Something curious has happened to Tom 1 over the course of Vanderpump Rules. He's grown from a boy to a man. He has freed himself from the shackles of Kristen Doute's psychotic tyranny and Stassi Schroeder's emotional manipulations and terrible party planning. He has flourished from a sad, aimless emotional wrecking ball to a proud manish metrosexual.
Last night Tom 1 let his anger roar as he took down Stassi, put Kristen in her place, and practically ground Jax Taylor's aging meathead under his boot heel. And never did a hair bend out of shape! Is Ariana Madix responsible for this surge in testosterone – as if releasing himself from Kristen has allowed Tom 1's poor shriveled manliness to blossom Phoenix-style.
Whatever – I was impressed. Take no prisoners Tom. Actually, no, do take Jax prisoner and lock him away from the rest of us because boy deserves to do hard time not these puny 'you can keep your designer sweater' jail stints!
Good gravy, Scheana Marie is quite a piece of work. The Vanderpump Rules waitress and sometimes pop star wannabe has certainly gotten down the rules of Bravolebrity as she dishes on her upcoming wedding. Will it be televised? Scheana hopes so! Someone call Andy Cohen!
Of course, Scheana is smart enough to know (did I just type that?) to scoff at the idea of a wedding spin-off…nice way to beat the network to the punch of NOT asking you to have one! In the wise words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
So, were y'all glued to the first half of the Vanderpump Rulesreunion like I was on Monday? Team U.S.A. who? Kidding!(?) I mean, season one, meh, season two, I'm an addict! Here are some things that I now know to be true (besides the obvious "Kristen Doute is totally insane" diatribe): Katie Maloney looks much better as a brunette (welcome back!), she's not featured enough on the show, and she is incredibly well-spoken. I'd also add that's she's a horrible drunk, but she addresses that ever so astutely in her Bravo blog this week. It's kind of long, so I left out her very level and kind words for Scheana Marie'shosting career and her opinions on Jax Taylor's sex addiction. However, I made sure to touch on her thoughts on her friendship with Stassi Schroeder and Kristen and Tom Sandoval's crazy dysfunctional relationship, . Seriously, am I the only one who is surprised by the level of maturity in Katie's blog?
She begins, "After everything that's happened, I don't think the vibe is any better at SUR. It's just different. Obviously with all the time that has past its allowed the dust to settle and lift the tension from the air. Whether or not Stassi was still working at SUR or not, it would still be the same. The dynamic has shifted big time and relationships have changed all for the better. I am thankful that all of us are able to be cordial and still work along side one another."
“She is crazy… I don’t know what’s up her a–,” Scheanatold Radar Online. As for the accusation that she flirted with JR, Scheana states Brandi was too drunk to know who JR even was! “Brandi was really drunk that night, so maybe she thought something happened that really didn’t. I had a two second encounter with her date…. Trust me, if I was flirting with her date the entire night, the cameras would have caught it and Bravo would have aired it.” I have to agree with Scheana there!
Last night's Vanderpump Rules reunion only "surved" to prove that Kristen Doute is totally, certifiable, crazypants! Like, absolutely so! I believe Ariana Madix described it as "borderline personality disorder," and while Ariana is by no means a doctor (oh God no!) working at SUR she's certainly come into contact with her fair share of insanity.
So, Tom 1 is still not over the total sham that was his five-year flirtation with the devil because one never gets over something like that – luckily Ariana is helping him cope, Kristen needs help, Stassi Schroeder quit SUR without notice and likely quit the show, Jax Taylor admits to hooking up with married women and pretends he's over Stassi. Katie Maloney was predictable basically not there except to be Stassi's Anonymous Sycophant No 1, Peter Madrigal was unfortunately not there (WAAAH!), and Scheana Marie has turned into a Kardashian. Lisa Vanderpump was annoyed with all of them.
K – see you next season!
Kidding, Kidding… I've got to recap this joint! Andy Cohen was also present and he was so giddy he needed an adult diaper because he was peeing himself with glee. It was… disturbing.
“On our show, there are certain people who want to project this perfect persona like there’s nothing wrong in the world,” Brandi said. “Like Lisa Vanderpump used to live deep in the Valley and was filing for bankruptcy — and she doesn’t want to talk about that. That’s interesting to me.”
Exactly what is wrong with being broke, working hard to earn money, and then moving up? If Lisa got herself out of bankruptcy and is now financially solvent how is that anyone's business? Oh is because Lisa didn't act like a complete trashbox in the process like Drunki?
Sigh. Grasping at cocktail straw, Brandi, grasping at cocktail straws and slurping up alll the vodka.
Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!
Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.
Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there.
Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy.
"Mostly, they bum around Los Angeles sleeping with each other’s partners, drinking too much and squabbling endlessly, but at the end of the day, they’re all just lost kids with failed dreams who work in the service industry and happen to be trailed by a production crew."
This line is from a recent Time article, and may I say that it's pure genius and totally accurate. That's right, we're getting high-brow up in here! The piece is on the crew from Vanderpump Rules and seeks to explain viewers' fascination with mean girl Stassi Schroeder, man whore Jax Taylor, and the rest of Lisa Vanderpump's attractive SUR minions. It's certainly my guilty pleasure and last night's finale was everything I hoped for and more!