Everyone starts a new year with good intentions, right? Even reality stars! While I'm sure they all have a bevy of things they'd like to improve upon (one would hope!) we thought we'd give them a little help in that department. Below are some of the New Year's Resolutions we wish some of our favorite reality stars would make.
Kim Kardashian: 'Please let my mom leave me alone – I resolve to try and say no to her and stop putting all my embarrassing and indecent moments on TV. I really don't want to have to pull a baby out of my vagina on Keeping Up With The Kardashians like Kourtney did. Does being pregnant mean my child has already sold its soul to E!? I hope not. And I resolve to let being pregnant get more media coverage than that icky divorce. Hopefully my next TV wedding will be less of a mess.'
We really, really hope ol' Kimmie Kakes embraces the notion of privacy. Especially less nudie pics on Twitter and less revealing clothing. We've already seen it all, anyway. #sextape #playboy
Shocking news, y'all! I know you are going to be floored when you hear this…because it totally wasn't anything you were expecting to hear! Basketball Wives star Tami Roman is claiming that the fifth season will stay away from lady drama and focus on the women's families. Did you ever think you'd hear that announcement? Shaunie O'Neal's PR people must be working overtime. These girls must think their fan base is totally idiotic.
Let's get this straight, we have four seasons of bottle throwing, weave pulling, bad press, and negative viewer response, and we're all just supposed to forget about it because now your focusing on families? It's a brilliant marketing ploy if I've ever heard one…if the watchers of BBW were ten years old! Am I being too harsh?
Holy majoley! I wonder how much Shaunie O'Neal pays her minions on Basketball Wives. Former star Royce Reed (who got the ax from the upcoming season) apparently didn't make much, although that makes sense considering Shaunie couldn't stand her anyway.
Royce and her ex-boyfriend are now embroiled in a bitter custody dispute, and she's asked the judge to have her son's father pay her legal fees because she can't afford to play hardball like he can. Of course, her ex is NBA star Dwight Howard who reportedly makes millions each MONTH (!!!), so it's no shocker that her BBW earnings would pale in comparison.
Oh my. This is good. I mean, when I say this is good, y'all, this. Is. Good. It speaks volumes to the characters of the women from the original Basketball Wives. VOLUMES! As you know, Shaunie "Nostrils" O'Neal, after a face-saving attempt to seek counseling from her pastor at the end of last season to end the show's violent ways, is bringing back her two explosive, bullying best friends Evelyn Lozada and Tami Roman.
Evelyn and Tami want to use the fifth season for redemption after all of their heinous behavior in seasons past. Well, they are off to a great start, I tell you! The two ladies are hoping to revamp their images, and Shaunie and Suzie "Both Sides of her Mouth" Ketcham are also along for the ride. Guess how the four ladies are planning to show that they've changed for the better?? Why, they're planning a walk out if they don't get their salaries hiked! They truly have changed.
Can I get a slow clap for Shaunie O'Neal? She said she was going to clean up the violence and drama on Basketball Wives, and by God, she's going to deliver. Oh wait. Nevermind. Instead, Ms. Nostrils O'Neal fired the calm ladies and kept her violent, bullying friends for the fifth season. They say they want to redeem themselves. I think Kenya Bell needs to duck!
That's right, folks! Both wine bottle tossing, table jumping Evelyn Lozada and purse snatching, in-your-face screaming Tami Roman will be back for another round. Apparently, they've "grown" in light of recent circumstances and deserve a fifth second chance. Tami suffered a mild heart attack, so she has a new lease on life, while Evelyn had a short-lived marriage that ended in a head butt from Chad Johnson, so surely she's learned that violence isn't the answer. Right? Hello? Anyone believe that?
Another day, another Basketball Wives LA casting rumor! Seeing as Shaunie "Nostrils" O'Neal has several spots to fill, I'm sure it won't be the last gossip we hear about women who may be making an appearance. We've heard multiple things about a casting shake-up among the ladies, with the most recent being that only Jackie Christie and Draya Michele will be returning. That should be entertaining to watch…of course, anything would be more entertaining than the current season! It's now being speculated that Karrine Steffans will be joining the as yet unknown cast. She better prepare herself though…we all know the newbies never last. She needs to get on boss Jackie's good side fast.
I don't know about y'all, but I predict that two seasons from now, this show will actually become The Jackie Christie Show, name change and all. If I'm right, mark my words, the entire season will be vow renewals, Jackie dressing in slutty pirate Halloween costumes for family gatherings, and her participating in poetry slams. The poetry slam part is key, given that she won't have any other cast mates with which to interact. In all honesty, I would much rather watch Wacky Jackie in beret doing beatnik spoken word open mic nights than watch these ladies continue to meet up for coffee/lunch/cocktails/martial arts. Am I the only one?
Happy Election Day, dear readers! Since everyone is in a voting state of mind we decided to have a little fun on this ever-so important day. Reality TV stars are always campaigning for favoritism (and sometimes buying their fans on twitter), so we got wondering, what stars could we – in our wildest dreams – see make it to the White House?
So cast your ballot for one of these fair candidates below. And remember this is all in fun so keep it funny, snarky, and apolitical!
3. Abby Lee Miller: She will frighten and intimidate foreign leaders into staying in line – or else!
4. Donald Trump: Our national embarrassment (that hair!) might as well take it all the way. Plus, he could hopefully pay for his own campaign.
5. Shaunie O'Neal: The HBIC of Basketball Wives knows how to dodge flying wine bottles, flinging insults, and a whole host of unruly people with a half-smile. I think she could whip congress into shape without so much as smudging her lipstick!
Well, it's Hurricane Sandy out there. I've already hunkered down with chicken wing dip and a vain hope that I won't lose power or internet while the winds howl wildly. And I'm not the only one, plenty of reality stars are stranded on the east coast trying to brave the hurricane.
We hope everyone is safe and in a comfortable place to ride out the storm!