Vanderpump Rules Recap

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Last night’s season finale of Vanderpump Rules celebrated the love of Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz with a “linen and lace” themed engagement party where Lala Kent spoke for the collective masses and told Kristen Doute to shut up. Obviously Kristen didn’t listen to this valuable advice! 

Pre-party Lala, who knows everyone hates her, is having massive anxiety about what to wear and how to act. Especially because James Kennedy, the littlest weasel at SUR, informed Lala that Kristen called her a “ratchet whorebag.” Hilariously Lala turns to Scheana Marie for advice on how not to look like a “whorebag” – Lala is OK with the ratchet part. Scheana, hilariously, advises her to dress as if she’s meeting someone’s mother – which means keep it classy. Scheana isn’t too devoted to Lala’s concerns however, because OF COURSE she has her own issues to worry about, like why Ariana Madix is keeping her distance! 

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On last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval introduced us to a bass guitar bedecked with dildos, which made more sense than almost everything else happening with this group.

Katie Maloney has been waiting and hoping, begging and whining, pleading and crying to get engaged to Tom Schwartz since the dawn of Twitter. Maybe even before in the prehistoric age of Facebook. It finally happened so OMG! WEDDING! is her entire life.

Katie bombards Lisa Vanderpump and begs to have her engagement party – a casual BBQ for 50 or so sane people plus one full-scale rampaging case of psychosis (Kristen Doute) and one bitch ghost with a superiority complex who is temporarily angelic in order to wheedle her way back in (Stassi Schroeder). After some hesitation, Lisa decides to let Katie and Tom have the party at Villa Rosa, BUT! Kristen and Stassi are not allowed to come! Katie agrees so fast heads spun exorcist style. Some re-friend she is.

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Katie confronts Stassi

Does anyone else feel like we’re missing something on Vanderpump Rules? Besides the obvious lack of maturity? It just  feels like we’re not getting the full story regarding Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix.

Everyone seems to really despise Tom and Ariana all of the sudden? I refuse to believe the “Dislike” button plaguing these two like a cloud of Axe Body Spray that you got zapped with by the Costco sample lady, is purely about all their friends suddenly loving Kristen Doute. Honestly, has anyone even given a reason for why they want to hang out with Kristen soooo badly. A reason other than “Kristen is FUN!”? Fun does not totally a friendship make.  

Other than Saint Kristen pulling of a coup d’etat by winning back the approval of the most-exalted masses of SUR, Stassi Schroeder‘s re-entry into the friend group is causing major anxiety for Jax Taylor and Scheana Marie, the two worst people in We-Ho!

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Jax screams at Tom

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules it was The Wash, Rinse, Repeat Hour with Jax Taylor, but he is the stain you can’t remove! Unlike James Kennedy who was f-f-f-fired! 

Ariana Madix is in a funk. Is that funk is hanging out with Scheana Marie (who complains that Ariana hasn’t been there as much as Scheana needs her to be)?  Ariana carries a general malaise that can’t be cured by looking hot in a lace bikini! If shopping doesn’t work like Prozac, something is amiss! It’s not like Ariana is Stassi Schroeder, living on Kristen Doute‘s couch (no, no – not the one she banged Jax on while watching Drive, but more on that couch in a bit!). 

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Tom Schwartz Feels Sad

Last night on Vanderpump Rules an informal peace summit was finally staged, over shots, in, of all places, Lala Kent‘s apartment!

Stassi Schroeder is still milling around Los Angeles lost adrift the skeletons of the friendships she buried when Saint Patrick of the Mount Perfectionist Adultiness loved her. Now, knocked down to mere mortal status, Stassi is alone and friendless with only Kristen Doute (and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Klone No 1. Kristina), to consume Pinot and laments with her. Luckily our trusty friend Lala will remedy allll that!

Over on the homefront – SUR – Jax Taylor is back at work after his shoplifting suspension but no one is glad to see him. Lisa Vanderpump isn’t finished with her tough love just yet! To really remind Jax of what a bad boy he’s been, she orders him to do *gasp* COMMUNITY SERVICE. She’s like a an uber-glamourous court circuit judge with a vendetta! Lisa remands Jax to gather all his unworn clothes to donate to charity. Plus, he has to force the Toms to do this with him.

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Katie Maloney launches Pucker & Pout

Last night on Vanderpump Rules Katie Maloney launched her beauty blog Pucker & Pout. I’ll let “Katie Maloney + makeup and fashion tips” sink in a bit before moving on… But anyways, congratulations! 

Katie has been working hard to build her blog and decides to throw an industry launch party to debut it to the world, so she can begin making money. What Katie really wants, however, is an exclusive party with a tightly-controlled guest list, so she can wander around SUR pointing at people with her new Scheana Marie witch’s talon nails snapping, “Invited!” “Not Invited!” as she plucks the leaves, one by one, off Lisa Vanderpump‘s 100 year-old custom-cultivated tulips originally cuttings from Josephine Bonaparte’s garden, once watered with the blood of Napoleon (can you tell I’ve been watching War & Peace? It’s like Vanderpump Rules with more complicated names, more conniving, decent fitting clothing, more lying, and swords instead of cocktail stirrers). 

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Stassi is sad

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax

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Jax Taylor is arrested in Hawaii

Stassi Schroeder has returned and Jax Taylor got arrested. All in a days work for Vanderpump Rules, right? 

In Hawaii the group continues having a conniption fit over Lala Kent‘s existence. After Lala confronted Brittany Cartwright about Jax’s lying, and then confronted Jax about his lying, to which Jax lied about lying, Lala retreated to her hotel to cry into the complimentary towels. Reality TV is so hard! She just needs her mommy! But, as Lala pointed out, Faith also took off her top, but no one was yelling at her! Katie Maloney, a hypocrite? Nooooooo… 

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