The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!
Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?
Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?
Look below for snapshots from Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice, Vanderpump Rules star Scheana Marie, Real Housewives of Orange County star Tamra Judge, The Bachelor‘s newest couple Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi, and more.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.
In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?
Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.
The Vanderump Rules gang is leaving the drama of New Orleans behind. Tonight we get back to Tom and Katie’s wedding planning, blind dates, and celebrating the return of the SUR photo shoot!
Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz ask Lisa Vanderpump if she’ll officiate their wedding. Lisa expresses concern over their seriousness in making a marriage work. Katie sobs. Jax Taylor offers to step in as the officiant if Lisa turns them down. Tom equates this to asking Lucifer to baptize you.
Vanderpump Rules star Kristen Doute is a master when it comes to stirring the pot and she owns up to everything she’s done. It was Kristen’s instigation that brought us that instantly iconic “battered wife” monologue from Tom Sandoval and restored Pump Rules to its former glory. Obviously, I am going to watch the show no matter what, but this season was lagging until that point. Thank you, Kristen.