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Tom Sandoval

ariana-vanderpump-rules-recap

Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on. 

Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.

Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME! 

Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love. 

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vpr-lake-arrowhead

Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatch Stassi Schroeder?

Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.

The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is. 

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vpr-recap-jax-stassi

Stassi Schroeder is up to her same antics of systematically destroying everyone around her. Thankfully Vanderpump Rules favorite sociopath hasn't changed. Where are the proper authorities?

Last night Stassi cemented that Scheana Marie, briefly her friend, was once again her enemy. Stassi believes that Scheana is on an unrelenting quest to become her, to like BE Stassi. Which would mean Scheana also wants to be WITH Jax Taylor.

Speaking of Jax, I'd like to take an informal poll on how high we think his IQ is: 3? 8? Maybe 15 on a generous day? Despite being humiliated and constantly berated by Stassi he desperately wants her back. So desperately that he got a secret tattoo to prove his love. She maintains he isn't doing anything to earn her trust back except give her truly exceptional sex with lots of acrobatics and WWF maneuvers. #gag

Over at SUR things are still topsy-turvy. Strangely it's not decimating business so Lisa Vanderpump decides to install a new bar in the garden. With construction underway she now needs to find the perfect sexy bartender. Not Jax! Oh no – his crazy is old news slimy like fruit a couple days past the expiration date. Someone different… someone outside the incestuous cess pool. Someone like Katie Maloney's boyfriend Tom. Enter Tom 2. 

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 2

Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump RulesEveryone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.

Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie? 

Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!

Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshipping Lisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF - and even better, they share a birthday. 

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vanderpump rules cast photo

Last night was a dual reality TV series premiere party event.  Not only did the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills celebrate their season 4 kickoff, the Vanderpump Rules cast was also in the house to let loose and toast their season 2 premiere. 

Tom Sandoval, Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, Katie Maloney, Scheana Marie, and Jax Taylor posed with mentor, matriarch and boss lady Lisa Vanderpump. Maybe Lisa requested a joint premiere for both shows since she seems to be on the outs with a majority of her RHOBH co-stars?   

Kudos to Stassi for livening up this sea of black and metallic with her bright blue number.

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snooki-jwoww

Our favorite reality TV stars can't get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to Twitter to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here's a roundup of some of our favorite photos from the Twitterverse this week! Enjoy! 
 
Above:  Snooki & JWoww star Snooki tweeted,  "Shout out to our 'Snooki & JWoww are such trash' haters."

Below you'll find Twitter pics from Rachel Zoe, Kandi Burruss, Curtis Stone, Tamra Barney, Alexia Echevarria, Jessica Robertson, Big Ang, and more.
 
Photo Credit 

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OK! Magazine's SO SEXY event

Brandi Glanville put her people skills to good use again last night as the hostess of the OK! Magazine SO SEXY event at Skybar. (For those who have asked, Brandi is wearing a piece from S.I.C. Couture.)

Brandi's RHOBH co-stars Marisa Zanuck, Yolanda Foster and her BFF Jennifer Gimenez turned out to support her. Also in attendance was the cast of Vanderpump Rules, including: Stassi Schroeder, Sheana Marie, Kristen Doute, Katie Maloney, and Tom SandovalHollywood Exes (WHEN is season 2 finally premiering??!) star Mayte Garcia was also an attendee, along with Natalie Nunn and others. Even Lisa Vanderpump's daughter Pandora showed up for the fun!

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vpr-recap-reunion

Ugh – Lying liars and the lies they tell! Such is the love story of Stassi "Don't Hate Me 'Cause I've Had A Chinplant" Schroeder and Jax Taylor, henceforth known as Jax-A$$-i. So the Vanderpump Rules reunion happened last night and it was basically the Jax and Stassi show, round 100. I don't know why the Ks and Tom 1 (not 2) even showed up. Speaking of which, they need t-shirts like Thing 1 & Thing 2. 

Scheana Marie Famewhore reached new lows in her deplorable groveling famewhoredom by basically sucking up to Stassi and doing her attacking for her. I mean, Scheana – get some self-esteem. Stassi called you a homewrecking, untalented, hooker whore on national TV and tried to get you fired at work. This bitch is not your friend. You are so Fetch from Mean Girls and no matter what you do, you're never going to be a 'thing.' So with that out of the way, let's examine the other shameless ones. 

Yes, Stassi and Jax; a tale of amoral and delusional love. I mean they really are sort Natural Born Killers aren't they. Instead of using literal guns they just emotionally decimate everyone in their disgusting quest to one-up each other and seem important. Lisa Vanderpump dutifully called Jax out on using and abusing Laura-Leigh as a pawn; calling into question his ability to deceive on demand and take advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. She also expressed disgust about his sexual proclivities for unprotected sex. With anyone. "Clearly, it's not working for you," she admonished derisively. 

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