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Last night on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills everybody got pampered and relaxed and got along swimmingly. Oh, wait – wrong show! The ladies continued their trip back in time to Beverly Hills High with Kyle playing the real-life all grown up Brenda Walsh, and Kim as her sidekick, and poor Brandi the victim of all their immaturity. I give Brandi credit – she stood her ground while retaining her dignity and did not bend to the almighty queens of bitchery.

Things start off with a little cooking lesson. Lisa has decided she can bear no more of Adrienne’s inadequacies in the kitchen and simply must teach her to roast a chicken. After everyone puts on their surgical gloves, they begin washing the chicken with dish soap – for anti-bacterial purposes. Then they stuff things up his bum after removing his guts. I guess Lisa was practicing for her treatment of Brandi later on! Adrienne is absolutely hopeless in the kitchen – hence the reason she has a chef – can’t find the salt and pepper or any of her three fridges, and just isn’t having fun. Was anyone else surprised they were stuffing a chicken’s butt with all their jewelry on?

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On last night’s FINAL episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey I breathed a serious sigh of relief, opened up the wine for a guzzlet or two, and prepared to cringe. I have run out of steam with these people. I’m going to try and cover this the best I can, but there was a lot of yelling about things like Kool-aid that left me confused. So, hang in there!

The show opens with Andy’s attempts at fun by bringing up Joe G-to-the-Orga’s horniness and The Gorgasm? A montage of all the couples’ lovey-dovey moments is replayed, except for Caroline and Albert. Cause I guess they don’t have them – or Caroline just won’t discuss them. Uh-huh. Apparently Joe Gorga has a history of dressing up like a lady – it goes way back to when he was little. This is explains a lot. Did The Gorgas want two Teresas?! Ooooohhh… the stress that image just caused!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies just couldn’t seem to get along and Brandi was again an outsider with only Adrienne and Taylor willing to be her friend – but only when no one else was looking! It kinda reminded me of Heathers! Watch your drink, Kyle!

Game night continues to rage on at Dana’s. Brandi tries to call a “Time-Out” but the Richards are in full attack mode, Winston Churchill be damned; they subscribe to Napoleonic tactics! Kyle is still upset Brandi let her son pee on Adrienne’s grass – ok, it’s tacky, but c’mon! Brandi is furious that Kyle is talking about her kids, but Kyle is actually talking about Brandi’s bad mothering!

Camille admits Kyle can be a B-I-T-C-H. Sick of the Richards’ superior attitude, a sniffling Brandi snaps that everyone else is trailer park and they’re Queens of England. Um…no, Kim redirects, only Brandi is trailer park! And Kyle’s not wearing a tiara! Duh! Well, I kinda think Kyle wears one at home when no one is looking, don’t you?

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Last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion from hell gave me stress-induced anxiety, like for real! I could not guzzle the wine fast enough! The rage was palpable and the ladies were down right dirty. This made RHONY’s reunion seem almost tolerable. Did I just type that?!

First of all, does anyone remember that notorious website Socialite Rank? Well, I wish we had a website devoted to Housewives Ranking, called of course, Housewives Rank, because if we did The Caroline and Teresa would be neck and neck for bottom of the heap after last night’s dreadful performance! Melissa had her moments of dirty as well, and for the most part Kathy kept her hands clean and imagined beautiful beaches and escape. Me too, Kath!

*Simple Disclaimer – I am a woman without a housewife – I play no favorites. I participate in equal opportunity snarking. All the ladies are ridiculous to a degree (yes, some more than others) and I like to spread the snark around!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies went back in time to West Beverly High to relive their high school days of catty drama, cliques, and mean girls. Oh, I love a good time warp! The only thing missing was some killer acid wash jeans and a pouf bang!

Lisa and Ken are preparing for a dinner party to celebrate the return of Pandora and Jason from NYC. Lisa is cooking dinner (yes, it appeared that she was actually preparing food sans chef) whilst Ken assisted with the wine tasting. Lisa’s son Max got on the phone with his girlfriend and dropped an “I love you” leaving Lisa in a tailspin. While she is all but marching Pandora down the aisle, she isn’t sure about some other girl stepping on her toes where Max is concerned!

From domestic divas to people who don’t know what their microwave looks like, Taylor is making cookies from a box and needs Dana’s help. Both ladies don aprons and then poke at a bowl of unconvincing looking batter while lamenting about Adrienne’s BBQ where the notorious c-o-c-k incident occurred! Taylor mentions the upcoming “Game Night” she was supposed to host at her house but asks if Dana can take over since she has too many … issues going on. Event planner Dana is fine with hosting the big event, but will be outsourcing the planning cause she’s too busy. Keep in mind, Dana’s career is Event Planning and she supposedly has put on events like the Grammy’s.

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Well, finally – finally – we reached the season finale to the arduous, tortuous, never-ending season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. And it was kinda disappointing, no? Maybe cause we already knew what was happening real time.

Things start off with Melissa meeting with Teresa’s her stylist, because she is an over-the-hill wannabe pop star and over-the-hill wannabe pop stars need to look good! Really booby and trampy apparently = good. Melissa’s stylist, or is it Teresa’s stylist, suggests she wrap a scarf around her boobs and wear it as a shirt. Right. Let me get this straight: TWO WOMEN are paying this woman money to make them look like hookers and fighting over who she styles? There is some issue about how Teresa didn’t want her to also style Melissa. Maybe she wanted Melissa to actually look good?

While Terlissa’s stylist is there, Melissa gets a call from Teresa about the family photoshoot they are planning. Melissa claims this is the first family photo shoot she and Joe have been invited to and she is excited to put the past behind her and move forward. Why do I not believe her?

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we met newbie Dana Wilkey who is very … well, ok she is tacky. Adrienne threw a Bar-B-Que for the ladies which also ended up being tacky thanks to Brandi – who is still having issues with Kyle. Lisa provided CNN with coverage of The Royal Wedding and Kim added to the speculation that she may have some substance abuse issues.

Kyle and Taylor are headed to Dana’s house for lunch. Dana and Taylor met while a nine-months pregnant Dana was driving a Lamborghini. Dana answers the door wearing a tiara. And a hooker pagent dress. Seriously, she looked like a busted up Miss America, with fake boobs up to her eyebrows. As Dolly Parton said: “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap!” Taylor describes Dana as liking things over the top. She seems nice, but desperate. And she gives me a grifter vibe. Maybe it’s her friendship with Taylorexic?

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Patti STanger
Is Patti Stanger having a nervous breakdown? Or maybe she is just totally nuts! Or maybe all the plastic surgery has been effecting her brain…

After making several homophobic comments and accusing gay men of being incapable of monogamy on Watch What Happens Live that resulted in a public apology and a chastising statement from Bravo, Patti did it again on The Joy Behar Show! Seriously!

This time the Millionaire Matchmaker (whose client base is probably invisible at this point!) insists, “Gays don’t have a lot of testosterone.”

“I’m talking about that they use both sides of their brain. Straight men only use one side,” Patti, the bio-geneticist continued, explaining how the gay brain works to Joy Behar. “Gay men are very bright, very handsome … they put themselves better together,” Patti asserts. “They dress good, they decorate, they clean, they cook.” Is that maybe a compliment? I’m not sure – I need someone to analyze how the Stanger brain works! Or, actually… maybe not!

Patti offered no excuse or apology for her behavior, nor has Bravo released a statement about this latest incident, but a friend of Patti’s told The Huffington Post, “She finally understands what she has done and instead of continuing to dig herself deeper [into] trouble, she has decided to flee to her family.”

“She’s going to hide out for a while but has learned her lesson,” according to the friend. “From now on she is going to try and be much more careful about what she says.” Well, it may be too late now, Patti!

Are Patti’s comments totally out of line or was she just trying to be funny? Should Patti’s show be canceled after all her insensitive comments?

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