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Vanderpump Rules

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Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific. 

Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice? 

Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death. 

Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror. 

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David Foster is honoured with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Hollywood Boulevard

Is it opposites week? 

After several weeks on the air, Real Housewives of Atlanta and Love & Hip Hop nearly matched their premiere audiences this week. However, both shows lost viewers since last week, with 3.1 million catching Mama Joyce and Todd's face-to-face on RHOA and 2.959 million shaking their (amused) heads at Erica and Peter's foolishness on L&HH.

Meanwhile, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Vanderpump Rules, and Shahs of Sunset not only gained viewers this week, but they also logged their largest audiences this season.

A celebration filled episode of RHOBH brought 1.90 million viewers to Bravo, then 1.414 million viewers stuck around for Jax's health scare on Vanderpump Rules. And Shahs of Sunset bounced back from an embarrassing dip under the million mark with 1.464 million viewers. Impressive – but I'm anxious to find out how many return after witnessing Reza's ignorance this week. 

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“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” season 4 and “Vanderpump Rules” season 2 Cross-over premiere

Whether you admit to liking it or not, Vanderpump Rules is a hit for Bravo. I mean who can resist the real world version of Mean Girls complete with Stassi Schroeder as the biggest bitch since Lila Fowler. Lord knows I love me some Sweet Valley High! Yes, still…

With the over-abundance of dysfunction, it seems the cameras cannot turn away. Jax Taylor shared on twitter that not only is the show still taping but that we can expect an expanded second season "14 episodes instead of 8 plus a reunion," he clarified.

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VPR-recap-stassi-katie

Here's an odd combination: men with breast cancer and burlesque parties for your boss. Or if you are a cast member on Vanderpump Rules it's all in a day's work!

Last night Lisa Vanderpump's business partner Nathalie decided to throw a surprise burlesque party for her husband Guillermo. Naturally they decided it was wholly appropriate for Stassi Schroeder and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, Katie Maloney to do a burlesque performance for their boss. Apparently those two loons took burlesque lessons a couple years ago, but they actually suck at burlesque and only took the classes so when they get drunk at the bar they can grind on each other to attract boys. 

Stassi suggests that she just shake her fake boobies and call it day. Luckily Nathalie has the foresight to hire real burlesque dancers and they will happily wear nipple tassels. Stassi looks down at her own boobies, realizes they're not nearly as perky and 3… 2… 1… begins stabbing Lari, Kari, and Scari (or whatever their names were) with a feathered headdress. 

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phaedra-parks

The reality TV viewer numbers are in – and ouch! Every show but Love & Hip Hop took a turn for the worse this week. One show even fell under one million!

The Real Housewives of Atlanta were competing with the American Music Awards, which garnered over 13 million viewers, this week.  3.295 million – a 402,000 drop – tuned in to see Phaedra confront Apollo about Kenya

Peter's baby mama/live-in girlfriend and side-chick/wife drama continues to be a big draw for Love & Hip Hop, with 3.184 million fans tuning in this week.

Not so lucky in the viewer department are Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (just over 1.6 million) and Vanderpump Rules (just under 1.3 million). Crazy! Circus schoolStassi and Jax's love story… what more do you people want?!?

Season three of Shahs of Sunset continues to be a disappointment to Bravo. Only 978,000 viewers bothered to watch GG and MJ go camping this week.

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ariana-vanderpump-rules-recap

Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on. 

Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.

Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME! 

Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love. 

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brandi-glanville

The reality TV viewer numbers are in – and they're all over the place. 

Good news: More than 3.6 million fans enjoyed Kenya's shenanigans on Real Housewives of Atlanta this week.  RHOA has gained over 600,000 viewers (so RHOM's entire fan base) in three weeks. And 1.402 million (up from 1.161) went to Lake Arrowhead with the SUR crowd on Vanderpump Rules.

Decent: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is holding steady with roughly 1.7 million viewers the past two weeks.

Bad news: Only 1.17 million bothered to watch MJ and GG's fight on Shahs of Sunset. Also, Peter's ongoing drama brought 3.052 million fans back to Love & Hip Hop this week, which is a 300,000 drop from last week. 

Reunions:  Part two of Real Housewives of Miami's bitch fest attracted just over one million,  while Teen Mom 3's check up with Dr. Drew garnered 1.249 million (10PM) and 1.070 million (11PM). See the season averages below.

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vpr-lake-arrowhead

Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatch Stassi Schroeder?

Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.

The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is. 

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