I made sure to wear my eclipse safety glasses while staring at the California sun, so I wouldn’t damage my eyes and miss seeing the drama on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s a good thing too, because Kelly Dodd was wearing scrunchies on her wrists!
Last night was certainly a Me! Me! Me! episode – aren’t they all? – but this one was especially bad! It started with Vicki Gunvlason announcing that Briana’s uterus and Mike’s sperm belong to her! Cause Coto Insurance needs more worker bees to take over the family hive.
Aka, Vicki needs more grandchildren. NOW! NOW! NOW! Her sage advice to Mike is “date to mate,” as in he should only be sleeping with women he plans to reproduce with. Not before they sign a baby-nup, right?! I have a feeling Mike has listened to “Gold Digger” many-a-times and ain’t gonna get stuck with no 18 years. Either that or no woman wants to get stuck with Vicki for the next 18 years!
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, enemy factions were forced to come face-to-face for the second coming, actually THIRD coming, of Jim Edmond‘s reproductive prowess. By that I mean that Meghan Edmonds hosted a Sip and See, and decided the theme would be World War III by Bravo: Bitter-er, Blonder, Boozier.
Vicki Gunvalsonlives in a world in which no one but her equally delusional imaginary friend exists. Vicki’s slip was showing and it certainly was not virginal white as she menacingly promised to make Tamra Judge and Shannon suffer for turning their backs on her, like this is that 90’s Tori Spelling Lifetime movie A Friend To Die For where the unpopular girl takes revenge on the bully cheerleaders. Ugh – if Shannon and Tamra are your aspirational friends, oh dear than you, Vicki, are more screwed up than Brooks led us to believe you were!
Sidney has since deleted the excoriating post (thank you Jesus it’s logged for all posterity on the internet!), however before it was removed Tamra rampaged through the comment thread to defend herself and act like Saint Holier Than Thou Of The Jesus Barbies. You can read Sidney’s full statement here.
Lucky Tamra is staying at the Ritz where she has been pretending to live Heather Dubrow‘s life enjoying the beach, the view, the luxury, and the mother-daughter bonding time with Sophia. Tamra also indulged in some deep-fried Oreos good to know the Ritz serves county fair food!
Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County newbie Peggy Sulahian demonstrated that she doesn’t have to be your mother to be your muva! If you left your manners in the car when you came to her event, Peggy will surely get out the bar of scented soap you sell in your pop-up boutique to wash your mouth out. Peggy certainly taught Meghan Edmonds that children should be seen and not heard! Exactly Meg, just stand there and look all ‘I’ve never had a baby and look at my chessboard inspired dress, cause I’m like smart! And on quest for TRUTH! Justice!”
But first there’s Tamra Judge, who got judged by a parrot that called her “old” as she walked into a restaurant to meet a baby looking like an escapee from a biker bar. How could anyone even see Aspen underneath the giant bow that ate the baby’s face!? I hope that’s not catching…
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, Kelly Dodd underwent a Real Housewives rite of passage and rejuvenated her vagina right on TV! It is a place many a’Housewives have gone before and lived to tell about it… which I guess is a blessing, right?! Also, Vicki Gunvalson‘s devotion to proving she did not fake cancer continued with her cozying up to newbie Peggy Sulahian by promising to be the best darn girlfriend Peggy ever did have.
Shannon Beador is dressing like Carnie Wilson now, but she will not mediate Housewives disputes with cheesecakes. Instead she will go to Tamra Judge‘s house and sip water laced with Pure Calm pills. Tamra promises they create an ethereal zen, like being inside the mind of Dr. Moon as he practices transcendentalism. Despite her avid non-toxicism, the cotillion queen in Shannon admits a cocktail would work better.
Shannon and Tamra didn’t know Lydia had been scheming-not-scheming by inviting Kelly until the episode aired, and now they’re calling out her “pot stirring” antics. For some reason Meghan Edmonds is involving herself, because that’s what Meghanny Drew, Girl Detective does – she gets to the bottom of drama!
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting food poisoning at a BBQ thrown by a person you cannot stand, but whose party you have to attend because they’re related to your significant other. Basically it was like all of Shannon Beador‘s Thanksgivings – saddled to David and his dour mother who possibly put Ex-Lax in the cranberries she pretended to make from scratch. But it wasn’t just the food that was poisoned last night – there were all sorts of hellish encounters, and no one’s saintly patience was tested more than Shannon’s! Oh Shannon – can we take you nowhere without an incident or scene? Recounting your Housewives history, the answer, thankfully, is NO!
There is probably no one who loves a Real Housewives “dinner from hell” more than I do. In fact, I quit throwing dinner parties because mine are never terrible enough. It’s probably because I don’t have enough psychic friends, or frenemies who despise each other, or friends going through terrible personal dramas they want to talk about on TV, but refuse to let anyone else discuss. No one has ever thrown a plate full of steak at me either. Maybe I should just give up dinner altogether. I should also probably avoid my friends’ children’s birthday parties because they’re just the usual kids running around and eating too much cake. No middle-aged women argue, storm off, or have histrionic meltdowns over semantics.