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Vanderpump Rules

katie maloney learns of tom schwartz's cheating

Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.

Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!

In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!

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OK! Magazine's annual ‘SO SEXY’ event held at Lure Patio - Arrivals

Is there another Vanderpump Rules wedding in our future? Tom Sandoval recently revealed that he wants to marry his girlfriend Ariana Madix! 

“I cannot imagine my life without Ariana,” Tom 1 gushed. “It’s just explosive happiness for me on a daily basis.” I imagine degrading hell on daily basis was how he defined his previous relationship to Kristen Doute

Tom 1 reveals that he and Ariana have discussed marriage and it’s a strong possibility for the couple who has been together about a year. Somewhere Kristen is impaling herself on a curling iron or a stiletto heel. You know she’ll crash that wedding! 

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Khloe Kardashian

Most of the reality TV viewer numbers bounced back from last week’s slump.

Both Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons and Vanderpump Rules saw a season high. Scott checking out of rehab early on Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons attracted 2.053 million viewers and Kristen and Tom’s return to SUR on Vanderpump Rules garnered 1.381 million viewers.

The season finale of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood attracted 2.554 million fans, giving L&HHH a season average of 2.44 million, and the season five premiere of Mob Wives garnered 1.161 million viewers.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills bounced back with 1.99 million tuning in to see Eileen’s debut. Unfortunately, Real Housewives of Atlanta didn’t bounce back, and the show is down almost one million viewers since the season seven premiere. This week’s episode of RHOA garnered 2.858 million viewers.

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katie doesn't understand why tom 2 doesn't defend her.

On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!

Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeders side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Jax Taylor got a new nose – and that’s not the only thing that has changed on Vanderpump Rules. Jax swears that this season, a new villain will emerge – and he is taking matters into his own hands to expose the truth! He promises this season there will be an even more surprising twist to expose a villain no one ever saw coming. It better not be my Peter

“A lot of things are going to come out that people are going to very shocked about. I’m really tired of being called a liar and a cheater,” Jax reveals. “I don’t mind being called the villain, because everything I do on the show is me, but there are other villains on the show who I start to call out. It’s going to get really dirty.”

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Cynthia Bailey

Every show on our reality TV viewer numbers list lost viewers this week. Love & Hip Hop Hollywood took the smallest hit (down 148,00 viewers) and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills took the biggest hit (down 643,000 viewers). 2.597 million watched Hazel and Teairra almost make amends on Love & Hip Hop Hollywood and 1.352 million sat through Kim and Brandi’s nonsense on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. #BrandiNeedsToGo

Jax getting a nose job on Vanderpump Rules attracted 1.024 million viewers and Scott checking into rehab on Kourtney & Khloe Take The Hamptons garnered 1.52 million viewers. Real Housewives of Atlanta lost 452,000 fans this week with only 3.143 million tuning in to see Porsha confront Cynthia. Add that loss to last week’s loss and that is 683,000 less viewers since the season seven premiere. Do you think the holiday affected viewership?

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Kristen Doute is unable to let go of her relationship to Tom Sandoval, no matter how many times he blocks her on twitter! Kristen says at the root of her frustration is that Tom 1 has changed and she doesn’t like the fakery that she sees. 

“It’s fair for me to say that he isn’t the same guy I knew before. The way he acts and his relationship with Ariana seem very contrived,” the Vanderpumop Rules star argues. “For someone who says I’m not worth a thought, she certainly spends a lot of time talking about me.” Uhhhh… seriously, Kristen?!

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jax taylor gets a nose job

Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!

Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net – no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police. 

Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a  corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer. 

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