Well that’s it – another season of Vanderpump Rules done and done! But the third part of the reunion ended with quite a bang when Scheana Marie‘s estranged husband Mike Shay appeared to say everything and nothing at all.
Good lord – the girls on this show are ridiculous! Like Katie Maloney, nothing is ever Scheana’s fault as she just demands, cries, and throws tantrums then blames everyone else. Tom 2 – consider Shay your warning; Robert Valleta – consider Tom 2 your warning.
Before we witness Scheana Marie collapse into a cloud of pressed powder, we have much ground to cover. While Andywasted time last week trying to make Stassi Schroeder‘s brother ‘happen,’ the reunion could have focused on all the drama between James Kennedy and Kristen Doute, or that time Tom 2 almost canceled his wedding while pooping in a wedding gown, as Tom 1 was crying in a Sia costume. Aaaaahhh… good times in New Orleans!
On part two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion Lala Kent was asked the hard questions, and Jax Taylor‘s d–k in a pic was put under harsh scrutiny once again. I can’t imagine how he and Brittany Cartwright get it on considering how fuzzy that thing is – I mean… (I’ll be here all week folks!)
One of the major revelations of last night – and I say this with full and utter complete sincerity – is that James Kennedy and Jax realized they are essentially the same person, separated only by a decade, a sexual conquest number, Botox treatments, and a British accent. And nobody pops the lid off a Jax In The Box quite like a James In The Box!
So, after Jax realizing that he’d spent the reunion sitting next to his evil twin, and recognizing that there is power in numbers, Jax gleefully announced that he welcomes a Return Of The James (the Sequel Part 2) to SUR. Then Andy Cohen asked if James would DJ his birthday party. See – everybody loves sober James!
It’s official – sober James Kennedy is most definitely the world’s greatest DJ/reality TV villain/v-neck shirt wearer/bitchy uptight man child. And on part one of the Vanderpump Rules reunion it was most certainly James who won the night for me. Also Lala Kent came back, and it went well! So far…
First, priorities: we must delve into the wardrobe atrocities that always dominate these things. In this category Brittany Cartwright, bless her heart, was the worst offender. She was wearing what looked like a prom dress turned into stripper stage wear – clearly a Pinterest hack gone wrong. Actually Brittany’s dress kinda looked like one of Katie Maloney‘s bridesmaids dresses.
It was a big night of commitment for our Schwartzy, the little commitment-phobe that couldn’t. In front of some of his family, and all of his friends, he said “I Do” to Katie Maloney, thus establishing himself Mr. Three-Headed-She Beast. Stassi Schroeder cried tears of pure vodka-poisoned joy that her two best friends were officially, legally soulmates, and then she made Katie swear on her eyeshadow collection that Stassi would always be a part of them. Like a stye?
It was actually a sweet ceremony. Courtesy of Tom, who drank the tequila-aid and suddenly found himself overjoyed to be standing at an altar next to Katie’s drapes of a wedding gown. Oof – that dress: a pair of nude pantyhose someone bedazzled; full body spanks that got Pinterested and sold on Etsy. It isn’t easy being country-cutsey-woodsy-glammy-chic on a budget!
The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!
Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?
Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.
In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?
Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.
Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.
Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.
Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.