Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!
Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.
Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth. Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!
Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…
So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?
Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?
Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.
Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!
Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.
Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!
Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.
Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor…. Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.
Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.
Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.
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Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.
Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.
Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).
Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?
One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.
Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.
Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.
Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.
Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!
Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?
Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.
Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.
And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.
At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.
Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.
Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.
He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.
Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.
Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!
Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.
And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.
Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.
Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!
I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!
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Slade Smiley continues to believe that ex-girlfriend Michelle Arroyo is behind the red carpet attack he was subjected to last week over unpaid child support for son Grayson. And he blames this whole child support debacle on a certain co-star of his girlfriend!
Slade is furious that despite court documents and mugshots, people are making things up about his child support issues and he blames the show! “There are serious repercussions [for] the individuals who say things in the show,” Slade fumed to The Huffington Post. “People accuse me of not paying child support for my cancer-stricken son … This year, the women that said that apologized for it, but the damage has been done and it can be a very difficult space to navigate.” I’m assuming he’s talking about Tamra Barney exposing his child support dilemmas on air.
Gretchen Rossi is sympathetic to Slade’s plight, being the brunt of Tamra’s attacks herself. “Obviously, when Tamra accused me of cheating on my dying fiancé, that was harsh.”
Here is just the very thing; if Slade doesn’t want people talking about him, and knowing all his business, and making accusations against him then perhaps he should leave reality TV. Oh, what am I saying…
And hilariously, Slade insists that he doesn’t consider himself or Gretchen celebs! That’s a sentiment of his I completely agree with. “We don’t like to think that we are celebrities, because it is very fleeting,” he explained earlier of appearing on Real Housewives of Orange County with Gretchen. “But it does allow us to expose some of the business ventures that have come of this.”
“If you are the star of the show, you are probably a hot mess,” Gretchen added. “Think about it! They are flipping tables and pulling wigs.” Or, not paying child support, or getting arrested, or being the subject of lawsuits and restraining orders, and refusing to stay out of the public eye even though their life is a disaster…
THOUGHTS ON SLADE’S STATEMENT THAT TAMRA’S ON-AIR COMMENTS CAUSED HIS CHILD SUPPORT WOES TO BE MADE PUBLIC? SHOULD SLADE LEAVE REALITY TELEVISION?
Just in case you thought Slade Smiley couldn’t get any worse than being a hundred thousand dollars remiss on child support owed to his extremely ill son, Slade is now accusing his ex-girlfriend Michelle Arroyo of hiring the bill collector that attacked him on the red carpet last week. Just typing this sentence makes my blood boil!
Speaking to TMZ, Slade’s attorney directly accuses Michelle of being behind the incident! “It appears this whole thing was staged and created by Miss Arroyo who is obviously looking for attention.” That’s a bit rich coming from Slade, Mr. Reality Whore, himself!
“Slade is not a deadbeat dad and is making timely payments,” his attorney adds. “We will be looking into this further and if Miss Arroyo did hire these clowns to harass Slade we will exercise all our rights including a restraining order if necessary.” Oh, please!
Michelle has very seldom spoken out against Slade and has very rarely made any negative comments about his invisible style of parenting. Michelle even went to bat for Slade after said incident, confirming that the back support amount Slade owes for their son Grayson had been reduced to $95,000 and that Slade has been keeping up with the current payments of $775.00 per month.
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While out last night at an event with beau/alleged future fiance Slade Smiley, a man who calls himself a bill collector walked up to the couple and started insulting Slade!
The reason? It was all over the huge amount of unpaid child support Slade owes to the mother of his son, Michelle Arroyo. Slade and Michelle’s son is 11-year-old Grayson Smiley, who has been battling brain cancer since age six.
Right after the duo stepped off the red carpet after posing for photos, the very angry bill collector walked up to them and yelled at Slade, “Pay your child support! Your son has cancer.”
Slade and Gretchen appeared taken aback as the duo tried to enter their vehicle, with Gretchen asking the man: “What is wrong with you?” In the video, the collector man repeatedly says Slade owes $160,000, though Michelle herself tells TMZ the number is around $130,000, which she has now agreed to have reduced to $95,000 in a recent court hearing.
The only good news in this is that Michelle confirms Slade is now paying her child support in the form of $775 per month.
The video of all the drama is below!
[Photo Credit: Michael Williams/Startraksphoto.com]
TELL US – THOUGHTS? SHOULD GRETCHEN LEAVE SLADE? WAS THE BILL COLLECTOR OUT OF LINE OR DID SLADE HAVE THIS COMING?
Days after a story leaked, claiming Gretchen told tabloids that Tamra and now fiancé Eddie Judge got engaged after Bravo paid for both a ring and a luxury vacation to film the proposal, both ladies are defending themselves against the allegations. First up, is Gretchen who adamantly denies any involvement in so-called tabloid tattling!
Speaking to CNN news, of all places, Gretchen claims everyone wants the fight between Tamra and herself to continue! “I think because Tamra and I have been at each other’s necks the last few years,” Gretchen claims. “I mean, bottom line, the audience likes the fight, to think that Tamra and I are at each other’s necks angry at each other.”
“[And] I think a lot of people were expecting an engagement between Slade [Smiley] and I and when that didn’t happen and all of a sudden Tamra’s engaged, I think that the press just made this up.” That’s an interesting assessment – are that many people really dying for Gretchen and Slave to tie the knot, because frankly, I think most of us couldn’t care less!
Gretchen claims that not only is she thrilled beyond belief for her new friend, she is planning the bachelorette party! “For goodness sakes, I went out to dinner with her and Eddie and Terry and Heather and we celebrated the engagement and I’m gonna throw the bachelorette and Heather’s gonna throw the bridal shower!;” Gretchen insists. “If I actually believed it’s a sham, why would I offer to throw the bachelorette party?”
“It’s disappointing; we know the truth, we know what’s going on,” Gretchen says, adding that the media is spinning it out of control. You can see the video of Gretchen defending herself below!
Unfortunately for Gretchen, Tamra doesn’t seem to exonerate her from involvement in the story – nor is she confirming any news of bachelorette parties! Instead, she is talking wedding plans and while there are none until next season she is thrilled to be engaged! “Proposing to me in Bora Bora was a huge surprise and the most romantic trip of my life,” Tamra tells RumorFix. “We have no wedding date or plans set, but we are thinking about having a destination wedding somewhere fabulous.”
“Regarding the recent report on TMZ article. I find it hurtful and vicious for someone to make up such horrible lies about my engagement,” she fumes. “To try and take away from my happiness is just down right mean.”
And she is completely insistent that Bravo had nothing to do with the most romantic day of her life! “Bravo does not control my life and my love can not be bought or manipulated by them or anyone else.” You know what, I kind of believe her!
Moving right along, Vicki Gunvalson is talking about herself again. No, just kidding… Vicki is talking how being a Housewife has changed over the years – and she blames the inclusion of younger ladies into the mix. And Vicki prefers the old way of doing things!
“I was one of the youngest cast members and now I’m the oldest,” Vicki shares. In the beginning, “We weren’t fighting, we were just talking about our lives, raising kids,” Vicki tells The Huffington Post.
Vicki believes in order to amp up drama, the producers started matriculating younger, less settled, and more fame hungry girls into the cast. “They are bringing in the girls 16 years younger. Hello,” she claims. “I think the producers wanted to sexercise it so we got the younger girls, but its okay, just more fights.” I assume Vicki is referring to Gretchen and her grifter-buddy Sarah Winchester, who has barely been on screen so far – much to my delight!
Interestingly, Vicki says the shift in the show’s dynamic has been hurtful to her insurance business; which she still maintains is her primary job. “Yes, absolutely it does hurt business,” Vicki confirms. “I have to be very careful of what I say and how my temper shows and I really try to control all drinking on camera because I’m not a big drinker anyway, but they sensationalize it. [They] Make them think you are drinking more than you are when you’re not drinking that much.”
While Vicki insists the producers don’t force the drama–they just cast accordingly–apparently it’s working! Or maybe not. NBC is reporting that the seventh season of RHOC is gearing up to be the series’ highest rated season yet. Which is ironic, considering new addition Heather is in her forties and hardly the youngest of the bunch. Also interesting, it is the OG’s Vicki, Tamra, and Gretchen who are causing the most trouble this season!
New episodes of the show are averaging about 2 million viewers and ratings are up 10% from last season, according to the Nielsen Ratings. Tuesday night’s mainly dramaless episode garnered a whopping 1.36 million adult viewers aged 18-49 and was the most watched episode of the season since the premiere. Apparently, people really want to see Vicki and Gretchen throw down over Slave Slimey!
I have to say, although the drama is exciting, I preferred earlier seasons of the shows where the fights seemed less forced and were less often. I agree, recent seasons of Housewives of all varieties have become increasingly low-brow and trashy. If I wanted all that nonsense I’d tune into Bad Girls Club! But maybe, the majority of viewers prefer the over-the-top behavior and non-stop bickering. What do you think?
SO – DID GRETCHEN LEAK THE STORY TO THE TABLOIDS OR NOT? ARE YOU SURPRISED SHE’S THROWING THE BACHELORETTE? IS VICKI RIGHT THAT YOUNGER HOUSEWIVES HAVE AMPED UP THE DRAMA AND TRASHED UP THE SHOW? THOUGHTS ON THE RATINGS?
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO WATCH SEE GRETCHEN’S CNN INTERVIEW!