Jim Bellino is nobody’s fool. Wait… what did I just write?! Anyway, he wears the big boy pants – and he wants Bravo to know it! The most detested of the Real Housewives of Orange County husbands is setting the record straight on Tuesday’s season finale party – and apparently not only did Terry Dubrow invite him to the party; Jim has the texts to prove it. Danggit Jim, don’t you go making me like you now!

In addition to Jim calling Terry out, Alexis Bellino is taking Queen Chesire Cat Heather Dubrow and her fellow Housewives to task for pretending that Sarah Winchester, cake destroyer extraordinaire, was an uninvited guest. Like, duh, Sarah was, like, so for real invited by Bravo. I bet they even told her to wear that $3 Pretty Woman reject hooker dress!

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In addition to putting their bread and butter on blast, Alexis is also calling out former BFFL Gretchen Rossi on twitter and the ladies engaged in quite the tit for tat! Who needs a reunion when you have fired up (and probably fired) Bellinos loose in the wilds of the internet! Let’s get crackin’…

First up Jim is just furious that anyone would insinuate his wife is the phoniest person in the whole wide world – particularly when that person is really probably more phony. Taking to his personal blog, Jim calls out Terry for his own special brand of phony.

“I was invited to this party, not once but twice. Once was a personal invite,” Jim wrote; including photos to prove it.

Jim’s damning texts from Terry (Click to Enlarge) [Photo Credit: Jim's Twitter]

Well, it looks like one Dr. Dubrow got b-u-s-t-e-d! So what made Jim change his mind about attending? Why Alexis, of course!

“I wanted to surprise my wife, who never would have guessed I was coming. After a lot of back and forth (which you can clearly see documented above) I wanted to surprise my wife, who was very nervous about even attending this party—keep in mind she had just been ambushed in Costa Rica. I decided it was worth it to put a smile on Alexis’ face. So I went,” Jim explains.

Sadly, it was a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kinda experience. “It lasted nine minutes before I left. I walked in, was ambushed, and walked right back out,” Jim elaborates. “I think it’s safe to say certain people were waiting for this moment and ready to pounce—my surprise appearance was leaked—thanks to the host for keeping my surprise for my wife confidential.”

Jim continues, “From the moment I show up, he is ready to talk to me about what he says he did not say. I wanted so badly to let sleeping dogs lie and discuss it man to man over a private lunch.”

And Jim believes the entire exchange was an orchestrated set-up to have Alexis thrown out of the party! ”I wanted to surprise my wife, but the real surprise was on me. I was invited to come have a talk to discuss Alexis being called phony,” he continues.

“You will see the party host and hostess having a lengthy, on-camera discussion in last week’s episode about what all they plan to do if Alexis so much as utters a word to him [Terry] about calling her phony—their plan is to have her escorted out because it would be inappropriate for Alexis to call attention to the fact that he did indeed say she’s phony.” Wow!

Moving on, Alexis shares her own perspective (surprisingly Jim allowed it!) on what’s been happening the last few episodes:

“It is very apparent to me that the past few episodes were all about defining relationships. Defining any relationship can be something you’ve wanted to do for a long time and suddenly, with one act, it’s done. One thing’s for sure though, it’s hard to go back once choices have been made.”

“I like to think that most of the time in my life, when I have defined (or redefined) relationships, it has been for the best outcome of everyone involved. Marriage, friendships, children, colleagues… these are all relationships that we can either knowingly work on to define every day, OR we can let time takes it toll, and look at a relationship and say, ‘Oh my, what happened to that friendship.’”

“So when it came to Costa Rica, the final outcome was a bully session. It may not have been everyone’s intent in the beginning, but that is what the outcome was. It doesn’t make these women bad people necessarily, but it does mean they made some bad choices. I’m not upset it happened because it revealed to me a side of reality I could not have been aware of without it.”

Well said, Alexis! And proving that often times “redefining a relationship” is often difficult, Alexis and Gretchen took their angst to Twitter and started to bicker anew.

It all began with Alexis supporting Jim‘s behavior to bail on her – and the Dubrow’s party. And his “Who wears the pants?” accusation. Naturally she takes the blame.

“I’m glad Jim walked out, he should never be ambushed the way I was in Costa Rica!!!,” Alexis tweeted. Adding, “Terry askd Jim 6+ times to plz go talk & Jim kept saying no, thats the only reason I told Jim it’s awkward. Jim shouldnt have listened 2 me!”

Well, Gretchen didn’t like all that and so she got sassy with Alexis about Jim‘s behavior. And Alexis proving that she’ll, like, never ever be ambushed again got sassy back!

Well, there you have it!

BTW: If you buy anything from Alexis HoeCouture over the weekend you get a free autographed photo. Run, go, now… make your fingers type faster.

[Photo Credits: WENN.com]

THOUGHTS ON JIM OUTING TERRY AS A LIAR ABOUT THE INVITE? IS ALEXIS IN THE RIGHT TO CALL HER CASTMATES OUT? DO YOU THINK THE BELLINOS WILL BE RETURNING NEXT SEASON?

Oh, Vicki Gunvalson… we all know the truth. After you were forced to return your rent-a-mink (for which your deposit was surely lost following the pit-stains and odor of BO) you are now denouncing fur! Suuuurrrrre… a likely story.

“The world has changed and I must change as well. Fur, while it was never something I needed or specifically wanted, it was in my mindset as something glamorous and a sign of success for a woman,” Vicki mused in her Bravo blog.

Of course, now that the Real Housewives of Orange County star realized the fur she loved was only her’s for an evening, she is claiming that she covets fur no more! And she’s giving PETA all the credit for her epiphany! “That is absolutely no longer the case. When PETA sent me video footage of investigations on fur farms, I was horrified by the cruelty involved,” she claims.

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“These animals endure terrible pain and this cruelty is something I do not want to ever be a part of. After seeing what happens in this industry, I have chosen to partner with PETA to raise awareness and will not wear fur in the future.”

If Vicki ends up in an “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” ad I may gouge my eyes out. Oh, did I say that out loud? Whoopsie! We can only be thankful for photoshop if that’s the case.

Well another person who isn’t rocking fur because she can’t afford to is Sarah Winchester, who chose to slam Vicki’s fur-loving butt on Twitter. “I only wear faux fur. I have a heart unlike some people,” Sarah sniped.

“I saw u with a leather purse! Animal cruelty is not only in fur unfortunately!” Vicki retaliated. touche, touche! “You may have a heart, but lacking in other parts,” Vicki added. I think they’re both lacking in sanity, but that’s beside the point!

When they all give up their Louboutins then we’ll talk about animal love, but until then they’re all guilty is as guilty does. And just for kicks, below is a glamour shot of Vicki and Brooks Ayers. Enjoy!

[Photo Credits: Vicki Gunvalson's Facebook]

WHY DO YOU THINK VICKI REALLY GAVE UP FUR?

“Cheeeeeese!” Love Brocki! I wonder if this one will end up on the Christmas card?

Deep in the middle of Real Housewives of Orange County, it was a beautiful clear night overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It could have been the setting from a movie, but instead it was real-ish life. And from Heather Dubrow‘s palatial lawn stars dotted the sky of what should have been a perfect evening. Sadly, an evil eye had befallen the enchanted party and instead of an evening of friendship, love and celebration – it was one recriminations, accusations, and petty slights.

‘Perhaps the drinks flowed too abundantly?’ Heather thought to herself. ‘Perhaps I was too liberal with the invitations?’ she pondered. But then she remembered, she had sold her soul; let it all slip away and now Bravo owned her – they owned her home, her celebrations, and even her name. Well, at least for next couple years. Oh, well might as well make the best of it. Champs for all!

Last week there were issues over a bow. Some loose ends were left untied and Sarah Winterchester, the faux-heiress (who left her holler for the wilds of Orange County), was being shown the door at this exclusive party. Sarah began to realize the Xanax in her purse was a bad idea (OK, I made that part up). Also a bad idea – letting herself be talked into attending a party where she was out of her element, nervous as hell, and wearing the dress she bought at the adult superstore on Sunset. All in all, mistakes were made and she would suffer for them. One can escape the trailer park, but never really escape the trailer park. Just ask Tamra! 

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Heather calls her coven into the kitchen for a meeting. ‘Sarah’, she announced, ‘you must go. Your apology was insincere and your presence was unwelcome. Plus someone asked what you charged per hour and that’s not what we’re going for at this classy soiree. Bartender – pass me a champs and escort this, ummm… lady? No, person to the door.’

Alexis Bellino rushed over in support – no way was she taking the blame for yet another mishap. Her friend was not being unceremoniously thrown out. Alexis reminds everyone that Sarah is also Gretchen Rossi‘s friend and that Gretchen Rossi is trying to pretend she’s all classy like and above them when she was once a low-budget gold digger too. Slave Smiley intervenes. He’s wearing a turtleneck in preparation for sniffing scotch in the library post party with Dr. Terry Dubrow. There Slave plans to hit him up for a loan. Sadly, he ends up arguing with Alexis in the kitchen and escorting Sarah to the door like the help. The turtleneck did have an eau de bouncer about it, didn’t it.

Poor Sarah becomes unhinged. Gretchen shuffles her to the side of the kitchen, shooting Alexis a glare that kills. Alexis reigns superior, her hair coiffed in the style of a queen, it is not she who will take responsibility for this mess – this time. Oh, Lex…don’t worry… you’ll get your due very soon.

Sarah is dragged kicking, screaming, and sobbing like a child taken from Chuck E. Cheese before redeeming their tickets at the prize counter. “What kind of world do we live in?!” she wails ‘Why can’t a girl with a sugar problem have someone else’s cake and eat it too?!’ There lies the crux of the problem – some bows should only be untied by their owner. And just for the record: Heather‘s cake was seriously generic looking! #refund.

I do think Slave, living up to his name, was very sweet in escorting Sarah “The Uninvited” and her plus one (so an uninvited guest invites another uninvited guest? Quel tacky!) to the door and talking them down. Slave, remembering the times when he was escorted from parties he’d crashed, reminds her that everyone is drunk and will forget it in the morning. Mostly Sarah, who in her stupor was a mess. Poor Sarah – if only her apology had seemed sincere.

Back in the kitchen, Heather instructs the maid to count the silver and take inventory of the crystal… that plus one had a very large purse for an evening affair. And back to the party!

Except this wasn’t really a party but a one big giant therapy session where everyone aired their grievances and had it out. Really, what a mess. Giving crazy people alcohol is always in poor taste. So Vicki Gunvalson has a sit down with her daughter’s surprise new husband! Like a jack in the box, Ryan just popped up – “Surprise! I’m here and I’ve stolen your daughter from you!” Apparently Briana Culberson née Wolfsmith is Vicki’s possession – and Vicki wants her back.

Ryan, not one to be easily bullied – I can see why Briana chose him – puts Vicki right in her place. Ryan sniffs that if Briana is having problems with Vicki, that’s Vicki’s issue – not his. This does not compute to Vicki. Ryan didn’t get the memo – she’s in charge. Of everything and everyone. She’s the mother.

Vicki thinks since she has accepted a fine upstanding man like Ryan, Briana must accept a complete hot mess opportunist like Brooks Ayers. Ryan all but laughs in her face, but talks her down from the edge of cray-cray and agrees he will help her rebuild things with Briana. What’s left unsaid is that Briana is not going to be accepting Sugarmommas R Us anytime soon! And why should she? That loser is blowing through her inheritance… and probably giving her mother STDs.

Is Vicki ever going to remove that mink? By now I feel like it should have a name – it’s practically the seventh Housewife. She does realize she’s going to have to return it like a Blockbuster Video rental, right?

Well, there was just so much drama I don’t know where to turn. Next on the buffet of bizarre, Jim Bellino shows up. Completely unannounced and out of the blue. Just when things are settling down, in he waltzes wearing god knows what – some sort of clown costume hologram vest. It must have been an Alexis Hoeture reject.

Alexis is shocked, but kinda not really. We all know producers showed up at the Bellino rent-a-mcmansion and cut Jim a check for a few thou. They waved his contract in his face which demands all cast members appear at the end of season party and escorted him to the Dubrow manse.

Heather is less than pleased as she scuttles across the lawn, lips pursed, to procure Terry and inform him of the latest unsavory news. Terry is interesting is he not? On one hand I love him – he’s funny and suave, but on the other hand he seems like the kid in high school that the popular kids rejected so now he’s trying to suck up. He stands there and makes a joke about how Jim finally had the balls to show up then he turns around and thanks Jim for coming about 4000 times.

Regardless of what I may think about Jim – and it’s not much – I do think he could mow the lawn with Terry’s teeth. And probably trim the hedges too. Terry is gossiping up a storm with Tamra and the like while Jim cuts him eyes – evil ones.

Terry mentions they should have a sit down, since it’s uuuuhhhh… kinda awkward and the “talk” was in the script. Alexis pipes up that Jim should. Jim silences her by asking who wears the pants in this relationship. I think we all know the answer to that: Bravo.

Jim and Terry go hash out the semantics of phony vs. phoniest person. And then Heather interrupts to try and play off the dramavention in Costa Mexico as an earnest heart to heart between Alexis and herself. Jim is not buying it. Then Tamra, desperate for some camera time, sidles over and plops down. She still has a lot to say to and about the Bellinos – people she allegedly cannot stand that do not matter.

Jim is out. He stands up, walks out, and doesn’t even bother with saying goodbye to his wife. He showed her who wears the cheap polyester rented pants. I just kept focusing on those holograms on the vest… what were they? Roses? Skulls? The man knows how to make an exit. Sure beats a turtleneck.

Alexis, realizing Jim has abandoned her once again, races after him calling his name. She tracks him down peeling out and doing doughnuts on the Dubrow’s front lawn and grabs the door handle begging him to unlock the door. Poor Alexis. Has anyone given her the name of a good divorce attorney yet? Bravo will pay for it if she lets them include it in next season’s storyline.

And finally Tamra Barney will get her time to bask in the drama. As the evening never ends, one more fight is on the horizon and it must come up before the sun. Exactly how long was this party? It felt like it went on for days. Heather beckons everyone for a sit-down to discuss the Jim-exit and they all decide to toast to drama and friendship. Vicki toasts to the empty seat of Alexis and Tamra rolls her eyes.

Unfortunately, Brooks, not accustomed the way of the Housewife and desperate for some camera time of his own, accuses her of shooting “his lady” the “evil eye.” Uhhh… buddy – you’re a day late and a dollar short. That storyline was last season. So an argument erupts between Brooks and Tamra over a supposed evil eye. And really, I was dizzy from all the times they were yelling “evil eye.”

I kept waiting for the producers to whip out that hat from last season; you know the one Gretchen said she needed to wear in front of Tamra. I was surprised Gretch didn’t have it in her Gretchen Christine Handbag. Anyhoodle, Brooks is obviously confused because the evil eye wards off evil, it doesn’t administer it. That doesn’t stop him though, he is a knight in a shining borrowed Mercedes and he’s going to defend his paycheck errrrr… girlfriend’s honor.

Vicki, to her credit, initially seems shocked and confused by what’s unfurling. Tamra jumps up and starts yelling in Brooks‘ face. I think Tammie was itching for a fight all night – was it in her contract? I also think she cares about Vicki as a friend and Brooks is a less than desirable suitor. Vicki tells Eddie to get a hold of Tamra – and thems fightin words. Tamra screams that Vicki needs to relax and that Brooks controls her. And Vicki shrieks that he does not.

Vicki, her omnipresent (and by now pit stained and reeking of BO) mink, and Brooks decide to leave because Tamra has committed the ultimate affront and Vicki will not fight on Heather Dubrow‘s front lawn while wearing her brandnew-ish rented fur. She yanks off her heels and stalks into house with Tamra following her.

They continue screaming at each other. Vicki loses it, accusing Tamra of being disrespectful and a bad friend. Vicki claims she would never treat Eddie like that – which I don’t agree with – and says their friendship is over. Well, that was uhhh… dramatic. They are soul sisters and BFFs no more. When did they become soul sisters again?

Speaking of Soul Sisters – Gretchen gave Tamra a friendship bracelet and they cried and cried about how much they loved and adored each other. Oh how sweet. They are now besties with purpose – to destroy Vicki. They’re “Unbreakable” (nice plug, Gretch). They kiss on the lips to swap lipstick, they rub butts together, they think of each other everyday. Wait… are they friends or lovers? I’m confused. Anyway, cute bracelet.

Waiting for the car, Vicki continues to complain about Tamra. And inside Briana and Tamra are having a heart-to-heart about what a loser Brooks is. He does have FOUR kids that he ditched in Mississippi. Tamra starts crying about her friendship with Vicki being over, except she really just scrunched up her face and dabbed her eyes. No tears came out. I’m not sure if if was botox or really, really bad acting.

Then Heather comes out to persuade Vicki and Brooks back to the party. It didn’t take much, just the promise of a diamond, which Brooks knows he cannot afford. Oh and cake. Who passes up cake? But before Vicki re-enters Tamra‘s lair, she must first debrief Briana.

Briana comes outside, annoyed, and basically breaks it down for Vicki: No one likes or trusts Brooks and she’s obviously a few beads short of a Chanel necklace if she’s willing to risk her friendships and her relationships with her children for this fool. This carless, jobless, grifting fool.

Vicki doesn’t care and basically insists she’s happy. Brooks must have a magic disco stick… and he’s taking Vicki for the ride of her life; literally and metaphorically.

Vicki comes back to the party in time for the champs and baubles toast. Then she interjects to let everyone know she’s happy and they better accept it or back away. Nice job absconding Heather‘s special moment with your own issues, Vicks.

Everyone gets to line up to get the diamonds weighed. One lucky special girl will get a real stone. I’d put up with the fighting at Heather‘s party for a diamond… and all the free champagne.

Lucky Tamra wins the rock… which is disappointing given that she just received an engagement ring. Tamra should have passed that diamond to Gretchen – Slade can’t afford to buy her one.

And that was it… party/season over. One lucky girl scores two diamonds, and one unlucky girl scores a cubic zirconia imposter whose promises of a full love tank have her temporarily blinded. And one lucky girl gets Slave to reverse his vasectomy. And one lucky lady becomes Mrs. Terry Dubrow for the second time. And one unlucky lady sits alone in her dressing room in a dress not pants, studying Jim‘s glamour shot. She gazes out the window at the night sky and wonders how she was fooled by the promise of sparkle only to rewarded with fake gold.  Maybe she’ll call Vicki and remind her that things that seem too good to be true usually are.

The end.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]

THOUGHTS ON THE FINALE? WHO ACTED THE WORST? WILL VICKI AND TAMRA PATCH THINGS UP? DO YOU THINK VICKI WILL EVENTUALLY RECOGNIZE THAT BROOKS IS AN “OPPORTUNIST”?

Spreading link love to our favorite sites around the ‘net.

• Jessica Simpson busts out a post-baby Tweet  – Amy Grindhouse
• See Evelyn Lozada’s take on cheating – Crunktastical
• Is Ashlee Simpson’s outfit funky or flawed? – ETonline
• Hugh Hefner leaps from reality TV to jazz festivals? – The Celebrity Cafe
• 7 tanning disasters starring Lindsay Lohan – Girls Talkin’ Smack
• Which Housewife partied it up at Onyx nightclub? – Straight From the A
• Sarah Winchester dishes on how she landed a spot on RHOC – Cinderella’s Glass Closet

Photo Credit: Johnny Louis/WENN

Oh Real Housewives of Orange County – it’s almost time for us to part ways, but not before some magnificent drama. Oh, yes last night’s episode. Oh it was a silly bit of fun. Princess Thespian of All Times Heather Dubrow had a re-naming party which is not at all like a wedding, except it took the same precedence as a wedding in her mind.

And because it was the all-important end of the season cast party when Bravo makes everyone put on their mankiest fur coats and truck out to some godforsaken themed event, everyone was there. Like even the ones that aren’t really there, if you catch my drift.

But before we get to that little shin-dig, we have to wade through the rest of this episode. Things start out with Tamra Barney meeting Heather and Gretchen Rossi for drinks cause she has a very special announcement. Tammie Sue is gettin’ married for the very third time.

Oh, Tammie – I love your optimism. This ones really gonna work isn’t it? This is like a Lifetime movie. Did I mention that I am totally obsessed in a big huge way with Lifetime – cause I am. And before you ask – yes, I watched Blue Lagoon.

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST! 

Side Note: Gretchen shows up and is wearing like an entire parakeet attached to each ear. Those things were giving me an aneurism, but they distracted me from her hair and make-up which usually has me transfixed. In a bad way. Tamra and Gretchen were also wearing the exact same colors. Birds of a feather…

So everyone is all excited about Tamra‘s big announcement, but someone is missing. Someone is not excited for Tamra’s big announcement. It’s Vicki Gunvalson. Nope, she’s too busy cataloging her Hallmark cards to care. Friend of the year right there.

Speaking of real friends – there’s none of them on this show! Alexis Bellino is grabbing dinner with Sarah Winterchester of the Winterchester Rifles from backwoods east Tennessee.  Not to be confused the Winchester Rifles. No the Winterchesters run a blackmarket gun smuggling operation; scratching the serial numbers off and selling them out of a trailer park down by the holler.

Yeah, so that Sarah is picking at dinner and guzzling cocktails with Alexis. They don’t have real vodka round her parts – only maraschino cherry flavored moonshine that paw made in the back yard with an a distiller constructed from old car parts. WoooWeeee!

Alexis is prattling on about the Costa Mexico Intervention-smackdown-gang up and Sarah is very sympathetic. Gretchen is apparently a mutual friend and Sarah is quite surprised that she would like totally join in on the attack. I just want to know when Alexis skinned a sheep and threw it on over her dress? Is it left over from her cavewoman halloween costume? Me Alexis, You Jim.

Since Jim Blob is skipping Heather‘s name change extravaganza, Alexis invites Sarah – without asking Heather first. Ooopsie! Queen control freak isn’t going to like that! Sarah says that Heather scares her because her face doesn’t move and she can’t tell what she’s thinking. I think that will all change tonight. Anyway, she suggests that Heather has been dipping into the botox pond a bit too much.

So they’re all going to this party which spells Trouble. Double DD trouble. On the day of the shin-dig, Heather is rushing around her palatial backyard, which I swear is as big as Central Park. Heather is all excited about this party – well except for the cake. The cake is big ol’ disappointment – even with the faux diamonds.

And speaking of diamonds, Heather will be hosting a champagne toast and eveyone’s glass will have a little fake diamond in it – and one lucky girl will find a REAL rock in her drink. Lord knows, I hope Alexis wins that prize because it seems she’s in need of a real diamond.

Over at Vicki‘s house she is getting ready and I don’t know what she’s wearing. It’s the color of old pantyhose and it’s all rucched up the butt-crack – which is funny because it barely covers her butt. Really – not flattering. Luckily Brooks Ayers shows up and he has just the thing to hide the unfortunate dress. In my best Bob Barker voice: A new fuuuurrr coat! Yep, Brooks has bestowed upon Vicki a quarter length fur coat. I noticed it didn’t have tags and it wasn’t in a box. Ahemmm… used.

Since Mr. Hallmark has no employment to speak of, besides wrangling Vicki (ala Slave Sr.) I have to wonder how on earth he afforded such a luxury. I mean we know he is no Terry Dubrow. Vicki is just crowing about how Brooks bought her a brand new fur and so take that world – he is so rich! I think Brooks is working for the Russian Mob. Is he the Hallmark Hitman? Is Vicki going to end up on Mob Wives soon?

Tamra and Eddie are headed to Heather‘s and Tamra is rocking some serious Dolly Parton hair – was it from her wig collection? In the limo on the way over, Tamra announces she finally told Vicki about the engagement and Vicki reacted with concern because Tamra  just signed divorce papers six months ago. She thinks Tamra and Eddie are moving too fast. Interesting coming from a woman who is NOT divorced, but living with Brooks, sharing checking account, and letting him carry her purse all over town.

Heather is getting ready in her manse and complaining about Alexis. She worries that Alexis will, like, ruin her party by confronting Terry, which is “wildly inappropriate.” She repeats the word inappropriate at least 60 times before it emerges that Jim and Terry will be having lunch to talk. Do men do these things? Terry doesn’t understand why Jim can’t just come to the house. Well, because that would be “inappropriate.” Something tells me that’s an oft used refrain at the Dubrow Palace.

Alexis has no plans to cause a confrontation. She is turning over a new leaf and starting fresh with the ladies. She just wants there to be no drama at this event Bravo is forcing her to attend. After all – she knows she’s not materialistic and everyone else she called and asked agreed with her.

As the ladies stream in, each one is more bowed over than the next by the spectacular sprawl that is Heather‘s everyday life. Her house is, like, phenomenal and everyone is afraid to breathe. Even Vicki was gobsmacked. This was some RHOBH realness. Heather’s house is spectacular – and tasteful – but can you imagine living with all that white? Where exactly do the children go?

As Alexis and Sarah awkwardly descend into the backyard, Heather‘s face partially contorts into fury. Which means her mouth moves a quarter of an inch and her eyelid barely flutters. She can’t believe Alexis had the audacity to invite Sarah to the party – and even worse Sarah looks like she should be working the corner off the Las Vegas strip. Yes, Heather seriously said that. While Alexis was approaching in some dead rodent of a coat and a mini dress. These two were some busted up Pretty Woman rejects. Sarah’s dress was straight up Frederick’s of Hollywood tacky. <<shudder>>

Vicki arrives with Brooks and she tells everyone who she encounters that Brooks bought her a fur coat. No one cares. Tamra is not wearing her ring because she doesn’t want anyone to ask about it. Which is very weird. She claims it’s Heather‘s night and she doesn’t want all the attention. Uhhh… who replaced Tamra with a normal person who shows concern for others?  Therefore Tamra annoyed that Vicki is broadcasting the coat thing. Seriously – did Vicki ever take that coat off? Making your brand new used fur reek of sweat = gross.

Interesting to note that every single lady of the RHOC cast – including Sarah – was wearing some variation of a fur coat. I think it was a ploy to make Vicki‘s fur less exciting. Like, oh look – another fur. Next. Oh, and Slave was wearing a turtleneck. No.

Briana Culberson arrives with her new hubby. She and Vicki have not spoken since the blowout over Brooks. Briana looks adorable and is not wearing fur – instead she is rocking a $20 dress. My kinda girl! She and Vicki sort of circle each other warily, but then take some photos.

As the party goes on, Jeana Keough and Kara show up. Apparently Gretchen and Slave have invited them, but unlike Alexis, they got permission in advance. What that really means is BRAVO invited the Keoughs and told Heather it was mandatory. Tamra is all weirded out given that she hasn’t seen Jeana since last year’s cast party when she lobbed a glass of wine in her face.

They decide to avoid each other and Jeana sticks by Vicki – who she also hasn’t seen since last year. Vicki has been busy with Brooks and with phasing ex-TV people out of her life. Not willing to let the drink toss go is Kara, who has brought a cheap garbagebag style poncho with her. She pulls it over her dress with Briana‘s help and announces that she is a “tiny, very angry Shamu.” Aka Tamra bait.

Kara just stands outside, chatting amicably, looking chic despite her poncho, and waiting for Tamra to lose her cool and approach. Kara, the psych major, doesn’t have to wait long as she master manipulates the situation or perhaps the invisible producer hand was prodding it along. Tamra approaches and they sit down to have a talk. Apparently the Barneys and Keoughs were the best of friends pre-divorce (they were?) and Kara is still incensed that Tamra would mistreated her mom and threw wine in her face.

Tamara turns on the fakest, most tearless, sobbing I’ve ever seen. It was horrifying. She’s warbling like drunk sorority girl about how sorry she is and really it was the worst acting I’ve ever seen. Worse even than Melissa Gorga. An Emmy is NOT in Tamra’s future. Jeana eventually comes over and they tepidly make up. Neither lady really even cares at this point and it was some useless attempt to garner some drama and bilk a long-dead storyline. Lame.

The real drama happens when Heather learns that a drunk Sarah – who has been previously warned by Alexis to stop putting them away – has broken a piece of her cake off and eaten it. Before the cake was officially served. Heather is flabbergasted by the rudeness. Reacting like a true Housewife looking for next season’s contract, she rallies the troops and advances for the attack.

“She. broke. the. bow. off. my. cake. and. ate. it,” Heather fumes. Thems fightin words! She confronts Sarah, who admits she did it but doesn’t care. She slurs that she fails to see what the big deal is and protests that she has a “sugar problem.” I think she meant an alcohol problem. Like she likeys the cocktails a wee bit too much.

Heather can’t believe this is happening since this cake is like, sacred; it’s like a wedding cake. This is her RE-NAMING ceremony. The unrefined Winterchester in Sarah is bubbling to the surface. Like Tamra says – who’s from the trailer park?

Alexis is frantically trying to both defend Sarah and smooth the situation over. Alexis doesn’t want Sarah to be ganged up on, so she’s fighting the battle she wished she had fought in Costa Mexico. Sadly, it’s not working. Again.

Sarah apologizes, but her apology style leaves much to be desired. ‘Yeah, bitch I ate the effing bow. So sue me. Want my maxed out credit card? Now gimme a drink!” Heather, infuriated and shocked that Sarah is arguing and yelling, tells her to get herself together and come back. And apologize again presumably. Yes, Heather put an uninvited guest in timeout, which is better than kicking her out I suppose.

Actually I love Heather in mommy-mode. She proceeds to hand Sarah an Oreo for her “sugar problem.” Sarah is staring at the Oreo like it has mythical powers that can tell her the secret to achieving Dubrow wealth – or maybe she just loves Heather an awful lot?

Heather is annoyed that Sarah is going on and on like a broken record, yet not understanding how inappropriate her behavior was. Sarah retaliates by calling Heather “pretentious.” Heather, outraged, points for her to go off and get herself calmed down again. Sarah is stupefied and Alexis is piping up over her shoulder trying to tell Heather to lay off. It was ridiculous.

Next Week: Vicki and Tamra get into a huge fight over Brooks. Briana joins ranks against her mom. Sarah gets thrown out of Heather’s party.

THOUGHTS ON PART 1 OF THE SEASON FINALE? WAS SARAH RUDE OR DID HEATHER OVER-REACT? 

The Real Housewives of Orange County were on Dr. Oz recently, to talk about the one topic they are definitely experts on: plastic surgery! On last week’s episode, Tamra Barney removed her implants once and for all, and as we all know, Alexis Bellino is the first woman in the world to ever get a nose job. She must be commended for bravery!

Vicki Gunvalson, who just had a ton of work done in between the past two seasons, admitted to having “…a myriad of fillers, Botox, liposuction, and laser treatments” to In Touch Magazine. And that’s just what she’s fessing up to! On Dr. Oz, Tamra said “I’m sure we’re not owning everything we’ve had.” Along with 98% of women in Orange County, she had a nose job in her early twenties. Of her implant removal, she said, “I wanted the foreign object out of my body.” Funny, she said the same thing at her divorce proceedings from Simon!

Tamra also revealed that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that was a huge factor in her decision to get rid of the implants. Good for you, Tammy Sue! Tamra’s story arc has been so great: ridding herself of Simon, and then getting rid of the implants the men in her life love so much; standing up for herself and putting her own needs before men.

CLICK CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO READ THE REST!

Heather Dubrow, who refuses to admit to her obvious facial work (cheekbones and eyebrows just don’t DO that on their own), said “I think plastic surgery is a very personal thing, but you have to be an adult.” Was this another slam at Alexis’ freak out about her nose job? Or was she saying women should be 18 before getting work done? Heather is such an enigma.

Speaking of enigmas, what is the deal with Sarah Winchester, the plus one that will not go away? Besides the fact that Sarah cannot handle her booze? On her blog, Sarah says she was having a rough day: “I was in the middle of a rough relationship period and was pretty much in tears by the time I got to the bowling alley.” Nothing makes a rough day better like some booze!

She admits she should not have talked to Vicki, which proved to be a huge mistake:

Looking back, yes, that was a rookie move on my part to try to approach Vicki knowing she and Gretchen had just had a big blow out at the bunco party, but I had met Vicki before. She never seemed to have a problem with me, so I figured it was safe to have a seat next to her for a bit while we all ate. I was completely caught off-guard when I asked Vicki if I could talk to her for a minute just to be snapped at in return. In all fairness I could see where she might think that Gretchen sent me over to talk to her about their fight, but Gretchen knew nothing about why I went over to talk to Vicki nor did she even want me talking to her.

It’s too bad that Gretchen couldn’t find Sarah to stop her, but we all have to learn our own way. Speaking of Miss Gretchen Christine, she just did a photo shoot for REGARD Magazine, a few of my favorites are below. What do you think of the photos?

Gretchen smelled something funny. No more Taco Bell runs
for Slade!

This is how Gretchen takes all her important business meetings.

TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE WIVES’ PLASTIC SURGERY CONFESSIONS? DO YOU THINK THEY’VE ADMITTED TO ALL THE WORK THEY’VE HAD DONE?

This season viewers of the Real Housewives of Orange County have watched an emotional Tamra Barney juggle several changes in her life; from finalizing her divorce to Simon Barney to forming a friendship with Gretchen Rossi. I personally would have wondered if Tamra underwent a lobotomy if it weren’t for her omnipresent crass humor. It appears Tamra’s emotionally charged scenes, including her decision to get a breast reduction, stemmed from a cervical cancer scare!

The reality star recently did a sit-down on the The Dr. Oz Show (which will be airing this Thursday) where she shared about her health scare. “I was going through this divorce. I go to the doctor and I have lumps in my breasts and I had cervical cancer that had to be removed.”

Tamra reveals that the diagnosis initially caused “panic” but she decided to confront the situation immediately. “I really went through this like, ‘What is going on with my body? What is going on?’ I’m talking to my doctor about … doing a hysterectomy,” she confessed, “and I have lumps and I’m thinking, ‘Oh my god. I needed to take over my body.’ ” Tamra admits that is what led her decision to have her implants taken out. Wow! Best of luck to Tamra with her health.

Moving on, tonight Sarah Winchester will make an appearance on RHOC and she’s arriving guns blazing! The self-proclaimed Winchester Rifle heiress is billed as a friend of Gretchen and well, frankly girlfriend just screams g-r-i-f-t-e-r. I swear, Bravo seeks these people out intentionally.

Sarah takes issues with people thinking she is just a spoiled, little, hoochie looking for her fifteen-minutes and she wants you to know she works hard for her money. If you recall, Sarah had a rumored relationship with Shane Keough, but she refutes those rumors telling Cinderella’s Glass Closet that she was actually dating a man named Kurt who will be appearing with her this season.

Apparently Sarah isn’t a gold-digger and it was Kurt who insisted she leave her career to travel the globe with him. Wait – don’t heiresses have this thing called an inheritance? Guess not! Here’s Sarah’s illustrious career history: “I do want to state that just because my family history is rich- I am not living off of just their money. I started at McDonalds, and then went on to a law firm, and next a mortgage company. I want to send a message that it is important to work for what you have, and I have done exactly that. I love what I do and am supporting myself financially. I am not solely living off of my family’s money, and I do not live off rich men either.”

Sarah also clears up how she is related to the Winchester Rifle family – and it’s through marriage, not blood. “It is true that my great, great, great grandfather Oliver Winchester,” she explains. “However, I am not related by blood (only by marriage) to Sarah Winchester.”

Sarah insists she was actually initially hired to be a straight-up Housewife, but problems in her relationship derailed things and she opted to sign-on as a friend of the Housewife. Oh, and she only ever agreed to do the show to bring awareness to the charities she supports.

Moving on, the heiress talks tonight’s episode which will feature a show-down with Vicki Gunvalson. Taking to her Bravo blog, Sarah believes she and Vicki just got off on the wrong foot due to all the issues in their respective personal lives that they were both going through at the time.

“I sincerely wanted to find an opportunity to sit down with her to introduce myself and give Vicki my condolences on her condition, but from what I heard Vick’s walls were up, and the likeliness of Vicki meeting anyone halfway on an emotional level right now (including Gretchen and Slade [Smiley]) were slim to none,” she writes.

Finally, as we all know Vicki and Tamra have a wine club called WinesbyWives; which features wines of the month hand selected by them. When asked if she would be willing to feature fellow Housewife Teresa Giudice‘s Fabellini Wine, Vicki slammed the beverage telling In Touch Weekly she “doubted it was up to their standards.” Ouch! And really – Vicki and Tamra’s standards? Standards which include getting “naked wasted” and serving dinner out a plastic grocery bag? Seriously…

With all that drama just vomited on you poor readers, tonight marks an all-new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Heather Dubrow decides to host a bowling party to bring the ladies together and squash some of the burgeoning drama, except it has the opposite of desired effects when Vicki and Sarah get into a screaming match at the event!

Real Housewives of Orange County airs tonight at 9/10EST on Bravo!

THOUGHTS ON TAMRA’S NEWS? ARE YOU EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW SARAH BETTER?

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR A PREVIEW OF TONIGHT’S EPISODE!

On last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the secret of Brooks Ayers child support drama came to light, and Vicki Gunvalson reared her jealous-streak over the new friendship between Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossi.

Vicki is speaking out, and she claims she wasn’t jealous at all, and in fact, encouraged Tamra to put the nonsense with Gretchen to rest. Vicki does realize we’re watching the show, right? Vicki calls comments about her jealousy “just silly,” saying she is happy the two have mended fences. “I told Tamra last year, I had hoped that they could be at least cordial to one another and I encouraged her to stop all that nonsense.”

“To say I’m jealous is the farthest thing from my mind,” Vicki writes in her Bravo Blog. “I mean really. . .we are in our 40s. Why can’t we have many friends versus just one?”

And Vicki claims Tamra started isolating the other ladies to swoon over Gretchen. “I feel Tamra is the type of friend that focuses on one friend at a time, and then tends to find faults in the others to alienate them from the group,” Vicki says. “You can see that happening this year again. It seems every year she is mad at someone or trying to find fault in someone, which I just don’t understand.” Funny that Vicki is complaining about this when Tamra used to feel that way about her and Vicki loved it!

“I wish and pray that Tamra and Gretchen will have a friendship that will last a lifetime,” she concludes. “But to state publicly they are BFFs right out of the gate is a little odd. . .” Ah-greed, Vicki!

Moving on, Vicki takes issue with Slade and Gretchen’s reveal of Brooks’ child support issues, and she insists that he isn’t the deadbeat dad he plays on TV. Isn’t that what Slave has been saying all these years, which she dismissed as bull shitake? #hypocrite.

“I am saddened and appalled that Gretchen and Slade felt it important to bring Brooks child support issues up,” Vicki seethes. “First of all, if most of you remember I did not talk about Slade, his work, or child support issues at all last year. If you recall I actually publicly apologized for commenting on something that is so personal and none of my business.” Wait a second, I seem to remember her doing just that, both on the show, and the reunion. Roll the tape!

“I did not condone Tamra calling Grayson‘s mom when we were filming the reunion last year to discuss his personal and financial issues. It was NONE of my business or Tamra’s, and I found it terribly disrespectful and felt it crossed the line,” Vicki adds. “Now that I am dating Brooks, I guess Gretchen and Slade feel I’m a good target to hit because of Brooks’ past situation.”

And once again, she is defending Brooks! “Brooks children are his utmost priority in his life. It is for this reason that I respect and love him so immensely. PERIOD. He loves his children with all of his might and sees his children as much as possible.”

“He is not a deadbeat dad,” Vicki insists. “When the financial difficulty hit Brooks he more than made up in the other areas of their lives.”

“Brooks got behind in child support and was arrested. Neither Brooks nor I have denied that and it is terribly humiliating and embarrassing to him,” Vicki explains, adding that he had no intention of being in the public eye and dealing with this issue on camera. “Because Brooks is dating me (which equates to being on camera), he has had to publicly face the backlash from press and people, which he did not want.”

“I just want everyone to know that there are TWO sides to every story. Brooks is an amazing man and father, or I wouldn’t be with him. End of discussion.” Well, interesting… I think Vicki just wants a full love tank and nothing else matters!

Finally, Heather Dubrow has gotten off on the wrong foot with most of the ladies – and the audience. After coming across as “pretentious,” to quote Alexis Bellino, Heather is setting the record straight in a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter. Heather claims she’s anything but arrogant – she’s just misunderstood. Uh-huh.

“It’s very easy to listen to one comment and make a snap judgment,” Heather insists. “I’m actually very jokey, and on the show I tell this story about the way I got proposed to, but it’s a joke, I love my husband. You know I married him, not a ring, not a proposal, but it’s kind of a funny story.”

“You heard a piece of it, so if you don’t think it’s funny, and you think it’s pretentious, that’s all right. But in general I am not a pretentious person. I do like nice things, we do live in a great house, but I don’t choose my friends by how much money they have, or what labels they’re wearing.”

Apparently, it was Heather’s husband Terry Dubrow who encouraged her to do the show, citing his past participation in such reality shows as Bridalplasty. Yeah – horrible, I know. “He thought it would be fun, and he thought it would be good for me,” Heather explains. “He basically didn’t talk to me for two weeks until I said I’d do it.”

“It’s a great platform, I mean, I don’t know, I guess if you ask me if I think it’s a good idea if I did this show, ask me in four months. But I think in general, it was an opportunity, Terry and I discussed it, and we decided that the pros outweighed the cons.”

And if you’re expecting Heather to turn all Tamra-trashy – don’t! She doesn’t fly off the handle and go stark raving mad (until her second season when Bravo threatens not to renew her contract!), although she does lose it on alleged-grifter and friend of the Housewives Sarah Winchester. Yeah I can see that!

“I have more filters than the other girls do,” Heather believes. “Except for one person that I dealt with on the show, who was very irrational, I’m not a yeller. So even though I’m being vocal about it, I am not someone who’s going to get in your face. That’s not me. But, I will very clearly and concisely tell you how I feel.”

In the interview, Heather also talks about dealing with infertility. Heather has stated on the show that her fourth child was a “surprise” and further explains this by adding her daughter was also a miracle. “The truth is that I had three children by in vitro. I had a lot of, personally me, not [my husband], but me, I had a lot of fertility problems,” reveals Heather. “So to have a natural child was shocking, and I think I’m still a little shocked by the whole thing and I was ready to go back to work, my other three were in school full-time, and it really changed everything.”

Tonight is an all new episode of RHOC, and the ladies continue to figure out what’s going on between Gretchen and Tamra. (GretchRa? TamChen?) Alexis and Heather do lunch and things don’t go well, and Slave embarks upon his new comedy career. A preview of the new episode is below!

Real Housewives of Orange County airs tonight on Bravo at 9/8c.

IS VICKI JEALOUS OF TAMRA AND GRETCHEN’S FRIENDSHIP? DOES SHE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND BROOKS – OR IS THERE NO EXCUSE? IS HEATHER PRETENTIOUS OR IS SHE GETTING THE ARROGANT EDIT?

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR A PREVIEW OF TONIGHT’S EPISODE!

Things begin at Vicki‘s Cajun-themed dinner party where Peggy and Alexis face off over who is the boobiest, dumbest, and has the worst broken bone story! They tepidly make nice as they try to size each other up while peering over their enormous fake racks.

Apparently Peggy wanted to tell Alexis about her very vintage Jim experience, but Jim made her swear not to. When it was unearthed, Jim accused Peggy of stalking him and breaking into his house. Alexis being Alexis, decided it was exclusively Peggy’s fault that her husband didn’t deign to tell her about their fifteen year old relationship. Why wouldn’t Jim tell her from the get go and then they could laugh about it amongst friends? I sincerely doubt either Jim or Peggy wants to rekindle things.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO READ THE REST!

In fairness to Alexis, it’s a difficult situation. And someone has to take the heat – it’s easier to blame your friend than your husband. Poor Alexis was left feeling like more a fool than usual. When you marry for money, you earn every cent of credit card debt and forclosure!

After the awkward exchange, Peggy skitters away to emotionally eat with oddly rodent-y Sarah. Perhaps Sarah has no food at home and that’s why she is stealing it from Viks‘ kitchen? Vicki fills the girls in on her divorce, she and Donn communicate entirely via email while living in the same house. Apparently he is quite the ladies man! LLCD – Ladies Love Cool Donn!

Gretchen and Tamra advertise their new found friendship by fighting to stuff the same ol’ oyster in their mouths. Creepster. These girls bond in some funny ways. And Tams has never eaten an oyster? Vicki is wondering when all this friendsy crap happened and why no one informed her – because she’s in charge of everything!

Heather finally makes her presence known as more than the classy brunette in appropriate attire, when Sarah tells the story of her maybe, possibly, perhaps, not really engagement. Sarah got an “informal” proposal sans ring. Heather sets her straight – no monetary commitment, no engagement. Heather then regales the girls with her own engagement story, leaving them all speechless and bitterly gulping back their jealousy. Oh, the faces of Gretch and Lex.

Heather shows off her massive – as in bigger than Alexis’ boobs massive – push present. Heather explains she is married to a PS (plastic surgeon) and guess what – it’s an investment in her future! I knew she used that line ovah and ovah again! Heather is getting off on the wrong designer clad foot! Doesn’t she know she has to pretend to be trashy, crass, and broke to get in good with these biatches?

Vicki employs her version of Southern Hospitality by lecturing her guests and demanding they not fight – then she makes snide comments about Tammy Sue sitting next to Gretchy Poo. Trying to deflect from their burgeoning secret love affair, Tamra briefly reverts to her old accusatory ways by insisting Gretchen got her lips done. Um… duh… it’s only the miraculous results of Gretchen Christine Bootay Lip Plumper! Gretchen is upset that Tamra is pointing out the obvious, and states that you can’t take the trailer out of the trash. You also can’t take the Gretchen out of the dumb!

Dinner culminates with plastic bibs and trash bags full of food. No one is willing to dumpster dive for their supper and all the ladies make a big stinkin’ deal about how they’re not eating Vicki‘s food. We all know Alexis doesn’t eat anything scary, cause it makes her gag. I’ll let the obvious joke about Jim pass…

Speaking of gagging, Gretchen demonstrates eating crawfish with some disgusting tongue moves that have scarred me for life. Vicki is appalled by the poor manners of her guests, who are refusing to lighten up and try anything for fear of smudging their make-up. Vicki basically orders them away from the table, demands that they eat dessert, and go. Things turn awkward as Peggy and Alexis start passive aggressively sniping at each other.

Alexis decides to bail and Peggy breaks down into tears. Vicki and Tamra, surprisingly and maturely, counsel Peggy to try and consider things from Alexis’ point of view; they encourage Peggy to try and talk to Lex before she leaves. Alexis refuses to get into a conversation about their friendship, citing it’s Vicki’s party and they have both had some wine. Am I watching the right show? Both ladies agree to disagree that their friendship is null and void. Heather brings out the best in these girls!

According to Peggy no one can reason with Alexis because she is influenced by her toxic environment aka Jesus Jim, King of Her Heart. Apparently everyone in their (now former) friend circle feels Alexis has changed because of Jim’s manipulative and demanding ways. Vicki astutely points out that if Jim is such a good Christian man, with a dedication to honesty, he would have been truthful with his wife. Except we all know Jim’s about as true as a six dollar bill! And Lex is as dumb as a box of rocks. Delusional and dishonest does not a good combination make!

Peggy claims the anxiety of continuing on this show is too much for her, and she is removing herself from the cast. Good for her going out with class and leaving this trainwreck behind her.

We get a tour of Heather‘s house. This place is massive, enormous, and straight out of RHOBH! They can’t fit another bedroom in there? BS! Heather describes herself as the only Jewish Brunette in a sea of Shiksa Blondes. She met Terry on a blind date and it was love at first sight–for him–and love at second sight when she saw his assets. Challah bread, anyone?

Heather explains their mansion is located on Billionaire’s Row, their kids go to extremely expensive private schools, and basically they are richie-rich. Bragging much? They are also BudoJews – or Buddhist Jews, who love monograms. I kinda like Terry – corny jokes melt my heart!

Tamra and Eddie are headed to Catalina with Vicki and Brooks. It’s the Effing Catalina Wine Mixer, y’all! Tamra and Eddie are still going strong and are more in love each day. Vicki and Brooks… well, she’s still Vicki, full lovetank and all. Dang, does Vicks micromanage her man. He’s no Donn Gunvalson, telling Vicki where she can go with her ish!

Moving on to other women who micromanage their menfolk, Gretchen and Slave have dinner and debrief Vicki‘s party. Gretchen admits Alexis is unfairly placing all the blame on Peggy for the Jim-tuation – particularly since it was 15-years-ago! And you know people make mistakes – like Jo, she was a mistake, right Slave? Slave thinks Heather is jealous of Gretchen’s youth. Um… Heather is more attractive than prematurely aging, wannabe pageant queen, Gretchen! And Heather is married to a millionaire, where as Gretchen has…

We see a brief snippet of Alexis’ parenting… #nowords.

On the way to Catalina, Tamra picks up Vicki and Brooks in the eponymous Bravo limo. Tamz is excited to get to know Brooks better. To demonstrate who he really is, Brooks presents Vicki with a mushy card. Pukey pukifers! This is apparently a daily event and Vicki loves it because she is all about her! I’m with Tamra about the daily affirmations – overkill! Vicki’s love tank is gushing. Images that are gross = Vicki’s wet love tank. Why did I go there?!?!

Brooks further undoes his good points by mentioning that he wears Crocs. Yellow Crocs. While Brooks bends over backwards to show his love for Vicki, Eddie and Tamra are well past the honeymoon stage and into the farting and nose hair picking stage. Is nothing private to these people?

Gretchen is doing photoshoot for Breast Cancer Charity of America; Slave has tagged along to tote her pink entourage. Gretchen will be getting naked for charity, save for the cardboard Gretchen Christine Handbag she specially designed for the cause. At least she has a reason to be in naked pictures this time! Nonetheless, she is nervous about taking her top off. Why – we know she’s been there before!? #jayphotoglou. Gretchen is quite a sight without make-up! Now I know why she has a make-up line.

Gretchen explains Slave‘s role in her company their relationship is “research and development,” aka lab rat. Gretchen reminds Slave he’s still her bitch by emasculating him some more, and insisting he use a pink laptop while doing work for Gretchen Christine Enterprises. Isn’t Gretchen a little too old for the princess pink fetish? I love how humble Gretchen is… She must have learned that from hanging out with Alexis.

Meanwhile, back in Catalina, or almost-Catalina, as our favorite TV couples ride the ferry to doom, everyone is arguing about PDA while doing shots. Always a great combo! Brooks is trying to force Vicki to make out in public, but she is against it. Thank you Vicki for sparing us that horror.

Vicks reveals she tried to be celibate or monogamous, we’re not sure which, with Brooks, but it didn’t work out. Tamra breaks down how celibacy doesn’t work, with some subtle hand gestures. Thanks for that!

Tamra starts insisting everyone do a tequila shot and Vicki tries to demure, claiming she is not a big drinker. Uhhhh.. excuse me, Miss. Woo HOO; we’ve been watching your ass on TV for seven years. Who are you trying to fool?

Tequila shots is when everything starts to go horribly wrong… See after the shots, Vicki and Eddie start teasingly making fun of PDA’s and it was seriously, ridiculously silly and all in fun, albeit disgusting. But Tammy Sue, through her drunken haze, started reading too much into it and got all crazy, wild-eyed, jealous. Ain’t no bitch gonna take her man! So, Tamra grabs Brooks‘ hand and pulls it onto her boob. Brooks, to his credit, was repulsed and instantly tried to extract himself from so sleazy a situation. Class-EEEEEEEEEE.

The ferry grows silent and you could cut the tension with a knife as Eddie was furious, calling Tamra an idiot, and Tamra was fit to be tied. What away to ruin an evening, kids!

As they exit the ferry, Tamra and Eddie get into a big fight over who did the worse sleazy thing and Brooks and Vicki pretend not to be listening. Tamra demands that Eddie apologize. He refuses. C’mon guys, relax, be happy – it’s the Effing Catalina Wine Mixer! Where’s some Step Brothers action to break the tension when you need it?

Eddie is fuming, and Tamra – realizing that she is the one who acted like a twat, sobers up and regrets being so petulant. Oh, Tamra – don’t you ever change on me. I love you just the way you are! Trashy to the maximum and full of spunk!

Next week: The fight continues. Gretchen and Slave discover a little secret about Vicki and Brooks!

Watch What Happens Live: It’s a Millionaire Matchmaker edition in the Bravo Lovehouse with Patti Stanger! And Patti has toned it down just a tad; she’s still her abrasive, opinionated self, but she seems a bit calmer, no? Maybe she’s being on her best behavior to avoid pissing everyone off some more!

Patti starts out by giving advice on online dating. Then she’s up with Plead The Fifth, where she doesn’t plead. Was anyone expecting her to? Patti answers an emphatic NO when asked if she she has ever slept with any of her millionaires!

Patti sets Brandi Glanville up on a date with a surprise Bravolebrity who turns out to be… Angelo from Top Chef: DC and Top Chef All Stars! Brandi meets the notoriously arrogant chef at his restaurant, and he actually seems nervous to meet her! Cute. Patti thinks they will connect over food, and he is very family oriented. So, Angelo lives in NY and Brandi lives in LA – so how is that going to work? They had a great time and seemed to have a lot in common.

Brandi says the date was “great!” and they are still in contact. They actually had a date off camera later that same night, and they totally made out!

The game is PattiFoul! And a hairy back is not a deal breaker, neither is an extensive porn collection or one testicle! Sheesh, she has loooow standards. Forgetting Patti’s birthday is an absolute deal breaker; along with being indecisive and bragging about money. Patti wins a bedazzled nut cracker and she loves it, no surprise!

Patti claims every man wants a threesome or cock is on the clock, but as soon as you offer to get them one they are no longer interested. Patti has interesting opinions about a lot of things, needless to say. But she doesn’t seem to be offending Andy as much this time!

Chris Manzo is the next victim of Patti‘s matchmaking abilities! Chris is only 22 (!) and he is just looking for someone to have fun with. He looks old for 22. Katie seems like a really interesting girl – too interested for him! Also, I liked her dress. They both want to go out again. Say no to the annoying side, Katie!

Patti plays Slot at Love next. Fun game! Patti takes this pseudo-celebrity matchmaking very seriously, which is kinda fun! I really like JR, the second bartender. He’s fun. And you know what – Patti was pretty fun last night too.

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE – IS THE SEASON BETTER THAN YOU EXPECTED? SHOULD ALEXIS BLAME PEGGY OR JIM? DID TAMRA OVER-REACT TO EDDIE AND VICKI’S TOUCHY-FEELY MOMENT?

Last Tuesday marked the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County. Now in it’s seventh season, Bravo’s original Housewives series suffered from dismal ratings last year, but after shaking things up a bit, garnered about 2.3 million viewers last Tuesday – up 10% from last year’s season premiere.

Pretty impressive for a show most people swore they wouldn’t watch. I knew you would! Perhaps new Housewife Heather Dubrow, along with Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossi putting their feud to rest, is what attracted more viewers. Or maybe it was other newbie, Sarah Winchester who was bringing the curious?

Sarah, billed as a “Friend of the Housewives,” is a close friend of Gretchen’s and a self-proclaimed heir to the Winchester Rifle fortune. Sarah made her mark when she showed up at Vicki Gunvalson‘s season kickoff party in a pair of ratty, old jeans and hair she forgot to comb. It wasn’t a great first impression.

An even worse impression comes in the form of Sarah’s dating history – most prevalently that she has been crushing hardcore, and apparently having a fling, with former Housewife Jeana Keough‘s eldest son, Shane Keough.

Fans of the show may remember Shane for his straight-up a$$hole outbursts and blatant disregard for his mother – oh yeah and his baseball career. Well it seems Shane has been hooking up with the 33-year-old Sarah for about a year. “They’ve had a fling for over a year,” an insider revealed to Star Magazine. Shane, a former Minor League Baseball player, is eight years younger than Sarah. So, does that make her, like, a cougar?

Sarah’s alleged fling with Shane may make sense given Jeana’s guest appearance this season. Perhaps we’ll see Shane as well! I know you’ve missed him! Upon hearing the news that he is supposedly dating Sarah, Shane immediately denied it via Twitter, answering: “Nooooo<<Weird that I am unaware of this,” when a fan asked about it.

Sadly for Sarah, Shane (who isn’t even admitting to dating her) is a “major upgrade” from the “sleazy guys” she usually dates. Where on earth does Bravo find these classy women?! According to the insider, Sarah whose seeming more and more like a grifter by the minute usually gravitates towards the sugar daddy types!

“She was living off older men,” the insider explained. “She was flying to the Hamptons all the time, always seen court-side at Lakers games, yet she never worked.” Because she’s an heiress. #duh

Apparently, much like Gretchen scored her spot on the show through her affiliation to wealthy former fiance, Jeff Beitzel, Sarah attracted producers, not through Gretchen, but through one of her wealthy, older men! “This rich dude, Kurt,” the insider says, failing to elaborate on just how this “Kurt” is connected to honchos at Bravo. Kurt, a sixty-something Newport Beach businessman, is a former boyfriend of Sarah’s, whom she was able to parlay her relationship with into appearing on RHOC.

Moving on to other less scintillating Housewives news, Vicki opened up about the season premiere and wants us to know she’s a whole new gal! We’ll believe it when we see it, Vicks!

Reflecting on how far she has come since her inaugural season, she is glad Gretchen and Tamra have made amends and are working to put the past behind them, although, she was as shocked by their new friendship as viewers were! “Watching Gretchen and Tamra go to lunch and discuss their past issues was interesting to me. How can Gretchen just put the past behind her and simply forgive Tamra for all the hurt she has put her and Slade through? From what Gretchen has told me, it was easier to forgive then keep fighting,” Vicki explains in her Bravo Blog.

“Maybe that’s a lesson for all of us. I just don’t know if I could do have done it. While I was watching Tamra give Gretchen a friendship bracelet with a key on it and “locking up the past and entering a new future,” I thought WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!?”

Vicki, like Tamra, is really, really impressed by Heather. And Vicki thinks they have a lot in common. Sit down for this comment. “Tamra introduced Heather to our group by inviting her to my dinner party. When I met her, it was an immediate ‘Wow’ moment,” Vicki muses. “She was absolutely stunning, classy, and the only one who brought me a hostess gift. I liked her immediately and thought. . .’finally someone I can connect with.’ ” I thought Tamra was her BFFL?! What the heck?!

Vicki also talks that awkward moment when Alexis Bellino ran into her ex-friend whom she believes is secretly in love with her husband after they hooked up fifteen years ago. “I felt bad for Alexis tonight seeing Peggy [Tanous] walk in my dinner party. You could cut the air with a knife. The ended the season finale last year with such an uncomfortable situation with Alexis finding out Peggy dated Jim [Bellino]. How uncomfortable.”

Finally, Vicki gives us an update on her divorce to Donn Gunvalson. Vicki claims the two get along well. “Donn and I are at the final stages of settling our property and our divorce,” Vicki explains. “Donn is still active in my kids’ lives, and we are very amicable, which I am very grateful for. We truly want the best for each other, and realized we weren’t the best for one another.”

“As you will see this year, I am dating a great man named Brooks [Ayers]. He has become my best friend, my true partner, and someone that I really enjoy being with,” she concludes, reminding us that this will be a great season. I hope so!

SURPRISED BY THE RATINGS? DO YOU THINK SHANE AND SARAH ARE HOOKING UP? IS SARAH A GRIFTER OR DO YOU THINK SHE REALLY IS AN HEIRESS? ARE VICKI AND TAMRA STILL FRIENDS OR HAVE THEY “BROKEN UP”?