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The Bachelor Season 17

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While the wilderness races in Montana and the polar bear plunges in Canada were a ton of fun, Sean Lowe is looking forward to spending the next week in the beautiful St. Croix. Hopefully, a warmer climate means Tierra LiCausi might make it through one week without catching hypothermia or suffering a similar major medical drama. My luck… Tierra will get attacked by a shark… Sean will give her another pity rose.
 
Our Bachelor and his bachelorettes – Catherine Giudici, Lesley Murphy, AshLee Frazier, Desiree Hartsock, Lindsay Yenter, and Shark Bait – will enjoy three one-on-one dates (no roses) and one three-on-one date (one rose) in St. Croix.
 
Even in paradise Tierra complains within minutes. She isn't happy about the shared sleeping arrangements and rolls a cot into a sitting room, saying, "I'm not about to share some room with girls I don't care for. I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriends. I think it's just better for me to have my own private space." Later, Lesley quips, "I want to roll away her rollaway into the freaking ocean." Amen. 
 
Now Tierra is whining about how she hasn't had a one-on-one date with Sean even though he's "crazy" about her. News Flash: Sean is crazy about all of the girls! Tierra thinks she should be Sean's highest priority at this point; however, AshLee scores the first date. A bitter Tierra refers to AshLee as a cougar. AshLee is only 32 years old, mind you, and Tierra is obviously an immature 24-year-old bitch.
 
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It's day two of the special two day Bachelor event, and Sean Lowe and his nine bachelorettes – AshLee, Selma, Catherine, Desiree, Daniella, Lesley, Lindsay, Sarah, and Tierra – are in Canada. Day one of the special two day Bachelor event was a complete disaster – mostly thanks to Tierrable Tierra.

While the catty girl drama in Montana left Sean feeling uneasy about this amazing journey to find love, he's hoping to get back on track this week. You keep telling yourself that, Sean, and I'll keep admiring the stunning backdrop that is Canada. Lesley thinks Lake Louise screams romance. I'm pretty sure Lake Louise is actually screaming, "What did I do to deserve this mockery?" 

Chris Harrison announces that there will be one group date, two one-on-one dates, and a rose up for grabs on each date. When the first date card arrives, the girls recap the season thus far, realizing that Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra have yet to have their own dates with Sean. The first date card is addressed to Catherine and reads "let's find our fairy tale ending." 

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If I never hear Chris Harrison say special two day Bachelor event again… it will be too soon… seriously. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the special two day Bachelor event? It's an exciting and momentous event that serves as a kick off to the bachelorettes "worldwide journey to find love" with Sean Lowe.

This rip-roaring journey begins in Montana… where it's too cold for Sean to be half naked… how am I supposed to take this special two day Bachelor event seriously when Sean is wearing a shirt? I don't think I can. You've been warned.

So, Sean and his bachelorettes are off to Montana, where everyone wears flannel plaid and there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. Sean says, "I'm an outdoorsy type of guy, and I love to get out and camp or canoe, so Montana is definitely going to test some of the women."

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the-bachelor-sean-lowe-selma-alameri

Chris Harrison congratulates the 13 remaining bachelorettes – Tierra, Desiree, Amanda, AshLee, Jackie, Lesley, Catherine, Daniella, Selma, Lindsay, RobynSarah, and Leslie - for surviving an entire three weeks on the Bachelor. Good for them… but, seriously, where's the shirtless wonder

Ah, there he is! Bachelor Sean Lowe goes into this week's dates with "trust" in mind, which totally comes in handy during his first one-on-one date. The date card goes to Selma and reads "let's turn up the heat." Sean's plan is to take the "glamorous girl" out of her element to see how she reacts. Good times. 

Less than impressed by their final destination, Selma says, "I got the limo. I got the jet. And then he took the Iraqi to a desert. I do not do well in the heat. At all. I'm so disappointed." The desert location is Joshua Tree National Park and the activity is rock climbing. The glamor girl complains about this not-so-fabulous date. Despite her fear of heights and heat-induced puffiness, Selma climbs the rock like a champ! She's proud of herself and Sean's impressed. 

Now what? How do they get down? 

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the-bachelor-sean-lowe-lesley-murphy

Oh, Sean Lowe works out? I almost forgot. While glistening with sweat and annoying homely husbands across America, the Bachelor shares, "One week into it, I find myself really digging a lot of women." Only Sean knows which ones but the possibilities include Sarah, Kacie, Desiree, AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. One of these women could (but probably won't) be Sean's future wife. 

Chris Harrison arrives on the scene of the crazy to deliver the first date card. It's addressed to Lesley and reads, "How long will this love last?" Lesley is excited and goes on and on about dreams coming true and taking her relationship with Sean to the next level. 

Sean brings Lesley to the Guinness World Records Museum. Lesley isn't too impressed, saying, "I'm thinking, um, this could be fun, but if I could have picked any place… I really didn't think we'd be coming to the Guinness World Records." Poor Lesley… a waste of a good (albeit way too short) dress is always tragic. 

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The Bachelor folk are not about to let us forget that Sean Lowe's riveting personality half-naked body looks ah-mazing. While working out and taking a shower, Sean talks about his second chance at love… on this amazing journey… to meet his future wife. The Bachelor needs a new script. 

Sean and his bachelorettes go on dates this week! Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining ladies – First Rose Tierra, Wishing Well Desiree, OCD AshLee, Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, Tries Too Hard Brooke, Lipstick Jackie, Kurly Katie, Sweet Sarah, Single Mom Diana, Mean Mugging Catherine, Poker Dealer Leslie, Awkward Pause Amanda, Desperate in D.C. Lesley, Ben Reject Kacie, Model Kristy, Handshake Daniella, Tears Taryn, and Drunk Bride Lindsay - and adds that Sean is the most sincere Bachelor ever.  

Chris places the first date card on the coffee table, raises his hands in the air, and slowly backs out of the room… BRING ON THE CRAZY! 

Kristy grabs the card, hoping to see her name on it, but it goes to Sarah. The date card reads, "Are you ready to fall in love today?" Everyone goes awwww and then wishes they, too, had only one arm. Oh, come on… you know the thought seeped into their catty heads. In all seriousness, I loved Sarah last week, so I'm excited about Sean's choice.

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Bachelor fans, are you ready for the most amazing journey featuring one (hopefully shirtless) Sean Lowe and 26 (hopefully tipsy) Bachelorettes? As always, each lady is desperate to find love and most definitely there for the right reasons.

Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.

Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.

Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love." 

Because ABC doesn't completely hate me, Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your  whole body. #coldshower

Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.

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Can you believe it? Sean Lowe is already three quarters of the way to the Bachelor's most romantic final rose ceremony ever. ever. 

According to Chris Harrison, Sean's journey is going well and it seems as if Emily Maynard is a distant memory. "Sean's doing great and his choices and decisions so far have been really good," Chris told US Weekly. "He's looking for a lady: someone who respects herself and her family. It's not a crazy, 'let's get drunk, let's get naked' type of season because that's not Sean." 

That said, Chris promised, "He has his shirt off a lot." See photo evidence below. 

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