Vanderpump Rules Recap

Brittany Cartwright

I’m so tired of hearing about Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s pathetic relationship. I’m so tired of it that I’m actually in agreement with Tom Sandoval on the matter: Brittany stupidly chose to stay with Jax knowing he’s a low-down, dirty scoundrel, so leave her alone to stew in her own Kentucky fried juices.

I personally think Brittany loooooves laying on that accent, thick as a beer cheese dipped chicken wing, and playing damsel in distress. Not to the guys – Jax already rescued her from a Hooters farm in ‘tucky – but to the girls on Vanderpump Rules. They see it as their responsibility to rescue Brittany. Maybe because those that can’t do a decent relationship, try to micromanage other’s disaster relationships. Or maybe they know they’re all a lost cause but sweet, innocent Brittany of the slow blinking My Little Pony eyes and Dr. Pepper flavored Bonne Belle chapstick – they can save her from the Jaxing that destroyed Stassi Schroeder and so many before (and during and after) her! 

Jax Taylor

Remember in the beginning when the cast of Vanderpump Rules had actual goals? Future careers and the like into which they hoped to nestle once their debauched days at SUR (and their sex appeal) passed? Suddenly Jax Taylor is one of those people – those realists. Except now, instead of it being the right thing, it is oh-so very wrong. Because what of the future of bartending for life on reality TeeVee?

I personally think a spinoff in which Jax ventures out into the real world – getting up for work everyday, pulling his shit together, really working that reiki would be interesting. Apparently I am alone. Because friends before future, bro!

In the SURvile community of Vanderpumpian Forever Kids we are STILL celebrating Jax’s 308th birthday. The leprechaun of eternity has already danced his jig at Hooters, but now Brittany Cartwright, who is just so exasperating, has planned a group trip to Playa del Carmen. Play, play away forever young (at heart) in the Mexican sun. There’s two things wrong with this: 1) Jax doesn’t deserve it. He’s horrible to Brittany; 2) He doesn’t even want to go. Instead he wants to stay in LA and wallow in his midlife crisis. Especially in his reiki instructor’s arms.

Ariana Madix

I really hate it when I have to confront political or social quagmires in a reality show – like when last night’s Vanderpump Rules address the oh-so-prescient ‘me too’ movement (albeit without actually saying the words). Ironically, given the (well-deserved) criticism she took for her own attitude and statements about other women who came forward, it was Stassi Schroeder raising alarm and complaining about people always defending men.

The man in question is Ariana Madix‘s brother Jeremy. Jeremy asks Billie Lee out on a date, which she’s excited about, but when she shares the good news with Stassi and Kristen Doute their four-way flashers immediately go on. Kristen warns Billie to keep the date “in public” and Stassi says Jeremy is “creepy.” Stassi recounts that at Katie Maloney‘s wedding Jeremy was hitting on her – and everyone else – in a way that was frankly uncomfortable and camera footage reveals him grabbing Stassi in a bear hug while promising to leave her alone. And it was creepy! And uncomfortable.

Tom & Tom

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, the Toms demonstrated that age is just a number and even when you’re 35, you can still pretend to be 21 with no responsibilities. I guess when you have stunted bartender jobolescence, growing up is hard to do! Even if you have “buishischeness deschisions” to make!

SUR is back in action with a facelift, because Lisa Vanderpump turns raging fires into restaurant redesign, and everything winds up looking a little fresher and sparklier. The new chandelier at SUR has the added benefit of making everyone look younger. Tom and Jax look positively like their first season selves. Too bad all Hollywood ‘facelifts’ don’t turn out so well! This is all a prequel to Tom Tom, which the Toms will get a larger taste of during their ‘work trip’ to Vegas.

Lisa will show Tom 1 and Tom 2 “a day in the life of the Vanderpump regime.” Which is more than just design elements, but showing them what running an actual business looks like. A business which has nothing to do with pretend statement necklace collection, or ‘online beauty blogs’ that get updated once every 3 months. Or at least that’s her plan… 

Scheana Marie

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a matter of love and death. In the complete and utter trainwreck that is watching Scheana Marie transcend from Stage Five Clinger to total stalker and future subject of Snapped (or her own Lifetime Movie Of The Week). Jax Taylor was literally drowning (*well kinda) but Scheana was drowning in her own delusion and Rob Valetta is not about to be dragged under with her.

Thankfully Rob can swim perfectly, and amazingly, and better than anyone in the whole wide word even Michael Phelps, and he can also save people with his boogey board of life! Just ask Jax!

There was so much relationship dysfunction last night that the thought of looking through a Choose Your Own Designer Vagina catalog seems like the lesser of evils. Yes, that is a thing, but you have to be willing to travel to Thailand to get it installed… Do they make any that are STD resistant?

James & Lala

Oh man, all season on Vanderpump Rules I have really been loving James Kennedy … Until last night, that is! Down goes the Jack Daniels, and James’ decency follows suit. He was a horrible, ATROCIOUS drunken buffoon to Lala Kent and Raquel Leviss when he should have reserved that treatment for Scheana Marie. If only so Rob Valetta could rush in to be knight in shining armor and fix it. I hear he’s good at those sorts of things!

Scheana Marie invited a select group ‘non-assholes’ to Rob’s cabin in Big Bear. After the Toca Madera cheating non-scandal, she’s desperate to prove that some of her non-friends are capable of behaving like decent human beings. Except slim pickings. She can’t invite the Three-Headed SheBeasts who are too busy bedazzling scooters while fake crying apologies after their birthday party breakdowns (plus they started the rumor), so Scheana was forced to choose Jax Taylor and James?! Scheana is a cesspool of failed logic and I really believe all the therapists on this show are being wasted on Jax. Absolutely he is in need, but um… spread the ‘py, because there’s a six car pileup of people needing psychiatric attention.

Stassi

I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”

Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.

Lisa Vanderpump is furious at Jax Taylor

Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

Well at least Jax Taylor, errrrr… I mean “Jason” is trying to change his life! HAHAHAHAHA

Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.