Brandi starts with her visit to Yolanda, “I went to see Yolanda for a visit at her place after spending a couple months in NYC doing Celebrity Apprentice and really having been unable to keep in touch with anyone. I arrived home from NYC to our house lease that was up and only one day to move my entire family out of our house, having not yet found a new place to live. It was a very stressful time, but I knew I could handle it, and I did.. Welcome to three months of the boys and I being gypsies.”
Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great – I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”).
Oh Vanderpump Rules never fails to disappoint does it!? And last night Peter Madrigal was allll riled up, which is HOTTT times a million. I digress. The important things were that in the battle of the girly-men, Tom Sandoval got his false eyelashes ripped off and his delicate constitution bruised, and James Kennedy got his size 23 skinny jeans protected by Kristen Doute, who was punching the beglitter out of Tom 1. Pent up rage, anyone?
Tom Schwartz, well he tried in vain (“vain” being the operative word) to break things up, but OMG – his hair! His pearly, flawless skin! His modeling career.
Scheana Marie Almost Famous just released her latest single, “Shake That” which is an homage to her idol Britney Spears. Scheana also recreated a famous Britney cover from her album Britney Jean, by using neon graphics against a black and white headshot.
“I’m really happy with how it came out,” Scheana gushed. “It’s my favorite song I’ve done so far. How can I top it?” Oh I don’t know, unless auto tune comes out with a newer version!
“I sincerely cannot believe that Slade pulled this off last night,” Gretchen wrote on Instagram. “I mean to say I had NO idea is an understatement! So many of my sweet friends came to surprise and celebrate me! I’m still on cloud nine!”
“Now @sladesmiley I’m going to kill you because no one has ever been able to keep me out of the loop like that before and surprise me that well! Oh and also because I put my hair in a side braid cause I was tired from my photoshoot and did not want to restyle my hair. Not cute buddy. And you had my mom trick me too! Best Birthday in a long time!!” See photos from Gretchen‘s party below.
Tom 1 instantly denied the allegation, Ariana did as well, claiming that she knew all along this girl had hung out with Tom, and his co-stars Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz during a promotional trip in Miami. And that nothing went on, despite Kristen’s attempts. Kristen and Tom 1 are still together and still seem happy!
“I won’t name names, because that is not polite, but who are these weirdos talking to Scheana about Tom and I who don’t even know us?” Ariana wonders. “A conversation between Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 does not ‘hard proof’ make. ‘Texts to prove it’? I saw those texts months prior and I have more scandalous sounding conversations with my manager. ‘Selfies’? You mean one photo on a scooter at a gas station that was taken by Schwartz and sent to multiple people? Someone is using the ‘say something a bunch of times’ method of trying to make something true.”
Remember how last season on Vanderpump Rules everyone busted Kristen Doute‘s thongbutt for cheating on Tom 1? Well this season she’s accusing him of cheating on new girlfriend Ariana Madix. I dunno kids – it seems kinda transparent to me, like Kristen just wants Tom 1 all to herself and back in her thong-th-thong-thong-thong! (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing up thongs, it’s cause Bravo gave us a lovely shot of Kristen’s thong butt).
This season everyone on VPR has undergone metamorphosis after the insane betrayals and they’ve grown. Except for Kristen. She’s stayed the same. Well, maybe she’s grown more crazy – we’ll wait on assessing that.
Kristen is supposedly madly in love with 22-year-old Baby Einstein (Slowstein? He ain’t sharp) DJ James Kennedy, who is trying awfully hard to get some attention on this here TeeVee thingy. First he tried to be besties with Tom 1, but when that didn’t get his pale, pastiness on camera, he decided screwing the desperate and maligned Kristen would have to suffice. Other than famewhoring, James enjoys BeamerSelfies. We’ll get to that later. So anyway, everyone has learned. Everyone has grown.