Tamra Barney

Does Peggy have Resting Bitch Face?

Like every other franchise, the ladies of the Real Housewives of Orange County know a little something about cattiness (I’m looking at you Tamra Judge), whininess (ahem, Shannon Beador), and alliance shifting. If you had told me after that Quiet Woman fiasco that Shannon and Kelly Dodd would be thick as thieves a few episodes later, I would have called you crazy! Yet poor OG Vicki Gunvalson remains outside the circle of friendship with Kelly and Lydia McLaughlin crossing over to her side of the playground for a cocktail…or colonics. Also, am I the only one who thought that was way much, even for Andy Cohen?

And then there’s newcomer Peggy Sulahian who has a sharp tongue, a fierce closet (and garage), and not the best grasp of common sayings despite majoring in English in college. Add in the women’s confusion over her breast cancer and her motivation for getting a double mastectomy (as if it is anyone’s flipping business!), and Peggy is ripe for hazing. However, she’s no shrinking violet with this group of yahoos.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Balls Voyage

Here’s a mystery for you: why, in the middle of all the Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s scenes about scheming and ball removal was there a lovely bucolic montage of the ladies celebrating Easter? Is it because, as Tamra Judge, waxed insanely, they’re all “sisters in Christ.” Yeah, keep telling yourself that, sister.

Anyway, Lydia McLaughlin owns a boat and therefore she will throw a party for her husband’s balls on said boat. Cause “balls voyage” – get it?! Where in sam hell did little miss prissy bible arise at that one?

Before getting on the official party boat, Lydia and Doug, all decked out in their finery, take a cruise around the harbor with a hot skipper. Unlike Gilligan’s Island no one got lost on a three-hour tour, but if they had, they could’ve build a life raft out of Tamra’s earrings and used Meghan Edmonds‘ earrings to phone home!

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County seemed to have a lot going on. Tucked under the little flaps of skin were a million hidden clues, and insinuations, and tepidly it seemed like some pretty interesting shifts were taking place.

For instance, suddenly Tamra Judge is annoyed with Shannon Beador. I say suddenly, but really it’s just that she’s suddenly like perma-annoyed. I get it, obviously – Shannon is a stage five clinger who’s hot glue-gunned to your ass like a sequined bikini in a fitness competition. Anyway, it’s obvious that Tamra is up to something big and she’s not quite aligning herself to anyone, is she? After complaining about Peggy Sulahian, she’s suddenly liking her?! “Peggy’s got balls,” Tamra tells us, smirking.

Tamra Judge

Well, Tamra Judge has tried and tried again to give Vicki Gunvalson the opportunity to do right, but once again that didn’t happen. Things were instead inflamed – again – when Vicki invited Tamra’s ex-bestie Ricky to her party to fuel speculation about Eddie’s sexuality. Tamra insists she’s definitely DONE! hearing Vicki’s lies.

Really? Cause this season of Real Housewives Of Orange County is only half over and then there is the reunion… “Come on! These lies are getting ridiculous,” Tamra protests. “I’m a girl that gets over things in five minutes and gives many chances, but it’s time for me to move on. I can’t listen to her lies anymore. She’s so toxic and delusional, I just couldn’t deal with it.”

vicki-kelly

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like a community theater acting troupe doing a play about Real Housewives. The costumes were bad, the over-acting was worse, and no one was winning any Emmys, but damn if Tamra Judge wasn’t trying her hardest!

Can we just stop doing this whole Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson will be friends again thing? RHOC is trying so desperately to insist they both care, with all the fake tears and carrying on and hullabaloo over two women so emotionally divorced from each other they can’t even get angry convincingly. David Beador Lydia McLaughlin crawling on the stairs begging Shannon Beador to just. stop? Yep, that is my reaction to yet another episode of will they? Or won’t they? Can Tamicki ever be put back together again?

Kelly & Vicki

Kelly Dodd never fails to crush an opportunity to rise to the top! Most of us were on her side when Meghan Edmonds claimed Kelly attacked her by accusing Jimmy Dad Jeans of cheating yet failed to mention that she initially accused Kelly of having a boyfriend, but then Kelly undid all her Brownie points by trotting out a rusty ol’Gretchen Christine, Queen Plastine, to further rumors that Eddie Judge is secretly gay.

And even worse, Kelly did all of this to try and sell the idea that Vicki Gunvalson isn’t responsible for the mean and erroneous things she says. Dang does it stab me in the heart to have to even loosely defend Tamra Judge on anything (but I’m doing this for Eddie you guys! It’s like my version of bathroom porn, or something).

Vicki Gunvalson

Poor Vicki Gunvalson. She wants to be a good friend and get along with all the girls so they can have a good old fashioned whoop it up time, until she invites scandalous gossip mongers to her birthday party, then she’s all “Tell me more!”

Vicki started off on the right foot by asking Tamra Judge to coffee. She ended up in the wrong red dress when she continued to facilitate inappropriate speculation about Eddie Judge’s life. Vicki needs Spanx for her mouth, as well as for her red dress.

“When I decided to call Tamra to ask her to go get coffee it was because I’m tired of the fighting and I wanted to make amends. She has been doing everything she can to alienate me with my friends. We weren’t even speaking when Kelly and I talked about it. I don’t know why she can’t let it go and move on,” Vicki complains. Cause: accountability!

Vicki Hears a Rumor about Tamra

Someone once told me if you have nothing nice to say; say nothing at all. Well, unfortunately I’m not at liberty to do that – sorry Real Housewives Of Orange County. I have nothing nice to say about any of you, and the thought of holding it all in makes me want to cry like I’m Meghan Edmonds fake-sobbing in a canyon. Maybe Meghan’s tears were instal-dried by the wind or evaporated. Or plastic people make plastic tears which just clog in their tear ducts and until they’re plucked out and thrown away.

Meghan and Vicki Gunvalson aren’t so different, are they? It’s ME ME ME all the TIME TIME TIME. No one understands and blah, blah, blah…