Last night on MTV Real World Spring Break, oh… errrr…Oops! I mean Middle-Aged (Wannabe) Girls Gone Wild. Oh… danggit – I mean Real Housewives of New York! There we go, that's the right show. Anyway, last night on RHONY the battle between Turtletime and Hurricane Aviva continued to rage. I think we're going to have to declare this one a draw because both these crazies went in circles like a typhoon and I don't think anything was resolved!
So things begin with a little bitching and arguing over what else – girls trip vs. couple's retreat. What about therapeutic retreat? Why didn't Bravo call in some therapists to assist with the lunacy and sit everyone down for a good ol' " I feel" session followed by some team building exercises?
Over breakfast, Reid and Russ are present and this is not acceptable. A clearly hung-over Sonja Morgan is shoveling in the food at warp speed and complaining about being called white trash. Pinot Singer and Sonja try to "pretend" they have no idea what that even means and hop on Google for a little investigative research. They get on dictionary.com and are most surprised to find a photo of themselves right next to the description. Oh, that can't be because White Trash means "poor" and they are not poor. They are just bankrupt and married to (or divorced from) money. Then someone distracts them by yelling wine and they decide oh, well at least White Trash means you're nice and it doesn't have anything to do with being inhospitable anyway.
LuAnn de Lesseps has been in the spotlight a lot recently – for all the wrong reasons! The Real Housewives of New York star has been accused of cheating on camera with a very dashing young pirate. LuAnn emphatically denies that any sort of misdeeds took place, but sometimes the lady doth protests too much!
In a new interview with the Miami New Times, LuAnn discusses the alleged cheating and how this season has been different with Jill Zarin and Alex McCord out of the picture!
"I was really, really sad about that," LuAnn says of learning Jill was fired. "Jill is the one that got me on the show. I met Jill and she said, 'I think you would be perfect!' I really miss Jill and Kelly [Bensimon]. Alex and Simon [van Kempen] I could live without." The feelings must be mutual as Simon recently did an interview in which he openly wondered if LuAnn was a "liar" or a "slut!"
Well last Monday's episode of Real Housewives of New York was a treat wasn't it? It had fights, alleged anal sex, bikini grinding, nudity, cougar pawing, drunken antics – and yeah, nope – It wasn't a porno!
Anyway, one person (besides myself) who hasn't recovered from the horrors is Aviva Drescher who showed up on St. Barths with her temper set to 11 (10 points for anyone who gets the Spinal Tap reference). Speaking to The Huffington Post, Aviva shares her perspective on the incidents months later. And she's still pissed!
"I’m alive to talk about it,” Aviva jokes. “We do more filming, and on vacation that microphone never comes off. There was a lot of drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll.” DRUGS?! Where? Who? What? DETAILS, please! Apparently, Aviva is not willing to share, claiming nothing "illegal" was consumed.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York gale force winds and torrential rains swept through the tiny island of St. Barths. Yes, Hurricane Aviva had arrived and she was there with a vengeance and a fury. Whipping through the villa, shaking the trees with the huffs and blows of her screams and drenching the luxury with her tears and anger.
Oh, Aviva Drescher. She wanted a red carpet, a cookie, for her husband to be exalted as a saint all because she got on an airplane and showed up. Too bad everyone else was like, 'whatever bitch – have a drink.' So yeah – needless to say paths were crossed, enemy lines were drawn, and her arrival sank like a torpedoed submarine.
Before we get to all of that, the girls are still – shockingly – getting along, despite Pinot Singer's insistence at stalking the lovely and handsome pirate one night stand of LuAnn de Lesseps. 'Tomas! Whacha do last night? ' Pinot leered, wine sloshing over the top of her glass, wine bloat bursting out of her hideous flesh-colored dress, eyes popping and crackling with desire. Not desire for Tomas you understand, but desire for incriminating information.
Avivadiscussed the events with Celebuzz and admits it gets pretty crazy – like Scary Island crazy, perhaps? "Monday is, I think, sort of the crescendo of my storyline,” Aviva shares. “I really become unhinged. All that biting of my tongue when I was in the pool, or when I was going in the Jacuzzi, or when Ramona was in my kitchen, sort of comes out.”
While it would appear that LuAnn de Lesseps dogged out on longtime boyfriend Jacques Azoulay and snuck Tomas, a pre-teen pirate, into her bedroom at a luxury villa in St. Barths, LuAnn denies the allegations. She claims that while it looks bad it was actually quite innocent and that she should never have told a “white lie” by denying that Tomas was at the villa. Remember she kept insisting it was “old Italian friends.”
“He gave me a ride home and wanted to see the house, so I brought him in. Then he left. That was it,” LuAnn insists to Life & Style.”I told Jacques exactly what happened. He and I are still in love and happy.” In fact, LuAnn says the couple who is allegedly trying for a storyline baby (should Jacques don a pirate costume to stimulate her ovaries?) are on vacation right now. Hopefully not in St. Barths!
Today’s bitch please award goes to LuAnn de Lesseps who told a big ol’ whopper on national TV and got caught! Ohhh girl, c’mon – everyone knows Bravo loves to expose a misdeed.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies arrived in St. Barths. On the teeny, tiny plane to the island nearly everyone is uncomfortable and I was wishing and hoping for a moment straight out of the seventies spoof movie Airplane. Inflata-auto-pilot? Yes, please.
So they all landed in peace and that was about the only peaceful moment of the trip. Actually I take that back everyone got along remarkably well and kept it in check especially considering Pinot Singer AND Heather Thomson AND LuAnn were there!
Ramona and Sonja are cackling drunkie-drunkifers who happen to be charming in their own minds. Delusional, desperate, clinging to the disillusion that they matter, and running amok like a middle-aged hasbeen PinotDee and PinotDumb. It’s time to put down the wine and the antics and grow the eff up. Turtle Time is over.
Things begin where they left off with Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher meeting beak to beak to discuss the inappropriateness of talking behind someone’s back. And ironically, Ramona is hiding right behind Heather’s back listening in. Cue an wine-fueled embarrassing meltdown of screaming obscenities across someone else’s party.