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Top Chef 9

We’re not out of the woods yet with Top Chef Texas! Like our beloved housewives, Top Chef also gets the reunion treatment, only the difference is the cheftestants don’t wear Loubies and there’s a distinct lack of satin prom-style dresses among them. But still, omnipresent Andy Cohen makes them all hang out together and relive all their old fights, because they’re contractually obligated to show up.

The most exciting piece of information to come out of the reunion was the rumor that Sarah told judge Emeril Lagasse to “eff off” during a heated moment. Per Andy, this was a rumor from the crew. Sarah claims she doesn’t remember saying that, but the camera immediately pans to an awkward “yikes!” look by fellow judge Tom Collicchio, indicating the rumor is most likely true. Sarah begins to cry, like we are supposed to feel bad for her, and starts rambling about how much she loves Emeril.

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Judging from your comments, I think we can safely say that this season of Top Chef was a dud. Whether, it was the lack of any stand-out “personalities” on the cast, or the heavy amount of advertising for Texas, something was off about the show’s ninth season. It lacked the show’s usual addictive quality and there was no one to root for.

On last night’s finale, the reliable Paul and the talented but prickly Sarah went head to head, creating a four-course menu and “restaurant of their dreams” in Vancouver. They were given sous chefs for the task, which both chefs correctly guessed, were their former contestants. It turned out that not only was it their former rivals, but it also included three contestants that didn’t even make it into original sixteen and two master chefs, Barbara Lynch and Marco Canora.

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Our time with the approximately 15-week long commercial that was the ninth season of Top Chef ,is almost over. Next week, we’ll see our last two competitors battle it out for the $125,000 furnished by Healthy Choice, as Padma has lovingly reminded us in all the credits.

This week’s episode featured, what I think must be, the most crushing elimination of all, the one where you almost make it, but fall short, the bronze medal. While it must suck to be the first let go, at least no one remembers you. But here, we’ve watched the eliminated contestant for weeks, so we might feel some attachment.

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I apologize for the delay in this week’s Top Chef recap. That being said, here are my thoughts on this week’s Canadian journey.

Last week, Ed got sent home in a humiliating double loss of not only a chance at being in the finale, but also of a Prius. Sorry Ed, but canned or frozen food does not fly in the Top Chef kitchen.

We open this week with the gang meeting up in the parking lot of the Vancouver airport, all looking refreshed and like they’d finally had something to eat and drink, besides Shiner Bock and barbecue. Sarah talking-heads that she’ll be nice now, and that she’s a totally different person.

And then Beverly gets there. No one is especially mean to her, but it is awkward for Lindsay, Paul, and Sarah, who are war buddies, to even act warm towards Beverly. They pile into the Toyota, and Sarah immediately interrupts Beverly after Paul asks her about Last Chance Kitchen.

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Previously on Top Chef: Grayson gets sent home, and there was a lot of sweaty bike-riding.

We open this week’s Top Chef: Yee-Haw on last week’s cliffhanger, and surprise! Beverly is back, having cooked for her life on the web show, Last Chance Kitchen. Sarah is not happy, because Beverly is in her “own Beverly world” and she doesn’t want to go there because it’s too hot and we all know what happens when Sarah is in very warm weather.

The chefs get a doozy of a quickfire challenge, and have to shop in the pantry blind-folded, and they must use everything in their basket. What if the chefs grab some Gladware, saffron, and peanut butter? What then, Tom Colicchio!? The real issue at stake are the prizes: either a brand-new Prius, or a guaranteed spot in the final round. It’s the Sophie’s Choice of Top Chef! Sorta.

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Previously: Chris gets eliminated for the crime of not making his tofu-emulsion chicken salad sandwiches to order.

We return to the Top Chef house with Grayson missing Chris, and the reveal that Ed sleeps in a button down shirt and boxers. Business up top, party underneath! There’s no time to ponder this because it’s time to head back to the kitchen, where Padma awaits them with my dream: a table of 80,000 pancakes. The chefs wonder who the guest judge will be, with Grayson guessing Miley Cyrus, which is incorrect because if it were Miley, the pancakes would be replaced with a giant bong.

Instead, the guest judge is Pee Wee Herman, who non-zygotes may remember from his TV show, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. They have 20 minutes to make pancakes for Pee Wee. Paul has inherited the liquid nitrogen throne from Chris and is making some kind of champagne concoction with it.

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Top Chef Season 9

Previously on Top Chef: Beverly gets sent home and Charlize Theron was awesome and beautiful.

We return to Top Chef:Texas with the chefs in the stew room going over Beverly‘s departure. Grayson talking-heads that she’ll miss her while the other chefs are either hiding their feelings or just don’t seem to care.

All of a sudden an angel walks in, a.k.a. Charlize Theron, and she thanks the chefs and calls herself a “huge nerd.” No, Charlize, people currently on their 98th consecutive hour of playing Skyrim while on a Mountain Dew drip are huge nerds. You are a pretty actress.

With the stew room properly blessed, we move on to the rest of the episode and the quick fire challenge, this time being judged by Padma, Emeril Lagasse and Cat Cora, who also has a new Bravo show coming up soon, Around The World In 80 Plates (Bravo doing cross-promotion, SHOCKING!!)

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