Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.
On tonight’s episode the wedding party picks up their tuxes and dresses and head off to prep for the big event. Katie is still in shock that she was able to find dresses that these “picky bitches” could all agree on! Jax Taylor freaks out when Tom‘s brothers miss their flights and it threatens to ruin the big surprise.
In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?
Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.
The Vanderump Rules gang is leaving the drama of New Orleans behind. Tonight we get back to Tom and Katie’s wedding planning, blind dates, and celebrating the return of the SUR photo shoot!
Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz ask Lisa Vanderpump if she’ll officiate their wedding. Lisa expresses concern over their seriousness in making a marriage work. Katie sobs. Jax Taylor offers to step in as the officiant if Lisa turns them down. Tom equates this to asking Lucifer to baptize you.
Vanderpump Rules star Kristen Doute is a master when it comes to stirring the pot and she owns up to everything she’s done. It was Kristen’s instigation that brought us that instantly iconic “battered wife” monologue from Tom Sandoval and restored Pump Rules to its former glory. Obviously, I am going to watch the show no matter what, but this season was lagging until that point. Thank you, Kristen.
The New Orleans trip resurrected this season of Vanderpump Rules. The whole thing was such a hot mess that I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily for me, I don’t have to since Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz just opened up about the latest antics that went down this season. Plus, these two really have a way with words.
Jax and Tom recapped (what little they remember about) the bachelor party in New Orleans; they shared their opinions on James Kennedy’s girlfriend; they reflected on Scheana Marie’s divorce (spoiler alert: they both saw it coming); and of course they both addressed the criticisms about their own relationships.