Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was a wedding instead of cheating drama! Scheana Marie got married and it had all the tackery and whinery one would expect. What one could not expect is that she spent approximately $100,000 on disco glitter and tantrums.
Things begin with Scheana visiting Lisa Vanderpump‘s house for a pre-wedding check-in. Lisa wants to know if Scheana is really in love with Shay, the lurking hulk of gooey melted gummy bears that is about to become her permanent bedmate. Scheana is – why, she couldn’t tell you. What Scheana CAN tell you is that the heart wants what the bride wants no matter what it costs! It is HER. DAY to be pretty princess for a change, to usurp Stassi Schroeder as the unequivocal self-dubbed princess in the big pouffy dress and have all the attention ON. HER.
Lisa wonders how Scheana is paying such extravagances as 5 sets of mink eyelashes and 50,000 rhinestone-studded rose pedals… Well, since you asked, Scheana is using her lawsuit settlement! BRAKES SCREECH… what, you say? Remember when Scheana broke her teeth and had to have 6 hours of agonizing dental surgery and no one visited her in the hospital? Well Scheana sued whomever broke her teeth and got a settlement, which she is blowing on her very own Barbie dream wedding!
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from this week. Enjoy!
Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.
Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.
When Andy asks Tom if he blamesJax Taylor for the way things went down on tonight’s episode, with Jax outing him for cheating on Katie in Vegas, he admits that Jax certainly didn’t help his cause. He thinks maybe Jax did it on purpose, but he says, “I guess i don’t have anyone to blame but myself.”
On Kristen getting fired tonight, Tom says it was a long time coming. Andy says the celebration was crazy and he’s obsessed with the clip of the cooks in the SUR kitchen high fiving at the news.
Tom was loitering, casually constructed behind the bar at SUR, when a trainwreck of botched lip implants and an immobile face appeared before him! He jumped; he recoiled in horror. No, not because he saw who it was – Annemarie from Miami – but because she ordered a Cosmo (is this Sex And the City circa 2002?!) – then he bolted. From her vantage point across the restaurant, perfectly positioned so she could witness the showdown while guzzling wine, Kristen leapt from her seat and went running after him. This wasn’t supposed to happen – Tom was supposed to run TOWARDS Kristen, not away from SUR.
So now that we’ve set the scene, let’s rewind – Lord knows I did a lot of that last night to catch every wimple of drama.
This week Tom 2‘s girlfriend finally called it quits with the indomitable Stassi Schroeder, who erroneously believes that being a 4th removed descendent of Swedish Royalty (according to Ancestry.com) gives her to the right to demand ultimate servitude. Tom explains that was a longtime coming and very disappointing for Katie who believed Stassi was a true friend.
“I hear Stassi say things like, ‘I’m done.’ Get over it and yourself. It’s exhausting me to see her behave this way. She is seriously corny and is starting to seem like a parody of herself, minus the redeeming stuff,” Tom recounts.
Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly.
Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her.