After all Lisa Vanderpump has done for ungrateful little wench Stassi Schroeder, she is furious that the former waitress turned wannabe grownup is insulting both her and SUR!
I don’t know why Lisa is surprised that Stassi is a self-righteous, egotistical, entitled brat – she’s been like that from her first minutes on Vanderpump Rules, but this season as Stassi has no storyline and is basically just roaming around the streets of LA interjecting into matters of SURver’s hearts for camera time, and Stassi is still complaining! Well, in fairness she doesn’t really have much else to do… except for that invisible boyfriend!
Lisa recently commented on Stassi having a hard time accepting that she’s no longer relevant at SUR. “I think Stassi’s attidue is slightly ridiculous. I mean she comes in here now like Grace Kelly,” she said in her vlog. “Just a year ago, these were her best friends. She was the leader of this pack and suddenly not one of them is good enough for her?”
Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachersAriana’s bar).
Now both Kristen and Scheana exonerate themselves from involvement. Kritter says say Jax is lying. But of course! And Scheana says Kritter is lying. But of course!
In retrospect, Kristen says she should have “blocked” the information about Katie “motorboating” from Jax and Scheana, but you know – gossip, drama, scandal, camera time, attention: OMG Kristen neeeeeds it! “In hindsight, those two gossip queens probably teamed up to create the rumor together,” Kritter asserts, as she accuses Scheana of then “backpedaling” when she was caught in the middle of rumor-mongering.
Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.
Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!
In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from this week. Enjoy!
Above: LeAnn & Eddie star LeAnn Rimes shared, “Kisses. #OneChristmas #OneLove #hothubby #goodtimes #Rockefeller #RockMyFella.”
Throwing shade at Lisa, and also her new enemy Kyle Richards, Brandi also compares herself to Yolanda Foster‘s middle daughter Bella. I’m sure Yo just loooooves that and considers it a real compliment! Right now Yolanda is rocking and sobbing on the star deck of private space shuttle, hovering over the rings of Saturn, clutching a lemon and sobbing, “Where did I go wrong?! Are you there My Love, it’s me YoFridgidaire…”
Anyway, back to Brandi because this is supposed to be about her. “Watching Yolanda with Bella, I feel I have a special connection with her, because like her, I too am a middle child with an older sister and a younger brother. We are not the firstborns, and we are not the babies,” the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star reflects. “I feel, much like her, I am a bit of a rebel and don’t like it when people try and tell me what to do. I’m sure Bella will find her fair share of trouble as she grows into a strong woman, but I also know she will come out on top in the end, because us middle children are built tough.”
On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it. Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from this week. Enjoy.