High school… these problems matter! These people are in high school like the original cast of 90210 were. Meaning the “kids” on Vanderpump Rules are 30 going on 13, and it’s ridiculous.
Last night, Katie Maloney, Bridezilla of West Hollywood (she may actually just be straight up Godzilla at this point because she does seem to think she’s God), demanded Scheana Marie never, ever have an opinion contrary to Katie’s, like, ever again, and if Scheana does like ever, ever, ever deign to think for herself, she will be dumped like room temperature white wine.
Katie is the one who needs to be bumped – by Tom 2 and everyone else. She and Stassi Schroeder deserve each other.
Jax Taylor was a man on a mission – a mission to never get married. Until he met Brittany Cartwright, that is! Now Jax is changing his mind. A little opportunity called a ‘spin-off’ wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would it?
“Before Brittany I was not about marriage. I didn’t believe in marriage,” claims the perpetually cheating Vanderpump Rules star. Now Jax is not only faithful to Brittany (which is apparently more than she can say about herself!), he’s considering settling down for-ev-er.
Didn’t Jax profess his desire to marry Stassi Schroeder more than once? Apparently not, because no amount of love could convince Jax that marriage was for him.
After Tom asked the guys to take part in the wedding, he handed them both big envelopes full of photos that revealed that the steak and shrimp they ate had previously been in-between his butt cheeks. As if that wasn’t gross enough Tom also revealed that he ran that day and did not shower. Eeeeww.
Vanderpump Rules is having some sort of quarter life crisis. While Stassi Schroeder is playing the adoring sycophant, Katie Maloney is attempting to reinvent herself as season 1 and 2 Stassi. It’s a piss-poor imitation though because Katie lacks the razor-sharp edge and sheer cunning wit required to pull off Stassi-ness, not to mention Katie lacks the conviction with which Stassi conducted herself as empress of the skirtsteaks. Also Katie doesn’t own a statement necklace which is like the scrunchie of SUR.
Katie is a mere “Fetch,” trying to force herself to happen as the leader of the SUR tribe, except she’s nothing but a sheep in wolf’s clothing. And she needs to give Stassi back her fur.
If you’re easily grossed out, you might want to skip tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules! Or at least don’t have steak for dinner before watching it (you definitely won’t want steak for a while after watching it…). Tonight Tom Schwartz dishes up some revenge to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval and it’s gag-inducing, but brings him a whole lot of joy. We’ll leave it at that and not spoil it for you.
Also on tonight’s episode, Katie Maloney asks Stassi, Scheana, and Kristen Doute to be her bridesmaids. Katie excludes Ariana Madix from her list of chosen ones because she’s upset that Ariana is still talking to Lala Kent. Katie later questions her decision to include Scheana when she’s seen being friendly to Lala.
Kristen Doute swears she is a whole new girl, and because of that, this season of Vanderpump Rulesis her favorite one yet. Considering how every other season has literally been in the toilet of the SUR bathroom for Kristen, I can’t imagine how things could get any worse?
According to Kristen, season five “feels like a throwback to season one with everyone being back together.”
Kristen insists she has learned from her mistakes. “It was a huge wake up call seeing this stuff on TV,” she describes. Unfortunately, many fans are “still stuck on ‘Crazy Kristen’ and ‘Why are you trying to stalk Tom Sandoval and trying to break up Ariana and Tom?’ It’s like, that was four years ago!” laments Kristen. “There’s been a change.”