Russ and Paola

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It’s the final episode of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, and I feel like I just got off a carnival ride that was left spinning a tad too long. You know the feeling – a little bit sick, a touch disoriented, but mostly just grateful to be alive! Yes, we made it to the end, people. But the couples on these reunion couches might not even make it out of their hotels, let alone to their golden anniversaries.

Last night, Anfisa and Jorge were isolated for a “private” chat with host Shaun Robinson, in which Jorge slung accusations and Anfisa ultimately walked off stage. Interesting points included Jorge looking totally stoned from beginning to end of this entire “Tell All” and Anfisa not lashing out at him with her characteristic rage. (But we haven’t seen his car/home/pet bunny as evidence yet, so truthfully, we have no idea what form her revenge will take.) Also, TLC decided to throw one more tent into this circus by showing us the rest of the dysfunctional couples’ reactions to Jorge and Anfisa while their segment rolled along. To which I say, well played, TLC. Embrace your crazy! Except, let’s get Loren and Paola muzzled next time, mmkay?

90 Day Fiance Recap: Couples Tell All, Part 2

Happy Labor Day! In honor of the long weekend, 90 Day Fiance has brought us another gruesome installment of the reunion from hell for us to feast upon. Hooray! Shaun Robinson is back with the gang to talk over people call them out about their intentions, and to stop Loren from taking over as host. Because that chick came to these couches with an agenda, as last week certainly revealed. Loren isn’t quite done berating Anfisa about her gold-digging ways, however, even taking the fight backstage to browbeat Jorge. Good thing Jorge is used to being browbeaten – not to mention, actually beaten (why hasn’t anyone called Anfisa out on that sh*t yet, by the way?!)

But first, Russ needs to go find his wife, who dramatically marched off stage last week after he blabbed that she’s not getting much work as a model these days. Instead of addressing the obvious (both of their total fakery), Russ and Paola play-act backstage, rehashing the lingerie argument for the thousandth time. After they exhaust themselves with reciting their very limited lines, they are whisked backstage with the rest of the group to take five. Because (cue the Friday The 13th music) it’s time for Danielle and Mohamed to face off ALONE. Even Walmart Tom can’t save them now.

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It’s hard to believe any host would sign up to sit down with the ne’er do wells of 90 Day Fiance, but Shaun Robinson is back for more! In last night’s Tell All: Part One, Shaun mediated the fights, accusations, and general delusion plaguing most of this cast. Specifically, Loren acted as mouthpiece for the masses by calling out Anfisa and Mohamed on their shadiness. But Loren’s missing a rather large piece of that dysfunctional equation – i.e., their American counterparts, Jorge and Danielle, who would both greatly benefit from securing a hardcore life coach. But if we had a cast with basic relationship skills, we wouldn’t have a show! And what a show it is.

Loren and Paola are apparently friends outside of the show, but the interesting characteristic of this reunion versus other reality TV ventures is that most of the couples don’t know each other one bit. They are in a similar position as we, the viewers, are when it comes to forming an opinion about one another. In other words, they get their info from TV. And in some cases, they NO like what they see! Also, some of the couples have scores to settle here, Jorge and Danielle being two of them. So when Anfisa and Mohamed barely drag their a$$es to the reunion on time, they give their exes plenty of extra time to stew. The stage is set for fright night, ya’ll!

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It’s been a slow march to the courthouse for Danielle and Mohamed getting to last night’s 90 Day Fiance finale, but they finally face off this week. In another humiliating confrontation, Jorge and Anfisa have a little business to attend to – such as, does he plan on paying her for services rendered, or will she also be heading to a courthouse to start divorce proceedings? Paola continues to act like she just met “conservative Oklahoma boy” Russ yesterday, and Russ continues to feign shock that his thirsty bride is a two-bit hustler sexy model. And Pedro and Chantel – well, just ugh. As they march delusionally toward the altar for round two, their equally dysfunctional families gather to celebrate the doomed couple.

We begin in the Dominican Republic, where the sad-sack music TLC used to reserve for the likes of Danielle/Jorge types is now being used on every single Chantel/Pedro scene. And rightly so. This family bonding trip has gone from “No thanks on the chicken feet!” to “Slut a$$ b*tch a$$ whore!!!!” in just under a week. As she gets her makeup and hair done for the ceremony, Chantel admits all of this to her friend and sister, but doesn’t get into details. Suffice to say, everyone hates everyone. But young, naive Chantel thinks that it doesn’t matter. Love will conquer all!!! Or they will get divorced in under a year.

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You know what? I think we could all be excellent marriage counselors (at least to this wayward lot) after watching 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After for this long. Simple truths emerge in every couple’s twisted mess. Like, for instance, don’t marry someone you trolled on the internet for six months, outright lied to, then expect them to love you for your pathetic self (looking at you, Danielle and Jorge!). Or, maybe get to know each other’s families just a wee bit better before signing on the dotted line (cough, coughChantel and Pedro). And lastly, find out if your future wife has delusions of becoming a model at age 30 before your house goes into foreclosure and your career circles the toilet. Russ could have deduced these facts from a simple 2-question quiz, no?

Anyway, their loss is our ridiculous television gain! Because this week, we continue to watch three out of our five couples unravel in the most spectacular and depressing ways. In the endless case of Danielle and Mohamed, a courtroom is finally entered. And Walmart Tom is not invited. Paola lays down on a dirty bed in used lingerie for a music video, pondering whether Russ will be cool with it. Chantel and Pedro’s families continue to vie for most atrocious in-laws EVER, and Loren makes her debut as Tourette’s ambassador in D.C. (Hmm. One of these storylines is not like the others.)

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TLC producers are obviously working overtime trying to unearth more sorry souls doomed to botch their lives forever, because after last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, we bore witness to a new iteration of the 90 Day franchise – Before The 90 Days. While we’ll only be recapping our usual couples’ stories here at Reality Tea, feel free to comment on the new train wrecks folks as well as the old!

Our tales already in progress include star-crossed lovers, Chantel and Pedro, about to wed for the second time even though their families basically want to murder each other. Danielle and Mohamed, who are set to face off in court, continue to delude themselves that the other is 100% to blame for their disastrous marriage. We also find Russ having to accept Paola’s new grand plan of “starring” in a music video, which we all know she’ll do with or without his permission. And finally, Jorge pathetically plans to grovel to Anfisa about giving him a second chance to be systematically tortured.

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Just when you thought Paola’s imaginary career was as sad as it could get, she scores a photoshoot that makes her look like a real live Instagram filter. On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Russ tries to be supportive of his wife baring her goodies in public, while Pedro defends his intentions to Chantel – and her entire family – after their disastrous visit to the Dominican Republic. Mohamed and Danielle prepare for their appearance in court, and Jorge struggles to understand how lying to Anfisa for over a year could have possibly backfired on him.

In the Dominican Republic, Chantel and her family are heading back to Santo Domingo from their hotel in Santiago. They’re convinced Pedro is conning them (via his mother, Lydia) for a green card and money. But Pedro’s family thinks these Americans behaved worse than animals, only coming there to humiliate them! Pedro doesn’t know what to do – is wedding #2 happening or not? He says Chantel needs to decide between her family and him. Chantel thinks the same applies to Pedro and his family. In other words: These two are doomed.

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On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Chantel got to see where all of Pedro’s money is going when she and her family traveled down to the Dominican Republic for their second wedding. Chantel’s parents were also confronted by a plate of chicken feet, which went over about as well as…a plate of chicken feet. Paola continued to make Russ her indentured servant, Mohamed and Danielle continued to torture each other on social media, and Anfisa spontaneously lost 250 pounds when she kicked Jorge out of the apartment.

We begin in Ohio, where Danielle successfully orders a cup of coffee, then whines to her sister and brother in law, Paul, about how she still wants to be frieeeeeends with Mohamed. Paul is like: Wake up, woman! He knows Danielle would take Mohamed back in a heartbeat if he even answered one of her sad texts. Beth, who is also in attendance, nods in agreement. But Danielle swears this time it’s for real, ya’ll! She even wants her family to write affidavits in support of her fraud case. (Wait – Danielle actually learned the word affidavit? This is getting serious.)