Aaaaahhhh Kristen Doute, one-part hoochie mama, one-part crazy, one-part atrociously bad employee, one-part drama queen, and one-part REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad decision maker! She's one helluva a potent Molotov cocktail!
Of course Kristen denied it. A lot. Even when all evidence pointed to the contrary. But somebody called Sherlock and Law & Order style Kristen got cornered and confessed. Yep, the kitty is out of the bag: Kristen banged Jax – and liked it!
Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!
Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.
Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there.
Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy.
"Mostly, they bum around Los Angeles sleeping with each other’s partners, drinking too much and squabbling endlessly, but at the end of the day, they’re all just lost kids with failed dreams who work in the service industry and happen to be trailed by a production crew."
This line is from a recent Time article, and may I say that it's pure genius and totally accurate. That's right, we're getting high-brow up in here! The piece is on the crew from Vanderpump Rules and seeks to explain viewers' fascination with mean girl Stassi Schroeder, man whore Jax Taylor, and the rest of Lisa Vanderpump's attractive SUR minions. It's certainly my guilty pleasure and last night's finale was everything I hoped for and more!
During an appearance on WWHL, a caller asked Lisa if she thinks she mothers Brandi like she does the Sur staff. Lisa confessed, "Guilty as charged. Absolutely. I do feel Brandi was struggling and I really wanted to help her because I loved her."
Andy asked Lisa if she knew it was bugging Brandi, "I did eventually. That's why I kind of backed off because I thought I was damned either way. But I did really care about her."
Lisa Vanderpump and Jax Taylor were Andy's guests tonight on Watch What Happens Live. Jax shared that this was his first time watching the explosive season finale of Vanderpump Rules and he finally feels some remorse for sleeping with his best friend's girl.
Lisa shared her take on tonight's episode, "I found it so disconcerting. I'm so upset with him still. " Andy asks if there's anything that he did or said that irritated her on tonight's episode, "Everything he said really pissed me off but the one thing is when he said 'you came twice sweetheart' to Kristen." Lisa proceeded to smash a breakaway bottle over Jax's head (Andy provided her with a box of them..). "No remorse. That's what I'm saying."
Jax shared that he DOES feel bad NOW. "We watched the episode together and after seeing it and watching myself on there, it was hard to watch. I really feel like a piece of shit."
The Sister Wives are totally winning. They're able to run their fingers through Kody's luscious locks every four days – AND a whopping 2.415 million tuned in this week. That's nearly a millionmore viewers than last week! Kris Jenner becomes wife number five in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
Don't you love a good twist? Like a super dishy one? Well last night on Vanderpump Rules we got one!
Let's just cut to the chase – Jax Taylor admitted to banging Kristen Doute, not once – but twice! Oooooohhhhweeeee boy. And one of those bangs happened whileTom 1 (as in Kristen's boyfriend – the she's been freaking out over his cheating all season) was In. The. Next. Room. Say it with me now: escándalo! ES-SCAND-DAL-O!
Of course, one Stassi Schroeder, whose middle name is vendetta and whose first name is legally insane, is furious. She decides it's time to destroy Kristen's life as revenge. Isn't having the whole world know you banged Jax enough?! Apparently not! First order of business: gifting Kristen with a dildo dipped in acid to destroy her insides. Is this woman working for the Taliban yet?! North Korean dictators? I think I found her calling!
But what of Jax, you ask? What terrible fate befalls him? Well, for his honesty he is accepted into the group; folded in like a big ol' piece of cheese wrapped between two buttery warm pieces of bread. Finally – FINALLY – Jax has realized honesty really is the best policy. He gets all the attention he craves and a gold star for truth telling. Are you rolling your eyes? I so am! Apparently Jax is a dirty dog and he can't help his wandering peen, but Kristen she's supposed to be one of Stassi's revolving best friends.