Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!
This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has been the equivalent of friendships in a blender, as the ladies have swapped buddies, traded aliases, and gotten us all mixed up with the flavors! First, Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossibecame BFFLs, bonding over blowjob helpers and bad dye jobs. And now, Alexis Bellino and Vicki Gunvulson have apparently discovered they have much more in common than their television jobs—the Bravo one, obviously, not the newscastering one.
While it’s no stretch to see Tamretchen joined at the hip and cackling, Vicki and Alexis (Vilexis?) are quite the odd couple. But apparently, Paula Abdul was right and opposites attract.
Taking to her Bravo Blog, Alexis explains how she and Vicki went from enemies, to frienemies, to friends. “The friendship between Vicki and I wasn’t immediate. It has taken three years for Vicki and I to GROW into our friendship. Yes, Vicki said some mean things about me in the past, and yes I wasn’t always the kindest to her. However, we have both been very open about the fact that we wanted to try to make amends over three years, NOT OVERNIGHT!”
And, of course, their former best friends defecting to enemy lines had absolutely nothing to do with Vilexis’ bond. “Vicki and I were trying to make amends last year, before Tamra ever thought about scheming a friendship with Gretchen, so don’t let Tamra or Gretchen fool you that Vicki and I are only friends because those two became friends.”
“The friendship between Vicki and I is not out of convenience, nor is it contrived. Vicki and I have both said we have nothing to dislike the other person for, and we really enjoy being around each other,” Alexis adds. “Not only that, but Vicki apologized to me for everything in the past and said that if Tamra hadn’t been in her ear she would have gotten to know me and befriended me sooner.”
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!
Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.
Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth. Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!
Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…
So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?
Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?
Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.
Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!
Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.
Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!
Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.
Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor…. Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.
Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.
Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.
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The Real Housewives of Orange Countywere on Dr. Oz recently, to talk about the one topic they are definitely experts on: plastic surgery! On last week’s episode, Tamra Barney removed her implants once and for all, and as we all know, Alexis Bellino is the first woman in the world to ever get a nose job. She must be commended for bravery!
Vicki Gunvalson, who just had a ton of work done in between the past two seasons, admitted to having “…a myriad of fillers, Botox, liposuction, and laser treatments” to In Touch Magazine. And that’s just what she’s fessing up to! On Dr. Oz, Tamra said “I’m sure we’re not owning everything we’ve had.” Along with 98% of women in Orange County, she had a nose job in her early twenties. Of her implant removal, she said, “I wanted the foreign object out of my body.” Funny, she said the same thing at her divorce proceedings from Simon!
Tamra also revealed that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that was a huge factor in her decision to get rid of the implants. Good for you, Tammy Sue! Tamra’s story arc has been so great: ridding herself of Simon, and then getting rid of the implants the men in her life love so much; standing up for herself and putting her own needs before men.
Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.
Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.
Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).
Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?
One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.
Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.
Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.
Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.
Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!
Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?
Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.
Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.
And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.
At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.
Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.
Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.
He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.
Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.
Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!
Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.
And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.
As par for the course, the children of the Real Housewives of any location are always dragged into the mess that is the show – and sometimes being on TV isn’t so fantastic. Glamour Magazine recently interviewed the adult daughters of some of our favorite (and least favorite) Bravo moms. The girls were candid about their experiences on the show and how it has affected their lives.
Interestingly, some of the girls would love to do reality TV in their own right, while others have absolutely no desire. “I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t get caught up in being on TV for a little bit,” Lauren admits. “I said to my boyfriend, Vito, a while ago, ‘I found a ring that I want. Go buy it, and we’ll get married on TV.’ And then I said to myself, That’s not what I want right now. It doesn’t make sense to get married. I need to become a woman on my own. And I don’t think I could do that right now with a ring on my finger.”
Pandora, who did get married on TV, and whose wedding was featured in last season’s finale of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, confesses she had to seriously consider letting such a personal moment be played out in public. “I’m a more private person than my mother is. So when Jason proposed, we had to think about how we were going to do this wedding,” Pandora shares.
“My mother’s [Lisa Vanderpump] life is on television, but mine really isn’t. I didn’t mind that the planning was on TV, because, to be honest, it’s quite nice to have a record of all that. Who else gets to relive picking out their invitations or their bachelorette party?”
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This season viewers of the Real Housewives of Orange County have watched an emotional Tamra Barney juggle several changes in her life; from finalizing her divorce to Simon Barney to forming a friendship with Gretchen Rossi. I personally would have wondered if Tamra underwent a lobotomy if it weren’t for her omnipresent crass humor. It appears Tamra’s emotionally charged scenes, including her decision to get a breast reduction, stemmed from a cervical cancer scare!
The reality star recently did a sit-down on the The Dr. Oz Show (which will be airing this Thursday) where she shared about her health scare. “I was going through this divorce. I go to the doctor and I have lumps in my breasts and I had cervical cancer that had to be removed.”
Tamra reveals that the diagnosis initially caused “panic” but she decided to confront the situation immediately. “I really went through this like, ‘What is going on with my body? What is going on?’ I’m talking to my doctor about … doing a hysterectomy,” she confessed, “and I have lumps and I’m thinking, ‘Oh my god. I needed to take over my body.’ ” Tamra admits that is what led her decision to have her implants taken out. Wow! Best of luck to Tamra with her health.
Moving on, tonight Sarah Winchester will make an appearance on RHOC and she’s arriving guns blazing! The self-proclaimed Winchester Rifle heiress is billed as a friend of Gretchen and well, frankly girlfriend just screams g-r-i-f-t-e-r. I swear, Bravo seeks these people out intentionally.
Sarah takes issues with people thinking she is just a spoiled, little, hoochie looking for her fifteen-minutes and she wants you to know she works hard for her money. If you recall, Sarah had a rumored relationship with Shane Keough, but she refutes those rumors telling Cinderella’s Glass Closet that she was actually dating a man named Kurt who will be appearing with her this season.
Apparently Sarah isn’t a gold-digger and it was Kurt who insisted she leave her career to travel the globe with him. Wait – don’t heiresses have this thing called an inheritance? Guess not! Here’s Sarah’s illustrious career history: “I do want to state that just because my family history is rich- I am not living off of just their money. I started at McDonalds, and then went on to a law firm, and next a mortgage company. I want to send a message that it is important to work for what you have, and I have done exactly that. I love what I do and am supporting myself financially. I am not solely living off of my family’s money, and I do not live off rich men either.”
Sarah also clears up how she is related to the Winchester Rifle family – and it’s through marriage, not blood. “It is true that my great, great, great grandfather Oliver Winchester,” she explains. “However, I am not related by blood (only by marriage) to Sarah Winchester.”
Sarah insists she was actually initially hired to be a straight-up Housewife, but problems in her relationship derailed things and she opted to sign-on as a friend of the Housewife. Oh, and she only ever agreed to do the show to bring awareness to the charities she supports.
Moving on, the heiress talks tonight’s episode which will feature a show-down with Vicki Gunvalson. Taking to her Bravo blog, Sarah believes she and Vicki just got off on the wrong foot due to all the issues in their respective personal lives that they were both going through at the time.
“I sincerely wanted to find an opportunity to sit down with her to introduce myself and give Vicki my condolences on her condition, but from what I heard Vick’s walls were up, and the likeliness of Vicki meeting anyone halfway on an emotional level right now (including Gretchen and Slade [Smiley]) were slim to none,” she writes.
“Truth be told that made me very apprehensive to approach Vicki any time, but I knew it needed to be done sooner or later. I wanted her to get to know me for the person that I am and covey that we are all here for her if she needs us. Let’s just put everything else aside,” she explains.
“I was going to do my best to try to befriend Vicki at some point for the sake of all the greater issues and hope for the best, but I always say that I cant control what others say and do I can only control the way I react. . .,” Sarah concludes.
Finally, as we all know Vicki and Tamra have a wine club called WinesbyWives; which features wines of the month hand selected by them. When asked if she would be willing to feature fellow Housewife Teresa Giudice‘s Fabellini Wine, Vicki slammed the beverage tellingIn Touch Weekly she “doubted it was up to their standards.” Ouch! And really – Vicki and Tamra’s standards? Standards which include getting “naked wasted” and serving dinner out a plastic grocery bag? Seriously…
With all that drama just vomited on you poor readers, tonight marks an all-new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Heather Dubrow decides to host a bowling party to bring the ladies together and squash some of the burgeoning drama, except it has the opposite of desired effects when Vicki and Sarah get into a screaming match at the event!
Real Housewives of Orange County airs tonight at 9/10EST on Bravo!
THOUGHTS ON TAMRA’S NEWS? ARE YOU EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW SARAH BETTER?
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