Vanderpump Rules Recap

Scheana Marie

There is nothing worse than a professional reality star. You know what I’m talking about, because nearly every person on Vanderpump Rules now occupies that position. They fakely (yes I know that’s a fake word) work at SUR, they’re fakely are friends with each other, and they fakely pretend to care about causing drama in each other’s lives.

To point: last night’s episode was an amazing pile-up of so many [mostly fake] car crashes, I don’t even know where to begin, middle, and end.

The only two interesting things that happened were Scheana Marie going on a hunger strike until Merriam-Websters changes the definition of “perfect” to include a photo of her and Rob Valetta, and James Kennedy having a full-fledged meltdown about the supposed double-entendre of “ate her pasta.”

Stassi Schroeder

Of all the things that make ZERO sense about Vanderpump Rules, the two that stand out the most are Kristen Doute and PatrickStassi Schroeder‘s, Zen For The Douchebag’s Soul, sometimes-boyfriend. Yes, for me, this has overshadowed the tedium of Jax Taylor behaving atrociously and getting away with it. Again.

For instance, why is Kristen going to the opening of James Kennedy‘s See You Next Tuesday DJ gig at SUR? Doesn’t she despise her cretin ex boyfriend with the passion of a thousand disturbed bees? Don’t ALL of them actually hate James?! Hasn’t the hatred of James Kennedy been a storyline for, oh, I dunno – the past 3 seasons?! Apparently Kristen would go to the opening of an envelope, though, and when being on Vanderpump Rules is your only J-O-B…

Jax Taylor

So, let’s see – cheating accusations are like clowns in a clown car on Vanderpump Rules now. How many cheaters can we cram into one episode here? Seriously, though, they need to refresh the story-writing staff over at Bravo. Or perhaps get a lot of new cast members…

If we were gonna make a seven-layer dip of the cheating scandals it would go like this: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright is the beefy bottom layer. The anchor of this season’s unfaithful dramas, if you will, but that just got amped up by the spicy salsa of audio featuring Jax’s pillow talk with Faith Stowers, in which he said he’d never marry Brittany.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Here a cheat, there a cheat, everywhere a cheat cheat! On Vanderpump Rules there is no other way. Seriously what is in the Vanderpump Vodka at SUR that makes all the men (except for Ken) cheat? Lisa Vanderpump needs to do a seminar on how to keep your man muzzled and on a tight leash!

Brittany Cartwright hasn’t even forgiven Jax Taylor for his indiscretions (or the many times of them) before it came out that Tom Schwartz had a drunken make-out he does not recall.

But first the ladies are still camped out at Brittany’s to try and protect her from Jax. After a suuuuper drunken night of twerking – which apparently wards off evil boyfriends – Scheana Marie wakes up on the sofa in some enormous turquoise glasses and announces she’ll be boarding a private jet for Vegas with Lala Kent in 0-700 hours, and therefore all this drama has to hurry it up! At the words private jet, Stassi Schroeder wanders into the room – drinking a hair of the dog – just in time to hear Katie Maloney get all Hangry Katie on what a skank Lala is for breaking up a marriage

Brittany learns Jax cheated more than once

Jax Taylor is the least surprising person on Vanderpump Rules? Possibly in the whole species universe. His life cycle is drink, cheat, lie, repeat. Dude, even freaking amoebas evolve. You know what else doesn’t evolve: Lala Kent‘s makeup. Yep, she reappears this episode with the same crazy over-lined lips but also a promise not to ‘Jax’ Lisa Vanderpump over ever again. Maybe change does happen on Vanderpump Rules?

So Jax cheated on Brittany Cartwright with her friend Faith Stowers, possibly impregnating her, and after posturing like she might actually leave reality TV him, they’re having more sex than EVER! Brittany just wants to feel something with Jax; she wants to know he loves her more than all the other girls. That logic is, well, that’s the reason she’s in a relationship with Jax! But doesn’t Brittany’s relationship with Jesus remind her that she should have some moral standing, or standards? I don’t understand reality TV religion.

Brittany Cartwright Learns Jax Taylor Cheated

Well, surprise, surprise Vanderpump Rules fans: Jax Taylor did NOT cheat on Brittany Cartwright! Oh, I’m just kidding – of course he did! I mean Jax probably even did it more than once actually, because Brittany found some false eyelashes in her bathroom once and they didn’t belong to her, or Jax, or Tom Schwartz (who sometimes, when he cries, likes to feel the soft flutter of gently moistened pony lashes on his tender cheeks. It’s comforting. Like a little blanket for his Cabbage Patch Kids face).

Jax apparently cheated with – and potentially knocked up – Brittany’s friend Faith Stowers, who confessed all of this to James Kennedy. Of course – why not confess to Jax’s mortal enemy? James is levitating with glee at this trashy news. Jax vehemently denies it.

Did Jax Taylor cheat on Brittany?

Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. SIX LONG SEASONS I will have been recapping this show, and six long seasons I will have loved every minute of it. Well, OK, not every minute, but a lot of minutes. Last night did not disappoint on this rollercoaster to hell and back. Complete with costumes! But still can the writers over there get a new story besides cheating?!

At SUR, Tom Sandoval is still slinging drinks while dreaming of a less sloppy future. A Tomtastic future with sexy TVs and pot-tinis. Yes, you heard that right: pot-tinis, as in marijuana-laced mixed drinks. That sounds like a YouTube horror story about what teens are getting into to these days.

Lisa Vanderpump is moving forward with Tom-Tom, a restaurant centered around the Toms, and for the low introductory price of $100,000 dollars, paid in installments of $9.99 per month (for life) – taxes and fees apply – the real life Toms can become 10% partners in this glorious venture. One might think old (I used that word intentionally) Tom 1 would be grateful. Instead he is besieged with angst!


Well that’s it – another season of Vanderpump Rules done and done! But the third part of the reunion ended with quite a bang when Scheana Marie‘s estranged husband Mike Shay appeared to say everything and nothing at all.

Good lord – the girls on this show are ridiculous! Like Katie Maloney, nothing is ever Scheana’s fault as she just demands, cries, and throws tantrums then blames everyone else. Tom 2 – consider Shay your warning; Robert Valleta – consider Tom 2 your warning.

Before we witness Scheana Marie collapse into a cloud of pressed powder, we have much ground to cover. While Andy wasted time last week trying to make Stassi Schroeder‘s brother ‘happen,’ the reunion could have focused on all the drama between James Kennedy and Kristen Doute, or that time Tom 2 almost canceled his wedding while pooping in a wedding gown, as Tom 1 was crying in a Sia costume. Aaaaahhh… good times in New Orleans!