Tom Schwartz

Vanderpump Rules recap

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules celebrated Pride, but it was far from the jubilant affair it usually is in light of the Orlando nightclub shooting, which happened the day before.

I’m not sure how to write this recap for a couple reasons: 1) there was a lot of the usual f-ked up SUR drama surrounding Pride and the tragic events; and 2) Tom Sandoval made his ugly cry face but it seems wrong to make fun of it because he was crying about the Orlando tragedy. Conundrum. I also feel bad swooning over how glorious Peter looked. (Cause he did).

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DailyMail.com & Elite Daily Holiday Party

Booze, fools, tons of disasters – if that doesn’t perfectly describe Vanderpump Rules, I don’t know what does. Sadly, all that mess came about because Tom Schwartz decided to unwisely hook his malfunctioning penis to the wheel that’s Katie Maloney and everything spun very far out of control.

“It was a disaster. It was a beautiful mess. That’s how I describe this season, a beautiful disaster,” Tom warns. “It’s a blur in retrospect, but a lot happens.” Jax Taylor agrees, adding, “There’s some crazy stuff that happens.”

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NEW YORK, NY - DECEMBER 07: Dorinda Medley and John Mahdessian attend the DailyMail.com & Elite Daily Holiday Party with Jason Derulo at Vandal on December 7, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images for Daily Mail)

It’s an all new edition of reality star sightings!

First up we have several reality stars hitting up the DailyMail holiday party, including Dorinda Medley and John Mahdessian, Ramona Singer, several cast members from Vanderpump Rules, including Lisa Vanderpump and more. And in case you’re wondering where Brittany has been while Jax is in NYC, she’s at home taking care of their new puppy.

Kyle Richards was seen in NYC doing press for the show (or her new series or Celebrity Apprentice or…who knows what exactly! She’s so busy lately!)

In the gallery you’ll also spy Heidi Klum, Courtney Stodden, Bethenny Frankel and more!

James

It’s a topsy-turvy world out there in SUR and last night’s Vanderpump Rules dove into its favorite subjects – cheating and Lisa Vanderpump‘s fabulosity!

Is there anything more confusing than a woman who is not only willing to have sex with James Kennedy, but do the sex in essentially a cot in the corner of his dorm room? Oh yes, there IS something more confusing – that this woman is willing to admit this sex on national television! The bright lights of LVP‘s sparkles reflected by Bravo cameras can cause a girl to lose her mind!

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tom-schwartz-katie-maloney

Newlyweds Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney were on Watch What Happens Live tonight. The Vanderpump Rules stars covered Lala Kent issues, Scheana Marie‘s divorce and even explained why Stassi Schroeder came along on their honeymoon.

Were they shocked about Scheana and Shay’s split? Tom says it came out of nowhere and Katie says “Of course. We all thought they would be together forever.”  Tom adds, “you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. They seemed happy from outward appearances.”

Scheana

High school… these problems matter! These people are in high school like the original cast of 90210 were. Meaning the “kids” on Vanderpump Rules are 30 going on 13, and it’s ridiculous.

Last night, Katie Maloney, Bridezilla of West Hollywood (she may actually just be straight up Godzilla at this point because she does seem to think she’s God), demanded Scheana Marie never, ever have an opinion contrary to Katie’s, like, ever again, and if Scheana does like ever, ever, ever deign to think for herself, she will be dumped like room temperature white wine.

Katie is the one who needs to be bumped – by Tom 2 and everyone else. She and Stassi Schroeder deserve each other.

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Tom Schwartz prank

When Tom Schwartz made a steak dinner for Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval on the last episode of Vanderpump Rules, it just seemed like he was doing a sweet gesture to ask them to be groomsmen in his wedding, but it was actually a nasty prank.

After Tom asked the guys to take part in the wedding, he handed them both big envelopes full of photos that revealed that the steak and shrimp they ate had previously been in-between his butt cheeks. As if that wasn’t gross enough Tom also revealed that he ran that day and did not shower. Eeeeww.

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Tom and Jax

Vanderpump Rules is having some sort of quarter life crisis. While Stassi Schroeder is playing the adoring sycophant, Katie Maloney is attempting to reinvent herself as season 1 and 2 Stassi. It’s a piss-poor imitation though because Katie lacks the razor-sharp edge and sheer cunning wit required to pull off Stassi-ness, not to mention Katie lacks the conviction with which Stassi conducted herself as empress of the skirtsteaks. Also Katie doesn’t own a statement necklace which is like the scrunchie of SUR.

Katie is a mere “Fetch,” trying to force herself to happen as the leader of the SUR tribe, except she’s nothing but a sheep in wolf’s clothing. And she needs to give Stassi back her fur.

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