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The Real Housewives of New York Recap

The first Bethenny-less season of The Real Housewives of New York City finally came sputtering to an end- coasting on flimsy hopes and raw inertia ‘til the bitter, dusty end with Andy Cohen selling what’s left of it for scraps. It was a season of false promises, false reconciliations, and of course – false friendships, but never (wink,wink) false dramas. There were feuds, middle eastern nightmares, thugs in cocktail dresses, dueling sweet sixteens and dueling (un)fabulous forty-year-olds (and one pinot-sodden fifty-year-old), musical ineptitude galore, and Jill Zarin remaining the same old Jill Zarin – filled with a plethora of advice, snarkitude, and red-headed fury; proving that she alone will drive this jalopy ‘til it drives no more. Go, Jill, Go!

The Season Finale begins with The Countess speaking (“Chic, C’est La Vie! Si bon! Si bon!”) to her music producer – naturally they are discussing what a runaway success her song Chic, C’est La Vie will become. Chris surprises LuAnn with a friend of his, who just happened to stop by – a friend who just happens to be Natalie King Cole.

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On Thursday’s Real Housewives of New York the ladies leave exotic Morocco and head back to Manhattan. Love, loss and confrontation ensue once back on American soil.

Ramona decides to seduce Mario (on camera, of course) but poor Mario’s late to the party. Alex gets home and Simon has a romantic dinner planned. It’s an evening of making out, ass smacking, and talking to the oysters which are ready to spike their libidos…and that’s all before the couple sits down for the meal. Across town, Ramona’s still waiting and Mario enters awkwardly. Ramona informs Mario of the fortune teller’s prediction. Mario, like Ramona, believes the “other woman” is their daughter Avery. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it!

Simon’s gifts Alex with a basket full of “panties” (I HATE that word) and Alex proceeds to model the lingerie for Simon. Where is the remote? I need to change the channel STAT. Who does this knowing they’re being filmed for an enormous television audience? Not to be outdone in the creepy category, Ramasseuse gives a shirtless Mario a massage. Please, Bravo, show anything else…Luann’s wine-selling boyfriend, Kelly eating jelly beans, heck, even Gia Guidice’s runway walk–ANYTHING!

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Ahh, Real Housewives of New York…this week we say G’day to Jill (have you missed her?  She missed you!), Sonja reveals the housewives’ pecking order to newbie Cindy, Kelly and Ramona call a truce (??), LuAnn makes it clear that shopping parties are not her glass of pinot cup of tea, and Alex finds her (slightly grating) voice when it comes to holding her own.

Jill returns to lunch with LuAnn, Kelly and Sonja, and the first thing out of Jill’s mouth is that she is done mouthing off about others.  No. More. Gossip. From. Jill.  And 5-4-3-2… “Oh, I want to be out of the gossip and the garbage, but sometimes I get sucked back in…”  Kelly’s threat drunk text from Ramona resurfaces and the ladies learn Kelly is going to meet Ramona for lunch the following day.  Sonja is concerned that Kelly isn’t quite ready to confront meet with Ramona, and thus begins the role-playing to prepare Kelly for the inevitable barrage of Rameddling.  If Ramona ever gets the flu this season, I think Sonja could easily just grab a glass of pinot grigio, do Ramona better than Ramona does Ramona, and we viewers would be none the wiser.

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The fourth season of the Real Housewives of New York City premiered last night without the show’s break out star Bethenny Frankel, bringing us to the question – Was Bethenny missed? Well, an answer to that below but one thing was clear from watching the premiere, which is that some of the ladies clearly had an agenda set for this season.

Judging from the premiere, it appears that Jill Zarin will spend the entire season trying to convince us she is a changed woman except she is still the same and nastier than ever, while Kelly Bensimon badly wants us to believe she is sane – a hard task to prove when you’re bat sh*t insane. With that said, let’s get right to the recap!

The show begins with most of the housewives having new taglines in their opening credits. “Good or bad, I know who I am and I own it,” declares Jill. Um no you don’t. “I’ve always had opinions. Now people know it,” states Alex having discovered last season that voicing said opinions gets you more face time on TV. “I’m living the American dream one mistake at a time,” says Kelly. I don’t speak crazy so I won’t even attempt to decode what that means.

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