Does denial grow on trees in sunny California? What about psychosis? I mean, it must, right if Vanderpump Rules is any indication of life in LA. Last night Katie Maloney had an awakening and Tom Sandoval had a’shakening when he realized that Kristen Doute really is stalking him and he is going to end up the subject of a cautionary tale seen on Lifetime. Hey – I’d watch, but only if they cast an actor with better hair.
Lisa Vanderpump is swanning around Villa Blanca, pruning roses, whistling while she works, conversing with birds when one of her 7 gnomes – Sleazy – arrives. Jax Taylor is just hoping for some free food – and some permission to start “banging” the new hostess Vail. Lisa immediately attempts to put the breaks on that notion by snipping the pruning sheers near Jax’s poker.
Before Lisa even has the opportunity to take off her transparent unicorn leather gardening gloves (special edition Gucci), gnome 2 – Sniffly – arrives to burst in to tears. Katie blames being allergic to decent human beings and scents other than stale booze for her watery eyes. She tells Lisa that Tom 2 would rather have Jax in his life than Katie, but she doesn’t want to be alone. What if she turns into Kristen?!
First up, Katie tackled the confounding matter of Kristen “Kritter” Doute and the little train of crazy that keeps gaining steam. Katie says contrary to what Kristen believes, she doesn’t hate her over cheating scandals – it’s just everything else about her personality that sucks!
“I’m not holding a grudge or punishing Kristen for sleeping with Jax. Kristen really did make our lives hell at times, it was just not good. Unfortunately you don’t get to see all of that,” Katie explains. “I know that Kristen was hurt at the end of her and Tom [Sandoval]‘s relationship. I don’t think she was taking into consideration her part of the deterioration. I think that Tom is absolutely happy with Ariana and Kristen should try to find that for herself.”
After all Lisa Vanderpump has done for ungrateful little wench Stassi Schroeder, she is furious that the former waitress turned wannabe grownup is insulting both her and SUR!
I don’t know why Lisa is surprised that Stassi is a self-righteous, egotistical, entitled brat – she’s been like that from her first minutes on Vanderpump Rules, but this season as Stassi has no storyline and is basically just roaming around the streets of LA interjecting into matters of SURver’s hearts for camera time, and Stassi is still complaining! Well, in fairness she doesn’t really have much else to do… except for that invisible boyfriend!
Lisa recently commented on Stassi having a hard time accepting that she’s no longer relevant at SUR. “I think Stassi’s attidue is slightly ridiculous. I mean she comes in here now like Grace Kelly,” she said in her vlog. “Just a year ago, these were her best friends. She was the leader of this pack and suddenly not one of them is good enough for her?”
Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachersAriana’s bar).
Jax Taylor started rumors about his friend Tom Schwartz cheating on his girlfriend, but now he’s annoyed that no one understands he was trying to help. He just wants Tom 2 to be happy, and to be free, and single and he knows that poor Tom 2 gets anxiety and doesn’t have the manly parts to breakup with Katie Maloney on his own!
But Jax has another reason for spilling rumors – he’s totally tired of being the only person on Vanderpump Rules called out for cheating. You guys, he’s not the only villain on this show and it’s high time we all know the truth. When the word “truth” is used in the same sentence as Jax’s name, does some thing explode out there in the universe that none of us can see?
“It’s so great that finally other people are cheating. It’s not just me anymore! I’m always this villain — but everything that I’ve done, they’ve all done,” Jax gloats.
The cast of Vanderpump Rules causes major drama and brings big ratings for Bravo, but they are apparently NOT paid accordingly!
According to insiders the cast made a measly $5,000 for the entire first season, but when it turned out to be an unexpected ratings hit for the network, Bravo upped their salaries – but not nearly on a level with say, Real Housewives.