Russ and Paola

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On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Chantel got to see where all of Pedro’s money is going when she and her family traveled down to the Dominican Republic for their second wedding. Chantel’s parents were also confronted by a plate of chicken feet, which went over about as well as…a plate of chicken feet. Paola continued to make Russ her indentured servant, Mohamed and Danielle continued to torture each other on social media, and Anfisa spontaneously lost 250 pounds when she kicked Jorge out of the apartment.

We begin in Ohio, where Danielle successfully orders a cup of coffee, then whines to her sister and brother in law, Paul, about how she still wants to be frieeeeeends with Mohamed. Paul is like: Wake up, woman! He knows Danielle would take Mohamed back in a heartbeat if he even answered one of her sad texts. Beth, who is also in attendance, nods in agreement. But Danielle swears this time it’s for real, ya’ll! She even wants her family to write affidavits in support of her fraud case. (Wait – Danielle actually learned the word affidavit? This is getting serious.)

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You know, many of us have wondered if there’s just something missing from this summer’s 90 Day Fiance. Since we’re looking at the “Happily Ever After” lives of already-married couples, the usual drama of whether or not these confused souls will get married (not to mention whether they should) is obviously absent. Then again, we do have Jorge and Anfisa, Danielle and Mohamed, and Russ and Paola to keep the drama intense – if not a bit recycled. Instead of wondering if they will or won’t wed, we’re left to wonder how long until they’re dead divorced. In any case – I’ll take what I can get. Because no matter how guilty I feel for watching this divine mess week after week, year after year, I just can’t quit this show!

This week, Chantel finds out that Pedro has been sending more money home than her unemployed a$$ is comfortable with, Danielle verifies that she did indeed consummate her marriage with Mohamed <dry heave>, Loren and Alexei talk to Alexei’s mom about Tourette’s, Russ and Paola try to get past their night with Juan, and Jorge’s sister, Lourdes, attempts an intervention on her deeply deluded brother. To absolutely no avail, of course. But hey – you can’t blame a gal for trying! Anfisa takes this whole scene very well, by the way, meaning that she refrains from stabbing anyone with a steak knife in public.

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If you were Jorge (not that I’d wish that on my worst enemy), at what point would you perhaps think, “Hmm, maybe this sham of a marriage isn’t quite working out?” The thought certainly didn’t enter his mind when Anfisa shut down his phone, keyed his car, made him sleep in the garage, physically assaulted him, or threatened divorce. But on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Jorge does have a moment (like, a single second) of clarity after Anfisa kicks him out of HIS OWN APARTMENT mere days before her green card is issued.

In Ohio, Danielle accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo. But he’s too busy on the prowl for American victim girlfriend number two. Russ and Paola continue to be a sad mess – as do Chantel and Pedro. And in riveting news, Loren and Alexi shift their focus from talking about strippers to crying about Tourettes.

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The couples of 90 Day Fiance have done what might seem impossible to the average, everyday Joe. They travel to distant lands to find each other, fall in love, navigate complication governmental red tape, and learn about each other’s cultures while spending a harried 90 days engaged. Then they get married and file restraining orders on each other. It’s a modern day fairy tale, people! If the tale ends in domestic battery or on an episode of Snapped, that is – especially if you’re Jorge & Anfisa or Mohamed & Danielle. Although Chantel & Pedro, Loren & Alexi, and Russ & Paola are slowly descending into the pit of terrifying dysfunction with each passing week as well.

After admitting “a little bit of debt” – or tens of thousands of dollars – Jorge doesn’t understand why the bride he paid for is upset. Sitting like a stooge at the table after Anfisa walks off, Jorge finally skulks out to drive her home. Anfisa wants a post-nuptial agreement so she doesn’t bear responsibility for Jorge’s financial mess – a mess that he’s been lying about since day one. She also looks like she wants to murder him on the drive home. She feels like she’s been swindled, agreeing to marry a man of means who would provide a certain lifestyle. Instead, she’s stuck in a one-bedroom apartment with a guy in a Kohl’s shirt.

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What looks like a live, painful, very slow train wreck and rhymes with Beyonce? Yep! It’s 90 Day Fiance!!! The show whose producers should win Emmy’s for their casting prowess alone. To you loyal fans out there, I’ve missed you! And if you’re new here, stick around – because this is the best show on television that you accidentally watched, then immediately became addicted to. Promise. The concept? Single Americans meet the “loves of their lives” overseas, then drag bring them to the U.S. on a K-1 fiance Visa, which requires couples to get married within 90 days.

This season picks up with couples who’ve already gotten married under the K-1 system, showing us where they are now and how married life is suiting them. Or in Danielle and Mohammed’s case, how potential jail time/insane asylum commitment is shaping up. Spoiler Alert! They still win Best In Show for being the most dysfunctional couple to have EVER graced the 90 Day Fiance franchise – although Jorge and Anfisa are giving them a run for their money. (Wait? What money? Never mind.) Also joining the herd this year are Loren and Alexi, Chantel and Pedro, and Russ and Paola. Hey, TLC: We demand you unearth Mark and Nikki from the pit wherever he’s keeping her too! Maybe next time.