Vanderpump Rules

Tom and Jax

Vanderpump Rules is having some sort of quarter life crisis. While Stassi Schroeder is playing the adoring sycophant, Katie Maloney is attempting to reinvent herself as season 1 and 2 Stassi. It’s a piss-poor imitation though because Katie lacks the razor-sharp edge and sheer cunning wit required to pull off Stassi-ness, not to mention Katie lacks the conviction with which Stassi conducted herself as empress of the skirtsteaks. Also Katie doesn’t own a statement necklace which is like the scrunchie of SUR.

Katie is a mere “Fetch,” trying to force herself to happen as the leader of the SUR tribe, except she’s nothing but a sheep in wolf’s clothing. And she needs to give Stassi back her fur.

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If you’re easily grossed out, you might want to skip tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules! Or at least don’t have steak for dinner before watching it (you definitely won’t want steak for a while after watching it…).  Tonight Tom Schwartz dishes up some revenge to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval and it’s gag-inducing, but brings him a whole lot of joy. We’ll leave it at that and not spoil it for you.

Also on tonight’s episode, Katie Maloney asks Stassi, Scheana, and Kristen Doute to be her bridesmaids. Katie excludes Ariana Madix from her list of chosen ones because she’s upset that Ariana is still talking to Lala Kent.  Katie later questions her decision to include Scheana when she’s seen being friendly to Lala.

Kristen Doute

Kristen Doute swears she is a whole new girl, and because of that, this season of Vanderpump Rules is her favorite one yet. Considering how every other season has literally been in the toilet of the SUR bathroom for Kristen, I can’t imagine how things could get any worse?

According to Kristen, season five “feels like a throwback to season one with everyone being back together.”

Kristen insists she has learned from her mistakes. “It was a huge wake up call seeing this stuff on TV,” she describes. Unfortunately, many fans are “still stuck on ‘Crazy Kristen’ and ‘Why are you trying to stalk Tom Sandoval and trying to break up Ariana and Tom?’ It’s like, that was four years ago!” laments Kristen. “There’s been a change.”

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We’ve seen Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney grow up a lot over the years on Vanderpump Rules. They went from background cast to the main players. They overcame a shit ton of drama and now they are mature married folks – or at least they are in this instance. Tom and Katie opened up about their life as newlyweds and they have lent their time and faces to support an animal charity.

Clearly they’re taking a cue from Lisa Vanderpump by helping out the animals and I am sure that she is proud of them. And as of now it doesn’t seem like Tom and Katie have any marital drama, then again they just got married. Hopefully this remains the case.

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pump-rules-brittany

Last night Lisa Vanderpump hosted World Dog Day and declared it a mandatory requirement for all Vanderpump Rules stars to own a dog. James Kennedy is exempt, however, because obviously Lisa cares about the welfare of her furry friends!

OK, just kidding – they didn’t have to own a dog, but it might as well have been a decree. Some of them <ahem… Stassi Schroeder…> were so eager to suck-up to Lisa via dog-loving they adopted two poor doggies, and dressed them up in bonnets fit for English Tea.

Before we dealt with dogs, however, we had to deal with pussy cats. And also bitches. All in a days work at SUR, right!? The bitch is Jax Taylor who has been spreading news of Kristen Doute petting Brittany Cartwright‘s kitty-cat all over SUR.

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jax-taylor

Vanderpump Rules star Jax Taylor kicked off his apology tour tonight on Watch What Happens Live. He profusely apologizes to Brittany Cartwright for spreading things about her and Kristen Doute – whether true or not. He also confirms that Lala Kent was dating a married man.

Jax laughs during a clip of Kristen saying that the night she and Brittany kissed was a blur, but he is going to refrain from commenting because he keeps getting himself in trouble over it. “Listen, whether it did or did not happen, it’s in the past. I was more mad because I couldn’t get into the house! I was so mad, trying to call Brittany, I was coming home from SUR, I had a couple drinks and I was just angry because she wasn’t answering her phone. So when I got in, I could care less if she was sleeping with girls or not, I was just so mad because I couldn’t get in the house, so I kind of took it out on her. What I saw really didn’t help but..”

Lisa Vanderpump - WWHL

Lisa Vanderpump believes true love can happen on Vanderpump Rules, although not without some serious trials and tribulations. This season Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney will put her theory to the test.

The scandal plagued couple finally becomes a symbiotic unit when they tie the knot, but Lisa reveals their I Do nearly ended with an I Don’t!

“The journey towards the wedding was pretty much a roller coaster.” reveals Lisa. “It just seemed so complicated, the scenario – you’ve got all these people with different opinions.”

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Scheana Marie Shay

If you follow Scheana Marie Shay on social media you must have noticed her body transformation. If you are a fan who has read the comments on some of her posts, you also might have seen Instagram users body shaming Scheana for being skinny. Scheana has also posted a lot of pics with Hydroxycut, which as you would expect, drew in further criticism. Now Scheana is addressing her weight loss and what role the diet pills played in her slim down.

If the Vanderpump Rules season 5 premiere episode is any indication of what’s to come, the emphasis on “summer bodies” and body shaming is very relevant – unfortunately. Weirdly enough, Scheana, a Hydroxycut spokesperson, did not even use the pills to shed the pounds. Wait. What? How does that even make sense?

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