Scheana Marie

Vanderpump Rules

One of my favorite thing about the start of new Real Housewives seasons is the revelation of the stars tag lines in the show introductions. It sets the tone for the season and hints at what we can expect from the cast members. That’s why I wish the Vanderpump Rules cast had tag lines each season.

Unfortunately, I have zero power at Bravo, but I put a lot of thought into this and came up with some ideas in case Andy Cohen, or whoever else is important at the network, wants to borrow some of my words for inspiration.

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Katie and Scheana fight

You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to dress in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?

Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!

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scheana-marie

Watch What Happens Live was a love fest last night. Scheana Marie gushed over her misunderstood mean girl BFFs, explaining that we only see a small snippet of her friends and they are really good people! But do not expect any straight answers about her new boyfriend. Only Lala Kent is not allowed to keep things hush-hush. Marissa Hermer weighed in on all things Ladies of London and so much more!

Marissa, who now lives in the L.A. area, says she’s going to SUR next week and hopes to meet Lisa Vanderpump one of these days.

James

Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.

Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.

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stassi-schroeder-scheana-marie-wwhl

As naive as this sounds, I was actually pretty surprised when Scheana Marie Shay and Mike Shay announced that they were getting divorced after just two years of marriage. Sure, they weren’t the strongest reality TV couple, but Scheana was always all about her marriage, so I figured it would last longer. Scheana’s off-again-on-again friend Stassi Schroeder claims that she did see the split coming and that she noticed a “red flag” before they officially broke up.

I’m not sure if Stassi noticed the “red flag” at the time, or if it was more of a “hindsight is 20/20” situation. Either way, as a complete outsider, I have to say that I noticed the same thing while I watched this season of Vanderpump Rules. Still, I can’t tell if it’s something I would have genuinely noticed on my own or if it’s just a case of confirmation bias on part. Either way, these two are dunzo and it was actually pretty obvious.

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julie montagu

Well you know how a good reality star can never get enough camera time! In this week’s roundup of photos Phaedra Parks supports the Atlanta Falcons, Leah Messer swears she’s gotten her act together, and Brandi Glanville gets intimate.

Above, Julie Montagu demonstrates how to deal with the Mondays. The Ladies Of London star wrote, “HOW TO BEAT BLUE MONDAY”

“Monday is the least favourite day of the week for many people,” continued Julie, “But Blue Monday… well, it’s considered the worst Monday of them all. The party season is over, we may have already broken our resolutions, our bank account is in the red, and if you live in a cold climate for the month of January… the grey days don’t help either. Blue Monday is considered the most depressing day of the year. Yikes.”

Below you’ll find Kathryn Dennis dealing with her own blues, and more!

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Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval on WWHL

Ariana Madix must feel like a kindergarten teacher most days – you know, that moment when you look around and notice that you are literally the ONLY adult in the room? Despite this phenomenon, the Vanderpump Rules star says she’s been fairly happy with how this season has gone thus far, and with the fan feedback she’s been getting. But she does warn that things are about to get crazier (than usual?) during the second half of season five – and that she’ll inevitably get caught up in the madness.

Of the mid-season VPR trailer released this week, Ariana says, “It looks really intense. It’s funny, because everything has been pretty good so far, but now I’m getting kind of nervous for the rest of the season. It’s really ramping up.”

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