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Tony Pieper

Bachelor Pad is back. Last week’s premiere mainly brought us super fan angst and a drunken Ed Swiderski

Tonight’s episode features the never-ending fighting between the super fan twins Brittany and Erica Taltos, a rhythmic gymnastics challenge, Ed‘s pickles, and a surprising rose ceremony.

Are these blonde twins for real? Their voices and fights are mind numbing.

“Stop yelling at me,” says one. “You called me a slut,” says the other.

“Stop yelling at me!”

“You did it. I cried. You did it again. I cried again. You did it againnn. I cried againnn.”

“Stop yelling at me! I’m sorry I called you a slut. I won’t do it again, okay? I wouldn’t have said it if I were sober.”

I have no clue which one is Erica and which one is Brittany. The others are saying how annoying the twins are and that they’re walking episodes of the Jerry Springer show. It’s a sad day in your life when the Bachelor Pad contestants are making fun of you.

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Oh, Bachelor Pad, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways… right after I grab a loofah and scrub off the germs. I swear, just watching this show puts us all at risk of venereal diseases. Bachelor Pad 3 is summer TV at its finest, isn’t it?

As Chris Harrison welcomes us, I realize this puts me at five hours of Chris Harrison for the week. What has my life come to? Perhaps I can find some old reruns of Designer’s Challenge on HGTV just for fun. Thankfully, Chris shifts his focus from true love forever to smutty and disgusting seamlessly, so no time is wasted. Let the train wreck begin!

First, ABC reminds us who some of these Bachelor and Bachelorette losers are.

First, Emily Maynard‘s final four castaway, Chris Bukowski. Chris sits on his leather couch, wearing a jacket and shoes, reflecting on his heartbreak. Are we supposed to believe this is the exact minute Emily kicked him away? Chris “knows” going on the Bachelor Pad will help him move on from Emily. He mentions falling in love, also. He’s funny. Chris is looking forward to meeting Lindzi Cox.

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The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard <yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.

Those 3 Stooges would be Kalon McMahon, Ryan Bowers, and Chris Bukowski. They were obviously the stars of the night, with a side dish of Sean Lowe <SCREAMS!>.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr.  are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.

Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.

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It’s Bachelor Pad time, y’all! And ABC has finally released the cheesy bikini shots of the cast members who have given up their public quest for love and instead have decided to embark on a public quest for money. ABC is promising the most controversial season yet. That’s what they always say.

[Photo Credits: ABC.com]

Bachelor Pad 3 premiers July 23 at 8/7c on ABC.

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT BACHELOR PAD? THOUGHTS ON ADDING THE “SUPER FANS” TO THE LINE-UP?

MEET THE CAST OF BACHELOR PAD 3 BELOW! 

Bachelor Pad returns on July 23 on ABC!  Which The Bachelor and The Bachelorette rejects will get a second (third, fourth, fifth) chance at finding true love on reality TV?  Ha, only if you’re Holly Durst and Blake Julian.  More than likely, this ego-heavy cast is more interested in hooking up and collecting the cash prize of $250,000.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I like my TV to be dirty and not too deep.

New twist this season – six hand-selected super fans of the franchise will join the Bachelor Pad fun.  Fresh meat!!

Perhaps one of the most self-absorbed contestants is none other than Emily Maynard‘s pariah Kalon McMahon.  Kalon, the luxury brand consultant whose preferred mode of transportation is a helicopter, got himself kicked to the curb this week after referring to Emily’s daughter as budget-basement baggage.  The comment brought out Emily’s West Virginia hood rat backwoods side, which is the most exciting thing to happen all season.  If Kalon can bring personality out of Emily, I’m all for his presence on the Bachelor Pad!

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Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait.  In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight.  More on that later.  First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does.  You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed.  Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say.  And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.”  Tupperware = oozing personality.  Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.

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Before Emily Maynard starts her dates this week on ABC’s The Bachelorette, she meets up with friends and family at the park.  It’s very important, apparently, for Emily and ABC to remind us that she’s just an average single mom living in Charlotte.  At the park, the carpool efforts responsible for getting little Ricki to soccer practice are discussed.  The chat is nothing short of fascinating.  Eh, I’m lying.  The entire segment just reminds me how incredibly dull Emily is.

Next, Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining men.  This week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates.  There is a rose up for grabs on each date.  Chris leaves the men with the first date card.  Bobble head Chris wants to see his name on that card.  There’s suspenseful music.  The date goes to Runs with Dog Ryan.  The card reads, “Be my King in Queen City.”   Kalon is annoyed.  Chris is disappointed.

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The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other.  The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard.  America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference.  You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season.  Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor.  His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily.  Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.

Emily is a single mom.  And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad.  She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004.  Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily.  The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily.  Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette.  Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.”  Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.  I’m obviously grading on a curve, here.  I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.

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