ride with Ramona!”
Things begin with another birthday – this time the birthday belongs to Dorinda Medley, who is turning 50. She wants to celebrate by returning Ramona to a place of torment and doom: The BERKSHIRES. Ramona gets the sniffles and can’t breathe. She fans herself. Her thumbs twitch as she texts her friend with the private plane to be on retainer. Just kidding – Ramona actually has a cold, but that’s not gonna stop her from going on a date. Ramona’s tissues bring all the boys to the yard! And they’re like her germs are better than mine!
What is happening with Sonja Morgan? Remember when she was the zany, lovable, yet refreshingly sensible one from her first season? Remember when she was THE VOICE OF REASON on Scary Island? Clearly Kelly Bensimon sent Sonja a care package of some gummy bears and Al Sharpton posters because Sonja has left the building – quick someone grab a snatch guard!
The ladies of Real Housewives Of New York are supposed to be headed to Atlantic City by way of Le Crumbles Magnificique Abode, where the interns reign supreme and the heat is emitted only from the bank of toaster ovens plugged into the wall in what was formerly the maid’s quarters, but has electricity that runs from the neighbor’s mansion. Sonja wanted the girls to meet at her home to board a party-limo to AC for Ramona Singer‘s Suddenly Single Birthday Bash, but she’s late and leaves them all outside – in very in-climate weather.
Heather Thomson, Kristen Taekman, and Dorinda Medley arrived – on time – but Sonja was lost in the abyss of her thrice re-Sharpied Chanels and her twice-re-superglued Oscars figuring out what to pack and wouldn’t let the girls in – even to wait in the vestibule! Seriously – she had an intern open the door, then promptly shut it in their faces, because Lady Morgan wasn’t ready to accept guests. An intern can’t entertain them with magic tricks while Sonja packs!? I hear Sno-Cone can juggle and make tea simultaneously!
The true story of Real Housewives Of New York is not what’s happening on the episode, but what’s happening on twitter while the episode is airing. Things have gone from A to F–ked with Luann de Lesseps and Carole Radziwill slamming each other something l0w-down dirty and arguing over the proclivities and scheduling conflicts of a thirty-something boy. They’re like two mommies in a custody dispute. Ladies – it’s embarrassing.
Basically Carole started dating Luann’s nieces ex-boyfriend, but didn’t tell Luann because she’s scared of what Lu will think. Even though Carole claims the niece and the fling broke up over a year ago. Interesting. Before all that cockamamie nonsense, we have to get to Sonja Morgan‘s cockamamie nonsense – and she doesn’t swallow unless its for a Black Card (or a pinot).
Also, let’s get one thing clear – Bethenny didn’t want to host brunch to show off her Hamptons home (and really how could she being homeless and all) she wanted to show off her Skinnygirl collection.
It all begins at Luann de Lesseps‘ cozy Hamptons abode, the girls are clustered around the living room, drinking coffee and gossiping as real girlfriends do, also leisurely braiding Carole Cradziwill‘s toe hair (EWWW – isn’t that what Cindy Barshop is for – don’t you get the Real Housewives Federation Association discount on all waxations from here until the end of time – if you can manage to find your way out to Quogue.).